Saturday, December 31, 2005

i always feel like...somebody's watching me.

i'm keeping an ear on the kids i'm babysitting- if the eldest two don't get quiet in the next ten minutes, i guess i'll have to wander in and threaten to separate about the time i finish this post.

anyway, i finally opened a piece of "junk" mail today. normally i toss letters from random banks into the trash, especially since

a. i run up enough debt on my credit card....and i have zero need to have another one at my disposal.

b. i get a lot of credit card offers from banks.

however, this one has sat on the dining room table (instead of the recycling heap) for quite some time now....because it was a little different. most of these "incredible offers" from banks are addressed to my non-duff name....or, on occasion, they're to my non-non-duff name...but this was the first to "Ms. Duff E. Bear".

great...who decided to send spam based on an an email alias?

i should have known. without going into great detail, let's just say i was right. it was him...and it wasn't a wife, but the girlfriend who's sometimes an ex.

of course, i opened this letter today, long after scribbling out the holiday card, complete with the inquiry about marriage (i think i included that, i mean, he was my hundredth (alphabetically) out of 130) as well as one about the "gas station incident"...which was phrased in his letter like this:

"I think I may have seen you walking into the gas station in Platte Woods while you were in town but I'm not for sure."

i love it when i'm right.

now, if you'll excuse me, i've got a couple of kids to fuss at and a letter to write.

this just in...

well, actually, i just got in. i'm back from maine (nearly 70 degrees down here, i was about 65 degrees colder in maine this morning....), and i've got unpacking to do, dishes to do, mail to know- the usual post-trip list.

so, please forgive the lack of sentence saturday this week. i have less than 3 hours to get a few things done and head out the door to babysit tonight. (SO won't be back from his corner of the country, so unless i cuddle up to a cat or a sleeping five year old, i've got no one to kiss at midnight...again this year.

but i have pictures...lots of them, in fact. and two posts to write- one on my adventures in the great white north (sort of), and one involving this undeniable urge i have to listen to la guns. (it relates to a book i'm reading, but i don't want to spoil it.....)

so, check back with me tomorrow, when i hope to have all that and maybe a year end wrap-up or some resolutions or something, which, let's face it, is more than you've gotten from me all week.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

where's the park?

(i'm backdating this- hope you actually scroll down far enough to see it)

i came to maine armed with my national park passport (if i had to guess, i'd say kal probably has one, but not too many of my other blog buddies), with the intention of visiting acadia national park, on mount desert (pronounced "dessert"- just a helpful tip) island, so i could snap a few dozen photos and get my passport stamped.

we ran into a lot of fog during our drive to mdi, but we were optimistic that the weather would be a little clearer on the island.

well, it was.....a little.

(photograph taken from an abandoned "observation deck" in bar harbor, maine)

most of the fog had lifted, but it was still rainy and nasty and hard to see much of fact, i got pretty wet trying to take this picture at one of the park entrances:

the trip was strangely reminiscent of another national park trip, back in november 2004.....

any guesses?

nope- not yellowstone...

not the rockies.....

yep- believe it or not, the grand canyon's around here somewhere....

our first view of the inner canyon

the first part of the hike (on the hermit trail) was at a bit of an angle, but this section was an easy stroll.

the colorado river, day two of the hike

this picture does not do the tree justice

i should know the name of this formation, but, sadly, i have not a clue

looking back on day three, as we hiked back out of the canyon

Monday, December 26, 2005

scroll down- my last one was funnier

i was all set to settle in and post a few pictures, but the wireless setup at mama's school and my computer are not friends, and this high-quality machine i'm currently using....well...let's just say i'm better off updating random photos from home.

which reminds me- i did, indeed, get a present from my secret admirer, sigmund. (check out the sidebar for the backstory.)

i'm pleased to report that about half of my holiday cards are finished, about half of my avon pile has been entered into my computer, and i even found time to watch a little tv last night (the carol burnett reunion special from last do i love tim conway? let me count the ways...., as well as a couple of episodes of law & order.)

okay, enough of an update- especially since it's not up to my usual standards of entertainment. besides, leftover holiday lasagna and a blueberry cream soda are calling my name.....

Saturday, December 24, 2005

do i get extra frequent flyer miles for this?

hello from maine. have you ever landed on an unplowed runway? it was only a small part of yesterday's adventure in the air.....and one of the better parts, at that.

somewhere, in the recesses of my inbox, i have a copy of that letter that was written awhile back to one of the airlines by a very disgruntled passenger who was fortunate enough to wind up seated across from the airplane bathroom.

i now understand completely.

the trip to the airport yesterday was pretty uneventful, and i managed to get my tickets without much incident- despite never actually finding my official itinerary, which i'm sure will be the first thing i spot upon my return to kansas city columbia. (i've traveled a little too much lately. i figure it'll take me a couple of months to figure out whether i'm coming or going.) i even made it through security pretty easily...well, after i got out of line and retrieved the polo sweatshirt i'd dropped down the hall. contrary to what i was told, not every passenger was getting the full pat down. (to be perfectly honest, i was a little disappointed- i mean, what's a girl gotta do to get felt up these days?)

anyway, i set up camp near an outlet (the better to charge my computer, my dear) and commenced entering avon orders into the computer. (i'm trying to reduce the piles at home while on vacation. it's part of my "getting organized during avon downtime" kick.)

anyway, we finally boarded about forty five minutes later, and as i waddled down the aisle with my worldly possessions, i double-checked my ticket against the row numbers. there were thirteen rows on the plane, yet i was seated in row 14. just as i was about to turn around and ask the stewardess if i should've grabbed a ladder and set up camp on the tail, i realized there was no thirteenth row.

i guess the folks at delta were a little superstitious.

after stowing my backpack and claiming my window seat (yes, i could actually look out the window, doug), i noticed we were right across from the throne. this was also pointed out by the stewardess, who cheerfully told my seatmate and me not to worry if the door opened during takeoff, as "it's a little loose".

i'm not worried about takeoff...i'm worried about sitting down for a quick "meeting in the office" and suddenly finding myself meeting with...well, other people.

thank goodness i followed mama's advice and went before leaving home.

the door remained stable during takeoff, but we weren't so lucky during landing.

i'd always thought that complaint letter was a little harsh, but now i understand. it's been so long since my last trip to an airplane bathroom that i'd forgotten that they generally aren't rose-scented, but assuming everyone flushes, it shouldn't be a terribly big deal, right?

after the door flew open during landing, i could only come to the conclusion that someone didn't flush...and, since the only person brave enough to use the bathroom the entire flight was the stewardess.......

but, perhaps my thinking was a little clouded by the green fog. i thought about having a brief discussion on the matter with my seatmate, but he was too busy using his shirt to filter the air, and talking would have required me to actually breathe, which i was trying desperately not to do.

in some odd way, sitting next to the screaming baby on my second flight was a vast improvement.

sibling arrives today. i'm sure my flight story will top hers...absolutely. sure. of. it.

