you didn't see the smoke?

oh, how i wish i fully understood the power that sports have over men- like video games and hooters girls, for some reason, sports can hold the attention of most men like nothing else.

now, i know my readers out there with penises are screaming at their computers.

"duff! you women have shoes and shopping- leave men alone....and don't you dare take off with that credit card, either!"

easy there, big guy. remember how i said that being called a woman insults me? did i mention that i'm not the "stereotypical female"?

really- did i? i'm too busy looking through the frederick's catalog to double check.

(see- you guys think regular shopping is unpleasant, but if there's a catalog full of half naked women that you can tuck under your arm for a little "me time" in the john, then it's not so bad.....)

anyway, i have shoes, yes. however, i could care less about the $200 ankle-busters. forget heels- dangle a nice pair of adidas in front of my nose, and i'm yours.

as for the rest of the shopping experience- are you sitting down?- unless i'm at the grocery store, in the middle of best buy, or picking up things for my not-so-well-traveled friends, i generally don't care. (wait- i forgot bookstores.....i can do some serious damage in a bookstore. my parents can be held responsible for that one.)

anyway, as i was saying, it's hard to draw the stereotypical man's attention away from football. (i also need to throw in "college basketball", in some cases, including the one where i was wearing something

before i go on- dad, sibling: if either of you are reading this, just close the window or scroll back up while thinking happy thoughts of your most virginal daughter/sibling. i am too broke to pay for your therapy.

okay.

i mean it, sibling- the fragile psyche you save may be your own. get freud away from the computer, too.

is she gone? good.

so anyway, there he was, in front of the tv, watching his favorite college playing basketball...and there i was, standing between him and the screen, wearing a piece of apparel so powerful (think embroidered, blue, and accompanied by fishnets) that the mere mention of this item had the power to uh....inspire the desired reaction.

(i sincerely hope they listened to me for once and left.)

but, the reaction was horribly off.

i pulled out all the stops....yet the boys won.

furthermore, i was told that the boys won because i "knew it was the first game of the season", and was trying to make him miss his game. (please- like i even recall that part of the conversation- you were talking about sports, for goodness sake.)

but i digress.)

what inspired this evening's post involves neither basketball nor gratuitous nudity. (so far)

after a really good nap killed plan a (which was to go out to a decent restaurant and possibly take in a movie, since we hadn't seen anything since wedding crashers), plan b was put into effect. the meat was thawed, put into a pan on the stove, and i wandered off to throw in a load of laundry, lest i find myself going to work naked tomorrow, due to a lack of decent, clean clothing.

that made him sort of vaguely in charge of the stove, as well as the items thereupon. (i didn't have to tell him- it was understood. )

after throwing in the last soiled t-shirt, i turned around and saw this:



however, SO was so engrossed in watching a college football game that he didn't notice the thick white smoke creeping across the ceiling. (for the record, he didn't notice my screams at first, either.)

so, guys, what is it about watching grown men running around, playing some sort of game that, let's face it, fantasy football pools and betting aside, affect you in no way whatsoever? furthermore, why must you hurl a string of expletives at the tv when "your" team fumbles, runs the wrong way, or fails to score in some other way?

finally, and most importantly, what man in their right mind turns down a willing female in this?:


what? you can't get the picture to load either? there must be something wrong with your monitor.....