bless you, charlotte....

....how do i love free wi-fi? let me count the ways....interestingly enough, i can't get onto myspace from here, because of "mature/adult content". shows what they know, as i have never claimed to be an adult, let alone mature.

the drive up from columbia was relatively uneventful, though the panicked rifling through my backpack in search of my wallet for parking money was adequately exciting...especially since in this day and age, you can't get past the airport entrance without your i.d.

you know how there's always that one chronic cougher on the airplane? let me apologize in advance, in case any of you are planning on being on my northwest flight to detroit in about an hour, as it's totally going to be me this time. i can't begin to tell you how great my radio shifts must have sounded this weekend. i swear i don't have a 3 pack a day habit- just some pesky phlegm or something trying to make an escape. gum's not helping, nor did cough drops. i wonder if they have an honey at the kfc express across the hall from me. do you think ordering about twelve packs of honey might raise some eyebrows? then again, when have i ever been really concerned about that?

it's 70 degrees in columbia today. needless to say, the weather in maine (40s) is sure to be a shock to my system. on the other hand, i stand a far better chance of being able to show off my snow-angel making skills up north, since the closest we're getting to snow down here involves an ally sheedy/breakfast club imitation.

feeling rambly and tired....might be back from detroit airport (3 hour layover), but only if they're enlightened like charlotte and have free wifi. otherwise, perhaps i should see how many trips through their psychadelic walkway i can manage in 3 hours.......

dude, where's my igloo?

there's something a little surreal about sticking snowflake stamps on christmas cards when it's sunny and 75 degrees outside.

no, i'm not having a flashback to earlier this year, when i probably should have started scribbling out my annual stack of cards. (come to think of it, perhaps if i start scribbling in august, i might actually get the last card into the mail before christmas each year, instead of closer to valentines day.)

i wrote my first card today, while the sun shone and butterflies frolicked in the seventy-something-degree weather here in columbia.

i'd love to meet the politicians who are convinced that global warming is nothing more than a myth. because of this "myth", i've had to practice making "mud angels" instead of "snow angels" for the past week.....and let me just tell you that believe it or not, shout does not necessarily get all stubborn stains out. in fact, unless we get some snow around here PDQ, i'm going to have to buy new brown shoes to match whatwill be the most prevalent color in my wardrobe.

furthermore, people are starting to look at me funny (well, funnier than usual) when i tell them i'm trying to perfect my igloo-building skills. i feel that practice makes perfect, and judging from some of the rather lumpy, unstable structures that my sibling and i constructed in our younger years, i think lots of practice is in order before we'll have any viable, eskimo-friendly real estate on our hands. unfortunately, when one practices making igloos in seventy-degree weather, the structural integrity of said igloos becomes very dodgy very quickly.......hence the extra opportunities for practicing one's "mud angel" techniques.

unfortunately, i have also learned that the best way to get attention around here is to practice making mud angels on public lawns. some of the spectators have been quite helpful, particularly the guy the other day who suggested that my clothes wouldn't get nearly so dirty if i were to practice making mud angels without them.

inspired by his suggestion, i quickly grabbed another jacket out of my car.

is it over yet?

days until christmas: 9 1/2
holiday letters copied: 50
holiday cards addressed and sent: 0
presents purchased: 0

maybe i need to start tackling this stuff in july, when the stores start decorating their trees. i mean, seriously- once again this year, i'm going to find myself sending new year's cards instead of christmas cards.

don't close the coffin just yet.....

....i'm not dead, i swear!

i will be so glad when the holiday rush is finally over. (funny- i think i said the very same around this time last year, too.)

i've got makeup orders flying in and out of my apartment. i've got a stack of cards to address. i've got an equally large stack of photocopies of my epic holiday letter. i've got addresses on little scraps of paper. i've got scraps of paper with the names of people whose current addresses i lack. i've got stress at work. i've got a spot on my thumb where some medicine my doctor put on a wart to make it go away somehow covered more than the intended target and now i'm thinking i'll lose not only the wart (a good thing), but possibly the whole damned thumb (not so good). i've got an apartment to shovel out, as i've had enough of the piles of stuff. i've got a cd wishlist but no room to put any of the cds, should i actually get them. i've got some rather thin spots in my jeans. i've got to figure out what to buy for other people for christmas. i've got to figure out whether or not i feel like giving the boss who's stressing me out a holiday gift. i've got tangles. (yeah- like that's a new development.) i've got to get more sleep. i've got to get onto the treadmill. i've got a headache from staring at my computer too long.

come to think of it, with all i've got, what is there left to ask for for christmas?

besides val kilmer, of course.

the long way home

24 november 2006, 2:55 pm, mst, mile 175: we’ve stopped along route 66/I-40 in tucumcari, new mexico. we learned on the way out which end of town had all of the eating establishments, and now we find ourselves at the same blake’s lotaburger where we ate lunch five days ago.

the guy in line in front of us is creatively costumed in coveralls, white athletic socks with stylish grey accents, and flip flops. as we approach the counter, he’s bargaining with the waitress, asking her which combinations of double-meat, cheese, and beverage will come closest to the amount of change sitting in a gleaming pile in his palm. it was sort of like watching an audition for the price is right.

which reminds me- i’m sure you’ve heard by now that bob barker has decided to hang up his microphone next year. this was perhaps the oddest thing i read about in a magazine geared toward a much older audience all year.

no, wait- let me amend that. it was the second oddest thing, because seeing robin williams on the cover of a retirement magazine nearly made me hyperventilate. surely mork’s not old enough to retire yet. i mean, he’s what- 45? 46?

but i digress.

7:45 pm, cst, mile ish: i am sitting in the middle of my bed at the super 8 motel in clinton, oklahoma. i have no clue what our mileage is, but val kilmer was wandering around shirtless in a field (i was watching willow on my laptop in the car) when we pulled up to the motel.

25 november 2006, 3pmish, cst: no trip to kansas city is complete without a trip to taco john’s, and i’m thrilled to report that we’re taking a slight detour to bonner springs, kansas, so i can stuff myself full of tacos and potato oles.

6:15 pm: i’m sitting next to a guy who’s busy tapping away on his apple laptop. i’m not completely sure exactly what he’s working on, but it appears to be a map of europe with song lyrics that are either czech in origin or else bob dylan, as transcribed by a hearing impaired monkey.

there’s a guy a couple of rows ahead of us with his ipod cranked so loudly that i’m beginning to wonder if he has any eardrums left. the guy next to him has already requested a seat change, and the folks in the row behind him are taking advantage of the noise to loudly discuss some of the various things they’d like to do to each other as soon as we get near the “family” bathroom at the airport. (funny- that one never showed up on the “purity” tests that made the rounds when i was in college....not even in the infamous “dr. seuss” section of the 1500-pointer.) all that’s missing is a crying baby, although the guy who seems to be hacking up a lung right behind my right ear is probably close enough.

i’m kinda glad i ate all of my tacos in the car. call me unadventurous, but tacos seasoned with other people’s phlegm just don’t whet my appetite.

i fear for mrs. peacock's tiny bladder

surely, i am not the only one who has noticed a conspicuous omission from the game of clue. how is it that mr. boddy, the owner of the mansion, could afford a house with a ballroom and a billiard room, but not a single bathroom?

tackling a dreaded assignment

remember back when you were in elementary school and right before the four-day weekend your teacher always gave you the dreaded “what i am thankful for” assignment?

i used to sit there and struggle with what to write. i mean, sure, there were the usual things: family, friends, house, pets, food- but even at a young age, i wanted to be different. i mean, everyone listed at least three of the big five, even if in second grade the list sometimes wound up looking more like “famlee, fiends, hose, pets*, fud”.

well, everyone except for the kid in the corner who was more thankful for his collection of he-man action figures and baseball cards. while such answers were considered selfish, cold, and unfeeling at the time, perhaps maybe that kid understood that the other answers were all too obvious. i mean, aren’t you glad to have each of the big five on pretty much a daily basis, anyway?

with that in mind, here’s the list i wish i’d had the guts to write when i was little:

1. i am thankful that my parents are both addicted to books....and that we have enough bookshelves and other random horizontal surfaces to hold them all.

2. i am thankful that sometimes other people laugh at my jokes....even if it’s only daddy, and he’s just laughing because he was thinking the same thing.

3. i am thankful that my parents believe that spending time with us is more important than spending money on us.

4. i am thankful that my parents like to take my sister and i on road trips, even if it’s just the 30 minute drive to baltimore. (we lived in a suburb at the time.)

5. i am thankful that there’s a really good sledding hill within walking distance of our house, and that daddy lets us sled until we have to practically crawl up the hill for “one last time- really”.

as for my current list?

1. i am thankful that my parents passed their book addiction onto me....even if i don’t really have enough space for all the books i buy.

1a. i am thankful i have a boyfriend who loves me enough to not only let me pile my books everywhere, but also takes hints and buys me new ones when i’m out of things to read.

2. i am thankful for my sparkling wit and personality. i can usually find a way to make someone at least crack a smile, and people find me interesting enough to frequent my blogs and read my ramblings. (though according to statcounter, most of them wound up here because they thought i’d have pictures of female celebrity feet.)

