Monday, August 22, 2005

looking for love in all the wrong places

i am so glad i'm not out and about, single and looking. (on a related note, i'm glad i'm not married, either.....but that's mostly because i'm young, selfish, and still waiting for val kilmer to show up at my front door.)

it is a scary world out there.

first, there's the old fashioned way of dating: the blind date.

i am pleased to say i have never submitted myself to this sort of torture. why? well, there's always that chance that the "nice young man" that your well-meaning grandmother's third cousin thinks would be just perfect for you would look something like this:

(i found this stud muffin after a google search pointed me here.)

anyway, i'll pass on the blind dates- even if i'm missing out on the "opportunity of a lifetime".

then came the personal ads, which have been around almost as long as newspapers. (look toward the back pages if you don't believe me.)

the ones in the back of the local rags have always made me giggle the most. i tried to find the latest offerings from our local rag, but that was a bust. (so, i guess i'll have to wait until the next issue comes out to find out whether the couple in georgia "looking for playmates" have met their match yet or not. damn.) to ease my disappointment, i headed over to the kansas city rag, which somehow led me to this specimen:

49, FREE Rent
posted: August 13, 2005, 04:44 PM
I am looking for a female roommate and companion to share my apartment in south Overland Park. I will pay for all of the rent and utilities and I will also pay for your food. I believe this is a good opportunity for you to save money if that is what you need to do. The arrangement of free rent and food is in exchange for cooking, cleaning and physical companionship. My apartment has many amenities (including a washer and dryer) and is a one bedroom apartment. I have only one bed, so you will have to be ok with sleeping together. If you are interested, email me a full profile picture of yourself, and then we can set up an appointment for you to come over and we can get to know each other. You can email me at
Location: Overland ParkPoster's age: 49

(i took out the addresses- if you're that interested, click this treasure's link above.)

anyway- where to start? should we tackle the bed situation? notice how nothing is mentioned about a couch. what does this winner do when relatives come to visit? surely they don't......then again, it wouldn't surprise me.

how about the fact that this goober wants a full profile picture (dude- just buy a magazine and save us all some trouble), yet is there any mention of his appearance? i'm guessing if he were remotely attractive, there'd be no need for an ad like this.

finally, my favorite part- the guy wants to set up appointments "for you to come over and we can get to know each other." uh, dude? it's bad enough that your single-bedroom apartment butt is looking for a live in "playmate", but the fact that you're too lazy to just call a freaking escort service speaks volumes.

i pity the poor girls who actually fall for this ploy.

you know what- we could actually go somewhere with this. find the worst local personal ad you can (keep it relatively clean, please- i don't feel like getting flagged by blogger) you can dig up and post it into my comments section below. the winner will undying devotion.

here's one more site i found, for inspiration.

so, personal ads in newspapers....not my bag. i like to laugh at them, but i won't be placing any of my own anytime soon- like before there's a sno-cone shack in hell.

but that's okay- we're in a new time and age now. if you've been living under a rock for the past few years, welcome to the era of online dating.

first, let me fess up. this whole post was inspired by recently walking into one of the studios at the radio station and discovering that the guy on before me had been looking for love on this reminded me of a site a coworker and i used to giggle at that offered love for those undeterred by little things like prison records. we sorted through some of the more interesting offerings in search of the perfect mate for some of our more questionable coworkers. (i cackle just thinking about it.) sadly, the site we used to giggle at seems to be long gone, but here's an adequate replacement. (if you really have a lot of time on your hands, google each name and see if you can find their crime......hours of fun, there.)

but wait- there's more. whether you're into video games, driving around in circles, mentally ill (you think i'm kidding, don't you?), boating, dwarves, or disabled jewish people, there's a site for you.

none of those tickle your fancy? how about the bar scene? be sure to arm yourself with a few good pick up lines.

find several here, at rabbit's blog. or here, at junegirl's blog. (perhaps after he returns from his vacation, digi could supply us with a few, as well.)

good luck, gang. it's scary out there.


Anonymous said...

If you're a woman, all you have to do is go to the nearest university's engineering department. Bingo - you'll have more dates than you know what to do with, AND someone who'll help you with math.

bricotrout said...

but duff,
ive already got the whole evening planned for us. one of the quickest ways to see if youre a match with someone is to go to the local garbage dump and see what each of you consider 'found treasure'. besides, i was just kidding about #7 and #10

Madge said...

