Monday, October 30, 2006

the good, the bad, and the just plain weird

i was hurting for something to blog about tonight, but lo and behold, salvation has come in the form of statcounter.

it's been awhile since the last time i did this, and i'm pleased to report that it seems the foot fetishists have left the building....or maybe they've just gone into hiding.

anyway, without further adieu, here are some of the latest ways people have stumbled into my blog:

104.7 WNOK journey tickets

imagine that- some poor soul here in columbia (well, technically on the other side of town, in lexington) does not have tickets to the journey concert this thursday, so they googled my station in the hopes of scoring some tickets.

dude, if def leppard performs their set first, i'd be more than happy to let you use my ticket for the journey portion of the concert.

cute and cuddly wallpaper

i'm #9 for this one- somewhere between actual wallpaper sites and...well....more actual wallpaper sites. (i wonder if any of them stock the vaguely risque metallic red wallpaper we had in the bar area of our house in college.....)

slimey the worm t-shirt office space

is there a slimey the worm t-shirt in office space? is that reason enough for me to watch the movie again? i think so. (then again, when was the last time i actually needed a reason to watch office space?)


oh, honey. i'm not sure bryan adams can "fogive" you for botching his name like that.

meatball "it's all coming back"

*snickering* i'm afraid i'm just not quite sure where to start with this one. as i recall from researching a previous post, meatloaf has actually lost weight recently, which would make him resemble a meatball less than previously, not more.

furthermore, i seriously doubt meatloaf would touch a celine dion tune with a ten foot pole. (if he has, perhaps it's time to cart him off to rehab.)

lyrics dady you can you have to walk away all fogive me mama say

i'm afraid something was lost in the translation here. no- make that a lot of somethings.

"ceiling repair" bob villa

my old boyfriend, patrick, would be proud to know that apparently i'm now one of the leading authorities on ceiling repair. in fact, i'll share my wisdom with you, for the low, low price of "free":

just tell everyone you needed a skylight anyway.

peter pan layout for myspace

i'm pretty sure i double-posted the piece that this search pointed to, so i'm a little curious as to why the searcher in question went with my blogger post instead of the myspace post. something to ponder over a nice bowl of fairy dust-sprinkled cereal, don't you think?

shanana bowser theme song

dear canadian querier behind this search,

i love you, if only because you're not afraid to admit you've heard of sha na na.


girlfriend gunnar nelson quality time

if that's an offer, count me in! maybe if i'm really lucky, he'll serenade me with "more than ever". (yes, i'm being serious- for once.)

rick schroder + cheating on wife

let me assure you, i'm not the "other woman", mostly because i don't share very well.

"block political phone"

tell me about it- i'm sck of the political phone calls, too. yet another reason why i'm never home to answer my phone. wake me when it's over, but only if the congress is under democratic control.

free videos of kate moss,s feet being tickled

perhaps i spoke too soon about the foot fetishists. however, i feel the need to point out that, for once, the fetishist wasn't interested in hilary duff or amanda peet.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

i'm too sexy for this post....

i made the mistake of walking down the hall a few minutes ago (i'm at the radio station- my weekend home away from home), and heard this:

which brought to mind the spanish version, which was the "b" side on the cassette single. (i'd offer to sing it for you, but my knowledge of spanish is a bit limited, to say the least.)

though i know all the words to the english version, backwards and forward, as a public service, i will refrain from singing it to you, too.

however, i am unable to make the same promise regarding this one:

it has been far, far, too long since i last did the time warp. in fact, i think the last time was roughly five years ago, when i started working at wnok. that halloween, the djs were allowed to celebrate the season by adding "dead man's party", "werewolves of london", "thriller", and the aforementioned classic from the rocky horror picture show.

i clearly recall, even five years later, as i left the radio station halloween night, i asked the dj after me if he'd mind playing "the time warp" for me to listen to during my drive across town to pass out halloween candy.........