3. i am thankful that my jobs are both fun and flexible....and though i may not be rich, the bills are paid and i’m able to travel as much as i do.

4. i am thankful that my parents passed the travel bug along to me. the world’s a mighty big place, and i’d like to see as much of it as possible.

5. i am thankful that i still haven’t been forced to grow up. next time it snows, you can bet i’ll be out looking for a good hill........

*let’s face it- it’s hard to screw up “pets”, though some seven year olds might have issues spelling names right. i mean, even at a much older age, i had issues deciding whether my hamster, fuzzybutt, needed a hyphen in the middle of his name or not.

on hiking and hooligans......

i’m pleased to report that my noggin was weird al- free today. instead, it was occupied mostly with “i’m on my way” by inxs, especially when running back to the car after visiting the “ceremonial cave” at bandelier national monument, just northwest of santa fe, new mexico. (no, i haven’t suddenly discovered the joy of sprinting- i lost track of time while climbing ladders to get to the cave and wound up needing to cover a mile in about 5 minutes. unfortunately, the only way i’ll ever do a five minute mile will be on the back of some sort of fast-moving animal.)

while i had to scrap my initial plan, which was to tackle a five-mile hike to a pair of waterfalls in the canyon, i still managed to wander a couple of miles.....and still wound up a little winded while climbing ladders to get to the cave. (honey, start warming up that treadmill for me, okay?)

we just passed a billboard advertising acne cures and tattoo erasures. if you opt for both, do you get some sort of discount? not that i’m seriously asking, mind you. well, not for myself anyway. however, if britney spears was foolish to tattoo anything even vaguely related to her soon to be ex on her person, i’d be more than happy to scribble down the number for her.

which reminds me- during the flight to kansas city last week, i read an article in people magazine about how kevin federline was now boasting about his newfound single status to practically every breathing female he could find. i suppose i should be surprised that no one seems to be banging down his door. did paris hilton not get the memo, or has she developed standards? what sort of a blow is it to a guy’s self esteem to find out that not even paris hilton is willing to make out with you? then again, maybe she caught a preview of that sex tape he seems to think folks might actually be interested in (well, actually, i should probably take that back, since i know people who would, though it most certainly would not be because of kevin’s starring role.) and wasn’t exactly impressed.

let me do you a favor, kevin- don’t bother knocking on my door. even if i were actually home for once, the thought of your lazy, golddigging butt showing up in columbia doesn’t exactly give me the urge to slip into something more comfortable....unless you consider a chastity belt and a nun’s habit comfortable, that is.

weird al, on the other hand, i’d consider.

if this thing blows......

while i must admit that i am mildly disappointed that we’re unable to make it over to the eastern end of el malpais national monument on the way back to albuquerque this evening, at least we were able to fully explore el morro national monument.

(before i whipped out the atlas to look for national park-related day trips from albuquerque, i hadn’t heard of it either.)

perhaps i’ll actually be able to upload some of my pictures this evening...especially after the close call that nearly resulted in my inability to take pictures at all.

before leaving south carolina a few days ago, i made sure to pack my digital camera, as well as a handful of charged (or so i thought) rechargable batteries. while i’m still a film kind of girl, i figured i’d have enough of a hassle at the airport with my computer, and just didn’t feel like dealing with highly paid tsa employees who’d undoubtedly frisk my black and white film and considering the “liquid issues” they were having over the summer, i could just see myself trying to explain that i didn’t have any intention whatsoever of blowing anything up with my contact lenses and solution.

since my batteries were running low after shooting approximately 10, 251 pictures during the road trip to albuquerque*, a battery change was in order. unfortunately, as i quickly found out, the batteries i foolishly thought were fully charged...well....weren’t.

fan-freaking-tastic.

you know how battery manufacturers always warn against mixing rechargeable and alkaline batteries? how they leave you under the impression that if you commit such a foul and horrible sin, your camera, discman, or other battery-powered instant gratification device will surely explode, not only killing you but sending you on the fast track to hell, to boot?

guess what my dad’s solution was?

i am pleased to report that his theory that the fresh alkaline battery would rejuvenate the rechargeable i had in my camera has held true so far, allowing me to take several photos of the oasis at el morro, as well as many of the petroglyphs and inscriptions on the delicate sandstone of the rock formation and the ancient ruins i nearly wore myself out hiking to at the top of the rocks**. so far, the camera has not blown up, though i don’t think i’ll breathe easy just yet. (actually, after the 2-mile hike to the ruins on top of el morro, i’m still breathing a little hard- a sure sign that maybe i need to get out just a little more.)

*i know. go figure. they just don’t make ‘em like they used to, do they?
**for some reason, at this point in the hike, “stuck in a closet with vanna white” popped into my head. i have no idea how or why it happened, but i suppose it’s better than being at the top of a hill with van halen’s “jump” in your head. i mean, one ill-fated leap into the air, and you could go from enjoying the scenery to experiencing it in a rather extreme way.

from the road......

18 november 2006, 11:25 am, mile 60ish: we have just left a gas station where daddy browsed the snack aisle, kathie visited the little girls room, and i bought (i kid you not) postcards of wheat. you know a state’s hurting for things to photograph when they resort to producing postcards featuring a closeup of a wheat stalk.

4:40pm, no clue what mile we’re on: stopped in oklahoma city for my first southwest region national park stamp- the oklahoma city memorial. off all the things stuck in the fence along the edge of the memorial, the cookie monster and the army boots affected me the most.

7:55 pm, somewhere just inside texas, mile 575ish: maggie seems to think she knows what’s best for me. i’m beginning to regret the 24 oz propel, 15 oz grapefruit juice, and two glasses of water that i have consumed in the last 8 ½ hours. unfortunately, texas seems to be living up to that whole “everything is bigger” theory, which apparently includes the distance between rest stops, gas stations, and other points of interest where one is allowed, nay- encouraged- to relieve oneself. as a result, despite maggie’s protests, we have stopped at a gas station that looked promising from a distance, but dramatically less so upon closer inspection. however, i sincerely doubted my ability to travel another 15 miles to the next approved facility, and therefore can honestly say that there is nothing quite like the thrill of taking a whiz at a gas station full of abandoned vehicles.....including the blue ford truck that i was somewhat convinced would start up at any time and knock me into my own puddle.

not quite the way i plan on going out, i assure you.

19 november 2006, 1 pm, mile 630ish (not counting side trips): after a disappointing side trip to fritch, texas, where we’d hoped to get the alibates flint quarries and lake meredith recreational area stamps and struck out miserably (i can honestly say this is the first time i missed stamps because the facilities are open by reservation only), i was somewhat consoled when we passed cadillac ranch while heading west on I-40. naturally, i managed to talk daddy into turning around, and i’m pleased to report that i now have multiple photos of both myself and the gnomes with the ten cadillacs upended in the middle of a field.

i’m not sure who exactly got the bright idea to start spray painting the cadillacs, but there were several cans of paint available for the artistically inclined. my original plan was to do a high-quality rendition of bodhi, but all i could up with was a can of green paint, so i settled for painting his name on the hood of the westernmost caddy. naturally, i’m pinning the crime on him- after all, he’s the one holding the can in the picture i took.

just (not) a friend

maggie and i are not going to be friends. i know this already.

you know how sometimes, when you meet someone new, you just know right off the bat that the two of you aren’t going to get along? well, that’s maggie in a nutshell.

when daddy announced that she would be joining us on our roadtrip to albuquerque, i was a little concerned. was this a new step-grandchild? a new pet? (highly unlikely, since daddy isn’t exactly what one would call a “pet person”, despite the short term, inadvertent hamster-breeding phase....)

no such luck. i mean, i’m glad i don’t have to share the backseat (the best way to travel through kansas is in a somnolent state....trust me on this.), but i’m really starting to wish i’d brought better headphones along with maggie, because she’s bossy and just won’t shut up.

i know i’ve kvetched about those annoying navigational aids before. i also know that my dad reads my blog. add to that the fact that he’s seen RV. surely, by this point you, like i, are scratching your head and wondering how, despite all of the above facts, daddy still insists on traveling with maggie, especially since he’s got an atlas in the car and is not afraid to use it.

however, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday and family togetherness and all that, i am willing to give maggie a chance, however, the first time she tells us to make a u-turn at the next possible opportunity because we’re not following her preferred route, i can’t promise i won’t mumble “bossy bitch” under my breath while reaching for my headphones.

reunited (and it feels so good)

“hi. i think my suitcase may have entered the witness protection program.”

not exactly an approach anyone had taken before, judging from the reactions of the folks behind the (insert name of major airline that rhymes with “us fairways”) baggage counter.

we were already half an hour past daddy’s target departure time for the big road trip down to albuquerque, and i was suffering serious deodorant withdrawal. not wishing to make everyone else suffer the experience of spending approximately 57 ½ hours in the car with my funky pits, daddy and i had driven roughly ten miles to the kansas city airport in search of my missing (yet you would think it would be hard to miss, considering it’s a bright freaking orange) suitcase.

