my not so secret admirer returns!

i almost forgot to share this with you.....this little treasure was in my email yesterday:

Dearest Duff,
I miss you. Enclosed is a picture of me and my host....I tried to crop
her
out but she wouldn't let me.

Love,
Freud

(i tried to upload the picture, but blogger seems to feel the need to censor the picture freud sent. perhaps it's jealous of his large ego.)

back to the future

i figured i'd clear out my inbox today (since i'm unable to declutter my apartment, i figure my email is better than nothing) during my wnok shift (if it's between 10m and 3pm edt, you can catch me on our stream....), but the first email i cleaned out of my junk inbox has left me confused.

it wasn't the subject matter (gain 500% in less than five minutes!), nor the source (SexKitten1505), but the date that got me.

the email was dated january 15, 2038.

funny, i don't feel nearly 60. does this mean that i'll receive one less piece of junk mail in another 32 years?

someone get austin powers on the line- i need answers, and i need them now, dammit!

i also need an explanation as to how this sort of thing is possible, yet i can't seem to convince yahoo to allow me to attach pictures to my emails.

i'd ask SexKitten1505, but i'm sure she's busy tinkering with her flux capacitor.

because you're dirty....

....but you have a good heart.

don't ask- i get strange songs stuck in my head sometimes.....make that all the time. it was "freebird" this morning, and now the cd i've been playing while driving around in SO's car the past few days seems to be etched into my brain.

before the bosses left town this evening, she asked what was wrong with my car. (i'm not exactly the fondest of driving SO's vehicle- i dislike gas-guzzling SUVs* and i'm not a fan of automatics, and SO's wheels somehow combine the worst of both worlds.....but he's got a cd player, which is one little amenity i didn't bother with on my car.)

i explained that we'd swapped while i was on vacation- it seemed a wise idea, since my car gets 29mpg, and his gets...well......12. (no- that's no a typo- we sat down and calculated it once. stupid SUV....)

i explained that we hadn't swapped back because he needs my car (and the car seat strapped in the backseat) to transport the little woman on a daily basis.

it just seemed like a nobler reason than "i'm not finished listening to this bodyrockers cd yet."

*actually, make that SUVs in general. why buy a vehicle that was intended for off road use if you have no intention of ever taking it off the road? just admit it- you have enough kids/crap to need a minivan.

they're lovers, not biters, so why do i itch?

they looked like happy little lovebugs.

those aren't two headed bugs up there....they're just, uh, temporarily siamese twins. (i love having to make up euphemisms, just in case there are any innocent little eyes reading this.)

it seems to be mating season for these critters down here in florida. when i was down here a couple of months ago, these bugs were nowhere to be found, but they seem to be making up for it now. in fact, there were swarms of them when we arrived a few days ago (on friday, to be exact).

initially, we thought they were pretty innocent. i mean, sure- they'd fly up to you in positions clearly drawn from a certain illustrated ancient indian text, but you'd brush them off, and then you'd have a good 30 seconds or so before the next amorous pair decided your body was the perfect setting for their libidinous lovebug lambada.

i wondered why i was so itchy. i mean, i hadn't seen a single mosquito, yet somehow i kept getting bug bites....and when i get bitten, the welts tend to swell, and not just because i'm constantly scratching them.

come to find out, one of my companions had a conversation yesterday with a florida native who informed him that the bugs are harmless....unless you squish them, in which case they release a toxin which- you guessed it- irritates the skin.

aha! perhaps i have not been so gentle in my bug-brushing after all.

this, paired with the fact that i'd carefully packed my razor in a plastic bag and then left it in my bathroom, which translated to having stubble on my legs that most eighteen year old boys would envy*, means i'll be sporting jeans in the 90 degree weather.