...but i digress.

in kansas city, one could usually find a theatre somewhere in town to see rocky horror on a saturday night. to be perfectly honest, i'm not sure such things are possible here in columbia, south carolina.

that's not the only halloween-related thing i miss about kansas city. (i swear, i never thought i'd miss anything about kansas city, but perhaps the list i posted the other day has stirred up a few memories....)

i miss haunted houses.

sure, they have little "terror trails" around here, but nothing beats going to the old warehouses in the "bottoms" section of downtown kansas city and paying a day's wages (okay, maybe it just seemed that expensive) to get the crap scared out of you at the beast and catacombs....or maybe you weren't actually that scared, but wanted an excuse to hold his/her hand really tight while walking through the attraction.

i miss having a controversy-free halloween.

unless you live along the bible belt, having halloween fall on a sunday is no big deal. however, there was quite an uproar around here a couple of years ago, when halloween fell on a sunday. seriously, you have no idea. as i recall, most counties observed halloween on sunday, but there were a few towns that were convinced that celebrating halloween on a sunday was undoubtedly the fast track to hell. i'm pretty sure the ruckus was caused by the same folks who believe that teaching abstinence instead of sex ed in schools will actually keep their sixteen year olds from playing "find the salami" behind the local waffle house, but i suppose i could be wrong about that. on the bright side, however, savvy kids were able to go trick or treating not once, but twice, because of the controversy, so i suppose it wasn't such a horrible deal after all.

i'd also missed having a halloween costume, so i went out and bought one this year. i'm not sure whether or not i'll actually wear it this year, but at least i could if i wanted to. when i bought it, one of the store employees informed me that that was the best he'd seen that costume look. i assume he was just trying to make a sale, but i also noticed he appeared to be missing an ear, which pretty much qualifies him as the strange sort of guy i generally seem to attract, so who knows?

then again, maybe he's planning on going as van gogh this year.

now that's damn sexy, let me tell you.

in the spirit of the season......

Which Rocky Horror Character are You?

You are *Janet*! O.K so you may start off rather lame but you come into your own at the end. You are pretty and very funny to watch. You look good in your underwear and you get it on with both Frank and Rocky. Yay!
Take this quiz!

toucha, toucha, touch me, indeed.


(new secrets have been posted over at first internet stop on sunday mornings.)

and, no- i didn't send in this one, but i think it's perfect.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

"so- where you from?"

i've had a couple of rather interesting little bulletins show up on myspace lately. i briefly considered passing them on via bulletin, but that'd only cause more important bulletins like "naughty sex survey", "would u do me?", and "who do u like?" to scroll off of your pages that much faster, and i hate to deprive you of such quality entertainment. (for the record, since i didn't bother to pass any of those on, either, my answers, in no particular order are: "u, of course", "only if i took up drinking heavily and mistook u for val kilmer", and "57.5".)*

besides, since most of my random musings readers lack myspaces (or won't admit to having them, anyway), this way i can share these little tidbits with everyone, without having to leave any readers out.

yep, i'm feeling a bit lazy. it happens....sort of like having zits at 28. pass the clearasil when you're done with it, kiddo.

anyway, both of these items were of a rather geographical nature (what are the bets that at least one of my readers is deprived enough to have somehow read that as "pornographical" which, naturally, would be more than just "pornographic"...or something like that.), and i figure maybe 4 or 5 of you could relate to each. everyone else can just shake their heads and mumble something about my friends having way too much time on their hands.

or, if you're really lazy like i am today, you can simply hit ctrl-c and ctrl-v and a few keys in between and copy it all for an easy post on your blog:

you know you are from KC when... know that Kansas City is actually two cities in two states, Kansas and Missouri, and you make sure people know which one you're from.

... if you live on the Kansas side, you think Missouri drivers are pokey and frustrating. If you live on the Missouri side, you think Kansas drivers are crazy and erratic.

... your airport is known as KCI (Kansas City International Airport) yet, the airport code is MCI.

... you tell visitors that your city is the "City of Fountains" and they look at you blankly because no one outside of the city has EVER heard it called that, even though we do have over 200 fountains sprinkled throughout the city.

... you've given the following answers: "Yes, we have tornados." "No, I don't know Dorothy."

... you whined through the 90's about Marty Ball and now wish he was back so the Chiefs could just make the playoffs.

