Wednesday, May 24, 2006

the complaint department is open for business

i've got a "to do" list as long as my arm this evening, but since i don't want to let down my eight nine readers this evening, i figured i should post something deep and meaningful for you.

i should, but that doesn't necessarily mean i'll be able to pull it off.

with that in mind, let me share a couple of complaints:

issue #1: why, oh why, do the slow people around here feel the need to clog up the fast lane? i'll admit it- one of my major flaws is that i'm a terrible leadfoot. i come by it honestly, as both of my parents had lead feet. (one has since reformed.) consequently, i often wind up zipping down the highway (at the posted speed limit, of course, daddy), feeling like this:

(i found it on the internet, but can't remember where. sorry about that.)

i could not have said it better myself. (perhaps i might incorporate a few other combinations, but would they top these? that's iffy.)

actually, perhaps not all is lost- i think i've finally figured out why you only see single shoes abandoned in the middle of the road. perhaps i should join the masses and simply hurl shoes at drivers who tick me off. (in the interest of killing two birds with one stone, i'll only hurl shoes other people have abandoned- or perviously hurled- in the middle of the road.)

issue #2: why is it the people of nigeria can't seem to find a way to get their fortunes out of the country on their own? i swear, i've almost got the email memorized:

"dear sir or madam;
i am the honourable captain james t. kirk, servant to the equally honourable harold t. stone. my employer has offered to pay me an extra $100 this month if i can send out roughly 2500 spam emails trying to lure some poor shlub into letting me have access to his bank account by promising him numerous thousands of dollars for simply letting us "borrow" his account to "transfer some money" "out of our country".

please be that shlub. my fingers are cramping from all this typing, and i could really use the spare hundred bucks.

sincerely/with kind regards/so long, sucker,
the honorable james t. kirk"

i'm too lazy to look it up (besides, who bothers with boring things like facts these days?), but is the nigerian economy in the toilet? if not, it really should be. i mean, obviously the folks over there have no clue how to handle their money.

perhaps i could sell them some slightly used, undoubtedly aerodynamic shoes.

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