Monday, May 01, 2006

goody two shoes

i must be getting old.....or maybe i'm just a little more straight laced than previously thought. there i was, last night, standing around before a shift on another station, and overheard two of my coworkers talking about a "longhorn lemonade", which is apparantly a concoction involving lemonade and vodka.

what does it say about me that the first thing that popped into my head was that it sounded a hell of a lot better if one got rid of the vodka?

there are so many directions i could take on this, but none of them (including throwing in a gratuitous adam ant reference) would be nearly as amusing as

the top ten reasons why i don't drink anymore

1. i still look underage.
2. though drinking makes me incredibly witty and charming (no, really), my mojo is lost as soon as i open my mouth and something inappropriate (words or *cringing* otherwise) flies out.
3. some drinking establishments in south carolina still use minibottles. tell me, would you pay $12 for a long island iced tea?
4. i once woke up spread eagle on my bed (fully clothed, mind you) with a frying pan in my hand turned upside down. the only situation i can think of that could possibly be more unsettling than that would be rolling over and discovering that you've just spent the night with a 500 pound black bear*.....which appears to be foaming at the mouth the more you look at it, though hopefully, that's just a trick of the light.
5. tequila's totally off limits, due to a rather unholy concoction i once had in college involving it and jello, which i rather liked at the time (or so they tell me), but did not like a couple hours later (so they tell me).**
6. the one and only time i had absolut vodka, i didn't realize (since i was never a huge drinker) that the shots i was consuming were, in fact, doubles, and i'd downed 6, not 5, of them in a relatively short time. from what i understand, this led to me being deposited back at home and waking up roughly six hours later a la #4.
7. beer tastes even worse the second time around.
8. seriously, dude- an upside down frying pan. did i plan on making a grilled cheese sandwich as soon as i woke up, or what?
9. i have a hard enough time getting out of the bed in the morning as is- just the mere mention of the word "hangover" makes my head pound.
10. i'm too klutzy to dance on a table with a lampshade on my head....which i may or may not have already proven at some point during my college career.***

*oh, i thought about coming up with a way to work in "that's not what they mean about "hair of the dog", is it?", but that would be just plain wrong.
**jello's off limits, too. i don't care how sick i am- i'm never touching that stuff again.
***i guess i'll find out for sure at some point when i'm rich and famous and rather embarrassing photos of myself wind up on the front page of weekly world news, right next to the human/black bear hybrid that bears (oops- sorry about that) a strange resemblance to elvis.


NJ said...

I'd quit drinking, but I like being drunk too much.

DrM2B said...

The question is....was there any food out ready to go with that frying pan?!? too funny!....