... you Christmas shop at the Plaza and ice skate at Crown Center in the winter.

... you know better than to try and drive through "the triangle" at rush hour.

... you know Leawood sucks.

... you've had a skyscraper at Windsteads.

... you remember how awesome Ward Parkway used to be, and now complain that you have to go to Town Center

... you've barhopped in Westport.

... you brag about having the only WWI memorial in the nation, but neglect to tell people it looks like a cock and balls.

... you've ridiculed the giant shuttlecock sculptures on the lawn of the Nelson Atkins Museum of Art to your local friends, but defended them to out-of-towners.

... you have ever defended Dick Vermeil for being such a cry baby.

... you've bragged to others how close you live to the Meth capital of the world, but thank God its still far away enough to not make you feel white trash.

... you think Johnson County folks are a bit pretentious (even if you are one).'ve had Brian Busby come to your school to talk about Weather.

... you've gotten in a fight in gradeschool over the MU/KU allegiance.

... you know who Tech N9ne is, and freak out during "We reppin KCMO, the fellas and the ladies know"

... the term "the Dot" itself has made you laugh.

... you know where the Appleby's house is.

... and George Brett's house.

... you brag you're from the Missouri side.

... you keep the fact that you're from KCK a secret.

... you're driving directions always involve Ward Parkway or State Line or I-35 or I-435

... Wyandotte County confuses the hell out of you.

... you're mad because Nebraska Furniture Mart used to delivery to Kansas City for free, all the way from Omaha, but now that they have a big new NFM store right here in KC, you have to pay for delivery.

... you think that every year is the year the Chiefs will win it all.

... you've spent many a day riding rides and eating park food at Worlds of Fun.

... you've watched the American Royal parade and rodeo and sampled BBQ at the annual cookoff.

... you know that KC has a jazz district down at 18th and Vine, even if you've never been there.

... you can't find a steak worthy of your pallette outside of KC.

... you know that if you don't get to Suicide Hill by 8 AM, you're gonna get nothing but dirt.

... you know the name Buck O'Neil needs to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame....NOW.

... you know that Union Station wasn't always so lame.

... you have had some of the best BBQ ever... from a gas station.

... one of your guilty pleasures is Go Chicken Go, despite how disgusting it really is.

... you've eaten a meal that was delivered to you by a model train.

.. regardless if you're from the suburban wannabe KC area, you still tell people from out of town you're from KC; and that's because it sounds so much worse to say you're from Shawnee Mission, Leawood, Overland Park, Liberty, Harrisonville, Belton, Blue Springs, Lee's Summit, Mission Hills, Olathe, Odessa, Longview, Grandview, Raytown, Merriam, Riverside, Kearney, De Soto, Fairway, Gladstone, Excelsior, Leavenworth, Ottawa, Prairie Village, Raymore, Bonner Springs (hahahahaha), Parkville, Tonganoxie, Unity Village(~do people actually live in Unity Village??), Westwood, Peculiar, or Riverside. I mean come on, how lame is that?

... you and your friends have been talking about stealing a 69 South sign for years.

... you are wary of "Flush" Creek.

... you still call it Sandstone.

... you think Windsteads craps all over Steak and Shake in Quality and Taste.

... you've celebrated the turning on of Christmas lights with about 100,000 other drunk people... every year.

... you take the back way to Kauffman/Arrowhead by passing by LC's Barbeque.

... you've drank at Loose Park at night. (~no thanks, I don't wanna get shot!!)

... you went to Knights of Columbus dances.

... you know that fireworks sustain Riverside. (~they also have cheap cigarettes)

... it can take you up to 45 minutes to get to a friends house, without traffic.

... one word: Comets.

... you know who the "Nigerian Nightmare" is.

... you know Manny.

... you set off enough fireworks to blow up China every year on the fourth of July, even though all the news stations remind you "they're cracking down this year."

... you went to Waldo Pizza/Imo's/Uno's before a dance.

... you know the following numbers: 648-8888 and 321-2277 (and can sing the accompanying songs).

... you spent a full day learning how life works at Exchange City.