as you may recall, i was told thursday evening, when i reported my suitcase missing, that it would be delivered to me between 12:30 and 4:30 yesterday. as a result, we made sure someone was home to greet it at the door the entire day. because of both the urgent need for more underwear/socks and the whole “watched pot never boils” theory, my stepmother volunteered to stay home while i ventured out to old navy and vickie’s in search of something to throw on my body in an attempt to avoid having to turn certain items of apparel inside out and wearing them again. (sadly, she did not volunteer her debit card number for my little expedition, but i suppose that sort of thing only happens in julia roberts movies.)

after a phone call to the baggage delivery service, which, interestingly enough, is located another ten minutes away from the airport, in the bustling metropolis of platte city, missouri, it was determined that my suitcase had, in fact, made it to kansas city, and just happened to be staring the (undoubtedly harvard-educated) baggage delivery technician in the face. the aforementioned technician claimed he’d called several times yesterday, starting at 12:30 in the afternoon. (my reaction was a bit more understated than daddy’s, which was along the lines of a word i think i last heard him use at some point during my teenage years. in contrast, i use it on at least a weekly basis, if not daily.)

rather than have them deliver my suitcase to the airport while we waited, i obtained driving directions to the state-of-the-art facility where lost luggage eagerly await being reunited with their owners.

as you can imagine, daddy was thrilled with the prospect of driving another ten miles own I-29 to retrieve my luggage, especially since we were now an hour past our target departure time. in fact, during the entire drive to the baggage delivery facility, daddy imparted his philosophy involving lost luggage and the highly trained folks who handle it and so on and so forth.

to make a long story short (assuming it’s not already too late), i still have no clue what phone number they called yesterday, and i’m still pondering what exactly sort of qualifications one must have to be a baggage delivery person, but most importantly, i can tell you at this moment the precise location of both my deodorant and my underwear.

i'm a frequent flyer, but apparently, my suitcase is not.

i've got the only two lines i know from "running up that hill" by kate bush running through my head. i'm not quite sure why. i mean, of all the songs i ripped into my computer last night, why that one? why not "hot hot hot!!!" by the cure?

but you didn't come here to read about music, did you? of course not! you came for mystery, drama, intrigue, and/or (more likely) the latest chapter in the reality sitcom that is my life. (without the scrpt, live studio audience, videocameras and, quite often, the sidesplittingly comedic moments. come to think of it, perhaps i should come up with a better term for it.....)
anyway, i am pleased to report that i made it to kansas city without incident.

well, without too much incident.

incident #1: cell phone guy behind me on the plane who called no fewer than four friends during the five minutes before takeoff. thanks to his inability to speak softly, i now know far more about him, his freinds, his girlfriend, and his fondness for booze than i ever thought necessary. all i can say is that if he gives in and goes barhopping with his girlfriend tomorrow night, i sincerely hope they call a cab.

incident #2: the suitcase i so carefully packed in the half hour between "honey, we need to get going" and "honey, we need to leave right this minute or else the plane will take off without you", along with the suitcases of approximately half of the other passengers on my plane, somehow stayed behind in charlotte. i'm still not completely clear on how this happened. i mean, it was a direct flight. pretty much all that needed to be done was for one of the handlers to pick up the bright orange bag (not an easy feat, since i outdid myself and it tipped the scales at 39.1 lbs) and put it on the plane. i'm thinking maybe they shouldn't have called in the second string of baggage handlers this evening. i mean, how do you not notice the full cart of luggage standing next to the half-empty plane? then again, i suppose it's an understandable mistake, especially if you spent your entire shift cruising around the airport in your luggage cart, trying to get that puppy up to 65 mph...which is most certainly the reason why i would not be a very productive baggage handler.*

anyway, after coming to the realization that my bright orange bag would not be falling off the conveyor belt anytime soon, i joined the herd heading for the baggage office. (at this point, shaun would surely say, "not going anywhere for awhile?", mimicing the snickers ads.....which usually elicits a chuckle from me, followed by the observation that i'm more of a milky way kind of girl.....or hershey's dark. one of the easiest ways to win me over is with dark chocolate.....but i'm digressing again, and making myself hungry, to boot.....)

one of the guys in front of me was highly cranky about his lost luggage. he ranted. he raved. he even stomped his foot and swore, but i think that was mostly for dramatic effect. the most interesting thing about the situation was that his situation was his own fault (left his luggage on a plane and suddenly needed it rightthissecond), yet he was trying to tear the folks at the counter a new one, because they wouldn't chase down his bag and have it waiting on his doorstep ("i live in omaha, dammit!") by the time he drove up there this evening.

i think i understand why the guy wasn't wearing any sort of wedding ring...and judging from his demeanor, he wasn't exactly likely to pick up any chicks (or guys- whatever) with his sparkling personality anytime soon, either.

i'd say he was a tough act to follow, but heck, i might give stand up comedy another thought if i could be guaranteed that he'd warm up the crowd for me each time.

i bounded up to the counter, and as soon as i was acknowledged, said, "hi. i've got a rather unusual problem for you. it seems that i made it here from charlotte, but my luggage did not."

i rattled off of the pertinent information (name, addresses, phone numbers, my picks for this weekend's powerball drawing), and ended with "it looks like bag #22, except it's bright orange."

i was actually thanked for being so upbeat about the situation, to which there was really only one reply:

"i figured that after that last guy, you needed to talk to someone in a better mood.i mean, it's not your fault he forgot his bag....nor is it your fault the folks in charlotte didn't realize that the plane was only half full."

that earned me another thank you from the folks behind the counter, as well as the last one, in response to my hopes that they'd have a good night.

so, where's my gold star? :)

unfortunately, this time, i packed all of my underwear in one place- my suitcase. so, i suppose perhaps i'll reenact the inside-out underwear mishap of last week and head over to vickie's secret tomorrow in search of more undies. (wouldn't you know it- my coupon for a free pair is taped to our door at home. figures.)

*seriously. remember that episode of "tales from the crypt" where brad pitt was kind of evil and drag raced the hunkyish older actor whose name escapes me? picture that with luggage carts on the runway.......

signs you're not getting enough sleep, number 541

here it is, five o' clock, and after being here at work for no less than 11 hours, i have just realized that my underwear is inside out.

on the bright side, however, at least i was awake enough this morning to put some on.

figures....

monday morning, i mailed my final car payment.

monday night, my car decided it no longer wanted to start.

i'm bringing sexy back......

well, maybe that's going a bit far.....but i personally find it impossible to listen to justin timberlake (now playing on wnok) without singing along.

i broke down yesterday, but it wasn't nearly as scary as i imagined it might be.

yes, dear reader, i went shopping.

before i go any further, let me point out that i am not one of those chicks who lives to shop. in fact, unless i'm out of veggies or books, i pretty much avoid shopping all together. (unless, of course, i happen to be on vacation, when i feel it is my duty to support the local economy by purchasing mass quantities of postcards and souvenirs.)

so, normally when money flies out of my bank account, it's to pay for my bills or plane tickets.

but something happened yesterday. i'm not sure if it was the realization that my anniversary is coming up in less than three weeks (yep- five years, and i'm still running from jewelry of great significance), or the desire to get the sort of reactions i did this past thursday, when i wore big girl boots and a short skirt to the def leppard/journey concert, or i simply wanted some type of reward for dragging my lazy butt out of bed not once, but twice this past week to spend some quality time on the treadmill, but i headed straight from work to the mall.

since i'd already scouted things out on both the frederick's and victoria's secret websites, i figured the trip would be a quick in and out (never thought i'd use that phrase in the same sentence as "frederick's" and "victoria's secret") and i could get home and take a nap before an evening of babysitting.

riiiiiight.

there were a few things i hadn't counted on:

1. nothing i'd picked out on either website was in stock in my size.
2. the latest push up bra offered by both establishments pushed up not only my boobs, but also a distressingly large amount of flesh in that previously unnoticed back underarm region. now, i'm not a big girl by any means, but that weird bubble of flesh scared the hell out of me. in fact, if you ever need assistance in a dressing room, just shriek like you've seen a ghost....or previously unknown hunk of flesh in a normally non-fleshy part of your body. i have never seen so many salespeople come running so quickly.
3. once inside the mall, i was reminded that i may have said something this week about buying another skirt or two to wear with my big girl boots, which necessitated a trip to old navy, where i was also reminded that if i buy more white socks, i can put off that load of laundry for a few more days......

and so on and so forth. next thing i know, two and a half hours have gone by, and my bank account is roughly $140 emptier. however, for that $140, i have enough socks to put off that white load for over a week, two new short skirts- which will surely inspire me to haul my butt off to the treadmill tomorrow morning, two new tank tops (i mean, can you beat 2/$12? i think not), and enough new dainty underthings to..uh....inspire interest for an entire weekend.

now, all i need is a good book for my next flight, and i'm set for awhile.....

the good, the bad, and the just plain weird

i was hurting for something to blog about tonight, but lo and behold, salvation has come in the form of statcounter.

it's been awhile since the last time i did this, and i'm pleased to report that it seems the foot fetishists have left the building....or maybe they've just gone into hiding.

anyway, without further adieu, here are some of the latest ways people have stumbled into my blog:

104.7 WNOK journey tickets

imagine that- some poor soul here in columbia (well, technically on the other side of town, in lexington) does not have tickets to the journey concert this thursday, so they googled my station in the hopes of scoring some tickets.

dude, if def leppard performs their set first, i'd be more than happy to let you use my ticket for the journey portion of the concert.

cute and cuddly wallpaper

i'm #9 for this one- somewhere between actual wallpaper sites and...well....more actual wallpaper sites. (i wonder if any of them stock the vaguely risque metallic red wallpaper we had in the bar area of our house in college.....)

slimey the worm t-shirt office space

is there a slimey the worm t-shirt in office space? is that reason enough for me to watch the movie again? i think so. (then again, when was the last time i actually needed a reason to watch office space?)