Friday, December 23, 2005

have i told you lately.... much i hate automated phone systems? i mean, really. is it too much to ask that delta's computer pass me over to a representative the first or second time i ask, instead, of still insisting upon taking down more information, even after i've begun hissing my answers from between clenched teeth?

if i wanted to talk to you, you binary-code comprehending hunk of junk, i wouldn't have asked for a representative twelve no, wait, thirteen times.

that said, it's time for me to offer up my longest running holiday tradition. even before i figured out how to carefully slice through scotch tape with a pocketknife and then reseal my presents, i have visited mama for christmas. for at least the last 8 years, this trip has been preceded by the annual "where the hell did i put my copy of the itinerary" hunt, followed by the time-honered last-minute panic call to mama to beg her to send me another copy:

me: now, where the hell is that itinerary?

me: (tears apart bedroom)

me: (tears apart SO's bedroom, just in case i was reading it in bed or something and dropped it on the floor)

me: (tears apart living room)

me: (tears apart bathroom)

no, wait- that was when i was looking for a disposable razor to tame my forest of leg hair last night.

me: (frantically dials phone)

phone: *ring*

me: crap. i hope she's home.

phone: *ring*

me: did i look on the dining room table? maybe it's under that heap of expired coupons.

phone: *ring*

me: maybe the couch swallowed it.

phone: *ring*

mama: hello?

(mama is interrupted by...)

answering machine: hello. no one can come to the phone right now. please leave your name and phone number and shoe size after the beep.

me: hi, mama. hi, strange man. guess what?

mama: you can't find your itinerary?

answering machine: (sits there in awed silence, trying to figure out how on earth i can manage to lose the same darned thng year after year. finally gives up, emits a long, loud beep, and hangs up)

the rest of the call varies from year to year, and i don't rightly recall the rest of this year's version, mostly because i was tearing apart the refrigerator. (you know, just in case i figured leaving the itinerary someplace cold would remind me of maine.)

this year, not one, but two copies are lurking somewhere in this apartment. thank goodness i've finally come to understand the beauty of e-tickets.

i won't have any internet access in maine- can't get the moose to hold still long enough to attach the routers to their antlers. however, should the new brunswick welcome center be open..... (thing #12 i love about canada: free internet access at welcome centers.)

oh, and i know i'm terribly behind on my photos. i'll get caught up after vacation. after all, it's the holidays, dude.

have a happy one (or multiple, depending on which/how many you feel like celebrating). i'll be back in action by the first.....

dec 23rd edit: we will skip "sentence saturday" this week. go play with your kids or take care of that last-minute holiday shopping instead, okay?

Monday, December 19, 2005

in the holiday spirit.....

it's going to be a busy, busy week (cards to write, presents to wrap, mostly-packed suitcases to fill with fresh underwear/socks, and lots of work to undo the damage done to my credit card recently.....), but i have a little time to share some of the ol' holiday spirit.

first, before we start, this link should be fixed. if you click on it between 10am and 3pm est today, you should be able to hear me filling in for our regular midday girl. hopefully i'm not too much of an assault on the ears.

here's the list i found to talk about today. by sharing some of these with you, i figure i'm performing a public service.

got any other good lines? leave 'em in the comments- i'm running out of things to say about some of the treasures that have been bestowed upon me over the years.......

here are some other tips i found for dealing with bad presents from good people.

finally, here's a helpful test to determine if you're a bad gift giver.

and a few other mindless odds and ends:

Your Elf Name Is...

Grumpy Hot Chocolate

You Were Nice This Year!

You're an uber-perfect person who is on the top of Santa's list.
You probably didn't even *think* any naughty thoughts this year.
Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably been a little too good.
Is that extra candy cane worth being a sweetheart for 365 days straight?

and, appropriately:

You Are a Losing Lottery Ticket!

Full of hope and promise.
But in the end, a cheap letdown.

finally, i found this festive little time-waster.

hey- that could give me an excuse not to start scribbling xmas cards for at least another half an hour........

Sunday, December 18, 2005

the holiday rush, part two

if i put my "to do" list on here, i can pretend i'm blogging while actually accomplishing something- or is it the other way around?

i finally finished my holiday letter last weekend. i attempted to make copies of it yesterday, but that only led to heartbreak, frustration, and the overwhelming desire to reenact the fax machine scene from office space.

however, i managed to wrestle about ten copies from the jaws of the copy machine, which is approximately 1/12th of what i need. (no lectures about trimming the list, please- i like sending cards.)

so, unless i can convince the copy machine to see things my way and stop mangling my copies, i have an excuse to write no more than ten holiday cards. (hey, it's a start.)

also on the "to do" list today:

~figure out what the heck i want for christmas, which includes nothing here....not even the ram's head snuff mull. (i must admit, though, the wheels make it pretty tempting...)

~locate another pair of my bouncy adidas (women's a3 megaride in silver/blue) and purchase them before SO can....thwarting his evil plans. (well, not really evil- i just prefer to make things a little harder for him so he'll be forced to surprise me...)

~scribble on avon catalogs and add up my 2-week vacation from makeup, accessories, and trinkets can begin wednesday evening.

~call our engineer and get the radio station's streaming fixed, so you might actually be able to hear me between now and the holidays, instead of thinking i'm just being a tease.

~figure out what to get SO for christmas. so far, rejected possibilities include:

*sheryl crow

not happening because: lance armstrong could totally kick SO's ass.

*denise richards

not happening because: charlie sheen could totally kick SO's ass.

*shannon elizabeth

not happening because: her ex-husband could totally kick SO's ass.

*alyssa milano

not happening because: i'm not sure whether she's married or not, but even if she isn't, she could totally kick SO's ass. plus, he watches charmed enough to know that she knows witchcraft. (then again, maybe that's a turn-on.)

so, with those options thrown out, i'm left with sun devil gear, green corn tamales from his favorite restaurant, revenge of the sith, and one of these.

actually, that eagle/skull thing would be perfect for someone else i know. if you'll excuse me, i need to locate my credit card information. i think i'll need at least three.......

Saturday, December 17, 2005

sentence saturday #7

as kalani was kind enough to remind me (and what were you doing up that far past your bedtime, young lady?), it's sentence saturday once again.

thanks to stef, this week's first word is snogshonzz.

scroll through the comments to find yours.....

...oh, and while you're thinking of the perfect word to leave for someone else, you can listen to me online (yay! streaming!) from 10-3 est. i'll try not to screw up too many breaks.....

Friday, December 16, 2005

penny for your thoughts.....

i'm totally stealing this from penny.....though it's taken me a little while to get it posted. (feel free to put your answers down in "comments", or swipe this for your blog.....)

Friday's Feast
Name something you'll miss about 2005.
pat morita, don adams, frank gorshin, grandpa

What is one thought that went through your mind today?
"what on earth is this customer trying to order?"

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how compassionate would you say you are?
8, give or take two, depending on the situation

Main Course
If you could invent something, what would it be?
along penny's train of thought...self-cleaning dishes

Do you prefer salty snacks or sweet treats?
usually salty- when i get my braces off, i'm totally eating an entire bag of pistachios in one sitting.

