Monday, October 31, 2005

only 2 1/2 hours left.....

you know, were i at home, i could pop in the crow, and finish it before november 1st.

but i'm not.

so, instead, i'm pounding out the post i promised you this morning- in between pop-ups about the eminent demise of this computer, as it is living dangerously and having unprotected cybersex and probably already has about twelve internet stds.

make that thirteen.

halloween was blissfully calm this year. i mean, sure, i'm always up for a bit of mischief, but this year, i limited it to playing "the time warp" around midnight. (i was on from midnight-2 a.m. this morning.)

last year was a different story, for a couple of reasons:

reason the first: this is the only state i've lived in where halloween landing on a sunday sends folks into a tizzy. i thought missouri was the buckle of the bible belt, but oh-ho-ho, was i wrong. (i was too caught up in the whole "two hours from the mountains, two hours from the beach" thing to notice that south carolina makes missouri look like a bastian of atheism.)i clearly recall the phones being lit up that entire weekend, as folks sorted out whether or not to "hand sunday evening over to the devil". as a result, some counties held trick-or-treating on saturday, and the rest did it on halloween. (why didn't this ever happen when i was a kid? twice the time spent in a costume, twice the candy, twice the suger high....)
believe it or not, there were a few phone calls at the station this past weekend. i tried my hardest not to laugh at the folks who wondered whether kids would trick or treat on saturday or this evening. (a school night thing, maybe?)

*snickering* i can't leave the state yet- just think of all the book-worthy material i'm picking up out here. i need to start writing this stuff down somewhere.

anyway, where was i? oh yes,

reason the second: last year, at the old job, i actually got in trouble for giving my kids toys instead of candy.

(add that to the list with getting in trouble over a tankini, despite the fact that i am not a large girl, and the time i got in trouble for truthfully answering a question about my belief in god (or lack thereof), and maybe you'll begin to understand why i'm not entirely heartbroken over no longer having to drag myself to that workplace.)

but i digress again.

finally, reason the third: i don't know whether or not they produced them this year, but last year brought the introduction (as far as i know, anyway) of those inside-out reese's peanut butter cups. you know- the ones with the chocolate on the inside, and the peanut butter on the outside? while they may have seemed like a good idea at the time, for me personally, they didn't work out so very well.

remember that ad campaign where the tagline was something like "there's no wrong way to eat a reese's"? the print ad that comes to mind shows a poor, innocent peanut butter cup with two fang marks. (there was a whole series of ads, but that's the one that sticks out......)

anyway, reese's peanut butter cups are on the short list of foods i eat in odd ways, along with pickles, spaghetti o's, and doritoes. i gnaw off the edges, pry off the top and bottom chocolate circles, and then eat the peanut butter last. sadly, this did not work out well with the inside-out peanut butter cups, as the peanut butter is softer and not easily pried-off.

i'm guessing other folks had the same problem, as i haven't seen any of the inside-out reese's peanut butter cups recently.

sadly, i cannot say the same thing about these freaking popups.

first things first....

1. i love this freaking holiday. (not that you could've guessed that one)
2. freud loves me. (just click it....c'mon- do it for me.)
3. have you checked this out yet? no? well, what are you waiting for?

more later, when i'm hopped up on sugar.

just to show i care....'s a little halloween entertainment.

(look below for other ways to celebrate.)

Sunday, October 30, 2005

odds and ends


i just checked in with statcounter (trying to put together another edition of "you searched for what???" for later in the week), and i had over 100 visitors yesterday, thanks (at least in part) to "sentence saturday". wow. i owe a huge "thank you" to everyone who participated, especially spinning girl and jenny, who put up links to me on their sites.

so, needless to say, we'll open that can of worms again next week.

what can i post between now and then?

*i'm working on one of those "100 things" far, i'm up to 23.
*as i mentioned before, i've raided statcounter to begin constructing my next "you searched for what???" post
*i heard something today about a muppet reality show, which i could add to a post i drafted a while back about the muppets
*i'm overdue for some sort of side-splittingly hilarious anecdote......mostly because when i'm in the mood, i'm nowhere near a computer, and by the time i get to one, i've forgotten what it was i was going to post about.

so, in honor of my favorite holiday, which is rapidly approaching, how about a visit with the mistress of the dark?

here's some spooky stuff in an unexpected place.

more spooky stuff...but here it's antici..........pated.

one of my favorite halloween movies is the crow. want to know in which scene brandon lee was killed? (it's not the one i thought it was.)

on another note, here's the true halloween test:

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

finally, a few halloween quizzes, including one about my favorite amusement park ride. (i got a 60 on it, by the way.)

and on that note, happy devil's night, gang!

Saturday, October 29, 2005

tricks? treats? perhaps a little of both.

five halloweenish songs i love

1. "dead man's party" oingo boingo
2. "thriller" michael jackson (with the smooth vocal stylings of vincent price)
3. "the time warp" rocky horror picture show
4. "the werewolves of london" warren zevon
5. "the monster mash" bobby "boris" pickett and the crypt-kickers

my ten favorite halloweenish movies/shows

1. the crow
2. tales from the crypt (especially the adam ant and brad pitt episodes)
3. tales from the crypt: demon knight (billy, oh man)
4. rocky horror picture show
5. the addams family
6. elvira: mistress of the dark
7. the nightmare before christmas
8. frankenstein: the colloege years (bet you thought i'd forgotten about that one, daddy)
9. beetlejuice
10. van helsing

ten treats i want in my bucket this halloween

1. quarters (i'd much rather have those than candy. halloween when i was little was like hitting the freaking jackpot!)
2. milky ways
3. three musketeers
4. those little half-chocolate/half-peanut butter disks wrapped to look like little pumpkins
5. sweet tarts
6. mini caramellos (rolos would be acceptable, too)
7. nestle crunch bars
8. reese's peanut butter cups
9. kit kats
10. reese's pieces

five "treats" i don't want anywhere near my bucket this halloween

1. mary janes
2. those little orange and black wrapped caramel-type things that taste like....i don't even know how to describe their nastiness.
3. candy corn (and i don't like the red/pink/white candy corn they pass out for valentine's day, either.)
4. tootsie rolls
5. those nasty little wrapped bubble gums that were too sugary for the first thirty seconds, then tasted like silly putty for the next thirty seconds, before i finally wised up and spit them out. dubble bubble- i think that's the name. don't give me any of those- they're gross.

