Sunday, December 04, 2005

the most boring post on earth

i know you folks are on the edge of your seat, waiting to hear how i spent my day. (okay, maybe not, but i was bored and felt like blogging instead of working on my holiday letter, and if i don’t post this, i’ll feel like i haven’t accomplished anything today. note: all times are eastern standard, as i have yet to reset my watch.

8:00 a.m.: alarm goes off. wake up to soulful sounds of “back here” by bb mak. make mental note to switch cd to something- anything- else, then nudge SO so he’ll roll over and hit “snooze”. 8:09 a.m.: snooze
8:18 a.m.: snooze
8:25 a.m.: neither snooze nor get out of bed.
8:45 a.m.: call credit card company while SO sucks up hot water in the shower like a damned sponge.
8:50 a.m.: wander into shower. note, with great joy, that water is actually pretty warm.
9:00 a.m.: begin detangling hair
9:05 a.m.: say “screw it”, spray on detangler, and hope for best.
9:07 a.m.: put on half dried jeans (because this particular pair makes my butt look fantastic.) and dig through closet for shirt and socks.
9:07:30 a.m.: locate both cookie monster socks and long-sleeved cookie monster shirt. decide the combination is brilliant.
9:08 a.m.: remember weather in wyoming is supposed to be “colder than a well-digger’s ass”. put on polo sweatshirt.
9:09 a.m.: put on midweight coat while sprinting out door and yelling at SO to do the same. (for the record, he was ready first.)
9:12 a.m.: stop for gas. begin to fret that plane might be missed.
9:14-10:20 a.m.: flip around the radio dial while SO flies down highway toward charlotte. (the tickets were over $100 cheaper than flying out of columbia, which i generally how it works out.) make SO suffer through “kyrie” and “all i need is a miracle”...while singing along.
10:20 a.m.: SO misses desired exit. try not to scream as he takes next exit, turns around, and gets back onto freeway to correct this error.
10:30 a.m.: jump out of car. utter unbecoming words as suitcase refuses to exit the vehicle. tell SO to circle around a couple of times- just in case. forget to utter sweet nothings before closing car door.
10:32 a.m.: tickets in hand, strip naked at security check, then redress and sprint to departure gate, hoping to catch flight.
10:40 a.m.: arrive at gate in time to board plane. listen to disc two of depeche mode’s greatest hits 86<98
12:10 p.m.: after finishing depeche mode cd, plug headphones in to listen to airline-provided xm radio. flip channels and settle on station playing “blue monday”. resist urge to sing along.
12:15 p.m.: also resist urge to sing along to “strip”. instead, concentrate on picturing warpainted adam ant trying to convince me to disrobe.
12:20 p.m.: arrive in atlanta to find my sibling waiting for me. note, with some small sense of dismay, that freud is nowhere to be found.
12:21-12:30 p.m.: wander to one of those typically tourist-trinket filled shops so i could snap a few photos of the gnomes with a bunch of atlanta stuff (state #33 for bodhi), and then head back down the hall to our gate.

or so we thought.

12:30:30 p.m.: note, with horror, that above the desk, under “flt 301: denver 1:35 p.m.”, was a word sure to drive stress into the heart of any traveler: “cancelled”. also note that representatives are nowhere to be found...unless one counts the airline representatives trying every trick in the book to convince stranded travelers that they really should sign up for an airline credit card because, after all, “you’ll get a free ticket”.
12:35 p.m.: after waiting for someone to appear at customer service desk, give up and walk to another gate in search of answers.
12:36 p.m.: assure cute airline representative that the delay is not an inconvenience, as one really would rather not fly on a plane suffering from some sort of “electrical malfunction”. (didn’t buddy holly board one of those?)
12:40 p.m.: new boarding passes in hand, begin trek to terminal d.
12:50 p.m.:leave bags with sibling and take place in quizno’s line. order enough food for small third world country...or self.
1:00 p.m.-3:15 p.m.: set up camp (and computers) at outlet near departure gate. attempt to finish holiday letter. wonder why words just don’t seem to flow like they did last year. while thinking, scope area for cute fellow travelers of the male persuasion. find none. determined to talk to cute male, call SO to utter belated sweet nothings.
3:16 p.m.: take seat next to grumpy guy who doesn’t want to switch seats with sibling. (grumpy guy is not the least bit attractive, despite his blue eyes- plus, he’s grumpy.)
3:18 p.m.; sibling disappears, then reappears with stewardess, who asks woman with ticket for seat next to sibling’s if she’d mind switching seats.
3:18:30 p.m.: climb into sibling’s old window seat. resolve to upgrade her belated birthday gift as “thank you” for giving up window seat.
3:19 p.m.: look out window. notice loose screw on engine. close window.
3:20 p.m.- 4:45 p.m.: doze off while waiting to hear those magic words- “the use of approved electronic devices is now permitted.”
4:45 p.m.: wake up to sweet sounds of beverage cart. pop in ready, sex, go by the marvelous 3 as a tribute to atlanta. resolve to purchase frame for poster signed by butch walker at their farewell concert 4 ½ years ago.
4:46 p.m.: realize that, yes, it has been that long.
5:00 p.m.- 7:00 p.m. contemplate finishing holiday letter. decide to work on evening’s blog entry instead while sibling watches mona lisa smile. (i would’ve watched it, too, except i’m not in the mood for anything even remotely serious. besides, i really like this cd.)
5:51 p.m.: reopen window. screw still loose, but at least it’s still there.
6:45 p.m.: notice grumpy guy is wearing viagra hat. suddenly, it’s all so clear. i’d be grumpy if i had to wear a viagra hat in public, too.
7:20 p.m.: land at denver airport. think of half of a great analogy: “ a fart in a train car.”
7:21-7:32 p.m.: try to think of other half of brilliant analogy. get distracted by sight of favorite billboards in airport.
7:32-7:45 p.m. slowly make way to baggage claim after meeting up with rest of family. ignore laughter while stopping to photograph those billboards, various gnomes with several of airport’s fine features.
8:00 p.m.: while waiting for aunt to retrieve rental car, fire up computer in the hopes that there will be some sort of wi-fi access at denver airport.
8:05 p.m.: no wi-fi? dammit. guess this’ll be a late post.......


Joefish said...

10:32 a.m.: tickets in hand, strip naked at security check, then redress and sprint to departure gate, hoping to catch flight.

I need to start hanging out at the airport.

duff said...

you mean you weren't the guy behind me in the line at quizno's? i didn't smack him for staring at my ass because i thought he was you.

next time, he's toast.