don't try to marry me- please!

another wedding under my belt. i am pleased to report, once again, that it was not my own. while most chicks my age seem to be either already hitched, or else making plans to add the "mrs." prefix to their names in the next couple of years, i am running in the other direction with the speed of a cat who knows he's about to head to the vet.

i can honestly say that i have never leafed through a wedding magazine, picturing myself in a big white gown with a veil twice the size of my head and a train that would require at least three small children to follow me around holding it up.

i haven't compiled a list of friends i wish to dress in stunning gowns they'll probably never wear again.

i'm not going to let you sing some touchy-feely romantic song while everyone stands around awkwardly. (unless, of course, you're either michael hutchence, bono, or simon le bon. in which case, you may sing anything you want.)

i love the electric slide as much as the next person, but i am wise enough to love it in the privacy of my own home- not with a couple hundred tipsy (distant) friends and relatives. ditto for "c'mon and ride it (the train)" no, wait- that song annoys me too much to love it anywhere.

i have never hinted about wanting any sort of meaningful, expensive jewelry. i'd probably lose/break it, and i'd rather be taken on a nice trip instead. besides, i'm way too young for that kind of commitment. so, please, none of this "getting down on one knee" stuff before i'm, like, 30. any attempt at this point will be met with peals of laughter and "you're kidding, right?" (a special exception will be made for val kilmer.)

i'm not registering anywhere- ever. i have a microwave, dishes, bedsheets, towels, and every cooking tool i could fit in my tiny kitchen. however, when the time comes, you may wire your gift to my "honeymoon in australia/house with larger kitchen" fund.

i've witnessed wedding planners in action. i've heard stories about what happens when some of these women get out of control. save the power trip for someone else, lady.

i'm missing out on a bachelorette party? damn. someday, with time and therapy, i'll get over it. besides, i've already amassed an adequate supply of frederick's wares and other accessories......and i doubt you know my taste anyway. futhermore, since many of my close friends are guys, i wouldn't want them to feel left out..........and i'm pretty sure hiring a male stripper would make the boys just a tad uncomfortable- or else the guys (stripper included) would just sit around and talk about football the entire time. either way, i think i'll pass.

most importantly of all- the pressure. after you get hitched, suddenly otherwise normal people (as normal as parents can be) start hounding you to have kids. "so- when will we have a grandchild?" is not a phrase i want to hear- ever. if you want one so badly, either bug my sister (stop laughing, diana) or figure out how to adopt a grandchild. if i ever decide to have one, it won't be because you want me to. keep it up, and you won't know anything about the kid until you're invited to their high school graduation. and no- i'm not naming he/she/it after you. or your mother. or your third cousin twice removed on your maternal uncle's side. (i think my mom had it right 26 1/2 years ago. various relatives "hinted" that i should be named after them, so she threatened to name me either "hepzebah" or "aloysius". after that, most folks were relieved when they saw my birth certificate.)

i'm just sayin'.

all that said (and i'm sure i'll add more later)- the wedding yesterday was beautiful. i'm just glad i wasn't the one standing up there.......