the torch has been passed...

bricotrout has asked me to keep sentence saturday going during his sabbatical. so, here goes....

for those of you unfamiliar with the concept, i'll start you off with a made-up word. your job: use the word in a sentence, then put up a new made-up word for the next person to use.

the first word this week is portupus

Friday, October 28, 2005

elvira? no, really.

this morning's workout buddies: the b-52s.
yesterday's pick: arcade (it's okay, i don't think you've heard of them, either.)

i'm allowing myself an hour tonight to play with less, because i want to work on one of those "100 things" lists (i've had ideas rolling around in my head all day), but no more, because then i'll be a zombie when the time comes to roll out of bed and head to the radio station in the morning.

so, hi. glad to see you made it over here.

it was a thought-provoking sort of day, both because of the upcoming list, and for other reasons. it's funny how observing other folks can make you all reflective and stuff. (not reflective like being covered in that special tape they sell for little kids to slap onto their halloween costumes so they don't become little hood ornaments, but you know what i mean.)

but, that's for the journal (time permitting), not for this very public sort of blog.

instead, i have a list of another sort for you....

ten things i love about halloween

1. free candy! (more of a concern when i was younger, but i do enjoy the occasional milky way or three musketeers)
2. everyone wears masks- this is the one time of year when we can actually admit that fact.
3. it's also the one time of year that it's "socially acceptable" to dye my hair something vibrant, because i can claim it's part of the costume. (no, i haven't done it, but that doesn't mean i won't.)
4. elvira makes her yearly appearance (unless you have the "mistress of the dark" dvd, of course)
5. the simpsons' halloween special- though i don't think i've managed to catch one yet.
6. those little half chocolate/half peanut butter candies made by palmer (i can't for the life of me remember the name of those darned things) that are wrapped in foil to look like jack o'lanterns. those things friggin' rock.
7. thriller. (the part where michael turns into a werewolf still freaks me out, though.)
8. halloween reminds me of the haunted mansion, which is my favorite amusement park ride, anywhere.
9. glow in the dark accessories more readily available
10. haunted houses.....both the haunted school in woodlawn, maryland, where sibling and i grew up, and the haunted houses in "the bottoms" in kansas city, where we went to high school. (not that we went to school in the haunted houses, but you know what i mean.)

perhaps i'll stay up a little later after all- i've got the adam ant "tales from the crypt" episode around here somewhere......

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

in the tradition of bricotrout....

reasons for not blogging much lately....

1. the i love the 80's series....damn vh1 for playing them back-to-back.
2. peddling avon- mascara doesn't just sell itself, you know.
3. mourning the loss of my upcoming thanksgiving vacation.
4. halloween's next week, and i'm trying to figure out what to wear.
5. according to xm radio in the car (uh, not mine) today, icehouse sang "electric blue", but i could have sworn it was john parr or lou gramm....the cd's at home somewhere....either way, i seriously doubt icehouse was responsible.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

you searched for what??? (part eleven)

yes, readers, it's time once again to consult statcounter and share with you another piles of the oddest searches that'll bring you here......

mmmm poutine

predictably, this was a canadian search.
less predictably, i came up second- beaten by some blogger preaching the glories of quebecois poutine, which i have yet to try.

jenna cokehead

hmmm...i know several jennas, but as far as i know, there aren't any cokeheads in the bunch.

foolproof band pictures

i'm the seventh result for this search, yet somehow i doubt this surfer found what they needed here.

Mysterio blogspot

see that, nathan? someone used me to find you....or is it the other way around. either way, i'm honored to be part of it all.

ghetto hoochies

you do not want to know what most of the other results consisted of, but let's just say it appears this was the only option without some sort of charge on your credit card.

speaking of hoochies, i'm number 12 for tawny kitean nude.

(however, had i spelled her name properly in my post, i wouldn't even come up, as there are an awful lot of "adult" results that would drown our my poor little blog.)

on a more pg-rated note, i've moved up to number 6 on google for SUMO WEDGIE

keith haring messenger bag- barking dog

first, the good news: i'm the top result for this search.
then, the bad news: i don't know if my fellow keith haring fans have heard about this, but it seems the pop shop has closed its doors.

dammit- now where will i do my christmas shopping?

schmidt's gay

once again, i have jamwall to blame for this one.

mr. T's last name

this search has been popular i'll give in and tell you.

mr. t's real name is....

....check this out while i dig up the proper spelling of his last name, ok?

......laurence tureaud

there- you finally got it out of me. i hope you're happy now.

what was michael hutchence favorite drink

i'm pleased to report i'm the third result for this search- and the top result without "michael hutchence" in my url.

unfortunately, i don't know the answer.

speaking of drinking,according to statcounter, i recently came up as a result for

cure for drunk hiccups. (i scrolled and scrolled, but couldn't find myself. however, statcounter wouldn't lie to me.....would it?)

so, you're drunk and hiccupping, yet able to type coherently?


i can't type coherently sober half the time.

how cAn you tell a jammed toe from a broken toe

sorry, buddy- i'm not quite sure either. i thought my toe was merely jammed, yet there's still a dull ache. so, when you find out the difference, drop me a line....especially since i don't see myself heading to the doctor in the immediate future.

however, i do need to head off to work.

Monday, October 24, 2005

my name is duff....

...and i'm up way past my bedtime.

however, the halloween cards have been scribbled, i've caught up birthdays through the end of august (hey, it's a start), my name, phone number and whatnot are scribbled on my avon brochures, and since i'm staying late to hog a little more airtime, i'll have time to start entering the new order.

what's that leave on my list? housecleaning and box packing?

ah well- might as well have something to look forward to next weekend.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

out to lunch- back soon

i'm working on the list right now, but rest assured i'll be on later to share with you my thoughts on why there should be limits to how late young children should be allowed in restaurants.

had it not been so tasty, yet pricey, i would have tested out the aerodynamic capabilities of part of my godzilla roll.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

odds and ends....