PLEASE FOGIVE ME ,BRIAN ADAM

oh, honey. i'm not sure bryan adams can "fogive" you for botching his name like that.

meatball "it's all coming back"

*snickering* i'm afraid i'm just not quite sure where to start with this one. as i recall from researching a previous post, meatloaf has actually lost weight recently, which would make him resemble a meatball less than previously, not more.

furthermore, i seriously doubt meatloaf would touch a celine dion tune with a ten foot pole. (if he has, perhaps it's time to cart him off to rehab.)

lyrics dady you can you have to walk away all fogive me mama say

i'm afraid something was lost in the translation here. no- make that a lot of somethings.

"ceiling repair" bob villa

my old boyfriend, patrick, would be proud to know that apparently i'm now one of the leading authorities on ceiling repair. in fact, i'll share my wisdom with you, for the low, low price of "free":

just tell everyone you needed a skylight anyway.

peter pan layout for myspace

i'm pretty sure i double-posted the piece that this search pointed to, so i'm a little curious as to why the searcher in question went with my blogger post instead of the myspace post. something to ponder over a nice bowl of fairy dust-sprinkled cereal, don't you think?

shanana bowser theme song

dear canadian querier behind this search,

i love you, if only because you're not afraid to admit you've heard of sha na na.

love,
duff

girlfriend gunnar nelson quality time

if that's an offer, count me in! maybe if i'm really lucky, he'll serenade me with "more than ever". (yes, i'm being serious- for once.)

rick schroder + cheating on wife

let me assure you, i'm not the "other woman", mostly because i don't share very well.

"block political phone"

tell me about it- i'm sck of the political phone calls, too. yet another reason why i'm never home to answer my phone. wake me when it's over, but only if the congress is under democratic control.

free videos of kate moss,s feet being tickled

perhaps i spoke too soon about the foot fetishists. however, i feel the need to point out that, for once, the fetishist wasn't interested in hilary duff or amanda peet.

i'm too sexy for this post....

i made the mistake of walking down the hall a few minutes ago (i'm at the radio station- my weekend home away from home), and heard this:



which brought to mind the spanish version, which was the "b" side on the cassette single. (i'd offer to sing it for you, but my knowledge of spanish is a bit limited, to say the least.)

though i know all the words to the english version, backwards and forward, as a public service, i will refrain from singing it to you, too.

however, i am unable to make the same promise regarding this one:



it has been far, far, too long since i last did the time warp. in fact, i think the last time was roughly five years ago, when i started working at wnok. that halloween, the djs were allowed to celebrate the season by adding "dead man's party", "werewolves of london", "thriller", and the aforementioned classic from the rocky horror picture show.

i clearly recall, even five years later, as i left the radio station halloween night, i asked the dj after me if he'd mind playing "the time warp" for me to listen to during my drive across town to pass out halloween candy.........

...but i digress.

in kansas city, one could usually find a theatre somewhere in town to see rocky horror on a saturday night. to be perfectly honest, i'm not sure such things are possible here in columbia, south carolina.

that's not the only halloween-related thing i miss about kansas city. (i swear, i never thought i'd miss anything about kansas city, but perhaps the list i posted the other day has stirred up a few memories....)

i miss haunted houses.

sure, they have little "terror trails" around here, but nothing beats going to the old warehouses in the "bottoms" section of downtown kansas city and paying a day's wages (okay, maybe it just seemed that expensive) to get the crap scared out of you at the beast and catacombs....or maybe you weren't actually that scared, but wanted an excuse to hold his/her hand really tight while walking through the attraction.

i miss having a controversy-free halloween.

unless you live along the bible belt, having halloween fall on a sunday is no big deal. however, there was quite an uproar around here a couple of years ago, when halloween fell on a sunday. seriously, you have no idea. as i recall, most counties observed halloween on sunday, but there were a few towns that were convinced that celebrating halloween on a sunday was undoubtedly the fast track to hell. i'm pretty sure the ruckus was caused by the same folks who believe that teaching abstinence instead of sex ed in schools will actually keep their sixteen year olds from playing "find the salami" behind the local waffle house, but i suppose i could be wrong about that. on the bright side, however, savvy kids were able to go trick or treating not once, but twice, because of the controversy, so i suppose it wasn't such a horrible deal after all.

i'd also missed having a halloween costume, so i went out and bought one this year. i'm not sure whether or not i'll actually wear it this year, but at least i could if i wanted to. when i bought it, one of the store employees informed me that that was the best he'd seen that costume look. i assume he was just trying to make a sale, but i also noticed he appeared to be missing an ear, which pretty much qualifies him as the strange sort of guy i generally seem to attract, so who knows?

then again, maybe he's planning on going as van gogh this year.

now that's damn sexy, let me tell you.

in the spirit of the season......

Which Rocky Horror Character are You?

You are *Janet*! O.K so you may start off rather lame but you come into your own at the end. You are pretty and very funny to watch. You look good in your underwear and you get it on with both Frank and Rocky. Yay!
Take this quiz!

toucha, toucha, touch me, indeed.

psst!

(new secrets have been posted over at postsecret....my first internet stop on sunday mornings.)

and, no- i didn't send in this one, but i think it's perfect.

"so- where you from?"

i've had a couple of rather interesting little bulletins show up on myspace lately. i briefly considered passing them on via bulletin, but that'd only cause more important bulletins like "naughty sex survey", "would u do me?", and "who do u like?" to scroll off of your pages that much faster, and i hate to deprive you of such quality entertainment. (for the record, since i didn't bother to pass any of those on, either, my answers, in no particular order are: "u, of course", "only if i took up drinking heavily and mistook u for val kilmer", and "57.5".)*

besides, since most of my random musings readers lack myspaces (or won't admit to having them, anyway), this way i can share these little tidbits with everyone, without having to leave any readers out.

yep, i'm feeling a bit lazy. it happens....sort of like having zits at 28. pass the clearasil when you're done with it, kiddo.

anyway, both of these items were of a rather geographical nature (what are the bets that at least one of my readers is deprived enough to have somehow read that as "pornographical" which, naturally, would be more than just "pornographic"...or something like that.), and i figure maybe 4 or 5 of you could relate to each. everyone else can just shake their heads and mumble something about my friends having way too much time on their hands.

or, if you're really lazy like i am today, you can simply hit ctrl-c and ctrl-v and a few keys in between and copy it all for an easy post on your blog:

you know you are from KC when...

...you know that Kansas City is actually two cities in two states, Kansas and Missouri, and you make sure people know which one you're from.

... if you live on the Kansas side, you think Missouri drivers are pokey and frustrating. If you live on the Missouri side, you think Kansas drivers are crazy and erratic.


... your airport is known as KCI (Kansas City International Airport) yet, the airport code is MCI.

... you tell visitors that your city is the "City of Fountains" and they look at you blankly because no one outside of the city has EVER heard it called that, even though we do have over 200 fountains sprinkled throughout the city.

... you've given the following answers: "Yes, we have tornados." "No, I don't know Dorothy."

... you whined through the 90's about Marty Ball and now wish he was back so the Chiefs could just make the playoffs.

... you Christmas shop at the Plaza and ice skate at Crown Center in the winter.

... you know better than to try and drive through "the triangle" at rush hour.

... you know Leawood sucks.

... you've had a skyscraper at Windsteads.

... you remember how awesome Ward Parkway used to be, and now complain that you have to go to Town Center

... you've barhopped in Westport.

... you brag about having the only WWI memorial in the nation, but neglect to tell people it looks like a cock and balls.

... you've ridiculed the giant shuttlecock sculptures on the lawn of the Nelson Atkins Museum of Art to your local friends, but defended them to out-of-towners.

... you have ever defended Dick Vermeil for being such a cry baby.

... you've bragged to others how close you live to the Meth capital of the world, but thank God its still far away enough to not make you feel white trash.

... you think Johnson County folks are a bit pretentious (even if you are one).

...you've had Brian Busby come to your school to talk about Weather.

... you've gotten in a fight in gradeschool over the MU/KU allegiance.

... you know who Tech N9ne is, and freak out during "We reppin KCMO, the fellas and the ladies know"

... the term "the Dot" itself has made you laugh.

