Saturday, February 17, 2007

was it good for you, ticketmaster?

i never claimed to be any sort of math whiz, but i'm really having a hard time figuring out how my three fall out boy tickets (roughly $35 each) somehow wound up costing me $145.

i do not recall being kissed first.

nor do i recall being presented with a thoughtful card or flowers.

however, just like 75% of the teenage female population, i would not object if pete wentz were to take care of one or both of these deficiencies personally.

could write more- it's been an eventful week- but tonight, that is all.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

if you want to, baby here i am

(not an offer- just a line from a prince song. unless you're val kilmer or matthew mcconaughey, of course.)

i'm not quite sure why i have the little purple pixie on my mind tonight, but there ya go. actually, i take that back. i'd set out to write about romance this evening (given that tomorrow is valentine's day and whatnot), and naturally prince is the first person who comes to mind when you hear the word "romance". *

so, somehow i went from thinking deep thoughts, like:

"know what's wrong with the alphabet? u and i aren't closer together."

"i may not be fred flintstone, but i'd sure like to make your bedrock."

"your daddy must be a terrorist, because you're the bomb!"**

to equally deep thoughts like:

"i'll only call you after if you say i can."

"she wore a raspberry beret."

"the kind you want your mama to meet....she's a peach."

naturally, i've completely lost my train of thought (now there's a first!), and cannot possibly think of any more witty, charming pickup lines that may potentially keep you from being alone this valentine's day. so, i'm leaving the task to you. what are some of your favorite pickup lines? some of the cheesiest? some that actually led to someone else's clothing winding up on your floor?




*interestingly enough, he's also the first person who comes to mind when i hear the phrase "assless chaps", despite my never actually seeing that particular sight....sort of like a certain superbowl where everyone else in america got a good look at janet jackson's boob. to this day, i still have yet to catch up. i'm told these things happen when one leads a sheltered life.

**yeah- not so funny least john ashcroft didn't think so, anyway.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

hey- wanna look at my butt?

there are very few things i dislike more than shopping for jeans.

that said, it became crystal clear last weekend that i'd have to bite the bullet, take SO up on his offer of new jeans for xmas (we're a little behind- what can i say?) and suffer through an unending quest for jeans that

1. had a tag that said "polo" somewhere on them
2. came in my size
3. made my butt look fabulous
4. didn't end approximately six inches after i do

i realize this is not a simple mission- hence the dread with which i am filled each time i look in the closet and realize that 90% of my jeans have holes that enable passersby on the street to determine not only if i'm wearing underwear but also the exact cut of said underwear (if applicable), and the other 10% of my jeans don't fit and/or have some bizarre stain on them from approximately ten years ago. (what can i say? i'm holding out for some new miraculous cleaning agent from the makers of oxiclean....or maybe i'm just too damned cheap to throw out otherwise perfectly good clothing.)

after the tragic death of my next-to-last decent pair of jeans last weekend (it was very dramatic- i swear i heard the individual threads crying as they gave way when i crossed my legs), followed by wearing the last decent pair an unprecedented four days in a row without washing this week, i dragged SO out to the mall last night for my roughly annual jean-shopping mission. (i tried to make it sound as pleasant as possible- "hey honey- wanna look at my butt in public? no? what if i let you stop for a few minutes in front of every television we pass that's set to a sports channel?")

two stores, one hour, and four changes later, we walked out of macy's with two "well, they're not perfect, but i really need something to cover my butt with tomorrow and they're on sale for half price" new pairs, which was astounding enough, since my jeans seem to be getting harder to come by, and on the rare occassions when a store actually admits to having polo jeans, they're usually left with sizes for girls who are a wee bit more robust than i.

i am thrilled to report that my morning treadmill sessions seem to be paying off, as i could finally stuff my thighs into jeans that weren't "relaxed" without looking like an overstuffed least that's what SO said, anyway, though i'm using the term "said" loosely, as it was more like a grunt while watching espn classic on one of the televisions outside the dressing room at macy's.

since things went so well last night, i thought about dragging him over to the swimsuit display, but figured i'd probably be better off not pushing my luck- especially since there weren't any televisions in the area playing anything other than what appeared to be amish music videos.

Monday, February 05, 2007

can't get you outta my head....

for once, i actually have time to write a post during the week, and while i was inspired approximately 2 1/2 hours ago, now i can't remember a single thing i was going to write about.


so, instead of something funny, or meaningful, or maybe even both, here's a sample of some of what came up while my ipod shuffled today:

"big dictionary"- faster pussycat (i'd forgotten how much i liked this song.)

"what u do 2 me"- boomkat (see? prince isn't the only 1 2 use numbers 4 words)

"my own way"- duran duran

"brick house"- the commodores (because i am, dammit!)

"close to you"- the cure (closest, not closer mix. i can't get the other one to load properly, for some reason)

"shake your love"- debbie gibson (stop laughing. "out of the blue" was the first tape i bought with my own money.)

"high enough"- damn yankees (just when i finally had that one out of my head)

"teen angst"- cracker (because what the world needs now is a new frank sinatra....)

"horny toad"- prince

"every monday"- the marvelous 3 (just ordered another of their cds this weekend. how do i love butch walker? let me count the ways.....)

"lovefool"- the cardigans (perhaps i should raid amazon for one of their cds...just as soon as the batch i just ordered arrives.)

"fuego"- bond

oh- and noticed this morning while on the treadmill that my earbuds seem to be dying already. as you might imagine, i am not thrilled by this latest development.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

and now, a word from our sponsor......