"can i take a nap in your uterus?"

i'm not quite sure why that phrase just came to mind, but a friend of mine used it fairly regularly in high school.

however, this won't be one of those "memory" posts- i'm not awake enough to do it justice. (i have got to start getting more sleep.)

i've been slacking off lately. i find myself saying, "i really need to _________ this weekend", and then i wind up piddling my time away and having nothing to show for it. (i take that back- this blog caught the attention of at least 50 people every day this week- which i suppose i can take a small amount of credit for.)

however, this week, i managed to activate my new credit card (i was holding off until i got the previous card paid off), which i am carefully resisting the urge to use to purchase another pair of these bouncy adidas that i'm currently sporting.

i also...uh....well, i did a few loads of laundry, spent an evening cooking, gave a friend a much-needed break so she wouldn't fall off the wagon, and made it to the treadmill once.

ten things i really need to do this weekend

1. get caught up on birthday cards. i mean, i haven't written any since the end of july. this is getting embarrassing.)

2. start entering in the next avon maybe i won't be up till 4 a.m. again this wednesday.

3. go to the toy store and buy a few more gnomads, so i can

4. put together packages for friends whose birthdays i missed have not recognized yet.

5. which reminds me- i need to update both my photo blog and bodhi's blog, since i've got two celebrity pictures to upload, as well as an hnt shot and the rest of my daily photos from this past week.

6. scribble on avon catalogs, so maybe i can get them passed out before the new order goes in.

7. read the magazines i've been dragging around in my bag for the past month.

8. shovel out my room

9. sleep....i'm on auto-pilot today

10. make salsa

(perhaps i'll post a photo of each as it gets accomplished....then again, that would make 11 things on my list.)

while i work on that pile o' stuff, here are a few things to keep you occupied:

*it's sentence saturday over at bricotrout's blog.

*freud will be available to answer your burning questions later on today.

*blog jesus is also available to answer your queries, though i believe he's spending his weekend tracking hurricane wilma.

*this made me laugh so hard that soda went up my nose.

*see? i'm not the only one to come up on weird searches.

*this is a neat concept that could really use your support.

*your chariot looks like a mustang cobra compared to some of these.

*if you click nothing else, at least check this out.

time to get crackin'......

Friday, October 21, 2005

my day (cliffs notes version)

my day started off with quality time on the treadmill with angie aparo and ended with extra hours at the radio station. in the middle, there was a chance meeting with someone i hadn't seen in awhile, work (not a problem- very low-stress, and i learned that eddie murphy had a song besides "party all the time"- something like "boogie in your butt". (isn't it interesting that he had a song with that sort of title, considering the rumors behind his pending divorce?)) and a wild goose chase involving some maddening traffic.

however, since i refrain from swearing in the presence of little people, (kids, not leprechauns) i was able to yell "nincompoop" at the top of my lungs, which felt surprisingly good.

try it.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

the comeback kid

stolen from lbseahag:

10 things i wish would make a comeback

1. doc martens in odd colors/fabrics/patterns
2. the muppet show
3. jem dolls- i always wanted the one with blue hair. (i think aja was her name.)
4. michael hutchence
5. square one (the late 80's math show on pbs)
6. low airfares
7. absolut vodka ads
8. electric youth fragrance- i'm running a little low.
9. airwalks in unusual fabrics
10. dr. ruth

oh, and while i'm borrowing from other websites, i found this one over at rose colored beer goggles:

You are

and on that note, i'm heading for bed early. (hnt should be up saturday, if not earlier, if you're into all that.)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

you searched for what??? (part ten)

yes, readers, it's time once again to browse through my statcounter account and share with you some of the truly odd ways you managed to find my blog. (mike davis will be thrilled.)

our first offering this week comes to us from a surfer in ohio who wanted information on (one presumes) one of his/her favorite artists:

Andy Gibb concert

interesting coincidence: the number one song the week i was born was "shadow dancing", by andy gibb.

"jennifer love hewitt" real "Rolling Stone" "size since"

yes, folks- all of this was in a single search.

obviously, i was the top result for this one.....obviously

"don't change" inxs butch walker

i'd love to get my hands on that cover.

pictures of matrix haircolors

are we searching for haircolors from the film? haven't seen it.

now, if we're searching for haircolors in general, i can probably come up with something for you......

famous people who wore braces

while i'm honored to be among the top 20 results for this search, i must point out that i'm not famous.....yet.
....but don't let that stop you from reading....that way, you can say you knew me way back when. (i won't let it go to my head, i promise.)

urinating in public ticket cost in kansas

i'm more than a little concerned about this one, for several reasons:

1. has this searcher from shawnee mission, kansas, already done the deed, or is he/she merely planning ahead?

2. next time i'm in kansas (it happens, on occasion), i will have to make a special effort not to step in any puddles, lest they be more than just water.

3. how on earth did i come up at the sixth result for this search, between "illegal to be homeless" and an article on "felon disenfranchisement"?

random facts about canadians

you came to me for this sort of thing? okay- i'm sure i'll get a beating from my canadian blogger buddies for displaying my american ignorance, but here are a few tidbits:

1. hockey is to canadians what football is to americans.
2. poutine: a canadian taste sensation, featuring french fries, gravy, cheese, and occasionally a bit of onion.

that's enough of that. (after all, i don't want to divulge everything i know.)

tawny kitaen pictures

because of another of my interesting typos, i'm 20th on msn for tawny kitean photos. (perhaps if i'd spelled her name properly, i would have ranked higher.)

Gunther + tralala

i have jamwall to blame thank for this one. repeatedly.

"jump in leaves" joke

is there a chicken involved? a nun? a priest? all of the above?

"little richard is gay"

maybe i wasn't the last to find out about this, after all.

in other news, i seem to have risen to #10 on msn for "chick fighting".

