Saturday, February 27, 2016

in the event of my demise (planning 60-something years ahead, of course)

i was only half listening, but i think i just heard the host of the show i'm babysitting say he wanted folks to be sad and not make any jokes at his funeral.

now, i'm not planning on shuffling off this mortal coil until i've outlived my relatives (currently, the age to beat is 103), but let me go ahead and make it internet official:

when i croak, it is not to be a dour affair.

sure, i want to be missed. i'd be thrilled to be called "a breath of fresh air" and if someone says they're glad they knew me, that would be cool, too.

that said, my favorite songs should be played, photos should be shown (heavy on the ones where i look good in a bikini, with a few funny ones interspersed.....and please leave out any where i look like i might have an extra chin, constipation, or an ass that's two axe handles wide.), and stories should be told.*

my favorite movies should be shown- real genius, the princess bride, the labyrinth, drop dead fred, the crow, young guns II, beetlejuice, young frankenstein, monty python and the holy grail, metropolis (with the 80s rock soundtrack), pump up the volume, edward scissorhands..... oh- and you should finish with bill and ted's bogus journey, because i will totally whip the grim reaper at twister, if given half a chance.** (with that in mind, this may need to be more of a weekend film festival.)

my favorite food should be served. tacos, too.

oh- and karaoke. there should be karaoke. if there's crying, this is when it can take place- not because someone played "stairway to heaven" (which, by the way, would be totally against my wishes and considered grounds for haunting***), but because someone made the same mistake i once did and attempted "let's go crazy" or "shoop" and learned (the hard way) that singing such tunes in the shower or car is far different from trying to keep up with them in front of other people. crying while laughing is permissible.

t shirts should be made. make them cool enough that people will actually wear them again. instead of tour dates on the back, you can list significant dates or my most memorable quotes or the lyrics to my favorite song.

if all goes well, i should have around 60 years to figure out the rest but, just in case, these are the most important parts.

oh- if i'm in decent enough shape, and if i haven't already outlived all the people i don't like and may or may not have actually told to "kiss my pale, white butt", please flip me over in my casket for five minutes so they may do so at that time. (tell the mortician to make it easy for them and put me in a thong.****)

actually, this sounds like a pretty good time. if my death is not sudden, maybe we should have a practice run before the very end.

i'll get back to you regarding whether or not that butt-kissing part should be included.

*my sibling should be limited to no more than five embarrassing ones.
**yes- even if i'm 104. i plan on being limber till the day i die.
***also banned: nirvana, the cranberries, alanis morissette and any rush song except for the one with aimee mann. i can't stand whiny lead singers and, again, i will find a way to haunt offenders.
****if i've fallen out of shape and a thong would be too traumatizing for innocent bystanders, then something slightly more modest from victoria's secret or frederick's would be acceptable. under no circumstances, however, should i be put in "granny panties". i'm serious. i will haunt you for eternity and steal your socks from the dryer, one at a time.