Friday, December 23, 2005

have i told you lately....

....how much i hate automated phone systems? i mean, really. is it too much to ask that delta's computer pass me over to a representative the first or second time i ask, instead, of still insisting upon taking down more information, even after i've begun hissing my answers from between clenched teeth?

if i wanted to talk to you, you binary-code comprehending hunk of junk, i wouldn't have asked for a representative twelve no, wait, thirteen times.

that said, it's time for me to offer up my longest running holiday tradition. even before i figured out how to carefully slice through scotch tape with a pocketknife and then reseal my presents, i have visited mama for christmas. for at least the last 8 years, this trip has been preceded by the annual "where the hell did i put my copy of the itinerary" hunt, followed by the time-honered last-minute panic call to mama to beg her to send me another copy:

me: now, where the hell is that itinerary?

me: (tears apart bedroom)

me: (tears apart SO's bedroom, just in case i was reading it in bed or something and dropped it on the floor)

me: (tears apart living room)

me: (tears apart bathroom)

no, wait- that was when i was looking for a disposable razor to tame my forest of leg hair last night.

me: (frantically dials phone)

phone: *ring*

me: crap. i hope she's home.

phone: *ring*

me: did i look on the dining room table? maybe it's under that heap of expired coupons.

phone: *ring*

me: maybe the couch swallowed it.

phone: *ring*

mama: hello?

(mama is interrupted by...)

answering machine: hello. no one can come to the phone right now. please leave your name and phone number and shoe size after the beep.

me: hi, mama. hi, strange man. guess what?

mama: you can't find your itinerary?

answering machine: (sits there in awed silence, trying to figure out how on earth i can manage to lose the same darned thng year after year. finally gives up, emits a long, loud beep, and hangs up)

the rest of the call varies from year to year, and i don't rightly recall the rest of this year's version, mostly because i was tearing apart the refrigerator. (you know, just in case i figured leaving the itinerary someplace cold would remind me of maine.)

this year, not one, but two copies are lurking somewhere in this apartment. thank goodness i've finally come to understand the beauty of e-tickets.

i won't have any internet access in maine- can't get the moose to hold still long enough to attach the routers to their antlers. however, should the new brunswick welcome center be open..... (thing #12 i love about canada: free internet access at welcome centers.)

oh, and i know i'm terribly behind on my photos. i'll get caught up after vacation. after all, it's the holidays, dude.

have a happy one (or multiple, depending on which/how many you feel like celebrating). i'll be back in action by the first.....

dec 23rd edit: we will skip "sentence saturday" this week. go play with your kids or take care of that last-minute holiday shopping instead, okay?

7 comments:

Joefish said...

Happy holiday, duff.

MamaKBear said...

I miss going to Maine for Christmas. My Dad was raised there and all his brothers still live there. Living in Oklahoma, Maine is far away...

bricotrout said...

"where the hell did i put my copy of the itinerary" hunt, followed by the time-honered last-minute panic call to mama...
im laughing tears right now. hopefully youll pass these deeply rich traditions on to your children one day.

MamaKBear said...

Forgot to tell ya...you've been tagged!

Labbie said...

101110101101010100010101010001

That's binary for "Feliz Navidad"

Labbie said...

Oh, sorry... I've been informed it's actually 10010100101010100111010101010101

I feel so stupid for getting that wrong!

duff said...

joefish: happy holiday to you, too, joe. do you have any snow up there yet?

mamakbear: tagged? hmmm...okay if i take the baton after i get back home?

bricotrout: yep- i'm sure (when they're old enough, of course) i'll wind up calling them about my itineraries, too.

labbie: feliz navidad, muchacho, y prospero ano nuevo. (i had mama, who teaches spanish, double-check that to make sure i had it right.)