(is this a good thing?)

finally, one that includes not one, not two, but three of my favorite people: (Centre De Ressources Informatique (cri))

Ile-de-france, Paris, France, 0 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
19th October 2005 10:03:22 AM Hutchence Ian Astbury val kilmer&btnG=Recherche Google&meta=

this is why i love this stuff. someone in france searched for my favorite actor, plus the lead singer of my favorite band, as well as the lead singer of one of my other favorite bands. even more exciting, i can let my pop culture nerdiness show and connect all three.


in the movie "the doors", val kilmer played jim morrison. however, michael hutchence was also seriously considered for the role. ian astbury contributed to the doors tribute album (doors covers? same difference), and became a member of the "reincarnated" doors (officially "the doors of the 21st century"), in 2002.

and with that, it's time for me to hit "publish". little sister needs some help studying.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

duff vs. the phone company

i should take photos so i can post visual aids for this story, but for once, i'd like to make it to bed before 1 a.m., though at the rate i'm going, it may be close.

so, put your telephone next to your monitor, and we'll call it close enough, okay?

i got home this evening and, as usual, checked my caller i'd to see if i had any new calls. as soon as i finished deleting out the mysterious toll free number that's been showing up 3 and 4 times a day for the past two weeks, the phone rang. it looked like i was about to find out the identity of my mystery caller.

at first, there was silence at the other end. i thought to myself "what kind of prank call is this? there should at least be some heavy breathing or something."

i should be so lucky.

after the live body at the other end realized that the computer that'd dialed my number had actually caught me, and not my answering machine, she cleared her throat, and in a very thick accent said, "hello. miss p-----?"


"hello. my name is jessica...." ( accent that thick, and you're trying to convince me that you're just another "all american girl"? come on lady, i've read the articles about outsourcing telemarketing calls to india...but hey- i suppose i can play along if it makes you feel better....)

"....and i am calling on behalf of bell south."


"and we have scheduled you for installation of bell south fast access dsl."

what the hell? i'm quite happy with my supremely cheap dial-up. furthermore, the other computer in the house just got wired for high-speed internet this afternoon, so if i really yearned for the bells and whistles, i'd be on there instead of my windows-95 running relic.

"excuse me? i didn't order fast access dsl."

please- that last time i called the phone company was when i let them know i was moving to the apartment across the hall- nearly three years ago.

"excuse me? i cannot understand what you're saying."

"what do you mean you don't understand? you don't understand the words, or you don't understand how anyone could possibly pass up this opportunity to pay you more money for a service i neither want nor need? just what is it that you don't understand?"

(okay, okay- i didn't say it, but if she had telepathy, she most certainly would have heard it. what came out of my mouth instead were a few repetitions of "i did not order fast access dsl.")

"ma'am, do you have some kind of internet in your home?"

"yes, i do, and i am not interested in fast access dsl."

"what kind of internet do you have, ma'am?"

"i am quite happy with my internet situation."

long pause. (apparently, she's not used to this sort of resistance. quite frankly, i think i was being more than polite by actually speaking to her, rather than slamming down the phone (can you do that with a cordless?) as soon as she introduced herself.)

"okay. well, have a good evening, ma'am."

(at least i think that's what she said- it was mumbled, like a cry from a wounded dog.)

since when does the phone company get away with assuming that i want their latest unbelievable offer? aaargh.

Monday, October 17, 2005

9,000 words (theoretically)

so there i was last weekend, poking around other people's blogs, looking for inspiration. i ran across the following about three different times, and i figure i might as well jump on the bandwagon (i know, i know- just this once.)

step one: go to google, and click on "images"
step two: enter each of the following into the search bar
step three: post the first picture (or a favorite) that comes up

1. where you grew up

hey! that's my library!

2. where you live now

(the city has since been rebuilt, of course)

3. your name

legally, it's this:

but i prefer to be called this:

(no capitals, please)

4. your grandmother's name

here's one:

here's another:

here's another:

and here's the fourth:

5. your favorite food

6. your favorite drink

7. your favorite song

8. your favorite smell

9. your favorite sound

i think i'm supposed to tag some folks, too.

1. kal got all sorts of excited the last time i tagged him.
2. sibling would have a field day with this
3. and i'd love to see what'll get posted on jurgen nation

anyone else interested?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

slow? do you think i'm slow, buddy?

last night, as i raced off to babysitting, i noticed my car was running low on gas. (this is nothing new- i generally wait until the needle's firmly on "e" before i give in and pump the equivalent of two cds into my gas tank.) since i was already running a bit late, again, nothing new, i didn't have time to fill up on the way. i had enough gas to get me to my destination, but the return trip was going to be iffy.

which is how i wound up driving home at 1:30 in the morning chanting "just one more mile, just one more mile, just one more mile....". (and you thought i was merely singing along to the wang chung song on the radio. HA! had you fooled.....although that chant does fit nicely with the beat of "dance hall days")

my route home took me past one of the cheapest gas stations in town ($2.68/gallon, as compared to the $2.91/gallon around the corner from my apartment complex), and my needle was past "e", so i figured it would be wise to stop.

now, pay at the pump is a fine and baeutiful thing, but only if you happen to be holding plastic....which i wasn't. (i just finished paying off my credit card for the first time since college, and i haven't activated the new card yet.) fortunately, for once i had some cash with me (thanks to babysitting).....well, it would have been fortunate had i been able to actually use it.

the subject of my current ire: the unhelpful gas station employee who wouldn't sell me gas at one frickin' thirty in the morning.

yeah- you read that right- gas. not beer, wine, or hard liquor, as the guy in front of me was foolishly trying to purchase on a sunday (blue laws are alive and well in south carolina, folks)- but freaking gas!!!!

even worse was his excuse:
"the pumps are too slow."

excuse me, buddy, but i don't care if your pumps are slow. my car's going to be really slow- like to the point of not able to move unassisted- if i don't get some gas into it. so, i think i can put up with a "slow pump", because even if it takes and hour to pump a measly ten gallons into my tank, that still beats triple a's response time when i have to call them for a tow because i ran out of gas because you wouldn't let me get gas because your pump was "too slow". (oh, the searches i'm going to wind up on now...."sump pumps", here i come....and i'm sure that's the cleanest i can hope for.)

then, to make matters even worse, this goober looks over the counter at me and says, "i'm sorry, but what can i do?"

