Monday, January 16, 2006

my secret's out

i'm heartbroken.


beside myself.

you guessed it- when i wandered out to my car this morning, something was missing. i'd been hoping to recieve another clever saying- you know, the ones normally reserved for those nasty chalky mini hearts that appear in stores for valentine's day(around halloween)- but noooooooo. there was nothing. nada. zip. zilch.

so, here's what i'm thinking:

~my secret admirer ran out of paper.

~my secret admirer ran out of those inspiring chalky hearts and is waiting for a sale before he/she purchases a new pack.

~my secret admirer ran out of witty numeric sayings.
come on- how hard is it to write "crazy 4 you" or "u r the 1 4 me" or "rocket 2 u"? (oh my- what if my admirer is too young to catch that last reference? am i inadvertantly robbing the cradle? i mean, heck, i've already raided the retirement home....)

~i came home too late for my admirer to put the note onto my car

~my admirer realized his/her mistake, now understands that i am not, in fact, "way 2 hot", and is now leaving notes on someone else's car.

~freud took him/her out in a jealous rage.

actually, i think i'm onto something there, because, let's face it, hot chicks:

~don't fart. i mean, really, do you think angelina won brad over with her ability to clear a room?

~probably don't run around with boxes on their heads saying things like "i am dark helmet"

~wouldn't be caught dead jumping in puddles- especially if there's mud involved. (come on- someone had to teach those two year olds how to do it.)

~can walk seductively in 4" stiletto heels (please- i don't think i've ever put on anything higher than 1 1/2" and chunky. besides, i'm so "girl next door" that i'm afriad if i attempted to put on stilettos, i'd look like i was "playing dress up with mommy's shoes". plus, i like my ankles the way they are- unbroken.

~take more than 20 minutes (including shower) to get ready in the morning. i mean, there's hair to be blow dried and makeup to be applied. i'm afraid i'm a bit too low-maintenance for all that.

~do not roll their windows down while driving to flick boogers (where else should i the severely un-classy folks who engage in this sort of uncouth behavior put them?)

~are able to cook with olives without feeling the uncontrollable urge to do this:

i could go on, but really, who wants to dwell on it?

besides, i thought i saw a couple of puddles along the sidewalk by my building.....


ltlme said...

you need help. don't worry, your lady love is still out there. hehehehehehe

duff said...

that. was. so. wrong.

MamaKBear said...

Hehehe...I had a great chuckle when I got to the olives on the fingers pic!

Thanks, I needed that! :)

Anonymous said...

You are way funny and cool, too. Will you be my sister? ;-)

DrM2B said...

To be honest ...I think Angelina could queef in Brads face and he'd react like it was a bouquet of sterling roses :) I know I would.....!! ***TMI***

anywho....I'm sure they are perhaps rethinking or not wanting to appear stalkish...I'd give 'em a few more days..... :)

Motherdear said...

I dunno, duff, now that your left hand, complete with olives and wedding-type ring, has made it onto the blogosphere, you my have disheartened MANY a suitor!!!

NJ said...

Box on her head say she's dark helmet!? That's hot! ;-)

duff said...

mamakbear: i like to think of it as providing a public service. (i'm not sure exactly what kind, though.)

shhh: sure..and your third cousin once removed, too.

m: i...uh...yeah, definitely tmi. :~)

motherdear: the ring was eight dollars at the phoenix airport a couple of years ago. SO knows not to even attempt to approach me with any significant jewelry yet- i'm way too young for that grown-up stuff.

nj: and how do you feel about moving at ludicrous speed, baby? ;~)

Joefish said...

"probably don't run around with boxes on their heads saying things like 'i am dark helmet' "

Is there anything I can say that will get me video of this?

just thinking said...

uh oh... I thought I was a hot chick until now. sigh.

Mossy Stone said...

OMG, I hope Penny never sees that picture. I would be totally grossed out.

(NOT an olive fan)

Callie said...

I love doing that to olives!!!


There's always the chance that he/she only knows a couple of those cute number sayings, and is rationing them out until V-Day.

Kalani said...

You're so hot I'd eat those olives off your fingers in a heartbeat.

duff said...

joefish: alas, box helmet is a pretty elusive person, and will allow no videos to be taken. however, photo evidence might be available....for a price.

just thinking: it was the olive thing, wasn't it?

mossy: too late- i've already shipped her three cases.

callie: valentine's day? don't get my hopes up there, sister.

kalani: i'm afraid you're too late, kalani- i already did.
wait- there's another can in my pantry......

Labbie said...

Way tu caliente... Still doesn't make sense.

NJ said...

Ludicrous speed?! Not if were surrounded by assholes! I'm a Mog, I'm my own best friend. :-)

Kristi said...

Oh no note.
maybe its a weekend thing!!!

You're not coooking untill you're wearing the food I say

LBseahag said...

I am backtracking on here...opps..

that olive thing is damn hilarious...