Free Association

Stalker:: jodie foster
Outrageous:: jem
Carrying:: heavy thoughts
Spirited:: what i want to be when i (don't) grow up
Oh!:: d'oh!
Grid:: off the
Country:: adam ant
Karen:: three of my customers this time around
Candles:: ginger grapefruit....yummy
Relationship:: as solid as i hope it is?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

gasping for air

1. i'm alive
2. i'm up to my eyeballs in avon stuff...and trying to build up hours at work....and christmas stuff (if my cards are mailed by the first, they still count, right? maybe next year, i should get "merry belated christmas" cards instead.)
3. i think i'll be able to come up for air this weekend- earlier, if i'm lucky.

i will be so glad when the "holiday rush" is over.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

you searched for what??? (episode 14)

it's been a little while since i last dug deep into statcounter and fished out some of the truly odd searches that have led you here....mind if i share?

oh, happy day! i can add a silver medal to my collection- i'm #2 on google for stepped barefoot in glue. (really- who searches for these things?)

i am also pleased to report that big brother's watching me. i recently had a visit from
(U.s. Senate Sergeant At Arms)
District Of Columbia, Washington, United States, 0 returning visits
18th November 2005 04:40:54 PM

who is the senate sergeant at arms, anyway?

here's the thing, though: i scrolled through ten pages of results for this search, yet my blog is nowhere to be found. this is puzzling.....

on a musical note, someone recently found me by searching for
song no turkey for hurkey

it's okay- i'm not quite sure i understand it, either.

here's something else i don't understand- somehow, a search for not only leads to me, but leads to me first!


on a more musical note, i'm result #12 for catsuit buggles video.

i guess that means i'm practically an expert on the subject....though i'm afraid i can't answer any actual questions about the subject. now, eating bugles while wearing a catsuit is another matter- i'm all over that.

it's a short one this time, gang- these holiday cards don't write themselves, you know.....

arrghh...the holidays

i'm tinkering with my annual holiday letter- still.

i started writing it on my last plane trip, and finished it (sort of) before i got back to columbia.

however, it just doesn't seem as entertaining as in previous years.

i'm about five minutes away from making up hilarious anecdotes to spice things up.

6 p.m. edit: it's finished!(cue evil laugh)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

i see you, baby

shakin that thang, shakin that thang

man, whatever happened to groove armada?

a few things have shown up on my statcounter lately. i can only assume that means i've been added to thanks:

mr. g

and, last but not least, the lovely and talented kalani, who's a weekly supporter. (sort of like a favorite bra, minus the pokey underwire...)

i hope i didn't forget anyone....but if i did, feel free to yell at me in my comment section for this post.

tying up loose ends

it's going to be one of those multitasking sorts of more post to add from my trip, christmas cards to write (at least 30 today, i swear!), catalogs to scribble on, words to make up.....

which reminds me, it's saturday, isn't it?

this week's first word is otjgo. scroll through the comments to find yours.....

Friday, December 09, 2005

did i do that?

some days, my klutziness knows no bounds.

i knew it wasn't exactly going to be the best of days this morning, as i got naked, turned on the water, stumbled into the shower, and proceeded to put the ultra-drying facial mask all over my dry,tangly hair. (i was trying for the deep conditioner, as instead of my haircut making the tangles more managable, it seems to be creating more tangles for me to manage. i swear about two fistfuls of hair are sitting in the trash can in the women's restroom at one end of the "d" concourse of the atlanta airport. but i digress....)

anyway, i quickly caught my error, rinsed my hair, and wandered, still dripping, to my still-packed suitcase to retrieve my conditioner. (and no, it didn't wind up on my face, either. i was fully awake by that point.)

the rest of the day went by fairly uneventfully. i folded laundry. i vacuumed the floors. i fed the dog. i kicked the dog out when he came after my food. i put my left foot through the bathroom ceiling. i made croissant-wrapped hot dogs. i babysat the kids.

yeah, you read that right.

there i was, vacuuming the floor, when the phone rang. a couple minutes later, i heard the fax machine sound its distress was out of paper. after searching for paper in the office, it dawned on me that there was probably a box upstairs. i walked across the rafters to the virgin box of paper, grabbed a ream, and headed back downstairs.

i almost wound up taking the express route.

paper in hand, i walked back across the rafters, planting my left foot on footlong 2" by 4" piece of wood.

which slipped.

now, i've done this sort of thing before, over the garage, but apparently the ceiling there is reinforced slightly more, as suddenly, a fair bit of my left leg was dangling, and when i pulled it up, i could very clearly see the brand new scale on the recently-redesigned bathroom floor.

oh shit.

unfortunately, things didn't look much better from downstairs.

slightly panicked, but mostly embarrassed by my inability to carry on daily life without occasionally wrecking stuff, i did the rational thing.

when mama finished chuckling, she reassured me that "these things happen".

to whom? how many of you have inadvertantly altered the structural integrity of a freaking ceiling with your foot?

so yes, these things happen, but probably only to 1 out of every 100 people.

to the other 99 of you: you're welcome.

at any rate, while mama was being utterly reassuring (if there's reassurance to be found in laughter so hard one swears the laugher is doubled over and turning red from giggle-induced overexertion), i wandered out to the garage, grabbed the ladder (yes, the same one that took out a light fixture a couple of months ago), hauled it back to the bathroom, and set about the task of patching things up as best i could.

as you can see, my best wasn't very good:

...but that's okay, as i believe the lesson on "amateur ceiling repair" will follow next week's lesson on "walking across rafters".

surely bob vila learned the tricks of the trade an easier way.....

Thursday, December 08, 2005

my inner child

when in doubt, answer a few questions and throw up a couple of cute pictures.....

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences.
You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary!
New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with.
Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

this one's in tribute to the rabbit i think i slightly smushed with my car a couple weeks ago.

kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

finally, it looks like using the purity test as a checklist in college didn't make me nearly as slutty as anticipated (ok, so i didn't actually get that far on the list, but still....):

so, how slutty are you?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

i'm ba-ack!

i survived sub-zero temperatures in wyoming and colorado and made it back home a couple of hours ago. i need to post about both yesterday and today, but one look at my inbox tells me that the avon order will be monopolizing my evening.

however, i wrote while i was away, and if you scroll down, you'll see the posts. (there are a couple, but you'll have to bear with me, as it'll take a little time to get photos added to one of them.) i'll also try to get random photos updated, as well- but it may take me a day or two to get caught up.

Monday, December 05, 2005

20,000 words

so much to write about, but sometimes it’s best to just let the pictures say a couple thousand words for me instead.

i want to be this fantastic when i’m 84.

while the original plan was to drive over to ft. laramie , which is 10 miles away from lingle, wyoming (population 510), norma and i wound up driving to scotts bluff, nebraska, instead. after a meal at the local chinese buffet and a stop at the doctor’s office, we wandered over to the national park, where i picked up not one, not two, but five cancellations on my national park passport.

there’s a road to the top of the bluff, as well as hiking trails throughout the park, but at a whopping 19 degrees, neither norma nor i had any interest whatsoever in exploring either option. (besides, it’ll leave something to accomplish next time.)

on the way home, we stopped at the rock shop between torrington and lingle. my last visit was at least 13 years ago, and i made up for lost time by purchasing just over $100 worth of rocks. (keep in mind, that $80 of it was comprised of a pair of australian opals destined to become a pair of earrings as soon as i have time and money to chase down a trustworthy jeweler.)

while i'm posting pictures, remember those billboards i told you about?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

the most boring post on earth

i know you folks are on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear how i spent my day. (okay, maybe not, but i was bored and felt like blogging instead of working on my holiday letter, and if i don’t post this, i’ll feel like i haven’t accomplished anything today. note: all times are eastern standard, as i have yet to reset my watch.