*come to think of it, maybe the last few weren't squished- they'd accidentally impaled themselves on my leg hair.

disneyworld deja vu- part one

i know you've been on the edge of your seat, eagerly awaiting one of my usual vacation dispatches. well, wait no more. i need something to do to get my mind off the pain i am currently experiencing due to a bit of overindulgence at boma buffet here at the animal kingdom lodge at disneyworld, and i'm overdue for a post, so i might as well take care of two birds with one stone.

too bad i can't come up with an equally easy solution for my current state....i mean, how bad is it when your stomach winds up sticking out beyond your boobs just because you couldn't resist having three delightfully sinful zebra domes (chocolate, chocolate mousse, angel food cake, and kahlua), which looked kind of loonely on that big ol' plate, so of course i had to add a few things to keep them company, and since i was taught at an early age to eat dinner before dessert, i had 3 other plates of food before i even approached the dessert end of the buffet and good grief my stomach hurts.

anyway, where was i? ah yes- my vacation.

i'm here with my "adoptive" family. it's a long story, but basically i've known keith and rhonda for the past ten years. i am one of four daughters they "adopted" during their stays in ohio and missouri over the years. (i was the second missouri "daughter" and the last of the four overall.)

we arrived here yesterday morning, after holing up in jacksonville thursday night. after checking into the animal kingdom lodge, we pretty much tossed our bags in the room and headed over to epcot center, my favorite park at disneyworld.

(before i continue boring you with the details thus far, let me mention that i'm pounding out this post from our balcony, where the view looks like this:


(i know, i know- i seriously need to strip the polish off my toes and start over. however, i'm on vacation, so i'm not really all that concerned about the issue at the moment.)

oh, and i have another picture i want to post- one of the giraffes moved a bit closer, and i get a clear shot of it, but does blogger want me to share it with you? nooooooo. perhaps i'll put it up on random photos.....or perhaps not. we'll have to see.

so, anyway, we went to epcot yesterday. after a snack in morocco, we wandered around a few of the other countries before heading to the polynesian resort for the ohana dinner. after dinner, we went to the magic kingdom for an hour, and rode the buzz lightyear and stitch rides in tomorrowland. most of the crowd came home after that, but rhonda and i hopped back on the monorail and headed back to epcot to take advantage of the extended hours they offered for resort guests.

roughly four rides, six gift shops/kiosks, and four hours later, we finally made it back to the room.

(to be continued later, in an attempt to trick blogger into letting me post more of my pictures)

disney-vu

hey...wasn't i just here not that long ago?

actually, i'm kidding- we're spending the night in jacksonville, florida, and then we'll drive the last 3 hours to the happiest place on earth.

i'd offer up pictures for your amusement, but, well, i haven't exactly taken any yet. (let's face it- the view of the back of a van's middle row in the dark is not all that thrilling.)

a little lip action?

so all day today, i wondered if i was losing weight. sure, it was a long shot, considering that i didn't eat anything this weekend that wasn't complete and total junk, but hey- my jeans were looser than usual, so maybe i'd actually stumbled upon some secret kfc weight loss plan.

i should have just stayed with that thought, rather than checking the tag in my jeans and discovering that not all of my larger pairs had been put away at the top of my closet.

on another note, we've been playing this a lot at the radio station lately, and i finally listened to the lyrics this morning on the way to work. i'd use it as my profile song, but cute as hinder's lead singer may be, he just doesn't have quite the same appeal as weird al.

baby did a bad bad thing

i did something terribly dangerous last night, and i must discourage you, my three impressionable readers, from following in my footsteps.

what i did last night was extremely risky, and wound up costing me not only precious time and money, but my heart was even a little broken in the process.

for the first time in at least four months, i set foot in best buy.

"so what, duff? that's no big deal. i go there all the time."

yes, jamie, i know you do. however, it's worth pointing out a few little facts:

1. i rarely shop. generally, the only exceptions occur when i'm on vacation (it makes me feel better to add to the local economy, even if it is that of, say, disneyworld. i mean, someone has to pay snow white's salary, don't they?) or SO and i are out of necessities like toothpaste, toilet paper, or cheese.

2. there are only two types of stores where i will find myself hard-pressed to keep my bill under $100: bookstores and music/entertainment stores.

