Sunday, October 16, 2005

slow? do you think i'm slow, buddy?

last night, as i raced off to babysitting, i noticed my car was running low on gas. (this is nothing new- i generally wait until the needle's firmly on "e" before i give in and pump the equivalent of two cds into my gas tank.) since i was already running a bit late, again, nothing new, i didn't have time to fill up on the way. i had enough gas to get me to my destination, but the return trip was going to be iffy.

which is how i wound up driving home at 1:30 in the morning chanting "just one more mile, just one more mile, just one more mile....". (and you thought i was merely singing along to the wang chung song on the radio. HA! had you fooled.....although that chant does fit nicely with the beat of "dance hall days")

my route home took me past one of the cheapest gas stations in town ($2.68/gallon, as compared to the $2.91/gallon around the corner from my apartment complex), and my needle was past "e", so i figured it would be wise to stop.

now, pay at the pump is a fine and baeutiful thing, but only if you happen to be holding plastic....which i wasn't. (i just finished paying off my credit card for the first time since college, and i haven't activated the new card yet.) fortunately, for once i had some cash with me (thanks to babysitting).....well, it would have been fortunate had i been able to actually use it.

the subject of my current ire: the unhelpful gas station employee who wouldn't sell me gas at one frickin' thirty in the morning.

yeah- you read that right- gas. not beer, wine, or hard liquor, as the guy in front of me was foolishly trying to purchase on a sunday (blue laws are alive and well in south carolina, folks)- but freaking gas!!!!

even worse was his excuse:
"the pumps are too slow."

excuse me, buddy, but i don't care if your pumps are slow. my car's going to be really slow- like to the point of not able to move unassisted- if i don't get some gas into it. so, i think i can put up with a "slow pump", because even if it takes and hour to pump a measly ten gallons into my tank, that still beats triple a's response time when i have to call them for a tow because i ran out of gas because you wouldn't let me get gas because your pump was "too slow". (oh, the searches i'm going to wind up on now...."sump pumps", here i come....and i'm sure that's the cleanest i can hope for.)

then, to make matters even worse, this goober looks over the counter at me and says, "i'm sorry, but what can i do?"

let me tell you what you can do:

take your head out of your ass and let me buy some freaking gas so i don't wind up stranded on the side of the road in what inevitably will be the absolute worst part of town at one frickin' thirty in the morning, where i will probably get abducted and taken away to the big city where i'll wind up pimped out just to earn my abductors enough cash to support their various drug habits because, let's face it, to some cokehead, i probably look like i'm some naive high school student, and therefore an easy target, and then i'll wind up on one of those annoying little cards they stick in the mail where my photo is side by side with my abductor's, which is realyl quite pointless because who actually looks at those cards anyway? NO ONE, because, like me, just about everyone tosses it into the recycle pile without really looking at it to see if maybe one of the people pictured is their next door neighbor or cousin or something because, quite frankly, the ten seconds it would take to actually read the thing are far better spent leafing through the new frederick's of hollywood catalog that arrived in today's mail and hey, wait a minute- does that new push-up bra come in my size?

but i digress....and all because you wouldn't sell me gas because your pump was "slow".

somehow, i doubt the pump was the problem.....which is why i walked back to my car, turned the key, and chanted my way to the hess station half a mile down the road.

21 comments:

Labbie said...

Somehow, I think I could identify you from one of those "Have you seen me?" cards.

duff said...

you actually look at those things?

just thinking said...

Hehe, with the mood I've been in lately, I woulda snatched that guys hair right off his head.

duff said...

that thought crossed my mind, but there was a wall of gum and disposable lighters between us.

jamwall said...

when they make those "have you seen me" cards, are you gonna choose the cow pic or a different pose?

LBseahag said...

What a loser....you so need to write a letter to their corporate office, if there is one, and create a deal so big u get a free tank....

Labbie said...

Yeah, I read those things... You never know if they've realized that the girl you have tied up in your basement is missing... IF there was a girl tied up in the basement... WHICH there is NOT. But if there was...

duff said...

jamwall: i'm going to go with a different pose, since it's highly unlikely the cow and i will be abducted together.

lbseahag: i'm too lazy to write a letter (heck, i still have to scribble birthday cards from late july to the present). instead, i'm altering my route between home and the radio station, so i can pass by that crappy little gas station twice a day and give them the salute they deserve as i speed by.

lab boy: i know, i know- you were "just holding her for a friend", right?