... you remember running through the Crown Center fountains as a kid.

... you've stood in line for hours to buy a dual pass for The Edge of Hell and The Beast and complained about how bad the Beast sucked afterwards

... you've been to Kaleidoscope (and still want to go back).

... you've have personally seen Beetlejuice put a rat in his mouth or lick your car window.

... when you are describing an upscale part of town in a different city to your KC friends, you refer to it as "Johnson County".

and now, for the interactive portion of today's post:

Start with 100 and take off 5 of each question that you answer NO to. The higher the percentage the more of a South Carolinian you are!

1) Do you like sweet tea? yes

2) Do you get dressed up to go tailgating for a football game? no

3a) (Girls) Do you wear you're pearls with jeans? no

3b) (guys) Do you own more than 10 hats but only wear 1?

4) Have you ever gone to the Carolina cup? no

5) Have you even been "muddin"? no

6) Have you ever spent a day at "the river"? no

7) Do you own anything with the tree and moon on it? no

8) Do you love Boiled Peanuts? no

9) Have you ever been to some county festival (i.e. Okra strut, peach festival, water festival)? no

10) Have you ever been to the "market" in Charleston? yes

11) Have you spent at least one night partying in 5 points? yes

12) Have you heard of Shealy's bbq? yes

13) Have you ever spent a night at Myrtle Beach? yes

14) Do you eat grits on a regular basis? no

15) Have you eaten at a waffle house more than once a week? no

16) Do you still use sir/ma'am, please and thank you on a daily basis? yes

17) Do you know at least part of "the shag"? no

18) Have you ridden in the back of a pickup truck? yes

19) Do you say the word "y'all" all the time? only because i watched the "beverly hillbillies" a little too often during my formative years

20) Do you still have that southern charm? whether or not i'm actually charming is debatable.

woo-hoo! after six years here, i'm only roughly 35% south carolinian. there may be hope for me yet......

Thursday, October 26, 2006

bono's conducting my train of thought tonight.....

i've been driving SO's car all week, mostly because it has a cd player, and mine doesn't. (what can i say? i was unwilling to put up with power locks and power windows in order to get a sunroof and cd player. go ahead and call me stubborn- it's not like that's something i haven't heard before.)

anyway, i discovered monday morning that he had the cd below in his car, and i've spent the week getting reaquainted with bono. (no, this does not mean i'm currently sporting one of his rubber bracelets. i'm afraid i'm just not into that particular thing. i have a long history of being untrendy.) at the moment, i've got the chorus of "until the end of the world" stuck in my head. well, not quite the chorus- the part about trying to drown your sorrows...but they learned how to swim.

i consider myself pretty lucky- i'll admit it.

i mean, i'm not rich, and the chances of hugh hefner begging me to be in playboy are pretty slim, but i'm doing pretty well for myself, i think. i really like my jobs, not to mention the ability to go on vacation pretty much whenever i want. sure, it's unpaid vacation, but the bills are pain, there' money in the savings account, and i figure i'd be pretty foolish not to go out and explore as much as possible while i have the ability to do so.

the dalai lama hasn't promised me total consciousness upon my deathbed, but i know if i get my tail in a crack, there are people who care about me enough to come to my rescue.

i don't have any pictures of paris hilton doing scandalous things that i could sell to people magazine and make enough money to buy that stretch escalade that completely repulses me (don't even get me started on my thoughts about suvs....especially the luxury ones that obviously aren't going to be taken off the road...ever), but six people on here are sufficiently amused by my writings (which, added to the readership i can claim over on myspace makes.....twelve) to come back on a regular basis- even if i'm not blogging nearly as regularly as i used to.

actually, the first time i realized someone i didn't know was reading my ramblings, it freaked me out. i've since gotten more comfortable about it. in fact, it's sort of like the way i handle radio- when it's just me and a microphone, i can delude myself into believing it's just me and a microphone. then again, if my weekend gig involved being onstage in front of the portion of our state that our signal actually covers.....i think i'd have to wear depends. same goes for reading my stuff out loud. the theory also explains why that whole "stand-up comedian" career plan went out the window. how is it i could be young and fearless when i was little and did school plays and olympics of the mind and whatnot, and now the idea of being in front of a crowd of people and actually having to open my mouth makes me feel about as comfortable as an eighty year old nun sitting in an adult movie theater next to paul reubens?