8:00 a.m.: alarm goes off. wake up to soulful sounds of “back here” by bb mak. make mental note to switch cd to something- anything- else, then nudge SO so he’ll roll over and hit “snooze”. 8:09 a.m.: snooze
8:18 a.m.: snooze
8:25 a.m.: neither snooze nor get out of bed.
8:45 a.m.: call credit card company while SO sucks up hot water in the shower like a damned sponge.
8:50 a.m.: wander into shower. note, with great joy, that water is actually pretty warm.
9:00 a.m.: begin detangling hair
9:05 a.m.: say “screw it”, spray on detangler, and hope for best.
9:07 a.m.: put on half dried jeans (because this particular pair makes my butt look fantastic.) and dig through closet for shirt and socks.
9:07:30 a.m.: locate both cookie monster socks and long-sleeved cookie monster shirt. decide the combination is brilliant.
9:08 a.m.: remember weather in wyoming is supposed to be “colder than a well-digger’s ass”. put on polo sweatshirt.
9:09 a.m.: put on midweight coat while sprinting out door and yelling at SO to do the same. (for the record, he was ready first.)
9:12 a.m.: stop for gas. begin to fret that plane might be missed.
9:14-10:20 a.m.: flip around the radio dial while SO flies down highway toward charlotte. (the tickets were over $100 cheaper than flying out of columbia, which i generally how it works out.) make SO suffer through “kyrie” and “all i need is a miracle”...while singing along.
10:20 a.m.: SO misses desired exit. try not to scream as he takes next exit, turns around, and gets back onto freeway to correct this error.
10:30 a.m.: jump out of car. utter unbecoming words as suitcase refuses to exit the vehicle. tell SO to circle around a couple of times- just in case. forget to utter sweet nothings before closing car door.
10:32 a.m.: tickets in hand, strip naked at security check, then redress and sprint to departure gate, hoping to catch flight.
10:40 a.m.: arrive at gate in time to board plane. listen to disc two of depeche mode’s greatest hits 86<98
12:10 p.m.: after finishing depeche mode cd, plug headphones in to listen to airline-provided xm radio. flip channels and settle on station playing “blue monday”. resist urge to sing along.
12:15 p.m.: also resist urge to sing along to “strip”. instead, concentrate on picturing warpainted adam ant trying to convince me to disrobe.
12:20 p.m.: arrive in atlanta to find my sibling waiting for me. note, with some small sense of dismay, that freud is nowhere to be found.
12:21-12:30 p.m.: wander to one of those typically tourist-trinket filled shops so i could snap a few photos of the gnomes with a bunch of atlanta stuff (state #33 for bodhi), and then head back down the hall to our gate.

or so we thought.

12:30:30 p.m.: note, with horror, that above the desk, under “flt 301: denver 1:35 p.m.”, was a word sure to drive stress into the heart of any traveler: “cancelled”. also note that representatives are nowhere to be found...unless one counts the airline representatives trying every trick in the book to convince stranded travelers that they really should sign up for an airline credit card because, after all, “you’ll get a free ticket”.
12:35 p.m.: after waiting for someone to appear at customer service desk, give up and walk to another gate in search of answers.
12:36 p.m.: assure cute airline representative that the delay is not an inconvenience, as one really would rather not fly on a plane suffering from some sort of “electrical malfunction”. (didn’t buddy holly board one of those?)
12:40 p.m.: new boarding passes in hand, begin trek to terminal d.
12:50 p.m.:leave bags with sibling and take place in quizno’s line. order enough food for small third world country...or self.
1:00 p.m.-3:15 p.m.: set up camp (and computers) at outlet near departure gate. attempt to finish holiday letter. wonder why words just don’t seem to flow like they did last year. while thinking, scope area for cute fellow travelers of the male persuasion. find none. determined to talk to cute male, call SO to utter belated sweet nothings.
3:16 p.m.: take seat next to grumpy guy who doesn’t want to switch seats with sibling. (grumpy guy is not the least bit attractive, despite his blue eyes- plus, he’s grumpy.)
3:18 p.m.; sibling disappears, then reappears with stewardess, who asks woman with ticket for seat next to sibling’s if she’d mind switching seats.
3:18:30 p.m.: climb into sibling’s old window seat. resolve to upgrade her belated birthday gift as “thank you” for giving up window seat.
3:19 p.m.: look out window. notice loose screw on engine. close window.
3:20 p.m.- 4:45 p.m.: doze off while waiting to hear those magic words- “the use of approved electronic devices is now permitted.”
4:45 p.m.: wake up to sweet sounds of beverage cart. pop in ready, sex, go by the marvelous 3 as a tribute to atlanta. resolve to purchase frame for poster signed by butch walker at their farewell concert 4 ½ years ago.
4:46 p.m.: realize that, yes, it has been that long.
5:00 p.m.- 7:00 p.m. contemplate finishing holiday letter. decide to work on evening’s blog entry instead while sibling watches mona lisa smile. (i would’ve watched it, too, except i’m not in the mood for anything even remotely serious. besides, i really like this cd.)
5:51 p.m.: reopen window. screw still loose, but at least it’s still there.
6:45 p.m.: notice grumpy guy is wearing viagra hat. suddenly, it’s all so clear. i’d be grumpy if i had to wear a viagra hat in public, too.
7:20 p.m.: land at denver airport. think of half of a great analogy: “ a fart in a train car.”
7:21-7:32 p.m.: try to think of other half of brilliant analogy. get distracted by sight of favorite billboards in airport.
7:32-7:45 p.m. slowly make way to baggage claim after meeting up with rest of family. ignore laughter while stopping to photograph those billboards, various gnomes with several of airport’s fine features.
8:00 p.m.: while waiting for aunt to retrieve rental car, fire up computer in the hopes that there will be some sort of wi-fi access at denver airport.
8:05 p.m.: no wi-fi? dammit. guess this’ll be a late post.......

have i ever told you.... i simply cannot stand automated menus?

okay, i have to finish packing now so i can be only slightly late to my plane.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

strike that off the list...

so far this morning, i've managed to update random photos, as well as get some of bodhi's new photos resized. before i go any further with that, i really should kick off the latest edition of sentence saturday. (if you're new, follow that last link.)

the first word this week is jakeldrorf.

scroll through the comments to find your word, and please don't forget to leave a new word for the next participant.

...but girls don't really poop, do they?

you know how sometimes you're in a public bathroom, doing something particularly unladylike, and someone else walks in, and suddenly, you panic? i mean, there you were, minding your own business, suffering through the zesty cuisine you had the evening before (i mean really- it didn't smell like that the night before.), and suddenly there's a witness to your dastardly deeds. suddenly, you're faced with a terrible dilemma- something i like to call "the clash complex"- as in, "should i stay, or should i go?"

do you make a run for it while the other person is attending to matters of their own, or do you just sit there until you hear them wash their hands (one hopes) and leave?

for once, dear readers, it was the other person who was hiding...not i.

