Thursday, October 06, 2005

signs of the south

ten southern things i just don't understand*

1. the appeal of grits.
anything that hardens to resemble styrofoam probably should not be considered edible.

2. debutantes.
i was never "presented" to society, and i've never felt the need to seek therapy over it.

3. southern cooking.
have you seen most of the folks who frequent these "southern" restaurants? all that "southern" fried food has turned them into "southern" lardasses.
(here's a dirty little secret: believe it or not, food does not have to be fried to be edible.)

4. anything below 70 degrees is considered "freezing"
....and heaven forbid it actually snow.

5. that strange ability southern women have to stab you in the back while oozing southern charm to your face.
enough said.

6. chitlins.
right up there with haggis in my book.

7. pork rinds
i take that back- i have been known to eat the barbeque kind. still, if you think about what they are, they're really quite gross.

8. maurice bessinger.
i don't care if his barbeque sauce makes folks multiorgasmic. i am not setting foot in any of his restaurants, as he doesn't seem to realize the confederacy lost the war.

9. grits.
i'm mentioning grits again- just because that whole styrofoam-like quality is really gross. i mean, you can stnad a baseball bat up in a bowl of grits and let it harden and the bat won't move!

10. nascar
i know, i know- nascar is universal....but they're obsessed down here.

*even though i could come up with more **
** you can stop telling the computer "if you don't like it, move".
(i will, eventually, as quite frankly, the world's too big to spend your whole life in one place. however, i won't move until i'm finished laughing at this quirky state.)


.: raven :. said...

this is hilarious


just thinking said...

heh, how far north do we need to go to get away from these things.

Anonymous said...

Mmm, you've never had blood pudding, I presume? Makes haggis look like a big, fluffy cake. Take the journey with me: It looks like a hockey puck... And it's blood.

Dirty Gypsy said...

Are debutantes just a Southern thing? I thought they were more of a "people with too much money and sense of self importance thing", no matter the location...

I could be wrong, though.

And word on the grits thing. I have a friend who LOVES them, and I just don't understand.

Labbie said...

What about using the word "reckon" all the time, and such? And ending lists with the phrase "and such"? Yeah. That can get annoying, I reckon.

Stef said...

I lived in Virginia for eleven years, sounds just like that. Then I moved to Massachusetts where people seem to be more sane, just have funny names for stuff (shopping cart = carriage; trash cans = barrels; milkshakes = frappes). In Oklahoma, where I live now, people are absolutely obessesed with college sports! If it has anything whatsoever to do with the Oklahoma Sooners or the Oklahoma State Cowboys, these people are all over it! Please! NASCAR isn't that important here, but getting the New Orleans Hornets for just the one season was a big friggin deal! Even I could get into that!

Dad said...

Yup. I never could understand that grits thing myself. I was stationed at Ft. Gordon, GA for 4 months, "way back when", and while I learned to just expect grits to automatically come with anything remotely resembling breakfast, I never did learn to love them. I never tried the baseball bat thing though.

bricotrout said...

this is a great list duff!! very nice. and its funny you mention debutantes. they are mentioned in one of my upcoming lists.

word ver: lsmlet (remind you of anyone?)

Mossy Stone said...

duff, I think your experiment would be a waste of a perfectly good bat.

Up here, "Grits" are the Liberal Party of Canada (The "Tories" being the Conservatives. Don't ask, I don't remember why), so perhaps your baseball bat experiment does have some merit after all.

I share your sentiments here. However, one is entitled to 'agree to disagree' on the finer points of one's local culture without having to relocate. There's a lot of stuff I can't stand about life up here, but I'm sure not moving! :)

Hint: When the Belles go to the bank to get their Confederate Currency from the safety deposit box, THEN its definitely time to call U-Haul.

Funniest 'grit' moment: me, sitting in the Orlando airport in August of '97, having breakfast while waiting for an early flight back to Toronto. 2 tables over from me in the food court was an airport employee obviously just off the night shift. His breakfast? A bowl of Grits and a Budweiser. 8AM-ish. No word of a lie

Mossy Stone said...

Jurgen: Nothing quite like Scottish Black Pudding, sliced and fried with your full and hearty breakfast.

Duff: Haggis is underrated and absolutely delicious when made correctly.

Carla said...

Silly girl... you're supposed to EAT the grits before they harden! That's the point! Add some butter, bacon and cheese and you have a tasty breakfast! I do, however, don't get the lowcountry version of shrimp and grits. I don't want seafood in my breakfast foods!

debutantes - good gawd how I hate seeing those writeups in the newspaper.

I think NASCAR is so popular here because there are so many tracks located in the south, although that's changing.

Pork rinds are a fabulous snack for low-carb dieters.

And I take it you've never been a fan of Lizard's Thicket down there in the Capitol City! :-)

jamwall said...

NASCAR is to racing what KFC is to chicken.....deep fried, packaged and mass produced.

Dirk the Feeble said...

As a member of the south, I am deeply offended by this.

I would be more offended were it not true. And for the record, I hate grits.

Mossy Stone said...

I can't help but equating grits and oatmeal. And there's no freakin' way I'd be adding shrimp to my porridge and brown sugar...

LBseahag said...

hmmmm....I am sort of jealous you have that Mauruce Bessinger guy's BBQ sauce...
out here, we have to use just plain ol KC Masterpiece...

what the hell, that Maurice dude wants to rewrite the declaration of independence..I never knew political views could go down so smoothly with a fresh serving of pig meat!