Monday, April 03, 2006

come out, come out, wherever you are

i think my ups guy is hiding from me.

more specifically, he’s hiding from SO, because he’s the one who’s usually home every other monday around 5pm, when my avon shipment arrives.

the ups guy was able to avoid us for a long time- SO would be working late, or would be out cold in the bedroom and the ups guy could simply clomp up the stairs to my apartment and loudly stick his little “sorry we missed you”* note on the door, scamper back down the stairs, and simply leave the shipment at the office.

however, after a year of having to stuff multiple boxes in my car during my lunch break every other tuesday, i finally figured out what he was up to. i sweet-talked SO into coming home and waiting by the door on delivery days (for some reason, offering to cook lasagna is a surprisingly effective bribe), and i really wish i’d left him the digital camera the first time the ups guy came up the stairs and SO opened it before the sticky note could be applied- i bet the look on his face was priceless.

the ups guy became a little sneakier, tiptoeing up the stairs and ever so gently placing the note on the door- much like when you ever so gently placed the “kick me” sign on someone else’s back when you were younger.

thankfully, SO has pretty decent hearing**, and the ups guy rarely was able to take him by surprise.

it wasn’t like the ups guy would have to bring the boxes up all by himself- SO helps haul stuff up most of the time, which works out well. i mean, i get my stuff without having to chase after it, SO gets a little bit of stairclimbing*** in, the ups guy has help hauling my stuff up, and when he’s done with me, i’m sure the free space in his truck increases by at least 50%. in short, everyone wins.

so, since there was neither a note on my door nor boxes all over my floor when i got home from work tonight, i can only assume that the ups guy has either joined some sort of witness protection program, he’s expired and they’re currently looking for a replacement, or he’s been abducted by aliens****.

so, if you see a guy in a brown uniform in the middle of a field somewhere, hanging out with tom cruise, or pulled over by the side of the road tonight, could you please tell him i’d appreciate it if he’d swing by and deliver my stuff? thanks.

*sure you are, buddy
**unless his favorite college team is playing and/or i’m pestering him about doing the dishes, that is.
***oh, yeah- did i mention we live on the third floor?
****or scientologists

5 comments:

Kunstemæcker said...

Everyone should have their own UPS guy. It's a basic human right!

mr_g said...

If he gets abducted and the choice is aliens or scientologists, pray for Aliens. At least they may let him go!

And now I know why my UPS guy has great deals on Avon....

Labbie said...

Being a UPS guy sounds like a great job opportunity right about now... But mostly for the chicks.

jkirlin said...

The U in UPS stands for Useless.

I can't get them to leave ANYTHING. They claim everything needs a signature. Who the hell is home during the day anymore? Alice from the Brady Bunch?

I think they have a bonus incentive program to see who can put the most miles on their trucks and come back with the most packages and fewest 'Sorry we missed you' tags.

I called my local UPS depot to ask if they couldn't drop it off, could they Fedex it to me? They said no. UPS isn't brown for no reason.

jkirlin said...

Ok, I'm not saying anything negative here...

But...

uh...

SO waits at home for your Avon for you?????

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!