(before i go any further, it's probably worth mentioning that i stopped by waldenbooks on the way to best buy last night, but i'm pleased to report my bill was under $50....mostly because it appears that neither augusten burroughs nor laurie notaro have written anything lately.)

so anyway, after the last best buy excursion (to the tune of $200-something, if i remember correctly), i'd avoided the store like a prom queen avoids having to kiss the captain of the chess team.

until last night, that is....and it's all my sidekick's fault.

i'd finally decided to attend today's birthday party, which left one small problem.

just what do you buy the five-year-old who has everything? i mean, she's into bratz, barbies, princesses and polly pockets, but guess what every other party invitee had been advised to present to her? i needed something original, something that just screamed "duff", something to impress her sufficiently enough that it wouldn't get hurled at the nearest farm animal. (did i mention this party was at a petting zoo? farm animals were all over the place- i didn't want to be responsible for my gift wiping out a chicken or rabbit or other small critter.)

i'm pleased to report i found something perfect, and even more thrilled to report that my sidekick liked it so much that it was one of the few presents that didn't become airborne as soon as it was freed from its wrapping paper.

unfortunately for my checking account, not only did i find the buttercup edition of the princess bride for her birthday, but i also found a special edition set of the original star wars trilogy in a collector's tin for SO's birthday (also today, by the way), as well as a few little things for myself....like the new jason mraz album ($19.99 for a super-duper collector's edition, including a 36-page journal, extra liner notes, and his phone number*....), an inxs dvd, a two-cd robin williams set, jack johnson's latest cd.....no wait- i had to put that one back in favor of a pee wee herman dvd (oh, come on- they're practically interchangable, don't you think?), chris isaak's greatest hits....no, wait- had to put that one back because i grabbed it right before robin williams and, well, even i have to prioritize every once in a while.

ok- maybe that's everything.

"but what about the heartbreak, duff? you mentioned heartbreak, and so far i'm not hearing anything that's bringing a tear to my eye."

ok- since you seem intent on making me relive a painful moment from last night.....

picture our short, blondish hero (uh, that would be me), walking down the dvd aisles of best buy, princess bride already in hand. suddenly, i look down at about ankle level and stop dead in my tracks.

no, i didn't see a giant cockroach/palmetto bug. i saw a movie. not just any movie, mind you, but one of my favorites. this flick has it all- mystery, humor, intrigue, and most importantly, val kilmer.

not only that, but it's one of my favorite kilmer films.....which is why i was....startled to see it marked at only $4.99.

i think i have one reader who, like me, watched gene simmons' family jewels. did you see that episode where gene and his son are shopping for clothes and gene is aghast to find a kiss t-shirt at a vintage store for the bargain basement price of $2? that's about how i felt last night. i briefly considered grabbing a copy of the saint, marching up to the counter, and insisting on paying 20 times the price for it while giving the cashier a lecture on the value of such a cinematic masterpiece, but then it occured to me that, without gene's financial resources, that's a simply ridiculous move. i mean, i tend to get caught up in the principle of things, and the movie's good, but not good enough to render my rent check rubber.

besides, were i willing to spend that much on the saint, something would've had to give, and unfortunately, my backup gift for the sidekick would have definitely taken out least a goose, if not two.

*i'm kidding, but hey- i write all sorts of stuff in my journal- why wouldn't he?

tell me, what's the word?

before you get too excited and get up to grab popcorn and a coke in anticipation of finally learning all the words to that classic hit by cameo (and, more importantly, learning the secret to making your voice sound all funky like that), let me let you down easy-

we're not here to discuss cameo today. we're here to talk about something far more important than a song designed to make you shake your groove thang.

we're here to discuss withdrawal. this is dead serious, and i'm way too cheap to pay for therapy.....which would cut into my vacation time anyway.

i miss pee wee's playhouse.

more specifically, i miss jambi. i miss mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-hiney-hoing around the living room, dining room, backyard, and bedroom. (which is not to say i don't miss mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-jambi-hoing. i just hineyed before i jambied, since that's the way jambi did it, and what was good enough for a blue head in a box was certainly good enough for me.)