thankfully, i never have to do that sort of thing.

bono's totally all over it, though.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Monday, October 23, 2006

now playing on my mental jukebox.....

perhaps i shouldn't have mentioned the monkees in last night's post- i've had "pleasant valley sunday" stuck in my head for most of the day.

not that i mind all that much, really- though it would be helpful if i could remember the words to the whole song, not just a set of four lines that seem to be stuck on permanent "repeat" in my head.

it's finally getting chilly here in south carolina. i think we only made it to the mid-60s today (hey- that's pretty cold for us, considering....), and i left work earlier than usual (though by no means early) so i could haul my cacti in before they got too cold. i'm afraid a couple of them might not make it, though. guess maybe i should have watered them once or twice in the last couple of months.

maybe sometimes being low maintainence can be a bad thing, i suppose.

..and just like that, the monkees are out, and chris isaak is in.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

in a mellow mood

i have this cd ripped into my laptop. it's one of only a few. out of my 1000 or so cds (i've always had a bad cd habit, even before getting into radio. i have my dad to blame for it), only 5 or 6 full albums are loaded onto my computer...the rest of the library consists of a song or two here and there...and maybe one day, when i have more time (and memory on my laptop), i'll add a few more albums. until then, if i want to listen to something in its entirety, my choices are:

headlines and deadlines: the hits of a-ha
from under the cork tree- fall out boy
ready, sex, go- the marvelous 3
the monkees greatest hits
don't tell mom the babysitter's dead soundtrack
the labyrinth soundtrack
sounds of the underground (an 80's alternative/new wave compilation)
about five dr. demento compilations
and this.....sister sweetly, by big head todd and the monsters.

don't know why i felt like sharing such life-changing news with you, but there you go.

this cd (the big head todd one) reminds me of someone from high school. (a boy, naturally. as my close friends from that era can attest, i think i wound up harboring a crush on roughly 10% of the male population of park hill high school at any one time. it's probably just as well that i rarely got dates. i certainly wasn't ready to be on the playing field, let alone rounding many bases....and certainly not with some of my crushes. fortunately, my standards have been raised as i've gotten older. "because he asked me out and wasn't wearing women's clothing at the time" is no longer enough to justify saying "yes". but i digress.....)

anyway, that someone happens to be on myspace.

you know how sometimes you search for random people from your past, just to see if they're on here? (surely i'm not the only one who does it, am i?)

well, one day i typed his name in.

and he's here.

and married.

with a kid.

and i'm reminded of the fact that when i was in kansas city last thanksgiving, i brought back something that belongs to him- a book of peotry and song lyrics that i borrowed from him a mere 12 or so years ago.

i know- oops.

i'm afraid i'm not always the best about returning things i've borrowed. then again, i suppose it sort of evens out, since i've had a few possessions march off into the sunset. (like that inxs poster i stupidly traded my freshman year of high school. i will never stop kicking myself over that.)

anyway, i brought it back to south carolina with me because i figured i could mail it back to him (he's in the kansas city phone book, after all) with a note apologizing for the delay and maybe he'd get curious about what i was up to and send a note back or something.....

yeah, i doubt it too.

isn't it interesting how you can be so totally hung up on someone (for the record, we never so much as dated, kissed.....any of that. not even after i started wearing green because it was (of course) his favorite color...), and not even be a blip on their radar?

(yes, that's just my fancy way of saying that val kilmer still hasn't called.)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

a funny thing happened at the fair....

last night, i went to the sc state fair (for the first time, i might add) with the bosses and their kids. we split up into two groups, and i wound up heading for the "big kid" rides with the guys. since most of the rides were two-seaters, that meant someone generally wound up riding alone, or with a stranger.......and one of the times, i wound up being the loner.

i was still trying to figure out the likelihood that the ride in question was going to make me toss my cookies when a guy who would've been my type about 10 years ago (and i'm guessing he was only a year or two older than i was ten years ago) came up and asked if he could ride with me. no problem.

as he was getting strapped in, he skipped past the whole "introduction" thing and headed straight for "how old are you?".

i know that with the braces/zits/ponytail combination i was sporting last night, i probably looked a little young. i hadn't quite realized how young.