... you know where the Appleby's house is.

... and George Brett's house.

... you brag you're from the Missouri side.

... you keep the fact that you're from KCK a secret.

... you're driving directions always involve Ward Parkway or State Line or I-35 or I-435

... Wyandotte County confuses the hell out of you.

... you're mad because Nebraska Furniture Mart used to delivery to Kansas City for free, all the way from Omaha, but now that they have a big new NFM store right here in KC, you have to pay for delivery.

... you think that every year is the year the Chiefs will win it all.

... you've spent many a day riding rides and eating park food at Worlds of Fun.

... you've watched the American Royal parade and rodeo and sampled BBQ at the annual cookoff.

... you know that KC has a jazz district down at 18th and Vine, even if you've never been there.

... you can't find a steak worthy of your pallette outside of KC.

... you know that if you don't get to Suicide Hill by 8 AM, you're gonna get nothing but dirt.

... you know the name Buck O'Neil needs to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame....NOW.

... you know that Union Station wasn't always so lame.

... you have had some of the best BBQ ever... from a gas station.

... one of your guilty pleasures is Go Chicken Go, despite how disgusting it really is.

... you've eaten a meal that was delivered to you by a model train.

.. regardless if you're from the suburban wannabe KC area, you still tell people from out of town you're from KC; and that's because it sounds so much worse to say you're from Shawnee Mission, Leawood, Overland Park, Liberty, Harrisonville, Belton, Blue Springs, Lee's Summit, Mission Hills, Olathe, Odessa, Longview, Grandview, Raytown, Merriam, Riverside, Kearney, De Soto, Fairway, Gladstone, Excelsior, Leavenworth, Ottawa, Prairie Village, Raymore, Bonner Springs (hahahahaha), Parkville, Tonganoxie, Unity Village(~do people actually live in Unity Village??), Westwood, Peculiar, or Riverside. I mean come on, how lame is that?

... you and your friends have been talking about stealing a 69 South sign for years.

... you are wary of "Flush" Creek.

... you still call it Sandstone.

... you think Windsteads craps all over Steak and Shake in Quality and Taste.

... you've celebrated the turning on of Christmas lights with about 100,000 other drunk people... every year.

... you take the back way to Kauffman/Arrowhead by passing by LC's Barbeque.

... you've drank at Loose Park at night. (~no thanks, I don't wanna get shot!!)

... you went to Knights of Columbus dances.

... you know that fireworks sustain Riverside. (~they also have cheap cigarettes)

... it can take you up to 45 minutes to get to a friends house, without traffic.

... one word: Comets.

... you know who the "Nigerian Nightmare" is.

... you know Manny.

... you set off enough fireworks to blow up China every year on the fourth of July, even though all the news stations remind you "they're cracking down this year."

... you went to Waldo Pizza/Imo's/Uno's before a dance.

... you know the following numbers: 648-8888 and 321-2277 (and can sing the accompanying songs).

... you spent a full day learning how life works at Exchange City.

... you remember running through the Crown Center fountains as a kid.

... you've stood in line for hours to buy a dual pass for The Edge of Hell and The Beast and complained about how bad the Beast sucked afterwards

... you've been to Kaleidoscope (and still want to go back).

... you've have personally seen Beetlejuice put a rat in his mouth or lick your car window.

... when you are describing an upscale part of town in a different city to your KC friends, you refer to it as "Johnson County".

and now, for the interactive portion of today's post:

Start with 100 and take off 5 of each question that you answer NO to. The higher the percentage the more of a South Carolinian you are!


1) Do you like sweet tea? yes

2) Do you get dressed up to go tailgating for a football game? no

3a) (Girls) Do you wear you're pearls with jeans? no

3b) (guys) Do you own more than 10 hats but only wear 1?

4) Have you ever gone to the Carolina cup? no

5) Have you even been "muddin"? no

6) Have you ever spent a day at "the river"? no

7) Do you own anything with the tree and moon on it? no

8) Do you love Boiled Peanuts? no

9) Have you ever been to some county festival (i.e. Okra strut, peach festival, water festival)? no

10) Have you ever been to the "market" in Charleston? yes

11) Have you spent at least one night partying in 5 points? yes

12) Have you heard of Shealy's bbq? yes

13) Have you ever spent a night at Myrtle Beach? yes

14) Do you eat grits on a regular basis? no

15) Have you eaten at a waffle house more than once a week? no

16) Do you still use sir/ma'am, please and thank you on a daily basis? yes

17) Do you know at least part of "the shag"? no

18) Have you ridden in the back of a pickup truck? yes

19) Do you say the word "y'all" all the time? only because i watched the "beverly hillbillies" a little too often during my formative years

20) Do you still have that southern charm? whether or not i'm actually charming is debatable.

woo-hoo! after six years here, i'm only roughly 35% south carolinian. there may be hope for me yet......

bono's conducting my train of thought tonight.....

i've been driving SO's car all week, mostly because it has a cd player, and mine doesn't. (what can i say? i was unwilling to put up with power locks and power windows in order to get a sunroof and cd player. go ahead and call me stubborn- it's not like that's something i haven't heard before.)

anyway, i discovered monday morning that he had the cd below in his car, and i've spent the week getting reaquainted with bono. (no, this does not mean i'm currently sporting one of his rubber bracelets. i'm afraid i'm just not into that particular thing. i have a long history of being untrendy.) at the moment, i've got the chorus of "until the end of the world" stuck in my head. well, not quite the chorus- the part about trying to drown your sorrows...but they learned how to swim.

i consider myself pretty lucky- i'll admit it.

i mean, i'm not rich, and the chances of hugh hefner begging me to be in playboy are pretty slim, but i'm doing pretty well for myself, i think. i really like my jobs, not to mention the ability to go on vacation pretty much whenever i want. sure, it's unpaid vacation, but the bills are pain, there' money in the savings account, and i figure i'd be pretty foolish not to go out and explore as much as possible while i have the ability to do so.

the dalai lama hasn't promised me total consciousness upon my deathbed, but i know if i get my tail in a crack, there are people who care about me enough to come to my rescue.

i don't have any pictures of paris hilton doing scandalous things that i could sell to people magazine and make enough money to buy that stretch escalade that completely repulses me (don't even get me started on my thoughts about suvs....especially the luxury ones that obviously aren't going to be taken off the road...ever), but six people on here are sufficiently amused by my writings (which, added to the readership i can claim over on myspace makes.....twelve) to come back on a regular basis- even if i'm not blogging nearly as regularly as i used to.

actually, the first time i realized someone i didn't know was reading my ramblings, it freaked me out. i've since gotten more comfortable about it. in fact, it's sort of like the way i handle radio- when it's just me and a microphone, i can delude myself into believing it's just me and a microphone. then again, if my weekend gig involved being onstage in front of the portion of our state that our signal actually covers.....i think i'd have to wear depends. same goes for reading my stuff out loud. the theory also explains why that whole "stand-up comedian" career plan went out the window. how is it i could be young and fearless when i was little and did school plays and olympics of the mind and whatnot, and now the idea of being in front of a crowd of people and actually having to open my mouth makes me feel about as comfortable as an eighty year old nun sitting in an adult movie theater next to paul reubens?

thankfully, i never have to do that sort of thing.

bono's totally all over it, though.

duff's (nearly) universal rule about men and puppies

if they're rubbing up against you, chances are good they want something from you.

now playing on my mental jukebox.....

perhaps i shouldn't have mentioned the monkees in last night's post- i've had "pleasant valley sunday" stuck in my head for most of the day.

not that i mind all that much, really- though it would be helpful if i could remember the words to the whole song, not just a set of four lines that seem to be stuck on permanent "repeat" in my head.

it's finally getting chilly here in south carolina. i think we only made it to the mid-60s today (hey- that's pretty cold for us, considering....), and i left work earlier than usual (though by no means early) so i could haul my cacti in before they got too cold. i'm afraid a couple of them might not make it, though. guess maybe i should have watered them once or twice in the last couple of months.

maybe sometimes being low maintainence can be a bad thing, i suppose.