even at a young age (the show ran from 1986 until the "incident" in 1991, which means i was 8 when the show started its run and 13 when it ended), i harbored a crush on jambi.....sort of like the one i had on jareth, the goblin king (david bowie, of course) at roughly the same time.

perhaps it was because he was blue.

perhaps it was because he was highly portable. (i mean, come on, the guy lived in a box, for goodness sake)

perhaps it was because he was one of pee wee's least annoying friends.

surely, mama was thrilled when sibling and i discovered pee wee's playhouse. i mean, what was not to love? the squeals of her daughters each time the word of the day was mentioned? the aforementioned mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-hiney-hoing all over the place? not to mention our attempts to dance to "tequila"- though it must be mentioned that we knew better than to jump up on any of her tables to dance.......at least while our parents were around, that is.

we were heartbroken when pee wee was pulled off the air. no more words of the day. no more cowboy curtis. no more mail lady (so that's why that chick on law & order looked familiar.....) most importantly, no more jambi.

it seems i'm not the only one feeling nostalgic. after an hour and a half of digging around on youtube (i really should cut down....maybe not go cold turkey, but i gotta stop getting sucked into that website.), i found these:



how could i possibly have forgotten the balloon thing? that never gets old.

sort of like pee wee himself.

meet my friend, herb

it's not what you think.

i know, i know, you're hoping for a post about everyone's favorite sleazy sales guy, herb tarlek, but i'm just not going to give it to you tonight.

i will, however, supply you with this image to burn into the recesses of your brain:



(actually, i was a johnny fever kind of girl, but that's another story for another post.)

i found out last night something very....odd. furthermore, had i not had some sort of closure before, i certainly have it now.

it seems one of my exes* has his own blog. not only this, but he writes about thrilling topics like drinking, growing herbs (no really- herbs, not "herb"), drinking, why pregnant women shouldn't get special parking spots, drinking, bird nests, and, well, when all else fails howaboutanotherdrink?

wow. i now know exactly why we didn't work out. it wasn't because of my bad taste in music. it wasn't because of the other bullshit reason i was handed at the time. clearly i wasn't the one for him due to my lack of interest in any of the above topics.

instead, i prefer to blog about things like, well, um, ex-boyfriends who write about thrilling topics like drinking, growing herbs (no really- herbs, not "herb"), drinking..........

*to clarify, the ones i still like are "former boyfriends", whereas the ones i don't really wish to admit to dating/am not currently on good terms with are "exes".

oops...she did it again

so there i was, minding my own business- innocently trying to login to my email to see if anyone loves me today- and there it was, big as life and twice as ugly.

it seems britney's had child number two. while britney's second pregnancy hadn't really been in the middle of my radar, for some reason i noticed the headline on yahoo a few minutes ago.

actually, i should rephrase that, i suppose. it was more about what i didn't see.... as in a subheadline about kevin federline finding "love" (who says money can't buy it for you? refresh my memory- wasn't there a story awhile back about how britney had to buy her own ring? but i digress......) with someone else, as happened when his first (and technically, i suppose, second) baby's mama was about to pop.

could it be that federline's actually...i shudder to even contemplate this....matured? or is it more a case of knowing that being married to britney will open far more doors for him and his career than being married to shar jackson would've?

note to recording industry execs: why can't you folks just ignore his knocking and pretend you aren't home, sort of like mama told us to do when we were younger and the jehovah's witnesses stopped by? i mean, really- must we actually have to suffer through that debut album of federline's smooth vocal stylings? isn't 15.99 a bit much to charge for a shiny coaster? looking forward to seeing that in the $2.99 markdown rack, though even that's a high price to pay just so i can replace one of the broken cd cases i have at home.

from what i gleaned by skimming the article, #2 is another boy, and the name is yet to be announced. after the brief controvery over the first kid's name (weren't the initials going to be PMS?), i can hardly wait to find out what this kid gets saddled with.

perhaps even more importantly, how long before the first driving lesson on britney's lap?

this is not a low calorie post

i'll warn you now- i'm feeling a little rambly today.

i came to work with a pile of projects:

~scribble in photo albums from last weekend's trip to zion national park

~read small pile of magazines (rolling stone, details, self, blender) that has accumulated on the back of my couch

~search for plane tickets for thanksgiving (am i flying into kansas city and driving to albuquerque, or should i just fly directly to albuquerque?) and christmas (only one possible destination to worry about, but when should i go?)

