looking for love in all the wrong places

i am so glad i'm not out and about, single and looking. (on a related note, i'm glad i'm not married, either.....but that's mostly because i'm young, selfish, and still waiting for val kilmer to show up at my front door.)

it is a scary world out there.

first, there's the old fashioned way of dating: the blind date.

i am pleased to say i have never submitted myself to this sort of torture. why? well, there's always that chance that the "nice young man" that your well-meaning grandmother's third cousin thinks would be just perfect for you would look something like this:

(i found this stud muffin after a google search pointed me here.)

anyway, i'll pass on the blind dates- even if i'm missing out on the "opportunity of a lifetime".

then came the personal ads, which have been around almost as long as newspapers. (look toward the back pages if you don't believe me.)

the ones in the back of the local rags have always made me giggle the most. i tried to find the latest offerings from our local rag, but that was a bust. (so, i guess i'll have to wait until the next issue comes out to find out whether the couple in georgia "looking for playmates" have met their match yet or not. damn.) to ease my disappointment, i headed over to the kansas city rag, which somehow led me to this specimen:


49, FREE Rent
posted: August 13, 2005, 04:44 PM
Reply:
I am looking for a female roommate and companion to share my apartment in south Overland Park. I will pay for all of the rent and utilities and I will also pay for your food. I believe this is a good opportunity for you to save money if that is what you need to do. The arrangement of free rent and food is in exchange for cooking, cleaning and physical companionship. My apartment has many amenities (including a washer and dryer) and is a one bedroom apartment. I have only one bed, so you will have to be ok with sleeping together. If you are interested, email me a full profile picture of yourself, and then we can set up an appointment for you to come over and we can get to know each other. You can email me at
Location: Overland ParkPoster's age: 49

(i took out the addresses- if you're that interested, click this treasure's link above.)

anyway- where to start? should we tackle the bed situation? notice how nothing is mentioned about a couch. what does this winner do when relatives come to visit? surely they don't......then again, it wouldn't surprise me.

how about the fact that this goober wants a full profile picture (dude- just buy a magazine and save us all some trouble), yet is there any mention of his appearance? i'm guessing if he were remotely attractive, there'd be no need for an ad like this.

finally, my favorite part- the guy wants to set up appointments "for you to come over and we can get to know each other." uh, dude? it's bad enough that your single-bedroom apartment butt is looking for a live in "playmate", but the fact that you're too lazy to just call a freaking escort service speaks volumes.

i pity the poor girls who actually fall for this ploy.

you know what- we could actually go somewhere with this. find the worst local personal ad you can (keep it relatively clean, please- i don't feel like getting flagged by blogger) you can dig up and post it into my comments section below. the winner will get.....errr.....ahh....my undying devotion.

here's one more site i found, for inspiration.

so, personal ads in newspapers....not my bag. i like to laugh at them, but i won't be placing any of my own anytime soon- like before there's a sno-cone shack in hell.

but that's okay- we're in a new time and age now. if you've been living under a rock for the past few years, welcome to the era of online dating.

first, let me fess up. this whole post was inspired by recently walking into one of the studios at the radio station and discovering that the guy on before me had been looking for love on match.com. this reminded me of a site a coworker and i used to giggle at that offered love for those undeterred by little things like prison records. we sorted through some of the more interesting offerings in search of the perfect mate for some of our more questionable coworkers. (i cackle just thinking about it.) sadly, the site we used to giggle at seems to be long gone, but here's an adequate replacement. (if you really have a lot of time on your hands, google each name and see if you can find their crime......hours of fun, there.)

but wait- there's more. whether you're into video games, driving around in circles, mentally ill (you think i'm kidding, don't you?), boating, dwarves, or disabled jewish people, there's a site for you.

none of those tickle your fancy? how about the bar scene? be sure to arm yourself with a few good pick up lines.

find several here, at rabbit's blog. or here, at junegirl's blog. (perhaps after he returns from his vacation, digi could supply us with a few, as well.)

good luck, gang. it's scary out there.