"probably older than you think." (a safe bet, and i can't say i'm not proud of my youthful good looks)



"how old do you think i am?"


wow. no wonder he didn't tell me his name first- he was concerned i was jailbait.

i thanked him for the low estimate, and broke it to him gently- that i was 28- almost ready to start comparing nursing homes.

"wow. i was figuring 14 or 15, but then you said you were older......"

ah yes, it seems i haven't lost my touch. 75% of what i attract always has been either married, female, or none too bright.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

have you ever noticed......

....that the right thing to do and the easy thing to do are rarely one and the same?

i mean, it would be easy to scarf down the entire bag of caramel kisses without leaving any for SO, but aren't we taught from a young age that it's better to share?

(don't mind me- i think it's the pms talking.)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

procrastination for a worthy cause?

i'm having a hard time focusing this morning (err....make that afternoon). as usual, i have stuff i could be doing, but i seem to be mentally bouncing off the walls.

id blame my lack of focus on all the caffiene i've consumed lately, but i've actually been behaving pretty well lately.....aside from the vat of baja blast SO brought back from taco bell the other night.....but that should have worn off by now, shouldn't it?

anyway, most of my energy today has been spent trying to reorganize my digital photos. while digging through some of the folders, i realized that i've been fortunate enough to go some really cool places this year. (trust me- the fact that i can travel pretty much whenever i want to is something i am quite grateful for. i know how lucky i am.....and i figure i should take full advantage of my situation, since i have no idea when i'll have such a great arrangement again.)

here are a few favorite shots from some of my outings this year:

havasu falls, havasupai

mooney falls, havasupai
grand canyon national park, arizona
april 2006

norris geyser basin

grand canyon of the yellowstone
yellowstone national park, wyoming
june 2006

the tetons, grand teton national park
wyoming, june 2006

the virgin river, zion canyon

"wall street", zion narrows
zion national park, utah
early september 2006

by the way, the october 2006 issue of national geographic magazine has some fantastic articles about(and, of course, pictures of) our national parks. (i'm pleased to report that all four of the ones pictured above are mentioned, as well as several i'd like to visit in the near future.) the issue is definitely worth checking out if you have the time. while i wouldn't necessarily call myself a "tree hugger", it distresses me to consider some of the possible fates of these parks.....something i'm afraid most folks wouldn't understand if they've never been to the grand canyon, or yellowstone, or the tetons, or zion, or just about any other major national park.

if any of you have national park photos of your own posted anywhere, plase let me know where to find them. i'm beginning to plan out my vacations for 2007 and would love suggestions.......

Saturday, October 14, 2006

why i do not have kids: reason #367

when you have a kid, somebody's got to act like a grown up.......and i'm guessing it's not generally the one of you running around in the diaper.

Friday, October 13, 2006

back off, mr. roboto

perhaps it's pms....perhaps it's frustration over being unable to locate the bag of caramel hershey's kisses i cleverly hid from SO awhile back.....but i'm a little cranky and here's who i feel like blaming this evening:

~people who can't seem to pronounce the word "jaguar".
i've run into this particular problem here in south carolina, more than anywhere else i have ever lived. even after six years of residing here, i am still stumped as to how "jaguar" somehow comes out of folks' mouths as if it were spelled "jagwire". every time i hear it, i am tempted to ask the offender to pronounce "guano" for me.

~styx. i simply cannot find it in my heart to forgive them for "mr. roboto".
i heard that song- and not even the whole song, but just a verse of it- earlier today, and it had been stuck ever since. i am firmly convinced that "mr. roboto" could be used to effectively break down prisoners. forget the chinese water torture....forget any of the other 345 forms of torture our fearless leader wants to allow- hearing "domo arigato, mr. roboto" over and over and over again could even get my sweet, innocent cheyenne (after the city, not the tribe) grandma to admit to running over prize poodles and harboring bin laden in her basement.