Dirty Gypsy said...

Duff, that was complete bullshit. At least you were able to make it to another station!

Stef said...

What a moron! Wouldn't sell you gas at one friggin thrity in the morning because the pumps are slow? What kind of excuse is that?

I'd be like, "get on the phone, call up your manager, and then give me the phone so I can tell them their policy sucks." You're a young woman alone in the middle of the night, there's a safety issue there, I'm sure. And if he can't sell you gas, why are they even open?

There's a station near where I go to school that closes at 11pm, except if you have a debit or credit card. If you have one of those, you can pump gas any time.

Bet the pumps wouldn't have been "slow" if you had plastic.

--Stef

("fektcwu" sounds like a good substitute for another well known "F" word)

Labbie said...

Under advice from my attorney, I'd like to invoke my fifth ammendment right not to self incriminate, uh, myself.

duff said...

gypsy: had i nopt been able to make it, i would have made him push my car to the other station.

stef: i thought it was a pretty week excuse, myself. as i passed by after filling up at the hess station, i saw he and the other employee had turned out all the lights and were getting into their cars. he must've been worried that he would not have been able to leave work on time or something like that.

lab boy: i'm working on a comeback- give me a minute......

ltlme said...

Okay, that's fucked up. What a lazy fucking moron. Chances are that he didn't want to push the stupid button that activates the pump and put in the amount of money that you were willing to give to that business in return for gas. I guess the only sort of people that gas stations can hire to work, what I like to call, the robbery shift are dumb idiots that are probably too stupid to realize that their lives might be in danger during a robbery. People like that idiot should not be allowed to have a gun. He'd probably blow his own head off... hold on a sec. Darwin's coming to mind. Perhaps that's not such a bad idea after all. Well, mom's probably relieved to know that you're not being pimped out. Then again, if you get a decent cut of the money.... nevermind. I'm glad that you're not donning the spandex. Not that you'd be like those disgusting people who wear spandex that make them look like a badly stuffed sausage with their fat rolls spilling out over the spandex.... the same people that also drive cars that are way too small and sink down to the ground by four inches every time they get in the car.....*slap* thank you.

As for the age thing... with the braces I'd say middle school. I recall you sharing a story when you were at an airport and asked if your guardian was with you just a year ago.

Labbie said...

You know what I like about LTLME? Well, other than that glare into the camera on her profile pic... Ah, the memories... Anyway, you know what I like about her? She has an elegant way of using swear words. :p

And, Duff, no comeback necessary. Let's not pursue this point further. The FBI might be reading this ;)

Dirk the Feeble said...

I don't think it was the pump that was slow, but rather the pump's caretaker . . .

I have to say though, asking "What can I do?" is perhaps the best question you can ever hear from a person, as it basically gives you free license to follow up by saying whatever the hell you want.

MPH said...

I assume the chanting worked and you made it to the next gas station. Although that does not explain why you're late for your secretarial duties.

Madge said...

Jeepers Creepers. That is the worst! I'm jealous that you almost got to buy gas for $2.68 a gallon. WTF? It's still hovering around $3 in Florida...

Joe said...

Well it sucks for you . . . but think about if you were the gas-jockey. You have all the power. Would you sell gas to just anyone? Not me, it's gotta be worth my time - and guess what? THE PUMPS ARE JUST TOO DAMN SLOW!

Kristi said...

you're so cute

duff said...

note to self: delete "removed" comments before composing witty replies to other commenters.

let's try this again, shall we?

sibling: sadly, i have not been asked about a chaperone since that incident. in the event that i'm able to skip town over thanksgiving, i will put my hair up in braids and don the cookie monster shirt. that should do the trick.

lab boy: she learned from the best- mama.

armaedes: this time, i merely mumbled something about taking my business elsewhere (mostly because i couldn't remember exactly what stephen root's character runs around mumbling in "office space"). next time, however, i will be far more likely to pull my judd nelson/breakfast club/"would you like me to turn it up?" imitation.

mph: sorry, boss. had to stretch. wound up in a yogalike position that i couldn't get back out of.

madge: and i thought we were the highest. the station down the street is $2.75 now. (i never thought i'd actually consider that "cheap")

joe: woo-hoo! it's been a while since i had a new face around here. welcome......even if you won't sell me any gas.

kristi: i try. (too bad it never worked on the boys in school.......)

Dad said...

Here's my chance. Come on home, gas is $2.24 within a mile of the house. And no smartass cashiers!