Thank you for commenting on my sunset picture! Living on Florida's west coast does have its advantages. And I'm enjoying your blog, a lot! I got a little carried away going through the local personals of my beloved Tampa. To keep it brief, I am sooo happy I'm not single, too. And for the record - I would rather eat my own eyeball than to ever have to suffer through another blind date.

duff said...

jurgen: ah, math nerds. should i wind up single again, i'll have to test your theory out.

bricotrout: does it count if it wasn't actually in the dumpster, just sitting next to it? i got a bookcase that way once.

too bad about #10- i was looking forward to seeing myself over there.

madge: thanks for stopping by. just out of curiousity, what's the scariest tampa personal ad you've found?

ltlme said... side of the tracks has it's share of pychos too. Hell, I've been on dates with at least half of them!

Madge said...

Bits and pieces of a Tampa personal (start running now!):

On why the ladies should get to know him:

"You shouldn't. I'm mean and vulgar. Don't look at me. Get off my lawn, you pesky kids!

Ok, I guess you should get to know me because I'm funny, compassionate, sincere, interesting, educated. I can appreciate beauty and art. I'm insatiably curious, humble, trusting, and almost totally non-judgemental. Plus I'm rich beyond your wildest dreams. Like Willy Wonka rich."

On his studliness:

"At the risk of making myself seem really dorky right out of the gate, the last great book a read was a history of the number zero and its effects on society at large. Did you know Pythagoras of pythagorean theorem fame was a cult leader who killed people to keep the number zero a secret? If they would've brought that up in high school geometry, I might've paid attention."

On what he's looking for in a lady:

"I'm looking for a girl who will not mind my occasionally bouts with dorkiness. This may include, but may not be limited to, brief and minor obsessions with Star Wars, Batman, Superman, science fiction, Harry Potter, etc. I'd like a girl who can set a goal and strive to reach it. Someone with a career or plans for a career."

My goal is to never meet him! Okay, sorry for the insanely long posting...but guys like this are actually fingernails going down a chalkboard in disguise.

Labbie said...

Don't be hatin'. Some guys just don't have time to meet women on their own... Or their personalities are not permissive toward a relationship with a woman... What with playing Halo, or online poker...
Which reminds me: I went to see "The 40 Year Old Virgin" on Saturday. Funniest. Movie. Ever.
Good thing I got rid of that little item on my "to do" (no pun intended) list.
Okay, I'm babbling... I'm off to sleep. And, Duff, give me more of a heads up when you're coming up this way, that I may coax you into coming to see me play soccer with the boys at the mall... ;)

ltlme said...

and it looks from the above that you've been spammed!!!!

duff said...

madge: wow- willy wonka places personal ads? what is this world coming to?

can anyone else top willy wonka and the math nerd who gets hot over the cult of zero?

lab boy: sure that one's been checked off......riiiiight.

sibling: it appears they've found me. i believe it's time to rethink some of my settings.

well- maybe on my lunch break- i've got tot get ready for work.

Motherdear said...

You know, I never tried a personals ad, but had a friend who did...she stated that the words "attractive", "tall", and "independent" seem to mean different things to different people. And as far as the picture of the poor chap who was someone's blind date...I probably would have taken him home and married him, in other life. (Meaning the words "well-adjusted" mean different things to different people, too...) :-D THANK YOU for the laugh, and for the link, hunny! I'm sincerely flattered to be included amongst such distinguished company!!! (((HUGS))) - even if we're not related!

Online Dating Insider said...

When my grandfather tried to set me up with a girl, she was actually pretty cute.

In fact, I shouldn't say this because I promote online dating, but I think you meet better quality people being set up by your parents, or your sister or brother, or your friend.

Rabbit said...

I actually ended up with G.I. Guy through I will at least protest that it was NOT my idea. The only reason I wound up on the site was because my sister threatened to create a profile for me. And my sister isn't overly fond of me, so God only knows what SHE'D write.

Ooooh, more bad pick-up lines!

Larry said...

Online dating person has a great theory, I just wish my friends knew more available women. As it is, my timing seems to be just a bit off this last few months. Hell, a few weeks ago it was only about 5 minutes off. Getting closer!

Stef said...

Dating scares me. No, really. I'm not about to compete for a guy with women half my age. If the theory that some guys use is to date someone half their age, 80 year olds would be asking me out (I'd pass them on to my 76 year old mother in that case), Viagra in hand. Ewww...

I've dated a younger man (turned out okay for a while...then pfffft!), and I've dated men my age (and they ask if I have a daughter they can chat up. I have no daughters), and the one older man I am currently interested in (and he with me) is happy with being friends for now, and that's fine with me.

just thinking said...

I've never done dating correctly I believe, although I did end up married twice... that should be a clue to me !

Editor said...

Hi, great site that you have here, i have a site that has everything on it that you would like to know aboutcialis generic viagra Be sure to check it out.