~update random photos

~add more photos to the post below

~get caught up on my blog reading

~scribble on avon catalogs

~update bodhi's blog

~find solution to problem of world peace (or, more accurately, lack thereof)

in typical underachiever style (hey- i just got back from vacation earlier this week, remember? i'm trying to ease back into the routine), i have managed to:

~pry my eyelids open (no small feat, i'll have you know)

~read an article on steve irwin (which reminds me- i really should send an email with my condolences to patrick, as he was highly fond of the crocodile hunter, as evidenced by that time when we were making out and he yelled "crikey". okay- maybe i made that last part up, but believe me, he loved that show.)

~skimmed the first half of rolling stone

~after lamenting the fact that my jeans feel a bit tighter than they were before my big hiking trip (too many baby cheeses, i think), nuked a double cheeseburger for lunch. upon opening the microwave, i was reminded of the time i tried to nuke a leftover ham and cheese melt from arby's....in a foil wrapper. you know that scene in pump up the volume where the chick shoves all of the silverware into the microwave and it, like, blows up? my ham and cheese melt didn't get quite that far, but there's still a lovely scorch mark on the back wall of the microwave.

i mean, uh, how the hell did that get there?

which reminds me- it seems everyone i know is expanding. i thought i was the exception to the rule...until i pulled on these jeans. it could be worse, though- one of the bosses was a tad concerned thursday because he had to temporarily retire not one, not two, but three pairs of pants, due to his expanding gut.

i sort of felt bad for the guy.....until i came home from picking up his firstborn child yesterday and noticed the big freaking box of krispy kreme doughnuts on the kitchen counter.

since i sincerely doubt there's a new version of atkins for folks with a serious sweet tooth, i ever-so-gently inquired as to how these confections were going to help him regain the ability to fasten the buttons on those pants.

"wait a minute.....weren't you just bitching about being unable to stuff yourself into your pants?"

(okay- maybe that's not quite how i phrased it, but i know for a fact that he doesn't come anywhere near my blog, so i'm not going to get called out on it.)

"those are for (insert name of sidekick here)"

riiiiight. and reheating my cheeseburger magically breaks down all 450 calories so they'll have no effect on me whatsoever.

come to think of it, perhaps i should add "rollerblade a few dozen laps around the clear channel building" to my "to do" list.

did you miss me?

i wandered off into the wilderness.....and when i ran out of baby cheeses (oh, how i love the baby cheeses!), i knew it was time to come back home. the trip back from phoenix (and, ultimately, zion national park in utah)was far less eventful than the trip out, though i'm still pondering why the background music delta plays as folks are boarding/deplaning includes a muzak version of "blue monday" by new order.

i'm too busy doing laundry to share every exhaustive detail with you (though, if you remind me, i may be talked into posting the photos of the gnome abduction by a squirrel on one of the blogs for your enjoyment), but that won't stop me from sharing a few pictures....more of which will be found on random photos and bodhi's blog over the next few days.


navajo bridge- the only way to get a car across the grand canyon.


45 states down, 5 to go

in front of the upper emerald pool, which obviously possesses magical powers, as my chest looks huge for some reason.


the virgin river, which carved zion canyon, as seen from the bridge to the emerald pools trails.

naturally, i have about 450 other pictures i could post, but i also have a large pile of stinky hiking apparel to defunk. if you don't hear from me within the next three days, please send a search crew after me. i fear my funky hiking socks more than any mountain lion.....