Monday, January 16, 2006

my secret's out

i'm heartbroken.

crushed.

beside myself.

you guessed it- when i wandered out to my car this morning, something was missing. i'd been hoping to recieve another clever saying- you know, the ones normally reserved for those nasty chalky mini hearts that appear in stores for valentine's day(around halloween)- but noooooooo. there was nothing. nada. zip. zilch.

so, here's what i'm thinking:

~my secret admirer ran out of paper.

~my secret admirer ran out of those inspiring chalky hearts and is waiting for a sale before he/she purchases a new pack.

~my secret admirer ran out of witty numeric sayings.
come on- how hard is it to write "crazy 4 you" or "u r the 1 4 me" or "rocket 2 u"? (oh my- what if my admirer is too young to catch that last reference? am i inadvertantly robbing the cradle? i mean, heck, i've already raided the retirement home....)

~i came home too late for my admirer to put the note onto my car

~my admirer realized his/her mistake, now understands that i am not, in fact, "way 2 hot", and is now leaving notes on someone else's car.

~freud took him/her out in a jealous rage.

actually, i think i'm onto something there, because, let's face it, hot chicks:

~don't fart. i mean, really, do you think angelina won brad over with her ability to clear a room?

~probably don't run around with boxes on their heads saying things like "i am dark helmet"

~wouldn't be caught dead jumping in puddles- especially if there's mud involved. (come on- someone had to teach those two year olds how to do it.)

~can walk seductively in 4" stiletto heels (please- i don't think i've ever put on anything higher than 1 1/2" and chunky. besides, i'm so "girl next door" that i'm afriad if i attempted to put on stilettos, i'd look like i was "playing dress up with mommy's shoes". plus, i like my ankles the way they are- unbroken.

~take more than 20 minutes (including shower) to get ready in the morning. i mean, there's hair to be blow dried and makeup to be applied. i'm afraid i'm a bit too low-maintenance for all that.

~do not roll their windows down while driving to flick boogers (where else should i the severely un-classy folks who engage in this sort of uncouth behavior put them?)

~are able to cook with olives without feeling the uncontrollable urge to do this:



i could go on, but really, who wants to dwell on it?

besides, i thought i saw a couple of puddles along the sidewalk by my building.....

18 comments:

ltlme said...

you need help. don't worry, your lady love is still out there. hehehehehehe

duff said...

that. was. so. wrong.

MamaKBear said...

Hehehe...I had a great chuckle when I got to the olives on the fingers pic!

Thanks, I needed that! :)

shhhh said...

You are way funny and cool, too. Will you be my sister? ;-)

DrM2B said...

To be honest ...I think Angelina could queef in Brads face and he'd react like it was a bouquet of sterling roses :) I know I would.....!! ***TMI***

anywho....I'm sure they are perhaps rethinking or not wanting to appear stalkish...I'd give 'em a few more days..... :)

Motherdear said...

I dunno, duff, now that your left hand, complete with olives and wedding-type ring, has made it onto the blogosphere, you my have disheartened MANY a suitor!!!

NJ said...

Box on her head say she's dark helmet!? That's hot! ;-)

duff said...

mamakbear: i like to think of it as providing a public service. (i'm not sure exactly what kind, though.)

shhh: sure..and your third cousin once removed, too.

m: i...uh...yeah, definitely tmi. :~)

motherdear: the ring was eight dollars at the phoenix airport a couple of years ago. SO knows not to even attempt to approach me with any significant jewelry yet- i'm way too young for that grown-up stuff.

nj: and how do you feel about moving at ludicrous speed, baby? ;~)

Joefish said...

"probably don't run around with boxes on their heads saying things like 'i am dark helmet' "

Is there anything I can say that will get me video of this?

just thinking said...

uh oh... I thought I was a hot chick until now. sigh.

Mossy Stone said...

OMG, I hope Penny never sees that picture. I would be totally grossed out.

(NOT an olive fan)

Callie said...

I love doing that to olives!!!

:-D

There's always the chance that he/she only knows a couple of those cute number sayings, and is rationing them out until V-Day.

Kalani said...

You're so hot I'd eat those olives off your fingers in a heartbeat.

duff said...

joefish: alas, box helmet is a pretty elusive person, and will allow no videos to be taken. however, photo evidence might be available....for a price.

just thinking: it was the olive thing, wasn't it?

mossy: too late- i've already shipped her three cases.

callie: valentine's day? don't get my hopes up there, sister.

kalani: i'm afraid you're too late, kalani- i already did.
wait- there's another can in my pantry......

Labbie said...

Way tu caliente... Still doesn't make sense.

NJ said...

Ludicrous speed?! Not if were surrounded by assholes! I'm a Mog, I'm my own best friend. :-)

Kristi said...

Oh no note.
*sigh*
maybe its a weekend thing!!!

You're not coooking untill you're wearing the food I say

LBseahag said...

I am backtracking on here...opps..

that olive thing is damn hilarious...