~telemarketers/other annoying phone callers
for once and for all, i am happy with my phone service and i'm not voting for your candidate. on second thought, if your phone service will automatically block political phone calls.........

~incompetent mickey d's employees who can't seem to get my order right
don't you people know who i am? i own 88 shares of stock in your company...unless there's been a recent split, in which case i'm up to...uh....carry the one......176. therefore, i should be considered important enough to deserve the salad dressing i ordered (lite italian, because i dig the extra pepper) and the buffalo wing sauce i ordered to go with my nuggets. (no, barbeque sauce is not the same thing.)

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

please hold still while i shove this lipstick up your nose.

so, let's just say, hypothetically, that you're a fan of avon. and let's just say, hypothetically, that several months ago, you placed a $25 avon order, and when i delivered it to you, you paid by check....which you put on hold the day before i tried to cash it.

oh, but wait- there's more.

let's say, hypothetically, that when i tried to contact you after getting the love note from my bank stating that your check did not clear, you did a great imitation of a participant of the federal witness protection program.

continuing along our hypothetical line of thinking, let's say that one day, roughly three months after giving you up for dead, i come home from work and hear your voice on my answering machine.

are you calling to find out where to send the check?


are you calling to apologize for taking so long to get back to me but hope i understand, since you've spent the last four months hiding out in afghanistan with bin laden?


let's say, hypothetically, that you actually have to audacity to call me and place another order.

but wait- there's more.

when i call you to express willingness to place your order after your account has been settled, let's just suppose that you first deny that you'd previously placed an order, then claim that the check cleared your bank, and then, when i point out that your balance needs to be cleared before i can place your new order, you say "ok" and then freaking hang up on me.

i sincerely hope that this woman calls me next week to ask when i'll deliver her order. not only has she pushed my customer service skills to the limit, but i'll be in the middle of full-on pms by then, and i've already got the tape recorder ready, because i am sure i'll say something priceless.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

pictures and a couple thousand words (what a bonus!)

i've been playing catch-up today......well, when it comes to the stuff i'm not currently trying to avoid, that is.

(yes, folks, i'm calling the weekly meeting of "procrastinators anonymous" to order.)

first, go check out my handiwork over at random photos. i've spent the last 6 hours tinkering around with it, and i think that, after a month of neglect, i'm finally caught up.

go ahead, i'll wait.

wasn't it all you ever dreamed and more? no? well, i'll have to try a little harder this week, i guess.....cracked lens and all.

yeah- that happened sometime last weekend, judging from my photos. remember those cheap 35 mm cameras that would put waldo or garfield or rainbow brite or whatever on your pictures? well, i now own a more modern, subtle version- it puts a nice streak in the upper left hand corner of every photo i take. i could photoshop it out, but i like imperfections and, as a general rule, i only use photoshop to resize and sometimes crop my photos.

anyway, catching up to myself.....i realized this afternoon that i forgot to recognize a very important anniversary- i left the preschool a year and a week ago. in celebration of this milestone, let me present to you......

five things i do not miss now that i'm no longer at my former place of employment

1. diapers/potty training- i figure i have paid my dues. in the event that i have kids, SO will be handling those areas.....

2. getting 11 out of the twelve kids to sleep.....just before #12 decides to practice their vaudeville routine, which incorporates singing, dancing, gymnastics, and (when told to "cut it out") a rather accurate imitation of a possessed toddler, complete with banshee wail.

3. that one special set of parents in each class that simply refuse to believe that their little angel could hit/kick/bite/spit at/talk back to/smear bodily secretions upon you and/or any of their classmates....who obviously deserved it anyway. (of course, as you're showing them the bite marks their child left on your ankle, the child in question is inevitably trying to perfect their imitation of several looney tunes characters- all at once.)

4. boogers on khakis. (thank goodness that was generally the worst i wound up with.)