let me tell you what you can do:

take your head out of your ass and let me buy some freaking gas so i don't wind up stranded on the side of the road in what inevitably will be the absolute worst part of town at one frickin' thirty in the morning, where i will probably get abducted and taken away to the big city where i'll wind up pimped out just to earn my abductors enough cash to support their various drug habits because, let's face it, to some cokehead, i probably look like i'm some naive high school student, and therefore an easy target, and then i'll wind up on one of those annoying little cards they stick in the mail where my photo is side by side with my abductor's, which is realyl quite pointless because who actually looks at those cards anyway? NO ONE, because, like me, just about everyone tosses it into the recycle pile without really looking at it to see if maybe one of the people pictured is their next door neighbor or cousin or something because, quite frankly, the ten seconds it would take to actually read the thing are far better spent leafing through the new frederick's of hollywood catalog that arrived in today's mail and hey, wait a minute- does that new push-up bra come in my size?

but i digress....and all because you wouldn't sell me gas because your pump was "slow".

somehow, i doubt the pump was the problem.....which is why i walked back to my car, turned the key, and chanted my way to the hess station half a mile down the road.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


i didn't fall off the face of the earth- just decided sleep was more important than firing up the ol' computer the past couple of days. interestingly enough, i had the highest number of visitors on thursday, when i had nothing new to say. go figure.

ten things i've learned in the past week

1. it is possible to write an entire post on grocery shopping and forget to include the inspiration for the post....has anyone else noticed the lack of free toys in cereal boxes? how come they make you send away for the toys? wtf is that about?

2. "dandy highwaymen" would make a great name for a band. (i'm sure there's already an adam ant cover band who took this idea and ran with it.)

by the way, does anyone know which 90s music group covered "stand and deliver" on their breakthrough album?

3. "easy lover" is credited to philip bailey, not phil collins. (who knew?)

4. even with a head start, i can't get my hnt picture posted on time.

5. need to change bathroom fixtures? thanks to this week's crash course, i'm your girl.

6. the girl down in apartment 515 is a screamer with a talented significant other.

7. the dj on before me on saturday mornings is hard of hearing. (note to self: always check volume before putting on headphones.)

8. "my name is earl" is pretty freaking funny.

9. adding a brand new maroon blanket to a random load of laundry- just to make the load "worthwhile"- is never a good idea. (just trust me on this one, okay?)

10. clorox bleach pens are fine and beautiful things. (no- that's not how i fixed the pink laundry....i swear.)

i'm working all weekend (between rounds of sentence saturday, of course), so chances are good that this won't be the last you hear from me today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

the hunter-gatherer has returned!

that would refer to me, which i know is not how it traditionally goes, but SO can't pick out produce to save his life (he'll freely admit it- just ask him), so when we need veggies, i'm the one schlepping the card around kroger.

and schlep, i did.

our last trip to the grocery store was a good 2 or 3 months ago, mostly because my schedule was so busy that i wasn't getting home until 11 (or later) at night, and who wants to cook at 11 at night? (disregard the fact that i'm cooking now- i'm multitasking, as i'm trying to scribble down avon orders and talk on the phone while cooking. i'm on "blog break" right now.....or something like that.)

anyway, it's been a while since i last made it to the store, but my schedule has since changed (ahem- for the better), and i have time to cook again, which means maybe i can wean SO off of his steady diet of fried crap, which has contributed to his ever-expanding waistline.

after several near-collisions with the driver who couldn't settle on a parking space (for one frightening moment, i though his big-ass truck was going to wind up next to mine....but then he saw a handicapped space more suited to his special needs), i grabbed a cart out of the parking lot (yep- i'm one of those people), and headed in toward fruits and veggies and other healthy delights to please the palate. kroger added an "exotic" fruits and vegetables section to their produce department, and i have long awaited the day that i'd find some lonely pomegranate, begging to be taken home.

friends, today was that day. (and tomorrow will be the day i find out how many pomegranate seeds i can get stuck in my braces....but that's okay- i'm prepared, as i bought a spiffy new toothbrush which looks like a regular brush, yet vibrates. i figure this'll inspire me to brush my teeth enough to make the orthodontist happy, and therefore earn my colored bands back. oh- and this toothbrush is supposed to clear out plaque between my teeth even better than flossing does, which is great, because, quite frankly, the only time my teeth have ever been flossed is at the dentist, and i'm certainly not going to do it now that i have to use this flexible little plastic needle to thread the damned floss through the brackets.)

so anyway, i adopted a pomegranate, as well as a baby pineapple, the likes of which i'd never seen before, but it looked like a good size for a picture with bodhi.....perhaps we'll explore that the next time i go shopping.

i also bought artichokes (my favorite veggie, just in case you ever invite me over for dinner), snapn beans (steaming as we speak), broccoli (i have a great recipe that involves butter, lemon juice and horseradish- it and the broccoli are becoming fast friends in the fridge right now), grapes, avocados, tomoatoes (homemade guacamole, anyone?).....well, you get the picture.

seventy-six dollars later, i'm back at home, cooking up a storm (just in case i'm home too late tomorrow i'm procrastinating when it comes to this avon order), and running a load of dishes so i might be able to match up enough plasticware lids and bowls to be able to store all this stuff.

now if you'll excuse me, i have to create some sort of "nasty ol' experiment" (that's what my parents used to reply when we asked what was for dinner....i mean when the answer wasn't "food") involving chicken, canned soup, corn, and the mushrooms i just bought.....and maybe salsa, because, quite frankly, salsa makes everything better.

but i digress......

drunk again

now, now- before you think i started my weekend a little early, let me clarify my title a little.

1. i drink maybe once a year, at most.
(i don't drink when i have to work the next morning, which limits me to holidays and vacations.)

2. i'm still trying to live down the last time i overindulged.
(i learned last thanksgiving that i should not consume an entire bottle of wine in one sitting, as un-consuming that same wine is not. fun. at. all. ....and we're not even going to begin to discuss the elephant that was sitting on my head when i finally crawled out of bed the next morning.)

3. the strongest thing i have in the refrigerator is a bottle of cran-blueberry juice that's a few months past its "sell by date".

4. since turning 21, i have bought alcohol at the store a grand total of once- and that one time was for a potential future in-law this summer. were it not for that, my streak would still be going strong.

