Saturday, April 07, 2007

miami by the numbers

i know you've been waiting on the edge of your seat to find out whether or not i did, in fact, make it out of miami without winding up as the inspiration for an episode of csi. (and by "you", i'm obviously referring to both of my readers.)

in a word, yes.

since it took me three hours to scribble the trip summary into my journal the other day (and not just because i kept cracking up every time i thought about a rather unlikely conversation with my bosses involving the correct pronounciation of pretty much the most famous female adult movie star ever, which somehow degraded into ponderances regarding taking molds of rather personal body parts for mass production......but i digress), i'll give you the highlights:

number of times master thespian david caruso took off his sunglasses, gazed at me (because i was blocking his view of the sunset), and said something profound: 0 (my time inside miami city limits was spent waiting for red lights to turn green.)

number of crime scenes we passed when my young charges and i took a mile long (at most) stroll near our hotel: 1 (i'm still not quite sure what happened at said crime scene, but i'm guessing that the four cop cars were called in for something slightly more serious than a missing pet.)

number of times we were shot at while wandering through the crime scene: 0 (woo hoo!)

number of adult film conventions in town last weekend: 1

number of adult film conventions i attended last weekend: 0

number of times my boss mispronounced jenna jameson' name: 1

number of times his wife asked how i knew who she was: 1

number of jenna jameson flicks i've actually seen: 0

number of mornings spent picking up seashells on the beach: 4

number of very large people in very small swimsuits edited out of the above photo: 1

number of giant conch shells i still have yet to find: all of them

number of national parks visited last weekend: 2

the everglades
biscayne national park

number of park employees i wound up having a ridiculously long conversation with: 1

number of park employees i was accused (by a 9 year old) of flirting with: 1 (i swear i was just getting trip advice. i mean, sure, he was cute, and i suppose him telling me he hoped he'd see me again real soon could have been seen as flirting or something, but i'm pretty sure he was just being friendly to an obvious tourist.)

number of times this sort of thing has happened before: 2 (brown vs. board of education site in topeka, kansas; tuzigoot national monument near clarkdale, arizona)

number of hours it took to get a meal at the ft. lauderdale ihop: 1.5

number of hours our waitress was missing in action while we waited for our food: 1 (seriously, lady, couldn't your lunch wait until after we'd been brought ours?)

number of detours on the way home: 1 (sushi in orlando, anyone?)

number of strange items found in my hair following the post-sushi swim: 1 (interestingly enough, no one wanted to claim ownership of the mysteriously appearing booger)

number of times i shampooed post swim, just because i was perhaps a wee bit grossed out. i mean, wouln't you be pretty concerned if someone else's booger had taken up temporary residence on your noggin after an otherwise relaxing swim?: 3

number of waterparks visited during said detour: 1 (typhoon lagoon)

number of times yours truly was hit on at said waterpark, whilst wearing the jaw-droppingly fabulous white bikini: 0 (some things never change, i guess)

number of alcoholic beverages introduced to yours truly during the trip: 3 (mojito, sake, and whatever you call the mojito's fiesty brazilian cousin)

number of times yours truly was called a "chatty cathy" after two mojitos and a crown & ginger: 4 (though it is entirely possible that i was hearing double by that point.)

number of times yours truly was called a "chatty cathy" by master thespian david caruso, as he took off his sunglasses and stared into the sunset: *sigh* damn.


Chris said...

Sorry you were not hit upon by any thesbians while wearing the jaw droppingly fabulous white bikini, but hey! Three new beverages does not sound bad.

Chris said...

P.S. How _DO_ you know about Jenna Jameson?

duff said...

chris: on the bright side, i wasn't hit on by any lesbians, either.

chris, part deux: who, besides my boss, doesn't?

Chris said...

I wonder if there are any other types of esbians besides thesbians and lesbians?

I, of course, have no idea who Jenna Jameson is either. You believe me right?