.....first off, let me start by thanking whichever random coworker left a whole roll of tropical lifesavers outside the studio i'm sitting in at the moment. while i'd like to chalk it up to simple goodwill, part of me (my left knee, to be exact) suspects it was more a case of "dammit! i hit the wrong button. i wanted mentos.....don't want these to go to waste, though....."
but hey- thanks anyway. i will, however, leave the coconut lifesavers behind for someone else....blech.

i can't remember whether or not i mentioned yesterday that i'm doing the overnight babysitting thing again. (and yes, at 11pm on a sunday evening, i am actually too lazy to pull up my last post just to check. go ahead- call me a slacker.) the pay's excellent, the kids well-behaved, and the fridge nicely stocked with a variety of cheese and salsa*.

however, there is one interesting problem. (well, maybe not a problem, really. i mean, i should be flattered that a male finds me so irresistible...)

it seems that the resident dog (one of those little rat-looking dogs that jumps and squeaks a lot) is trying to court my left leg- and by "court" i mean it in the most modern sense, as in he tries to lick it once before mounting it.

i've tried telling him that my leg's not his type. i've told him he's too young for my leg. i've told him that the goldendoodle at work has already wooed my leg. this squeaky little jumping bean is unfazed by these arguements. furthermore, i've noticed that he clearly prefers my left leg to my right one, which almost makes me feel.....lopsided for some reason...especially since i always thought my right side was my good side.

so far, the romance hasn't gotten too far out of hand...err....leg. however, i'm sure that the morning after the first night i leave the bedroom door unlocked, i'm going to discover that my leg is pregnant. not only would this be upsetting, but also a bit disappointing, since i sincerely doubt the dog will feel the need to reenact that old lifesavers ad where the little boy asks the little girl to marry him and gives her a lifesaver as a ring. then again, in this case, i suppose i'd have to demand a lifesaver anklet.

*and some other stuff, but i'm just dealing with the necessities here.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

sounds like "whoa"?

i'm feeling listful today (as in "full of lists", not "the opposite of listless")- don't bother looking it up- it's a word i think i just invented. perhaps it'll make it into the dictionary after "bootylicious"....timewise, not alphabetically, of course.

you know, i had a dream last night where i said something about how i was babbling and needed to go to bed. still feeling pretty much the same way, but they won't let me bring my futon to the rado station. i suppose it's just as well, as the futon itself has been buried under a pile of stuffed animals (i'll admit it. wanna make somethin' of it?) and possibly my lost sock collection (i'm a little afraid to look) since roughly around the time we last had a democratic president.

but i'm rambling....about rambling, no less. go figure.

so, that list i was talking about:

1. if ted nugent, jack blades, tommy shaw, and that fourth guy whose name i can never remember don't get out of my head soon, it might not be very pretty around here. seriously, how many times do i need to hear "don't stay the night, say you're gonna stay forever, whoa whoa whoa, something that sounds like whoa......." in my noggin? i mean, it's not as bad as the time i had the grease megamix stuck in there (i almost took up drinking over that one, just so i'd be too busy trying to keep words from flying out of my mouth to think about summer lovin'), but it's a close call.

2. since my plan to go to bermuda in march has been thwarted, i need to come up with a new destination.....and figure out when i'm going to skip town again. is there ever a good time to visit washington and oregon? might as well try to get them knocked off my list this year.

3. in the meantime, i'm working like a fiend. bring on the extra hours...and the overnight babysitting, when possible. nothing like getting paid to sleep in someone else's bed. at the rate i'm going, this month's CD (i'm trying to buy one a month, so if i have an "oh shit" moment somewhere down the road, i'll be able to get back out of it without going bankrupt.) could be $2000, twice what i'd planned on getting.

4. just realized i have a zit where my right earlobe meets my jaw. how the heck did that happen? i think it's just there to annoy me....sort of like all my other zits.

5. another concert in less than a week- john mayer, this time. perhaps i'll get dressed up and look like a girl for the show. perhaps i'll be lazy and just wear jeans. perhaps i should consult the monstrously large growth under my earlobe. i swear, this thing has an actual pulse. think i'll name it steve.

6. five christmas cards to go...not counting the ones that have been returned. i should just bring the whole pile to work with me tomorrow and send the letter out via email. i hate to lose the personal touch, but i also hate that i'm now a month and a half late....though, as shaun likes to say: "better late than pregnant".

7. you may have heard that we were supposed to get snow this past thursday. we did- for a whopping five minutes, before it turned to rain. i thought about going outside and making mud angels, but decided that it might be too much of a pain in my butt to try to get the mudstains back out of my clothes, and doing it naked was out, since i seriously doubt any of my neighbors want to see me naked, even though....

8. .....i've been consistenly working out for almost a month now. my bikini butt still isn't jaw-droppingly awesome, but i don't need it to be for another month. i'll be heading to the tennis courts after work today, and i'm currently contemplating hopping on the treadmill in our state of the art "fitness center"- which, i am thrilled to report, has finally been sort of walled off, so not everyone with an office in the area will have to suffer through the odiferous effects of a good workout.

9. this wintry weather (stop laughing- it's been in the 50s around here lately!) is tearing my hands up. i've been living on lotion lately, and i still don't want to hold anyone's hand, for fear they'll notice all the cuts on mine (dry, cracking skin is tres sexy, non?), and run away shrieking, as if i had leprosy, or some such equally funky ailment.(not that shaun is currently willing to hold my hand anyway, since i snicker every time he shivers and complains about the cold (on sixty degree days!).

10. finally found time for a date with shaun this week. "smokin' aces" was really good, though i still prefer that jeremy piven classic, "pcu"....which, incidentally, makes me think of "pump it up" by elvis costello*, which happens to be my favorite song in his repertoire, which is a vast improverment over jack blades endlessly begging me to stay with him forever.

*i hate to admit it, but i had no clue what that song was actually about until about a year ago......sort of like what happened with "dancing with myself", which happens to be one of my favorite billy idol songs. does this make me a pervert?