Friday, December 02, 2005

uh oh.

it's happened.

the first holiday card arrived in the mail today.

guess that means i'd better get crackin' on this holiday letter of mine.....

....after i update random photos and scribble on about 80 avon catalogs while at work tomorrow, of course.

i will be so happy when this pace slows down a bit......

Thursday, December 01, 2005

deep thoughts

a few random thoughts i've had recently:

~are there strip clubs at nudist colonies?
~why have the various hits (and cover songs)of l.a. guns been running through my head for the past two hours?
~whatever happened to digital underground?
~are zebras color blind?
~what do i want for christmas? (just in case i'm asked)

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

i so rock!

i don't have time for anything long, fun and frivolous, but i feel the need to point out just how much i rock.

with very little notice, i scored not only plane tickets for myself to denver on sunday (because little towns like lingle, wyoming, don't have airports), but also managed to get tickets for the flight out of atlanta (as well as the return flight from denver to atlanta) for my sibling as well.

you may now bow before me, but i'd advise against kissing my feet. i didn't wear socks today.

now, back to the massive avon order i need to total, bag, and scribble catalogs for so i can get my ducks in a row for this trip.

i need something...

fun and frivolous to post. let me think for a little while and come back to this.......

early a.m. phone call

grandpa's gone. according to daddy, he went peacefully around 4 a.m. this morning. the current theory is that he was hanging on long enough to make it back to his apartment. (personally, i just think it's a little freaky....i said several times that i figured he'd go today....because, as i recall (and will have to double-check) our other grandpa died the day after my birthday.)

okay, had to get that out....time for a little more sleep.

p.s.- a pet peeve: on this computer, the little windows for date and time don't show up. argh.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

up, up and away

this is my first post composed on an airplane. (have i mentioned how much i’m digging my new toy yet? unfortunately, i do not dig whatever feature on my word processor is responsible for automatically capitalizing things. however, i have an hour and a half to figure out how to disable it.)

anyway, i feel compelled to write this for several reasons:

reason one: my plane won’t land in columbia until around 11:30 p.m., which means i won’t get home until well after midnight- especially if my bags don’t magically appear at the baggage claim by approximately 11:45.

reason two: i have an hour and a half to kill- and i plowed through the latest issues of both details and self in record time, during my last flight.

reason three: otherwise, i might actually have to write my holiday letter during this flight.

reason four: i had a really good layover, and need to start typing before the phrase “cougar bar” eludes me.

one moment, please, while i figure out where to begin…and de-capitalize a few things……….[insert stimulating “hold” music here- i’m thinking perhaps the muzak version of “head like a hole”, personally]

so after waking up this morning to a call from my sibling (i assume she wanted to make sure her birthday was remembered….and, oh, sibling….just you wait. i’ve got a little something up my sleeve, just won’t have the time to construct a proper tribute before the weekend), i lounged in bed for about an hour and a half and polished off the one book i brought along on my trip. (not the best book i’ve read all year, but decent enough to spend an hour and a half with.)

after finishing the book and stumbling upstairs for a shower, i reemerged to the news that, despite dad’s threats to put it away for the winter last evening, the miata was out in the driveway and ready to play.

woo-freakin’ hoo!

so, where do i take this lovely little sportscar? to the hospital, of course. (grandpa was moved back to his apartment this afternoon.) i had time to waste after my arrival, so the miata (i wonder if, like the rest of the family cars, it has a name) and i drove over to this giant shopping area near dad’s house so i could return a pair of jeans that wasn’t exactly constructed for my body. oh…and we picked up a few things at Victoria’s secret, which means those evil bras at home with the roaming underwires are as good as gone..

so anyway, that taken care of, the miata and i headed back to the hospital, then to the apartment to get grandpa settled and tell him goodbye.

back at the house, i took care of most of my packing in about five minutes, then daddy and i hopped into the car (sadly, not the miata), and headed to the store for the holiest of grails- jeans that fit.

three pairs and a sweatshirt later (brace yourself- there’s pink on it), we headed back home, where more worldly possessions were tossed into bags, and kathie and i headed off to the airport, while daddy headed back to the apartment to get this whole hospice care thing straightened out.

half an hour (and the near abandonment of a gnome) after arriving at the airport, i wandered onto the packed airplane. Since i now have three carry-ons (backpack, computer, and camera), i was a little uneasy when i realized that my window seat at the back of the plane featured what was quite possibly the smallest under-the seat storage area on the whole damned plane. however, i inherited the ability to stuff things into small spaces (thanks, mama), and i managed to stuff both my computer and backpack into that tiny little space, and then sort of hid my camera bag next to my leg so a cranky stewardess wouldn’t yell at me for having something unsecured. i also managed to impress the friendly canadian guy (who I’ll call “herb” for posting purposes) sitting in the aisle.

i don’t normally talk to other people on airplanes, mostly because 99% of the time, i wind up sitting next to either a self-absorbed female and/or a screaming child (it’s a gift, what can i say?) but herb and i began chatting about the various merits of kansas city, where we were from, where we were headed, et cetera…until he came along. Just when I figured we’d wind up with an empty seat between us, this big dude comes strolling down the aisle…all the way back to our row. okay…that conversation was pretty much over at that point. i dove into my magazines (to the person who had 21 f after me- you’re welcome), herb tried to catch a few winks, and the dude in the middle commenced coughing up phlegm and wiggling around so that we could all enjoy the faint smell of smoke emanating from his clothing.

the beverage service came around, and i switched from my usual bloody mary mix (i like tomato juice with a little kick) to cranberry juice, which sent the stewardess scurrying for ice after apologizing for my half-empty can. around this time, i noticed herb was awake and looking a little bored, so i breezed through details (no articles from augusten burroughs or anderson cooper this time- what’s up with that?), and passed it over to him.

the favor was returned several fold when he bought me dinner over at burger king during our layover. (the veggie burger’s surprisingly tasty, by the way.) of course, I was too busy talking to eat…..sometimes that happens.
oh- i really should mention a little piece of musical trivia i learned tonight. i knew love and rockets was formed by members of bauhaus, but had never really looked into the specifics of that little tidbit. herb enlightened me- everyone except peter murphy was in love and rockets. i never knew. (i’d never realized peter murphy was in bauhaus either, so i guess i’m still not ready to go up against mark mcgrath in musical jeopardy……maybe one day.)

anyway, herb and i wandered all over the detroit airport, found his gate (which was on the way to mine), where he learned of the postponement of his flight home), then mine, talking all the while.

you’ll love this part.

when we got to my gate, i walked up to the desk to inquire about my flight- make sure i was in the right place and whatnot, as i’d really rather wind up in columbia tonight, instead of…say…the bahamas. (that’s only because i don’t have a bathing suit packed, though.) not thirty seconds after i was assured that i was, in fact, in the right place, the airline representative i’d just spoken to gets on the loudspeaker and says that my flight will be departing from a gate at the other end of the earth.


there's about another half hour worth of conversation left to relate, but since the plane's touching down soon, let me summarize:

~cougar bars
~the perils of washington, dc after dark
~various sitcoms we know and love
~my life story, parts 12 and 13

yeah, that pretty much covers it. now, wanna place a bet on how long it's going to take to locate my luggage?

