Tuesday, October 18, 2005

duff vs. the phone company

i should take photos so i can post visual aids for this story, but for once, i'd like to make it to bed before 1 a.m., though at the rate i'm going, it may be close.

so, put your telephone next to your monitor, and we'll call it close enough, okay?

i got home this evening and, as usual, checked my caller i'd to see if i had any new calls. as soon as i finished deleting out the mysterious toll free number that's been showing up 3 and 4 times a day for the past two weeks, the phone rang. it looked like i was about to find out the identity of my mystery caller.

at first, there was silence at the other end. i thought to myself "what kind of prank call is this? there should at least be some heavy breathing or something."

i should be so lucky.

after the live body at the other end realized that the computer that'd dialed my number had actually caught me, and not my answering machine, she cleared her throat, and in a very thick accent said, "hello. miss p-----?"


"hello. my name is jessica...." (hmmm...an accent that thick, and you're trying to convince me that you're just another "all american girl"? come on lady, i've read the articles about outsourcing telemarketing calls to india...but hey- i suppose i can play along if it makes you feel better....)

"....and i am calling on behalf of bell south."


"and we have scheduled you for installation of bell south fast access dsl."

what the hell? i'm quite happy with my supremely cheap dial-up. furthermore, the other computer in the house just got wired for high-speed internet this afternoon, so if i really yearned for the bells and whistles, i'd be on there instead of my windows-95 running relic.

"excuse me? i didn't order fast access dsl."

please- that last time i called the phone company was when i let them know i was moving to the apartment across the hall- nearly three years ago.

"excuse me? i cannot understand what you're saying."

"what do you mean you don't understand? you don't understand the words, or you don't understand how anyone could possibly pass up this opportunity to pay you more money for a service i neither want nor need? just what is it that you don't understand?"

(okay, okay- i didn't say it, but if she had telepathy, she most certainly would have heard it. what came out of my mouth instead were a few repetitions of "i did not order fast access dsl.")

"ma'am, do you have some kind of internet in your home?"

"yes, i do, and i am not interested in fast access dsl."

"what kind of internet do you have, ma'am?"

"i am quite happy with my internet situation."

long pause. (apparently, she's not used to this sort of resistance. quite frankly, i think i was being more than polite by actually speaking to her, rather than slamming down the phone (can you do that with a cordless?) as soon as she introduced herself.)

"okay. well, have a good evening, ma'am."

(at least i think that's what she said- it was mumbled, like a cry from a wounded dog.)

since when does the phone company get away with assuming that i want their latest unbelievable offer? aaargh.


Jo said...

I HATE phone companies...

I've had far too many wars with them....

ltlme said...

I wonder if you tell your own phone company to put you on their "do not call list."

Labbie said...

And just how, pray tell, are you intending on downloading the first (and probably only) video of the Tossed Salad Dancers? Dial-up? You're kidding, right? Windows 95? Are you serious?

If you're interested in a cheap, 100-dollar laptop running windows 98, or a cheap 150-dollar laptop running windows 2000, WITH a DSL card or dial-up (yuck), let me know. I have my own business in laptops out of my apartment. There. How's that for "telemarketing"? Serious inquiries only. THanks. :p

Joe said...

I don't have a real phone. I just use the cellie. The beuaty of the mobile phone is that it doesn't have to be turned on. It can just sit there and wait for you to want to call someone . . . I guess I really don't need a cell either.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I have had a phone company call to try to sell me a service I was already subscribed to.

"Would you like to sign up for our super-fast DSL?"

"Well sort of . . . I mean, I already have it."

"Our rates are the lowest in . . . wait, you already have it?"

"That's what I said, I already have it."

"Thank you very much for your continued service, have a nice day."

I cancelled with them the very next day for being incompetent.

Madge said...

That rules, aramedes. I wish I thought like that.

Rabbit said...

I'm going to laugh all night thanks to the visual of someone slamming down a cordless phone.