5. "i pay $$$$$ a month in tuition, so why are you asking me to bring in wipes/kleenex/a muzzle?" (some folks never seemed to grasp that their tuition checks were not being turned over to me directly. i mean, really, had i been making $600 per month per child, i certainly would be zipping around town in a much fancier vehicle than my current mode of transportation.)

perhaps next year the statute of limitations will have run out and i can share five more with you.....until then, have i mentioned how much i love my current job? we're talking right up there with my love of val kilmer, the haunted mansion ride, and tacos, folks. pretty serious stuff.....

which reminds me- you've this far down the page. why not go a little further and maybe leave a comment or two on the post below?

Saturday, October 07, 2006

run away! run away!

i have accomplished a grand total of squat today. however, i have come away inspired by this post from dooce. (what do you mean you've never been to liar!)

after spending my entire airshift on wnok scrolling through the comments inspired by that particular post, i've decided to tackle this  very dangerous topic (actually, since only 1 of my old boyfriends dares to read any of my blogs, i figure i'm pretty safe).

here's my list, which (it must be noted) is by no means exhaustive:

~overly religious. 

i'm a pretty open-minded person. i tend to follow the ol "whatever trips your trigger" line of thinking on most things. that said, please don't try to convince me that i need to "find jesus"...i figure there are enough people looking already. as soon as someone finds him, i'm sure it'll be plastered all over the cover of every major newspaper in the western hemisphere. i could use a good nap more than a wild goose chase.


seriously, the last time i was okay with licking an ashtray was during an evening of drunken debauchery in college. (no, i've never actually licked an ashtray, but is kissing a smoker really that far removed from it?)

~lack of sense of humor

were i not so lazy, i'd put this first. seriously.

~what do you mean, "why do you have so many rubber duckies?"

seriously, if my childlike zest for life bothers you, perhaps you should leave. (i should also mention that my childlike zest for life is carefully balanced with my collection of impractical underthings, thankyouverymuch.....and no, they're not stored in the same area of my apartment.)

~hate to travel? a sure sign that this isn't going to work.

life's too short to spend it in one place. i have a really hard time understanding how anyone my age hasn't made it to at least a beach by this point in their life.

~the guy who dumped me for my poor taste in music? done.

so sorry i wasn't into your ambient/techno/crunk music.....especially in the bedroom which, come to think of it, reminds me of the other reason you dumped me. i'm still waiting for you to come out of the closet, quite frankly, and i think that blogging about your beloved "herb garden" is a sure sign that you're on your way.......

~if it takes less than two minutes, it shouldn't count.

call me heartless, but if i wanted quick draw mcgraw, i would have gone after an eighteen year old. (not that the guy in question was much older then that at the time, but still. i mean, really- he was old enough that it shouldn't have started and ended during the same commercial break. every. single. time.**)

don't worry- i'm sure i'll think of more......

in the meantime, what qualities in a potential mate will send you running towards the sunset, never to look back?

**i know, i know- you would think i'd have learned after the first time, but i was honestly convinced that it was a fluke, simply because he hadn't had any attention in awhile. plus, he was kind of hot.

Friday, October 06, 2006

waiting for the right moment to tell you......

(no, it's not one of mine- i can honestly say i haven't submitted anything to postsecret yet- but it just seemed.....perfect

Sunday, October 01, 2006

aye aye aye aye aye

if you've ever seen "the gods must be crazy", you understand just how much the title of this post expresses my exasperation at my current situation.

here i sit at work, procrastinating as usual, trying to chase down a certain pet shop boys tune to stick on my myspace profile, and what am i coming up with instead of an "add"able version of "always on my mind" to put on my profile?

ignorance....and lots of it.

since myspace mail seems to be temporarily down, let me air my grievances here:

1. i may be a bit of a skeptic, but i think most people would agree with me that the pet shop boys cannot be classified as "crunk".

2. unless there's a cover floating around there that i haven't run into, i believe "send me an angel" was recorded by real life, not the pet shop boys.

3. oh- and "hands to heaven"? that was breathe...not the pet shop boys.

4. i do not appreciate being teased. if you're going to set up a page as "pet shop boys" and put up my favorite pet shop boys songs, it is downright cruel for you to block me from adding them to my profile.

aye aye aye aye aye