Monday, November 28, 2005

i think, therefore i am

fifteen random thoughts

1. i think i figured out the main reason why i love taco john's so much: their shells are crispy, but not too thick. (i had two today.)
2. i bet those snow/leaf photos i took are going to look really cool, especially the ones i took with the pentax.
3. i wonder if the x-ray machines in the airport fried the 800-speed film i didn't realize was in the bottom of my camera bag until yesterday.
4. wait a minute- i saw the eighth edition of the billboard book of top 40 hits. i have the sixth edition at come no one told me about the updates?
5. owwwww!!!! note to self: next time, let the hot chocolate cool a little longer.
6. i wonder if there will be enough snow for me to play in tomorrow.
7. why don't more 27 year olds play in the snow?
8. i forgot to call a handful of people i meant to get together with during this visit, but if i told them how i've been spending most of my time, i think they'd understand.
9. crap! christmas letter! i really need to do something about that.
10. did grandpa recognize me today?
11. i wonder who those people were in the old photos in his apartment.
12. man, this is one nice-looking little computer....and i really should be working on that christmas letter.
13. i need to brush up on my french.
14. i need to go brush my teeth.
15. where am i going to find the photos needed for a suitable birthday tribute to my sibling?

Sunday, November 27, 2005

a letter to grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

Daddy came home tonight after visiting you at the hospital and said that you've spent most of the day screaming that you "can't do it". I know it must be scary as hell to have an active mind inside a dying body, but Grandpa, I'm afraid there isn't any way to keep the cancer from winning this battle. It's already in your lungs, your bladder, and probably a few other places the doctor's have yet to find, and there's nothing that can be done to take it away.

I know you're in pain. I could hear it the other night when I called over to the hospital to see if Daddy was still in your room with you. At first, I thought maybe the screams I heard were from someone out in the hallway, but then I realized they were your screams. How Grandma Lucile can keep it together while listening to you in such pain is beyond me. (I'm sure when no one's looking, she sheds quite a few tears....just as i did the first time i saw you curled up in your hospital bed, small and vulnerable like a person at the other end of their lifespan.)

It's okay to let go of the pain, Grandpa. Only after you let go of yours can we let go of ours.


Your eldest granddaughter

Saturday, November 26, 2005

shiny and new

i've done it. i've finally broken down and joined the 21st century and purchased a new toy. it's something owned by most people i know, but i'm sure mine's prettier, if not better than most.

(no- i still refuse to buy a cell phone.)

okay- done bragging- i bought myself a laptop. i've scrimped and saved lately, so when i saw this little beauty at best buy the other day, i figured "why not?"

(the only reason you don't see this little beauty yet is that photoshop won't get loaded onto it until i get back home....)

guess this means i have one less excuse for not having my holiday letter done yet.

sentence saturday #5

forgive me for the late start this week....somehow going to bed seemed like a better idea than firing up the computer in the wee hours of the morning.

if you're a new participant, read this first.

otherwise, go ahead and scroll down to the last comment to find your word.

the first word this week is striflet.

Friday, November 25, 2005

family and freezing temps

i meant to post this last night- really i did. however, i had a little too much turkey (preferable to the "little too much wine" of yesteryear) and fell asleep.

isn't that a better excuse than "i was up late messing with avon and got so frustrated at being unable to enter the website that, had i not shut the laptop down, it would have been sent flying across the room"? it is- i know it.

at any rate, here's a quick rundown of yesterday, as i have to hop into the shower soon, and head out on a couple of super-secret missions with daddy:

-wake up at 6:30, after 5 hours of sleep. finish packing, shoo SO into shower (he takes really looooong showers), try to figure out what i've forgotten to pack.

-double-check discman to ensure that i have an adequate battery supply. dig up more batteries. decide it would be too much trouble to swap out cds....besides, the basics are covered (depeche mode, duran duran, inxs, marvelous 3, billy idol, et cetera.)

-hop in shower, get dressed, head to airport.

-fuss at SO for dropping a bomb right before i leave town (he loves doing this...i'd love to take off my shoe and beat him with it, but he'd probably like that, too.)

-grab quick overpriced meal at airport, then tell SO goodbye.

-find seat in waiting area near three year old with exremely passive parents. (there wasn't anywhere else to sit.)

-fantasize about beating three year old child with her baby bottle, just like she's doing to the window by my head. marvel at how parents just sit there...not saying a word. also marvel at how anyone can see logic in still giving their three year old child a full-blown baby bottle.

-board plane 20 minutes late. notice that three year old child (still clutching bottle) is two rows back. hope she'll sleep on flight.

-realize there's also a baby in seat behind me.....because of the screaming.

-arrive in detroit airport after a vomitrotious landing. feel relief that i did not toss my cookies, though that landing was so -ahem- rough i figured for sure i'd need that little paper bag.

-marvel at the psychadelic sort of walls in the tunnel between terminals. (of course, by "marvel at", i mean "take pictures of".)

-set bodhi and guest on fountain in terminal and take pictures. note approving smiles from crowd.

-board plane on time.

-realize i'm in an exit row. take pictures with legs fully outstretched. hope i don't have to fulfill any of those "exit row duties"

-hear announcement offering trail mix for $1. begin munching on cool ranch munchies mix from home. finish 2/3 of bag, minus the pretzels.

-turn bag over during 30 minute wait for takeoff.

-"eight servings, my ass!"

-well, those pretzels are pretty big.

-scribble out really belated (we're talking months, folks) birthday cards after finally taking off.

-arrive in kansas city. note, with horror, that daddy's 27 year old (at least) moustache is gone.

side note: every time i come home, daddy has shaved off more hair. i find this incredibly unsettling, and sincerely fear for the safety of his arm hair.

-daddy shares his fondness for mp3s....which his miata is not capable of playing.

-offer to skip flight home and take miata.

-i think there may have been some sort of agreement there. woo-hoo!

-head home- walk in the door to find at least 20 people in house. say hello to beloved grandma, then hide.

-disappear with dad on post-dinner whipped-cream run.

-see ghost of boyfriends past at first gas station. (i swear it was him- he even got the same odd smile he always used to upon seeing me out of the corner of his eye.)

-wonder whether the chick with him was a girlfriend- or a wife.

-find whipped cream at k-mart, of all places.

-head home with said whipped cream. resist urge to spray it on random foodstuffs.

-while supervising the cleaning up of leftovers, get hit on by stepsister's girlfriend (i think).

-contemplate making a shirt that says "i like penises."

-collect grandma, and go to hospital to see grandpa.

-cry upon seeing grandpa reduced to a pathetic shell of former self.

-head home and call jamie, partner in crime. make plans to hang out friday afternoon/evening.

-drive with daddy and grandma to the plaza (the ritzy shopping district in downtown kansas city) to see christmas lights. hop out of car, walk two blocks, and take several pictures.

-decide it's too damned cold to be outside- head back to car.

-upon return home, realize house keys are still in south carolina.