..and just like that, the monkees are out, and chris isaak is in.

in a mellow mood

i have this cd ripped into my laptop. it's one of only a few. out of my 1000 or so cds (i've always had a bad cd habit, even before getting into radio. i have my dad to blame for it), only 5 or 6 full albums are loaded onto my computer...the rest of the library consists of a song or two here and there...and maybe one day, when i have more time (and memory on my laptop), i'll add a few more albums. until then, if i want to listen to something in its entirety, my choices are:

headlines and deadlines: the hits of a-ha
from under the cork tree- fall out boy
ready, sex, go- the marvelous 3
the monkees greatest hits
don't tell mom the babysitter's dead soundtrack
the labyrinth soundtrack
sounds of the underground (an 80's alternative/new wave compilation)
about five dr. demento compilations
and this.....sister sweetly, by big head todd and the monsters.

don't know why i felt like sharing such life-changing news with you, but there you go.

this cd (the big head todd one) reminds me of someone from high school. (a boy, naturally. as my close friends from that era can attest, i think i wound up harboring a crush on roughly 10% of the male population of park hill high school at any one time. it's probably just as well that i rarely got dates. i certainly wasn't ready to be on the playing field, let alone rounding many bases....and certainly not with some of my crushes. fortunately, my standards have been raised as i've gotten older. "because he asked me out and wasn't wearing women's clothing at the time" is no longer enough to justify saying "yes". but i digress.....)

anyway, that someone happens to be on myspace.

you know how sometimes you search for random people from your past, just to see if they're on here? (surely i'm not the only one who does it, am i?)

well, one day i typed his name in.

and he's here.

and married.

with a kid.

and i'm reminded of the fact that when i was in kansas city last thanksgiving, i brought back something that belongs to him- a book of peotry and song lyrics that i borrowed from him a mere 12 or so years ago.

i know- oops.

i'm afraid i'm not always the best about returning things i've borrowed. then again, i suppose it sort of evens out, since i've had a few possessions march off into the sunset. (like that inxs poster i stupidly traded my freshman year of high school. i will never stop kicking myself over that.)

anyway, i brought it back to south carolina with me because i figured i could mail it back to him (he's in the kansas city phone book, after all) with a note apologizing for the delay and maybe he'd get curious about what i was up to and send a note back or something.....

yeah, i doubt it too.

isn't it interesting how you can be so totally hung up on someone (for the record, we never so much as dated, kissed.....any of that. not even after i started wearing green because it was (of course) his favorite color...), and not even be a blip on their radar?

(yes, that's just my fancy way of saying that val kilmer still hasn't called.)

a funny thing happened at the fair....

last night, i went to the sc state fair (for the first time, i might add) with the bosses and their kids. we split up into two groups, and i wound up heading for the "big kid" rides with the guys. since most of the rides were two-seaters, that meant someone generally wound up riding alone, or with a stranger.......and one of the times, i wound up being the loner.

i was still trying to figure out the likelihood that the ride in question was going to make me toss my cookies when a guy who would've been my type about 10 years ago (and i'm guessing he was only a year or two older than i was ten years ago) came up and asked if he could ride with me. no problem.

as he was getting strapped in, he skipped past the whole "introduction" thing and headed straight for "how old are you?".

i know that with the braces/zits/ponytail combination i was sporting last night, i probably looked a little young. i hadn't quite realized how young.

"probably older than you think." (a safe bet, and i can't say i'm not proud of my youthful good looks)

*silence*

"oh"

"how old do you think i am?"

"uh....seventeen"

wow. no wonder he didn't tell me his name first- he was concerned i was jailbait.

i thanked him for the low estimate, and broke it to him gently- that i was 28- almost ready to start comparing nursing homes.

"wow. i was figuring 14 or 15, but then you said you were older......"

ah yes, it seems i haven't lost my touch. 75% of what i attract always has been either married, female, or none too bright.

have you ever noticed......

....that the right thing to do and the easy thing to do are rarely one and the same?

i mean, it would be easy to scarf down the entire bag of caramel kisses without leaving any for SO, but aren't we taught from a young age that it's better to share?

(don't mind me- i think it's the pms talking.)

procrastination for a worthy cause?

i'm having a hard time focusing this morning (err....make that afternoon). as usual, i have stuff i could be doing, but i seem to be mentally bouncing off the walls.

id blame my lack of focus on all the caffiene i've consumed lately, but i've actually been behaving pretty well lately.....aside from the vat of baja blast SO brought back from taco bell the other night.....but that should have worn off by now, shouldn't it?

anyway, most of my energy today has been spent trying to reorganize my digital photos. while digging through some of the folders, i realized that i've been fortunate enough to go some really cool places this year. (trust me- the fact that i can travel pretty much whenever i want to is something i am quite grateful for. i know how lucky i am.....and i figure i should take full advantage of my situation, since i have no idea when i'll have such a great arrangement again.)

here are a few favorite shots from some of my outings this year:


havasu falls, havasupai


mooney falls, havasupai
grand canyon national park, arizona
april 2006


norris geyser basin


grand canyon of the yellowstone
yellowstone national park, wyoming
june 2006


the tetons, grand teton national park
wyoming, june 2006


the virgin river, zion canyon


"wall street", zion narrows
zion national park, utah
early september 2006

by the way, the october 2006 issue of national geographic magazine has some fantastic articles about(and, of course, pictures of) our national parks. (i'm pleased to report that all four of the ones pictured above are mentioned, as well as several i'd like to visit in the near future.) the issue is definitely worth checking out if you have the time. while i wouldn't necessarily call myself a "tree hugger", it distresses me to consider some of the possible fates of these parks.....something i'm afraid most folks wouldn't understand if they've never been to the grand canyon, or yellowstone, or the tetons, or zion, or just about any other major national park.

if any of you have national park photos of your own posted anywhere, plase let me know where to find them. i'm beginning to plan out my vacations for 2007 and would love suggestions.......

why i do not have kids: reason #367

when you have a kid, somebody's got to act like a grown up.......and i'm guessing it's not generally the one of you running around in the diaper.

back off, mr. roboto

perhaps it's pms....perhaps it's frustration over being unable to locate the bag of caramel hershey's kisses i cleverly hid from SO awhile back.....but i'm a little cranky and here's who i feel like blaming this evening:

~people who can't seem to pronounce the word "jaguar".
i've run into this particular problem here in south carolina, more than anywhere else i have ever lived. even after six years of residing here, i am still stumped as to how "jaguar" somehow comes out of folks' mouths as if it were spelled "jagwire". every time i hear it, i am tempted to ask the offender to pronounce "guano" for me.

~styx. i simply cannot find it in my heart to forgive them for "mr. roboto".
i heard that song- and not even the whole song, but just a verse of it- earlier today, and it had been stuck ever since. i am firmly convinced that "mr. roboto" could be used to effectively break down prisoners. forget the chinese water torture....forget any of the other 345 forms of torture our fearless leader wants to allow- hearing "domo arigato, mr. roboto" over and over and over again could even get my sweet, innocent cheyenne (after the city, not the tribe) grandma to admit to running over prize poodles and harboring bin laden in her basement.

~telemarketers/other annoying phone callers
for once and for all, i am happy with my phone service and i'm not voting for your candidate. on second thought, if your phone service will automatically block political phone calls.........

~incompetent mickey d's employees who can't seem to get my order right
don't you people know who i am? i own 88 shares of stock in your company...unless there's been a recent split, in which case i'm up to...uh....carry the one......176. therefore, i should be considered important enough to deserve the salad dressing i ordered (lite italian, because i dig the extra pepper) and the buffalo wing sauce i ordered to go with my nuggets. (no, barbeque sauce is not the same thing.)

please hold still while i shove this lipstick up your nose.

so, let's just say, hypothetically, that you're a fan of avon. and let's just say, hypothetically, that several months ago, you placed a $25 avon order, and when i delivered it to you, you paid by check....which you put on hold the day before i tried to cash it.

oh, but wait- there's more.

let's say, hypothetically, that when i tried to contact you after getting the love note from my bank stating that your check did not clear, you did a great imitation of a participant of the federal witness protection program.

continuing along our hypothetical line of thinking, let's say that one day, roughly three months after giving you up for dead, i come home from work and hear your voice on my answering machine.

are you calling to find out where to send the check?

no.

are you calling to apologize for taking so long to get back to me but hope i understand, since you've spent the last four months hiding out in afghanistan with bin laden?

no.

let's say, hypothetically, that you actually have to audacity to call me and place another order.

but wait- there's more.

when i call you to express willingness to place your order after your account has been settled, let's just suppose that you first deny that you'd previously placed an order, then claim that the check cleared your bank, and then, when i point out that your balance needs to be cleared before i can place your new order, you say "ok" and then freaking hang up on me.

i sincerely hope that this woman calls me next week to ask when i'll deliver her order. not only has she pushed my customer service skills to the limit, but i'll be in the middle of full-on pms by then, and i've already got the tape recorder ready, because i am sure i'll say something priceless.

pictures and a couple thousand words (what a bonus!)

i've been playing catch-up today......well, when it comes to the stuff i'm not currently trying to avoid, that is.

(yes, folks, i'm calling the weekly meeting of "procrastinators anonymous" to order.)

first, go check out my handiwork over at random photos. i've spent the last 6 hours tinkering around with it, and i think that, after a month of neglect, i'm finally caught up.

go ahead, i'll wait.

wasn't it all you ever dreamed and more? no? well, i'll have to try a little harder this week, i guess.....cracked lens and all.

yeah- that happened sometime last weekend, judging from my photos. remember those cheap 35 mm cameras that would put waldo or garfield or rainbow brite or whatever on your pictures? well, i now own a more modern, subtle version- it puts a nice streak in the upper left hand corner of every photo i take. i could photoshop it out, but i like imperfections and, as a general rule, i only use photoshop to resize and sometimes crop my photos.

anyway, catching up to myself.....i realized this afternoon that i forgot to recognize a very important anniversary- i left the preschool a year and a week ago. in celebration of this milestone, let me present to you......

five things i do not miss now that i'm no longer at my former place of employment

1. diapers/potty training- i figure i have paid my dues. in the event that i have kids, SO will be handling those areas.....

