Wednesday, July 12, 2006

there's only room for one toys r us kid around here....

as i was on the phone with mama this morning (sibling beat me to the customary birthday morning phone call this year, but next year, i'm totally dialing at 6:01, since mama informed me that she's up by 6.), i came to a startling realization.

in ten days, i'll be exactly as old as mama was when she had me.

i brought this up mid-call, and pointed out that the mere thought of marriage makes me queasy (and i'm not talking about it being in one of those swooning, weak-in-the-knees kind of way) and asked her what that says about me.

"you're smart."

sounds a lot better than "yeah, kiddo- you're pretty much an old maid now", doesn't it?


i read somewhere a year or two ago about some sort of nationwide survey where folks were asked when they considered themselves "adults"*. as i recall, the majority of folks said they considered themselves adults when they had children.

what's this? why can't we all be simultaneously immature? how come i'm the one who's supposed to grow up? that doesn't seem fair.....

with that in mind, here are

ten reasons why i'm not ready to have kids yet

10. i'd have to share the coveted elmo sprinkler
9. it hasn't been nearly long enough since i last changed twenty diapers a day. in fact, i think i'll need another ten years to get over that.
8. while were on the subject of explosive things little people do, we might as well hit the other end. as i explained to someone earlier this week, i have never been good with puke. in fact, every time a kid hurled at school, i appointed myself the teacher who'd break the news to the parents. i'm not much better with my own barf, either......i would have made a horrible bulemic.
7. when we were younger, i guess we were a little bit of a handful. i clearly recall mama cursing us with twins. we haven't had any on either side of the family in a few generations, and it'd be just my luck to be the one stuck with twice the puke and twice the diaper duty. forgive me if i don't sprint to the front of the line to sign up for that.
6. go ahead and find me a couple with children who still have spontaneous sex in various rooms of the house on a semi-regular basis. (uh, i mean the parents, not the kids.) don't worry- i won't hold my breath on that one.
5. while we're on the subject of spontaneity, i'm very fond of being able to throw a couple of suitcases in the car and take off on a road trip. as i understand it, when you have kids, you have to pack clothing and stuff for them. no wonder so many folks wind up shuttling around in minivans and suvs***
4. competition for happy meal toys.
3. i don't get nearly enough sleep as it is.
2. that hot affair i'm going to have with val kilmer? i'm thinking having a kid wander into the room while i'm in a rather compromising position would pretty much scar everyone involved for life.
1. even at her newly advanced age, mama is still way too young to be a grandma.

*i'd offer up a link for you, but quite frankly, if i google "adult surveys", i'm thinking the results aren't exactly going to be the sort of thing that's appropriate for a nice, clean blog like this one**

**just kidding- i swear way too much for this blog to be considered clean.

***the majority of suvs, of course, are basically just minivans for people who can't admit they need minivans. i swear, i have to fight the urge to whip out my digital camera every time i come across an suv with large amounts of dirt on it, an indicator that it may have actually been taken off-road within the last month.


mama said...

I'm wishing you an early happy birthday (I'll be--ahem--indisposed on Monday). Less than two years to Over-the-Hill; 22 to Old Fartdom (which is actually rather fun).

You were cursed with twins; your sister rated triplets (my grandmother was one of three, so both do run in the family). I should have amended that to read PEOPLE, since your sister got around it by adopting twin felines. Oh well, it could be worse.


duff said...

you mean slightly more than two years to over the hill.

trying to take those extra couple of days from me.....sheesh!

Jo said...

Man, you only had to change 20 diapers a day? I have you beat by a landslide, girl!!!

Labbie said...

Funny, I can't wait to have a very young apprentice to model in my image... If only I could find a non-psycho woman.

sibling said...

Shit, multiple births really do exist in the family. I thought that was just an empty threat by mama.....thank god I hate the dick, which means it's up to you on popping out those twins!!!!

As for #5, I will stay in a hotel the next time I visit....and ya'll are not going to be unsupervised at my home either.