-using daddy's spares, get into house and call SO to give him rundown of day.

-find out SO's dad had a medical emergency.

-feel quite badly about not being in arizona with him.

-call SO's mom. find out she has a very good friend with medical emergency.

-conclude that november is a crappy month for family. (aside from anniversary and sibling's birthday, of course.)

-dodge steprelatives on way to computer.

-contemplate blogging, decide avon probably needs to be taken care of first.

-call computer many unflattering names when avon site does not open.

-too tired to blog, resolve to get up early, finish order and blog.

-crawl into bed for 8 hours of sleep. (do you have any idea when the last time i managed that feat was? let's just say, it's been a while....)

okay- on with my day. i'll be back later to post pictures/adjust this for maximum humor.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

so much to do, so little to say.....

ever have so much on your mind that you wind up staring at the screen, trying to figure out whether to get it all out, or simply click the little "x" in the top right corner and call it a night?

i am so there right now.

before i leave for kansas city tomorrow morning, there's laundry to be done.

so far, it looks like i need to see about a dark load, a red load, and a third load consisting of my warmest bras (gel filled- i once badmouthed women who wore them- flet it was cheating- i have since seen the light, especially since those little suckers warm up to body temperature...which means not only do i look busty, but i can wear a relatively thin t-shirt in winter and not be accused of impersonating loni anderson), and a few other "delicates" for future use here at home.

before i leave for kansas city in the morning, there's clothing to be packed.

it's supposed to reach 68 degrees here in south carolina. at last check, the high in kansas city is predicted to be about 25 degrees less. this means several things:

1. i should have saved the "sweater boobs" for this week's hnt (which, by the way, will be posted...somewhere. just haven't figured out where yet. if you don't find it here, try photos, which i'll be updating while the laundry does its thing)

2. t-shirts: out, wool sweaters: in

3. i might actually get to see some snow before christmas. (rain is more likely, though)

4. no more slacking on the purchase of new/un-holy jeans. point me toward the nearest polo display, please.

5. where's my baby blue down jacket? i sincerely hope i didn't leave it up in maine last christmas.

before i leave for kansas city in the morning, there's avon to be ordered.

not finalized, mind you, but i would like to get most of the order taken care of so i don't have to worry about it tomorrow night, when i'd much rather be ice skating (aka "landing repeatedly on my butt while everyone else glides around crown center gracefully").

before i leave for kansas city in the morning, there's a long list of items to be located/packed.

*bodhi- check
*girl gnome i'm kidnapping (with permission)- check
*new gnome for jamie, whose last gnome is still lost in afghanistan- check
*cameras- check
*contacts- check
*glasses, in case my contacts are feeling uncooperative and i need to use my good camera- check
*national park passport, just in case i have time to travel- check
*blank birthday cards for the september-november birthdays i've missed- check
*journal, so i can begin construction always-hilarious christmas letter on the airplane- check

and a whole bunch of other stuff i'd better write down as i think of it, so i won't wind up stranded without deodorant, toothbrush, or bail money.

before i leave for kansas city in the morning, there are pictures to be uploaded.

i know, i know- i'm way behind on photos. i'll try to get that taken care of in the next four hours or so.

(besides, i'm sure i'll have some exciting kansas city photos to share with you- perhaps even while i'm gone.)

finally, something even i can't make a smartass comment about:

before i leave for kansas city in the morning, i have to prepare myself to see a grandparent in a very vulnerable state.

that is going to be the toughest part......

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

high fives all around!

i'm combining something i swiped from the angry snail with something lbseahag tagged me with:

ten years ago: i was writing a humor column for the high school newspaper.

five years ago: i was working roughly 85 hours a week, between four jobs. my fridays started 8:30 am, and didn't end until i got home at about 6:30 am saturday morning.

one year ago: i was getting ready to go hiking in the grand canyon.

yesterday, i: decided to buy SO "office space" (with flair, no less) for our anniversary.

five snacks i enjoy:
1. nachos
2. andy capp's hot fries
3. muchies mix- preferably cheddar flavor...i'll pass on the pretzels, though.
4. apples and cheese
5. beef jerky

five songs to which i know all the words:
1. "take on me"- aha
2. "new moon on monday"- duran duran
3. "i want you"- savage garden
4. "hey jealousy"- gin blossoms
5. "talk dirty to me"- poison

five things i would do with $100 million:
1. travel- a lot
2. buy mama a house in spain
3. stuff most of it into savings/bonds/cds
4. buy an island in a tropical, hurricane-free location
5. purchase land adjacent to the family farm in wyoming

five places to run away:
1. barcelona
2. mama's house
3. disneyworld
4. the grand canyon
5. p.e.i.

five bad habits:
1. i swear like a truckdriver
2. i'm a picker. among other things, i've been messing with the dry skin on my lower lip all day.
3. i procrastinate
4. i spend way too much time playing around with blog-related stuff (my blogs, other people's blogs, and i have a mild obsession with my statcounter...)
5. i'm blunt.

five things i like doing:
1. reading
2. writing
3. 'rithmetic road trips
4. taking pictures- and not just the quick little snapshots that wind up on the photo blog
5. picking other people's brains

five things i would never wear:
1. stiletto heels
2. a girdle
3. anything that set me back over $150 (and at that price, they'd better be some damn fine sneakers/doc martens)
4. patent leather anything (though hot topic used to have some i coveted...but i'm not built quite right to pull off that look.)
5. hard rock cafe baltimore shirt (i just can't do it)

five favorite tv shows:
tv? who has time for tv?
1. the a team
2. law & order
3. my name is earl
4. alf
5. the monkees

five biggest joys in my life:
what kind of touchy-feely question is this? *cringes*

five favorite toys:
1. does my tennis racquet count?
2. darth tater (guess what i got yesterday..along with the "office space"?
3. how about games? i could give you a whole list of board games....muppet monopoly, scrabble, yahtzee, careers, 80s edition trivial pursuit
4. theodore, a teddy bear i've had since infancy
5. a stuffed piglet i've had since high school

let's see...who to tag? how about kal, raven, mossy, larry, sibling, minta, and my old roomie?

Monday, November 21, 2005

just an old fashioned love song.....

i've spent the entire day trying to figure out what sort of post to construct this evening. i thought about going the "mushy tribute" route, but then i started to that was quickly ruled out.

i contemplated posting my favorite picture of SO, but:

1. the scanner and i are not the best of friends
2. there are a few people i wish to keep blissfully ignorant about SO's identity
3. since i haven't scribbled in my paper journal in months, i'm not exactly sure of its (and therefore, the picture's) current location.

so, i'm up to plan "c"- share a memorable, love-related, humorous anecdote that somehow involves both of us:

would you like to hear it? here it goes.... (sorry- in living color flashback.)

my second year working at the preschool, i was paired with a barry white fan. i don't recall exactly how barry came up, but for some reason, every time "you're the first, the last, my everything" came on, the radio was turned up.

i know, i know...what does this have to do with love, right?

somewhere in the piles in my room, i have an article about the mysterious powers of barry white. if i had enough money to cover it, i'd almost be willing to bet that about a quarter of my readership was conceived to the soulful sounds of barry. (mama, daddy- i'd really rather not know- thanks.) anyway, in this article, a group of stubbornly celibate sharks were being exposed to several of barry white's more inspiring hits....though i can't recall whether or not the experiment worked. (note: while i'm too lazy to chase down the original article, here's one google just plopped into my lap.)

anyway, back to the song. i first heard it on the money talks soundtrack, and to this day, i cannot listen to it without picturing chris tucker belting it out while driving around in a convertible. so between that mental picture, and repeated exposure to it in the classroom, i began to really like the darned song.

in fact, i liked it so much that when it came on the radio one afternoon as i drove over to SO's place on my lunch break, i left the car running with the song turned up, got out of the car, closed the door, ran over to the passenger side (still singing along, mind you), grabbed what i needed out of the seat, locked and shut the door, ran back to the driver's side to get my keys as the song was ending, and realized i'd locked my damned keys in the car...with it running.

to make matters even worse, the song had changed, and now the minnie riperton song that makes my skin crawl was blasting out of my car....and there was nothing i could do about it.