2. getting 11 out of the twelve kids to sleep.....just before #12 decides to practice their vaudeville routine, which incorporates singing, dancing, gymnastics, and (when told to "cut it out") a rather accurate imitation of a possessed toddler, complete with banshee wail.

3. that one special set of parents in each class that simply refuse to believe that their little angel could hit/kick/bite/spit at/talk back to/smear bodily secretions upon you and/or any of their classmates....who obviously deserved it anyway. (of course, as you're showing them the bite marks their child left on your ankle, the child in question is inevitably trying to perfect their imitation of several looney tunes characters- all at once.)

4. boogers on khakis. (thank goodness that was generally the worst i wound up with.)

5. "i pay $$$$$ a month in tuition, so why are you asking me to bring in wipes/kleenex/a muzzle?" (some folks never seemed to grasp that their tuition checks were not being turned over to me directly. i mean, really, had i been making $600 per month per child, i certainly would be zipping around town in a much fancier vehicle than my current mode of transportation.)

perhaps next year the statute of limitations will have run out and i can share five more with you.....until then, have i mentioned how much i love my current job? we're talking right up there with my love of val kilmer, the haunted mansion ride, and tacos, folks. pretty serious stuff.....

which reminds me- you've this far down the page. why not go a little further and maybe leave a comment or two on the post below?

run away! run away!

i have accomplished a grand total of squat today. however, i have come away inspired by this post from dooce. (what do you mean you've never been to dooce.com? liar!)

after spending my entire airshift on wnok scrolling through the comments inspired by that particular post, i've decided to tackle this  very dangerous topic (actually, since only 1 of my old boyfriends dares to read any of my blogs, i figure i'm pretty safe).

here's my list, which (it must be noted) is by no means exhaustive:

~overly religious. 

i'm a pretty open-minded person. i tend to follow the ol "whatever trips your trigger" line of thinking on most things. that said, please don't try to convince me that i need to "find jesus"...i figure there are enough people looking already. as soon as someone finds him, i'm sure it'll be plastered all over the cover of every major newspaper in the western hemisphere. i could use a good nap more than a wild goose chase.

~smoker

seriously, the last time i was okay with licking an ashtray was during an evening of drunken debauchery in college. (no, i've never actually licked an ashtray, but is kissing a smoker really that far removed from it?)

~lack of sense of humor

were i not so lazy, i'd put this first. seriously.

~what do you mean, "why do you have so many rubber duckies?"

seriously, if my childlike zest for life bothers you, perhaps you should leave. (i should also mention that my childlike zest for life is carefully balanced with my collection of impractical underthings, thankyouverymuch.....and no, they're not stored in the same area of my apartment.)

~hate to travel? a sure sign that this isn't going to work.

life's too short to spend it in one place. i have a really hard time understanding how anyone my age hasn't made it to at least a beach by this point in their life.

~the guy who dumped me for my poor taste in music? done.

so sorry i wasn't into your ambient/techno/crunk music.....especially in the bedroom which, come to think of it, reminds me of the other reason you dumped me. i'm still waiting for you to come out of the closet, quite frankly, and i think that blogging about your beloved "herb garden" is a sure sign that you're on your way.......

~if it takes less than two minutes, it shouldn't count.

call me heartless, but if i wanted quick draw mcgraw, i would have gone after an eighteen year old. (not that the guy in question was much older then that at the time, but still. i mean, really- he was old enough that it shouldn't have started and ended during the same commercial break. every. single. time.**)

don't worry- i'm sure i'll think of more......

in the meantime, what qualities in a potential mate will send you running towards the sunset, never to look back?

**i know, i know- you would think i'd have learned after the first time, but i was honestly convinced that it was a fluke, simply because he hadn't had any attention in awhile. plus, he was kind of hot.

waiting for the right moment to tell you......

(no, it's not one of mine- i can honestly say i haven't submitted anything to postsecret yet- but it just seemed.....perfect

aye aye aye aye aye

if you've ever seen "the gods must be crazy", you understand just how much the title of this post expresses my exasperation at my current situation.

here i sit at work, procrastinating as usual, trying to chase down a certain pet shop boys tune to stick on my myspace profile, and what am i coming up with instead of an "add"able version of "always on my mind" to put on my profile?

ignorance....and lots of it.

since myspace mail seems to be temporarily down, let me air my grievances here:

1. i may be a bit of a skeptic, but i think most people would agree with me that the pet shop boys cannot be classified as "crunk".

2. unless there's a cover floating around there that i haven't run into, i believe "send me an angel" was recorded by real life, not the pet shop boys.

3. oh- and "hands to heaven"? that was breathe...not the pet shop boys.

4. i do not appreciate being teased. if you're going to set up a page as "pet shop boys" and put up my favorite pet shop boys songs, it is downright cruel for you to block me from adding them to my profile.

aye aye aye aye aye

my not so secret admirer returns!

i almost forgot to share this with you.....this little treasure was in my email yesterday:

Dearest Duff,
I miss you. Enclosed is a picture of me and my host....I tried to crop
her
out but she wouldn't let me.

Love,
Freud

(i tried to upload the picture, but blogger seems to feel the need to censor the picture freud sent. perhaps it's jealous of his large ego.)

back to the future

i figured i'd clear out my inbox today (since i'm unable to declutter my apartment, i figure my email is better than nothing) during my wnok shift (if it's between 10m and 3pm edt, you can catch me on our stream....), but the first email i cleaned out of my junk inbox has left me confused.

it wasn't the subject matter (gain 500% in less than five minutes!), nor the source (SexKitten1505), but the date that got me.

the email was dated january 15, 2038.

funny, i don't feel nearly 60. does this mean that i'll receive one less piece of junk mail in another 32 years?

someone get austin powers on the line- i need answers, and i need them now, dammit!

i also need an explanation as to how this sort of thing is possible, yet i can't seem to convince yahoo to allow me to attach pictures to my emails.

i'd ask SexKitten1505, but i'm sure she's busy tinkering with her flux capacitor.

because you're dirty....

....but you have a good heart.

don't ask- i get strange songs stuck in my head sometimes.....make that all the time. it was "freebird" this morning, and now the cd i've been playing while driving around in SO's car the past few days seems to be etched into my brain.

before the bosses left town this evening, she asked what was wrong with my car. (i'm not exactly the fondest of driving SO's vehicle- i dislike gas-guzzling SUVs* and i'm not a fan of automatics, and SO's wheels somehow combine the worst of both worlds.....but he's got a cd player, which is one little amenity i didn't bother with on my car.)

i explained that we'd swapped while i was on vacation- it seemed a wise idea, since my car gets 29mpg, and his gets...well......12. (no- that's no a typo- we sat down and calculated it once. stupid SUV....)

i explained that we hadn't swapped back because he needs my car (and the car seat strapped in the backseat) to transport the little woman on a daily basis.

it just seemed like a nobler reason than "i'm not finished listening to this bodyrockers cd yet."

*actually, make that SUVs in general. why buy a vehicle that was intended for off road use if you have no intention of ever taking it off the road? just admit it- you have enough kids/crap to need a minivan.

they're lovers, not biters, so why do i itch?

they looked like happy little lovebugs.

those aren't two headed bugs up there....they're just, uh, temporarily siamese twins. (i love having to make up euphemisms, just in case there are any innocent little eyes reading this.)

it seems to be mating season for these critters down here in florida. when i was down here a couple of months ago, these bugs were nowhere to be found, but they seem to be making up for it now. in fact, there were swarms of them when we arrived a few days ago (on friday, to be exact).

initially, we thought they were pretty innocent. i mean, sure- they'd fly up to you in positions clearly drawn from a certain illustrated ancient indian text, but you'd brush them off, and then you'd have a good 30 seconds or so before the next amorous pair decided your body was the perfect setting for their libidinous lovebug lambada.

i wondered why i was so itchy. i mean, i hadn't seen a single mosquito, yet somehow i kept getting bug bites....and when i get bitten, the welts tend to swell, and not just because i'm constantly scratching them.

come to find out, one of my companions had a conversation yesterday with a florida native who informed him that the bugs are harmless....unless you squish them, in which case they release a toxin which- you guessed it- irritates the skin.

aha! perhaps i have not been so gentle in my bug-brushing after all.

this, paired with the fact that i'd carefully packed my razor in a plastic bag and then left it in my bathroom, which translated to having stubble on my legs that most eighteen year old boys would envy*, means i'll be sporting jeans in the 90 degree weather.

