Saturday, November 12, 2005

you didn't see the smoke?

oh, how i wish i fully understood the power that sports have over men- like video games and hooters girls, for some reason, sports can hold the attention of most men like nothing else.

now, i know my readers out there with penises are screaming at their computers.

"duff! you women have shoes and shopping- leave men alone....and don't you dare take off with that credit card, either!"

easy there, big guy. remember how i said that being called a woman insults me? did i mention that i'm not the "stereotypical female"?

really- did i? i'm too busy looking through the frederick's catalog to double check.

(see- you guys think regular shopping is unpleasant, but if there's a catalog full of half naked women that you can tuck under your arm for a little "me time" in the john, then it's not so bad.....)

anyway, i have shoes, yes. however, i could care less about the $200 ankle-busters. forget heels- dangle a nice pair of adidas in front of my nose, and i'm yours.

as for the rest of the shopping experience- are you sitting down?- unless i'm at the grocery store, in the middle of best buy, or picking up things for my not-so-well-traveled friends, i generally don't care. (wait- i forgot bookstores.....i can do some serious damage in a bookstore. my parents can be held responsible for that one.)

anyway, as i was saying, it's hard to draw the stereotypical man's attention away from football. (i also need to throw in "college basketball", in some cases, including the one where i was wearing something

before i go on- dad, sibling: if either of you are reading this, just close the window or scroll back up while thinking happy thoughts of your most virginal daughter/sibling. i am too broke to pay for your therapy.

okay.

i mean it, sibling- the fragile psyche you save may be your own. get freud away from the computer, too.

is she gone? good.

so anyway, there he was, in front of the tv, watching his favorite college playing basketball...and there i was, standing between him and the screen, wearing a piece of apparel so powerful (think embroidered, blue, and accompanied by fishnets) that the mere mention of this item had the power to uh....inspire the desired reaction.

(i sincerely hope they listened to me for once and left.)

but, the reaction was horribly off.

i pulled out all the stops....yet the boys won.

furthermore, i was told that the boys won because i "knew it was the first game of the season", and was trying to make him miss his game. (please- like i even recall that part of the conversation- you were talking about sports, for goodness sake.)

but i digress.)

what inspired this evening's post involves neither basketball nor gratuitous nudity. (so far)

after a really good nap killed plan a (which was to go out to a decent restaurant and possibly take in a movie, since we hadn't seen anything since wedding crashers), plan b was put into effect. the meat was thawed, put into a pan on the stove, and i wandered off to throw in a load of laundry, lest i find myself going to work naked tomorrow, due to a lack of decent, clean clothing.

that made him sort of vaguely in charge of the stove, as well as the items thereupon. (i didn't have to tell him- it was understood. )

after throwing in the last soiled t-shirt, i turned around and saw this:



however, SO was so engrossed in watching a college football game that he didn't notice the thick white smoke creeping across the ceiling. (for the record, he didn't notice my screams at first, either.)

so, guys, what is it about watching grown men running around, playing some sort of game that, let's face it, fantasy football pools and betting aside, affect you in no way whatsoever? furthermore, why must you hurl a string of expletives at the tv when "your" team fumbles, runs the wrong way, or fails to score in some other way?

finally, and most importantly, what man in their right mind turns down a willing female in this?:
better than sports

what? you can't get the picture to load either? there must be something wrong with your monitor.....

18 comments:

Labbie said...

Oh, you're teasing again... Hehehe. But two can play that game: *dangles a brand new pair of Adidas in front of Duff's picture on the screen*

"Duuuuuuuff, come out to plaaaaay."

ltlme said...

EW..EW...EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Next time, I really do need to stop reading when you say so. I think I just puked in my mouth!!!!! My sister in fishnets??????? This, the same sister who I grew up with and played with FULLY CLOTHED, HAS FISHNETS??!?????? My sister is always clothed, does not do dirty stuff with boys, and......damn it, it's not working.....

I think i'm now officially ready for therapy.

duff said...

labbie: try smacking your monitor a couple of times. maybe then it'll load.

sibling: i gave you proper warning- next time, you know to listen to me.

you're on your own for therapy this time, kiddo.

.: raven :. said...

you wicked wicked girl ...

LOL

i however love football myself ... and hockey ... and most sports .. so i kind of "get it" on the men's side ....

LBseahag said...

that is hilarious!!!

i know that feeling...

at least u have a spouse to blame!!!

Osbasso said...

You have the art of the tease down pretty well!

I love that you can torment your sister this way. I wish I had something like the internet when I was growing up to torment mine!

jamwall said...

was it pot roast? i recall "pot roast" being the occasinal sunday meal at my house growing up. my mom would brown it first, before sticking it in the oven. the entire house would fill up with smoke.

brings back memories of sundays....god i hate sunday evenings...

duff said...

raven: i'm not wicked...the picture was unavailable, and i'm not about to put it on and take a picture...especially since we've now established that sibling doesn't listen to my warnings.

seahag: whoa- back up there.

he's only an SO, not spouse. i'm too young for that grown up stuff.

osbasso: i've been practicing for years. my motto (well, one of them) is "it's better to be a tease than a slut."

you're a busy guy- i'm glad you found the time to stop by.

jamwall: ground beef for tacos, actually. i'm not used to it being so fully thawed, so i figured a few minutes on high heat should work out just fine.

that makes a grand total of eight botched attempts at cooking over the past four years....so i guess my track record's still pretty decent.

LBseahag said...

is it a brother?

duff said...

a brother...monitor?

please- aren't those the rolls royce's of monitors?

Joe said...

so who won the game?

duff said...

last night's football game? well, judging by the swearing (not mine), i'm guessing asu lost against ucla.

NJ said...

OK, you got me. If you were standing in front of the tv during a game I'd be telling you to get the hell out of the way, that is until commercial. In which case you'd have 2 minutes, and judging by the description of what you were wearing, that would be a minute and a half more than I'd need. :-)

Callie said...

LMAO Duff. That was hilarious!

I'm so lucky hubby isn't into sports. If I stood in front of him dressed like that, he'd forget we had a TV.

:-P

duff said...

nj: what if i set the vcr for you?

or, at 30 seconds a shot, i'd assume you'd be ready and rarin' to go by the next commercial break.

callie: i'd expected a problem during football season, but basketball? to make matters worse, he even admitted his basketball team was crappy......

to say i was mad would be an understatement.

Mossy Stone said...

I can't say anything on this post, especially after the hockey-threesome incident.

Duff, I do admire your presence of mind to photograph the carnage in situ. (um, the smoky kitchen, not your sultry outfit)

Labbie said...

You owe me a monitor.

duff said...

mossy: i was actually pretty calm....there weren't any flames, so i figured a few open windows would take care of it....they did.

labbie: maybe....but know right now that i'm not replacing your gunked-up keyboard.