5. when sibling and i were little, every time we had the hiccups (i was usually the afflicted child), mama would ask, "drunk again?"

i had the hiccups six different times yesterday.

i had the hiccups while trying to fold laundry.

i had the hiccups while drinking orange juice. (nothing like a little acid in the nose.)

i had the hiccups while unscrewing drawer handles in the bathroom.

i had hiccups during three separate conversations with the same person.

it's a good thing i didn't start laughing about it. have you ever had that deadly laughing/hiccuping combination?

it happened to me once, when we drove to alabama when i was a young fashion cripple (not that i've fully recovered, but believe me, it's quite obvious by the pictures that i was dressing myself. maybe if you're really good, i'll get one or two scanned in and added to this post later.) to visit my courtesy aunt and uncle.

i can't remember where we were driving (the nasa facility near huntsville, i believe), but daddy, sibling, and i were in the car when the hiccups hit. for some reason, my diaphragm freaking out struck me as funny, and i started laughing.....which made me hiccup even more, which made me laugh even more, which made me hiccup even more, which made me laugh even more, which.........(you get the picture by now, right?) it took me a good 20 minutes to stop.

which is about how much time i've got left before i have to head out the door.........

Monday, October 10, 2005

you searched for what??? (part nine)

after a hard day's work, nothing is more de-stressing (or is it distressing than sitting down in front of statcounter and checking out the weird searches some of you folks conduct on yahoo, msn, and google:

a gallery of polish babes in short shorts

1. i'm not polish
2. i'm not very babelike.
3. you got me on the shorts.

the person behind this search couldn't believe their eyes- they found me twice in less than a minute. (i'm #16, by the way.)

I'm going to be a big Sister T-shirt's a little too late for me to know anything about this- unless mama has a secret she's been keeeping.

my birthday is next tuesday.

uhm....congratulations. i'm afraid your card will be a little late. (after all, i still haven't finished sending out my birthday cards for july.)

my sister hot friend

wait a minute- somebody searched for this? and i came up? somebody thinks i'm their sister's hot friend? that's awesome. can i put it on my resume?

Chick Fighting with bras and thongs

i'm not sure how it happened, but somehow i've managed to "win" the 23rd highest ranking for this search. (sorry- no photos will be sold on ebay, as i don't recall actualy doing any of the fighting.)

also, why is this search singular? is there only one chick fighting? how can you have a one-person fight? sounds like someone's got some issues, man.

rate my mini skirt

i'm number 11 for this msn search, courtesy of my little friend, the wnok station doll. (i own mini-skirts, but i think the lasst time i had one on was the last time my thighs were completely smooth, supple, and dimple-free.)

happy slap videos girl stripped in playground

huh? how on earth did i wind up the #2 result for this one?

furthermore, what on earth was this person trying to find? (i mean, besides the obvious, of course.)

Car Prank Video Ebaum old people mean

i'm not sure exactly what the searcher behind this query was going for, but i'm the first thing they found.

should i be proud of this?

mr. t's outfit

thanks to a post celebrating b.a. baracus' birthday, i was number two for this monday. (even more interesting is the fact that this search was conducted in kansas city, north carolina, iowa, texas, and l.a. in the space of twelve hours. did i miss something on the news about this? what's with the sudden fascination, folks?)

on a related note, there was also a search for Mr. T's last name on "A Team" on monday morning. (sadly, you have to pass over 6 other results for this search before you get to my page.)

and finally, one of the most interesting offerings from this latest crop of searches....

ice dancing europe grand

first off, do you think this searcher meant "grand prix"?
secondly, somehow i came up as #59 for this yahoo search, based on a month when i blogged about both the grand canyon and dancing. go figure.

i can't wait to see what you folks come up with next.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

crap- where's my earring?

back, by popular demand, the adventures of the radio station's doll that no one but me plays with:

when we last saw our heroine, she was walking into the sunset (well, as close to sunset as one sees in the mid-afternoon) with bodhi the gnomad, following her spot-on tawny kitaen imitation.

however, she's unprepared for this week's intended video re-enactment (devo's "whip it"), so instead, we find her catching up on her blogs.

"what's this? someone wants to see more pictures of me? well, you don't have to ask me twice!"

"wait a minute! something's earring! crap- i'm always losing an earring- maybe because there are no backs to my ears so these big ol' hoochie-earrings are just stuck in my head."

"hey, pancho- have you seen my earring?"

"hmm...maybe i left it in here the last time i powdered my nose."

"doesn't look like my earring fell down the drain."
"does anyone else feel a draft in here?"

"bodhi, what are you doing with my earring? you don't have any holes in your head."


not entertaining enough for you? we'll, then check out these offerings i borrowed from jo:

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

that'll give you something to entertain yourself with while i dig through statcounter's facts and figures in search of your oddest queries for tomorrow evening's post.......

Saturday, October 08, 2005

s-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night

i must be getting old. (shhh- don't tell my body, or my metabolism may slow down.)

i finished babysitting this evening around 11, and arrived home just before 11:30. back in college, i'd be heading out the door for the bar (and for the record, i only drank in a bar twice in college- not counting a hurricane at waldo's in new orleans when i went to mardi gras).

however, i haven't been to a bar/nightclub/meat market more than twice since moving to south carolina, and i can assure you both times were at least four years ago.

i have zero desire to go out. i mean, i was never one for drinking (and two blackouts in college pretty much cured me of any desire to drink i may have had...last thanksgiving excepted), and i don't really have a social circle out here to hang out at bars/clubs with, and i'm already taken, so its not like i feel the need to go out shopping for a warm body to make out with, either immediately or what's the point?

i don't even know what to wear anymore. i mean, i assume jeans are still okay (which reminds me- i really should invest in some new ones before the weather cools off to the point that i look silly running around in shorts and am left with very few options for covering the lower half of my body)....are those polyester black pants i wore in college still acceptable? hell- am i still skinny enough to pull off that look without being one of those girls others whisper about "pushing lycra to its limits". (okay, so maybe i'm the only one who whispers such things, but if you'd witnessed some of the folks sporting the "overstuffed sausage" look, you'd likely agree. being big is fine, but being a twelve and thinking you can wear a two is not.)

tennis shoes? check. heels? not so much....unless we're counting the black velevet ones i wore to one of those high school dances i went to without a date. (and no- i'm not referring to my prom, which i did not attend. in fact, my younger sibling went instead....and was allowed to stay out far later than my curfew....but we don't need to go there.)