SO and i were not yet to the point where we had spare keys to each other's cars (but we most certainly were at that point the next day, when i had not one, not two, but three extra keys to my car made), so all we could do was call ford (i still had their free roadside assistance) and haul out a coathanger. (people wonder why i leave a window cracked- that's why. my car's not fancy enough for anyone else to swipe, but if i manage to oh, say, lock my keys in the car with it running, at least i can spend my time waiting for a knight in a shining rescue vehicle jabbing at the interior of my car with an untangled coathanger.)

by this time, things were getting serious- i'd come home for a nap, and my time was behind spent listening to a block of the very worst of the 70s. (i think it was a lunchtime theme or something that day.) looking back, perhaps i should have tried to poke at my stereo with the coathanger, but i was far too busy concentrating on looking like i knew what i was doing.

i had no luck. however, after giggling at my mad coathanger skills for a good ten minutes, SO (chivalrous sort that he is) offered to try.

two songs later (the block had ended and we were up to "she's a bad mama jama" which, had my keys not already been locked in my car, probably would have landed me in the same predicament...i love that song.) i was on the phone with ford again, telling them my keys had been rescued (that would make for an interesting parody of those annoying "onstar" commercials, wouldn't it? "help! my owner has locked me in the car and is forcing me to listen to "jammin' oldies"!) and that their help was no longer needed, but thanks.

and in case you're wondering, SO's willingness to stand next to a car blasting "the hustle" while poking at my lock with a coat hanger when he really should have been sleeping instead pretty much sealed the deal.

.....and i suppose, in some odd way, i have barry white to thank for that.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

something spicy

i'm not sure why, but for some reason, i've been thinking about the spice girls most of the morning.

no, wait- i know why.

after work yesterday, i babysat for one of my favorite families, so they could go out and enjoy this tiny little football game (in-state rivals). i had several hours on my hands after the kids went to bed, and i spent it catching up on my magazines, as well as reading a couple of people magazines that were laying around.

i am not a regular reader of people magazine, but i'll leaf through it if it's around, and i usually make it one of my frivolous airport purchases, just because i can kill 45 minutes-1 hour catching up on the lives of beautiful people.

anyway, i noticed something a little disturbing last night.

have you ever seen an issue of people magazine that didn't include victoria "posh spice" beckham?

me either.

out of all the spice girls, did you really think that posh would be the one we'd still hear about nearly ten years later? (i, for one, figured that after a solo album, playboy pictoral, and ambassadorship, we'd still hear about geri "sexy/ginger spice" halliwell on at least a bimonthly basis. sadly, america seems to be out of the loop on that one.)

which brings to mind something i found while digging for that link- it seems the spice girls were supposed to reunite for the july 2nd live 8 concert. (did anyone actually watch? i'll admit that, although i was glued to the original live aid concert, i didn't go out of my way to spend the day watching this latest incarnation.)

anyway, there i was this morning, driving to work, flipping through radio stations, and singing "wannabe", which i'm sure looked more than a little odd to the elderly couple who wound up stuck at not one, but two stoplights with me during my morning commute. (i should add that to my list: 201. i sing in the car, and i don't care how stupid i look doing it.)

"wannabe" hit the airwaves as i was heading off to college (better add that to my soundtrack), and i clearly recall digging for the lyrics to the song on the internet from the comfort of my dorm room. (i believe this was while evil ex-roommate #1 was out "acclimating herself to college life", by which i mean she was getting piss drunk and would be sleeping it off until at least 2pm the next day- but that's neither here nor there.)

snicker all you want, but the spice girls were hugely popular because girls saw themselves in them, and guys just....(how to narrowly sidestep a rather crude phrase?...) wanted to be with them.

i mean, the spice girls had it covered (or uncovered, as in sexy/ginger/solo spice's case):

~there was sweet, innocent emma "baby spice" bunton- the group's token blonde.
~there was always fashionable victoria "posh spice" adams, who wound up marrying the most famous soccer player in the world since pele.
~there were the two melanies- melanie "sporty spice" chisholm, and melanie "scary spice" brown
~and, of course, my favorite- the aforementioned geri "sexy/ginger/solo/ambassador spice" halliwell.

i'll freely admit to being a combination of at least three, and possibly four of the spices, and i think most women can find themselves in one or two of the spice girls- or is it the other way around?

it reminds me of the one and only time i went out to a bar/club/social establishment in kansas city- early in my college career, as i recall. the high point of the evening was seeing one of my college crushes out and about, but for some reason, i actually managed to refrain from following him around and pestering him. (uh, yeah- that would be considered a good thing.) the most interesting part of the evening was this guy we met who, suffice it to say, was attracted to my best friend, heather. (that happened all the damned time. it was a little frustrating for me then, but looking back now, i am quite okay with the way things turned out.)

when we first met don juan (his real name is long forgotten, as i had no reason to add him to the "kiss list", and therefore, i have no way to look it it matters anyway....), he wandered over to where heather and i were dancing with our friend livia, and struck up a conversation while demonstrating his minimalist style of dancing.

"you know what they say about groups of girls?"

(insert blank looks from us)

"in every group of girls, there's always a smart one, a sporty one, and a slutty one."


of course, this led to some discussion over who was who. to this day, heather claims i called her a slut, though i'm pretty sure i went with "sporty". then again, as i've already mentioned, guys were drawn to her....

he followed us back to our table, where we met up with friend #4, susan, who threw the "3 friends" theory out the window (since...well, she was number four), which led to more discussion about what the fourth sterotype would be. (somehow, i'd wound up with the "smart" label, so susan was clearly the odd one out. i can't recall what stereotype we settled on for her, though heather seems to recall that she tried unsuccessfully to strip me of my title.)

at the end of the evening, our new acquaintance asked heather and i if we could give him a ride home.

"it's right around the corner," he said.

well, "right around the corner" turned out to mean "halfway across the damned state". to this day, neither heather nor i have any clue where it was that we finally wound up dropping this goober off. however, it did require an extra trip to the gas station (we were waaaay out there), as otherwise, we may not have made it back to civilization again.

which would have been bad, as i'm pretty sure i'd left my spice girls cd home that night.