please hold still while i shove this lipstick up your nose.

so, let's just say, hypothetically, that you're a fan of avon. and let's just say, hypothetically, that several months ago, you placed a $25 avon order, and when i delivered it to you, you paid by check....which you put on hold the day before i tried to cash it.

oh, but wait- there's more.

let's say, hypothetically, that when i tried to contact you after getting the love note from my bank stating that your check did not clear, you did a great imitation of a participant of the federal witness protection program.

continuing along our hypothetical line of thinking, let's say that one day, roughly three months after giving you up for dead, i come home from work and hear your voice on my answering machine.

are you calling to find out where to send the check?

no.

are you calling to apologize for taking so long to get back to me but hope i understand, since you've spent the last four months hiding out in afghanistan with bin laden?

no.

let's say, hypothetically, that you actually have to audacity to call me and place another order.

but wait- there's more.

when i call you to express willingness to place your order after your account has been settled, let's just suppose that you first deny that you'd previously placed an order, then claim that the check cleared your bank, and then, when i point out that your balance needs to be cleared before i can place your new order, you say "ok" and then freaking hang up on me.

i sincerely hope that this woman calls me next week to ask when i'll deliver her order. not only has she pushed my customer service skills to the limit, but i'll be in the middle of full-on pms by then, and i've already got the tape recorder ready, because i am sure i'll say something priceless.