i'm not in the mood to settle in in front of a movie. (plus, i'd have to move some boxes around in the living room to be able to see the tv, which would probably take more effort than it's worth.) it's a bit late to be calling folks, and if i did, i'm sure i'd interrupt many of them at the bar, anyway.

that leaves three options: clean, read, or sleep.

i'm pleased to report that it looks like my computer may actually be sitting on top of a desk, not just a really stable pile, as previously thought. furthermore, since i'm pretty wide awake, i think i can get at least a chair cleared off, and possibly an extra 4 square feet of floorspace.

when did this become my idea of a good way to spend a saturday night?

shit, i'm getting old.

in limbo

i was at a loss for what to write about today, but a conversation with a coworker less than five minutes ago provided the inspiration i was looking for.

one of my duties at one of the radio stations in our cluster is to keep an eye on the emergency alert system. if someone gets kidnapped, or we have torrential thunderstorms or an impromptu reenactment of the tornado scene from the wizard of oz, i'm supposed to get the message out to our six stations, as well as pass it along to other stations in the state.

to verify that i'm actually keeping an eye on things, i have to run around the building and sign a bunch of clipboards that acknowledge that i was responsible for things. (i know- me? responsible? a crazy idea......)

****digression ahead****

as i write this, we're playing a commercial about a new hooters location. brooke burke just told me what a glamorous job being a hooters girl is. since, of course, i'm the glamorous sort, i'm planning on working on my resume as soon as i finish pounding out this entry. once that's done, all i'll need to do is spend about 1,000 consecutive hours on the treadmill (need to do a tiny bit of toning, so grown men don't run the other direction when i approach them in my tiny orange shorts), and invest in a new water bra (bless you, frederick's), and i should be good to go.

but i digress.....


so anyway these clipboards are spread out around the building, and i'm somewhat lazy, so i usually sign the ones in the one studio that i happen to be in, and then scribble on the ones in the wnok studio at some point during my shift at wnok. (makes sense, doesn't it?)

so anyway, i hadn't signed the ones here in the wnok studio yet, when my coworker walked in to sign his name. i squeezed in between him and the clipboards so i could sign my name to each of the logs before he had a chance to. not wanting to invade his personal space, instead of bending over to reach the lower boards, i simply called upon my rollerskating limbo abilities and did sort of a sideways split to reach the lower clipboards. (it's harder to explain than to visualize, but for some reason "spread my legs" didn't sound appropriate........oh the searches i'm going to wind up on now....great.)

anyway, that reminded me about the good ol' days, when we used to skate at the elementary school gym on wednesday nights.

...and come to think of it, i probably included the story i was going to share in this post.

so, uhm....nevermind.

Friday, October 07, 2005

if you want my body......

this morning, aha's greatest hits accompanied me to the workout room. (i'm working my way through the cd collection, though i've already skipped a few, as otherwise, it'd take me roughly three years to make it through my collection, at the rate of one cd a day.)

my morning was a little rushed- avon orders to deliver, money to toss into the bank so my checks wouldn't bounce like a two year old on a sugar high....but i was only a couple of minutes late to work. (thanks to the speedy computer at the bank- my deposit was initially off by a penny.)

the rest of the day was uneventful in comparison, but good overall. (hell, at least i didn't get canned again.)

well, good except for one tiny little thing-
rod stewart seems to have taken over my mental jukebox, which really wouldn't be so bad if i knew all of the words to one of his songs or had a cd of his or something, so i could at least sing along. but nooooooo. furthermore, it would be an improvement if the song i've had in mind for the last serveal hours wasn't "do ya think i'm sexy?", as sung by (does anyone else remember this?) nell carter on an episode of "gimme a break" episode i last saw at least 20 years ago, when the show was in its original airing.

questions for discussion:
1. so, does anyone else remember this episode? i swear i'm not making it up.
2. why nell?
3. why now?
4. is nell carter even still alive?
5. does that thing on rod stewart's face scare anyone else?
6. is that why rachel hunter left him?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

signs of the south

ten southern things i just don't understand*

1. the appeal of grits.
anything that hardens to resemble styrofoam probably should not be considered edible.

2. debutantes.
i was never "presented" to society, and i've never felt the need to seek therapy over it.

3. southern cooking.
have you seen most of the folks who frequent these "southern" restaurants? all that "southern" fried food has turned them into "southern" lardasses.
(here's a dirty little secret: believe it or not, food does not have to be fried to be edible.)

4. anything below 70 degrees is considered "freezing"
....and heaven forbid it actually snow.

5. that strange ability southern women have to stab you in the back while oozing southern charm to your face.
enough said.

6. chitlins.
right up there with haggis in my book.

7. pork rinds
i take that back- i have been known to eat the barbeque kind. still, if you think about what they are, they're really quite gross.

8. maurice bessinger.
i don't care if his barbeque sauce makes folks multiorgasmic. i am not setting foot in any of his restaurants, as he doesn't seem to realize the confederacy lost the war.

9. grits.
i'm mentioning grits again- just because that whole styrofoam-like quality is really gross. i mean, you can stnad a baseball bat up in a bowl of grits and let it harden and the bat won't move!

10. nascar
i know, i know- nascar is universal....but they're obsessed down here.

*even though i could come up with more **
** you can stop telling the computer "if you don't like it, move".
(i will, eventually, as quite frankly, the world's too big to spend your whole life in one place. however, i won't move until i'm finished laughing at this quirky state.)

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


this will be fast, as i'm running late (big surprise, i know) to a friend's house, where i'm staying the night. (helping out, not trouble in paradise, i assure you.)i spent the night last night, too- and dropped off her middle child at my former workplace this morning.

it was less awkward than i thought it would be.

i felt strangely detached from my classroom, which has been completely rearranged (i doubt they waited for me to pull out of the parking lot last week before starting in on it) and is virtually unrecognizable. i thought it was an odd reaction, since, after all, it was my home away from home for over three years.

i walked out with four bags of my stuff, and will retrieve more tomorrow. i'm leaving most of my past purchases behind, but i have added a few more things to the list of items i'm reclaiming.

and then i came home, hopped on the treadmill (aerosmith's "big ones" today), showered, delivered a sizable avon order, and got to the new, improved job at 10.

sure, i miss my kids like crazy, and i miss seeing a handful of my coworkers, but when it comes down to it, have i really lost anything?