*come to think of it, maybe the last few weren't squished- they'd accidentally impaled themselves on my leg hair.

disneyworld deja vu- part one

i know you've been on the edge of your seat, eagerly awaiting one of my usual vacation dispatches. well, wait no more. i need something to do to get my mind off the pain i am currently experiencing due to a bit of overindulgence at boma buffet here at the animal kingdom lodge at disneyworld, and i'm overdue for a post, so i might as well take care of two birds with one stone.

too bad i can't come up with an equally easy solution for my current state....i mean, how bad is it when your stomach winds up sticking out beyond your boobs just because you couldn't resist having three delightfully sinful zebra domes (chocolate, chocolate mousse, angel food cake, and kahlua), which looked kind of loonely on that big ol' plate, so of course i had to add a few things to keep them company, and since i was taught at an early age to eat dinner before dessert, i had 3 other plates of food before i even approached the dessert end of the buffet and good grief my stomach hurts.

anyway, where was i? ah yes- my vacation.

i'm here with my "adoptive" family. it's a long story, but basically i've known keith and rhonda for the past ten years. i am one of four daughters they "adopted" during their stays in ohio and missouri over the years. (i was the second missouri "daughter" and the last of the four overall.)

we arrived here yesterday morning, after holing up in jacksonville thursday night. after checking into the animal kingdom lodge, we pretty much tossed our bags in the room and headed over to epcot center, my favorite park at disneyworld.

(before i continue boring you with the details thus far, let me mention that i'm pounding out this post from our balcony, where the view looks like this:


(i know, i know- i seriously need to strip the polish off my toes and start over. however, i'm on vacation, so i'm not really all that concerned about the issue at the moment.)

oh, and i have another picture i want to post- one of the giraffes moved a bit closer, and i get a clear shot of it, but does blogger want me to share it with you? nooooooo. perhaps i'll put it up on random photos.....or perhaps not. we'll have to see.

so, anyway, we went to epcot yesterday. after a snack in morocco, we wandered around a few of the other countries before heading to the polynesian resort for the ohana dinner. after dinner, we went to the magic kingdom for an hour, and rode the buzz lightyear and stitch rides in tomorrowland. most of the crowd came home after that, but rhonda and i hopped back on the monorail and headed back to epcot to take advantage of the extended hours they offered for resort guests.

roughly four rides, six gift shops/kiosks, and four hours later, we finally made it back to the room.

(to be continued later, in an attempt to trick blogger into letting me post more of my pictures)

disney-vu

hey...wasn't i just here not that long ago?

actually, i'm kidding- we're spending the night in jacksonville, florida, and then we'll drive the last 3 hours to the happiest place on earth.

i'd offer up pictures for your amusement, but, well, i haven't exactly taken any yet. (let's face it- the view of the back of a van's middle row in the dark is not all that thrilling.)

a little lip action?

so all day today, i wondered if i was losing weight. sure, it was a long shot, considering that i didn't eat anything this weekend that wasn't complete and total junk, but hey- my jeans were looser than usual, so maybe i'd actually stumbled upon some secret kfc weight loss plan.

i should have just stayed with that thought, rather than checking the tag in my jeans and discovering that not all of my larger pairs had been put away at the top of my closet.

on another note, we've been playing this a lot at the radio station lately, and i finally listened to the lyrics this morning on the way to work. i'd use it as my profile song, but cute as hinder's lead singer may be, he just doesn't have quite the same appeal as weird al.

baby did a bad bad thing

i did something terribly dangerous last night, and i must discourage you, my three impressionable readers, from following in my footsteps.

what i did last night was extremely risky, and wound up costing me not only precious time and money, but my heart was even a little broken in the process.

for the first time in at least four months, i set foot in best buy.

"so what, duff? that's no big deal. i go there all the time."

yes, jamie, i know you do. however, it's worth pointing out a few little facts:

1. i rarely shop. generally, the only exceptions occur when i'm on vacation (it makes me feel better to add to the local economy, even if it is that of, say, disneyworld. i mean, someone has to pay snow white's salary, don't they?) or SO and i are out of necessities like toothpaste, toilet paper, or cheese.

2. there are only two types of stores where i will find myself hard-pressed to keep my bill under $100: bookstores and music/entertainment stores.

(before i go any further, it's probably worth mentioning that i stopped by waldenbooks on the way to best buy last night, but i'm pleased to report my bill was under $50....mostly because it appears that neither augusten burroughs nor laurie notaro have written anything lately.)

so anyway, after the last best buy excursion (to the tune of $200-something, if i remember correctly), i'd avoided the store like a prom queen avoids having to kiss the captain of the chess team.

until last night, that is....and it's all my sidekick's fault.

i'd finally decided to attend today's birthday party, which left one small problem.

just what do you buy the five-year-old who has everything? i mean, she's into bratz, barbies, princesses and polly pockets, but guess what every other party invitee had been advised to present to her? i needed something original, something that just screamed "duff", something to impress her sufficiently enough that it wouldn't get hurled at the nearest farm animal. (did i mention this party was at a petting zoo? farm animals were all over the place- i didn't want to be responsible for my gift wiping out a chicken or rabbit or other small critter.)

i'm pleased to report i found something perfect, and even more thrilled to report that my sidekick liked it so much that it was one of the few presents that didn't become airborne as soon as it was freed from its wrapping paper.

unfortunately for my checking account, not only did i find the buttercup edition of the princess bride for her birthday, but i also found a special edition set of the original star wars trilogy in a collector's tin for SO's birthday (also today, by the way), as well as a few little things for myself....like the new jason mraz album ($19.99 for a super-duper collector's edition, including a 36-page journal, extra liner notes, and his phone number*....), an inxs dvd, a two-cd robin williams set, jack johnson's latest cd.....no wait- i had to put that one back in favor of a pee wee herman dvd (oh, come on- they're practically interchangable, don't you think?), chris isaak's greatest hits....no, wait- had to put that one back because i grabbed it right before robin williams and, well, even i have to prioritize every once in a while.

ok- maybe that's everything.

"but what about the heartbreak, duff? you mentioned heartbreak, and so far i'm not hearing anything that's bringing a tear to my eye."

ok- since you seem intent on making me relive a painful moment from last night.....

picture our short, blondish hero (uh, that would be me), walking down the dvd aisles of best buy, princess bride already in hand. suddenly, i look down at about ankle level and stop dead in my tracks.

no, i didn't see a giant cockroach/palmetto bug. i saw a movie. not just any movie, mind you, but one of my favorites. this flick has it all- mystery, humor, intrigue, and most importantly, val kilmer.

not only that, but it's one of my favorite kilmer films.....which is why i was....startled to see it marked at only $4.99.

i think i have one reader who, like me, watched gene simmons' family jewels. did you see that episode where gene and his son are shopping for clothes and gene is aghast to find a kiss t-shirt at a vintage store for the bargain basement price of $2? that's about how i felt last night. i briefly considered grabbing a copy of the saint, marching up to the counter, and insisting on paying 20 times the price for it while giving the cashier a lecture on the value of such a cinematic masterpiece, but then it occured to me that, without gene's financial resources, that's a simply ridiculous move. i mean, i tend to get caught up in the principle of things, and the movie's good, but not good enough to render my rent check rubber.

besides, were i willing to spend that much on the saint, something would've had to give, and unfortunately, my backup gift for the sidekick would have definitely taken out least a goose, if not two.

*i'm kidding, but hey- i write all sorts of stuff in my journal- why wouldn't he?

tell me, what's the word?

before you get too excited and get up to grab popcorn and a coke in anticipation of finally learning all the words to that classic hit by cameo (and, more importantly, learning the secret to making your voice sound all funky like that), let me let you down easy-

we're not here to discuss cameo today. we're here to talk about something far more important than a song designed to make you shake your groove thang.

we're here to discuss withdrawal. this is dead serious, and i'm way too cheap to pay for therapy.....which would cut into my vacation time anyway.

i miss pee wee's playhouse.

more specifically, i miss jambi. i miss mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-hiney-hoing around the living room, dining room, backyard, and bedroom. (which is not to say i don't miss mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-jambi-hoing. i just hineyed before i jambied, since that's the way jambi did it, and what was good enough for a blue head in a box was certainly good enough for me.)

even at a young age (the show ran from 1986 until the "incident" in 1991, which means i was 8 when the show started its run and 13 when it ended), i harbored a crush on jambi.....sort of like the one i had on jareth, the goblin king (david bowie, of course) at roughly the same time.

perhaps it was because he was blue.

perhaps it was because he was highly portable. (i mean, come on, the guy lived in a box, for goodness sake)

perhaps it was because he was one of pee wee's least annoying friends.

surely, mama was thrilled when sibling and i discovered pee wee's playhouse. i mean, what was not to love? the squeals of her daughters each time the word of the day was mentioned? the aforementioned mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-hiney-hoing all over the place? not to mention our attempts to dance to "tequila"- though it must be mentioned that we knew better than to jump up on any of her tables to dance.......at least while our parents were around, that is.

we were heartbroken when pee wee was pulled off the air. no more words of the day. no more cowboy curtis. no more mail lady (so that's why that chick on law & order looked familiar.....) most importantly, no more jambi.

it seems i'm not the only one feeling nostalgic. after an hour and a half of digging around on youtube (i really should cut down....maybe not go cold turkey, but i gotta stop getting sucked into that website.), i found these:



how could i possibly have forgotten the balloon thing? that never gets old.

sort of like pee wee himself.