Tuesday, October 04, 2005

not the brightest shirt in the closet

i have been informed by my younger sibling that she tagged me almost a week ago, and i have yet to talk about my closet. (believe me- we really shouldn't go there...)

but, since you insist, kiddo, go there, we shall:

three random facts about my closet
1. the lightswitch has to be on all the way (you can't just flick it and get results), or else you will have to search for clothes in the dark
2. it's not nearly large enough for all my crap
3. the door has not closed in the two and a half years i've lived in my current apartment

three items i've never worn but still haven't tossed
1. my "mardi grass" t-shirt (i'm not into weed, but the shirt's acquisition is a story for a book some day.)
2. this handkerchief "shirt" i bought in atlanta when i went to see the marvelous 3's farewell concert over 4 years ago. i think it set me back about five bucks, but i just don't have the body for it right now.
3. a pair of cream and pale blue espadrielles i bought the first time i went to spain. i think i may have won them to the airport or train station or something during the trip, but i had a hard time walking in them.

three items i'll never get rid of, no matter how ugly they get
1. the evil black doc martens that sent me flying down a flight of stairs in high school (they're a size too big). i wound up with stitches and a shattered front tooth. ah, memories.
2. my yellow low cut chuck taylors. i only know of one other person who likes them, but that's okay...they're probably not your size, anyway.
3. my "rasta" overalls. they're a combination of various blue, purple, and white aptterns. i haven't worn them since college, i do not posess any sort of footwear that looks good with them, and i'm sure the fashion police would be summoned as soon as i set foot in public while wearing them. however, they hold a place near and dear to my heart, and therefore, i cannot part with them anytime soon.

three items people wouldn't expect to find in my closet
1. various items left over from my preschool career (toy-filled pumpkins, beach balls, rolls of stickers, et cetera.)
2. seashells (pensacola, i think)
3. nkotb memorabilia (it's not like i have it out in the open- it's closed up in a rubbermaid box.)

three items that made me go, "oh lord, what was i thinking?"
1. "stylish" white sandals from payless- chunky heel and all. (wait a minute- did those already get donated to goodwill? i can't recall.........)
2. platform sandals with flowers and straw in a combination that may be just right one someone else's feet- but just plain wrong on mine.
3. the skintight black polyester pants.....only flattering if your thighs are the size of matchsticks- which mine are not. (they would make good "bar pants", but i prefer jeans.)

three things that i have a surprising number of
1. boxed holiday cards (you have no idea.)
2. tennis shoes (imelda can have her heels...ever since my five year stint at athletic attic, i've been a tennis shoe junkie. i'm not big on nikes, though.)
3. jeans with holes. i have one pair without holes, and they don't fit right. every other pair has at least one hole, be it in the crotch, belt loops, and/or around the back pockets. (perhaps it's time for a trip tot the store.)

three dominant colors in my wardrobe
1. grey
2. blue
3. white (because i have a lot of t-shirts....otherwise, i'd say "more grey")

three items that never fail to put me in a good mood whenever i wear them
1. long-sleeved cookie monster shirt
2. purple velvet airwalks
3. comfortable jeans (yeah- holes and all)

three people i will tag
i'm leaving this up to you guys. if you want to play along, be my guest. (just let me know by leaving a message in my comments section, okay? thanks.)

Monday, October 03, 2005

singing in my underwear

i do not know how or why, but for some reason, old madonna songs have been playing on my mental jukebox all day. (i suppose it could be far worse- i could be stuck with any of her newer musical attempts.....or visions of her more memorable movie roles.....)

currently playing: "live to tell" (too bad i can only remember about three lines of the whole damned song.)

but you didn't come here to read about that, did you? of course not! you came for scandal (check out the eddie murphy news on jurgen nation- it sure as heck took me by surprise.), drama (am i living out of a cardboard box yet, due to friday's events? nope- paperwork at the new job got filled out today, the bills are paid, and i think i have enough left over to pick up some of those spiffy new muppets stamps at the post office.), and entertainment (have you heard the one about the chicken and the road? how about the one about gene simmons and the nun?).

so, let's see.....something about ticket prices? flying to phoenix last thanksgiving set me back a little over $200/ticket. i was appalled to learn yesterday that a ticket this year will set me back over $400 (and no, i didn't upgrade to first class, either).

something know that injured toe? i still have no idea what i bumped into to make it hurt like that. (okay, csi- have at it.)

and something entertaining.....

What Your Underwear Says About You

You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry.

You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

...which, for some wild reason, brings it all back to madonna...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

on a musical note...

i have solved van halen's lead singer issues. (i mean, why concentrate on work when you can promote harmony between egotistical guitarists and other memebers of their bands? is there a nobler cause? i think not.)

van halen is currently "between" lead singers.

gary cherone was the lead singer of extreme before he replaced sammy hagar as the lead singer of van halen in the mid-90s.

frankie j has a cover of "more than words" by extreme that's all over top 40 radio right now.

so, since we've already established that "more than words" opens the door to fame and fortune as a member of van halen, i'm predicting that frankie j will become the next lead singer of van halen within...oh.....10 years. (by then, maybe eddie will be too old and desperate for money that he won't let his ego get in the way.)

believe me, i'm looking foward to telling you "i told you so."

here i go again....

"let me know when you want me to press "play", okay?"
"PLAY!" i go again on my own.....

......going down the only road i've ever known........ a drifter, i was born to walk alone......

...and i've made up my mind....

...i ain't wasting no more time....

...but here i go again.....

Saturday, October 01, 2005

everything is broken

well, not everything....just my toe. i think. i'm not really sure, since i've never had a broken toe before and therefore have no idea what it's supposed to feel like. (i mean, i know how my toe is supposed to feel, in its natural, unbroken state...which is most definitely not the way it feels right now.)

as you can see, nothing looks wrong...i mean, there aren't any bones sticking out at weird angles, there hasn't been any blood shed, all of my toes are present and accounted for..... why does it feel like a horse stepped on it? (not a shetland pony, mind you- we're talking a freaking budweiser clydesdale here.) i'm a klutzy girl- i freely admit it- but i should think i'd be able to remember what caused an injury like this.