Saturday, August 12, 2006


yesterday morning, i woke up and stumbled to the computer to find this in my inbox:

not only was the image in my inbox, but kal was kind enought to leave me a message on my last post calling my attention to a picture that might be of interest over on his blog.

you guessed it:


i know exactly why SO sent the picture- he's poking fun at the val kilmer clause again.

for the new readers in the crowd, let me explain the val kilmer clause:

from the beginning of our relationship, the val kilmer clause has been one of those unwritten rules. while i undoubtedly love SO, if val kilmer shows up at our front door and asks me to spend some clothing-optional quality time with him, i am allowed to go.

(please note: while it is the "val kilmer clause", i have also reserved the right to add a couple of additional celebrities to the clause. unfortunately, matthew mc conaughey seems to have misplaced the directions to my apartment.)

in exchange for a night/week/month/couple of years with val, SO is allowed equal priviliges with his list of dream women: denise richards, sheryl crow, shannon elizabeth, elizabeth hurley, and just about any other leggy, long-haired brunette who walks across the tv screen, especially if she happens to be clad in a sun devils cheerleading uniform (because of course we all have one of those in our closets).

anyway, it seems that there's a movement afoot to dissaude me from including val in the val kilmer clause.

in one corner, my dear sibling has been campaigning against val, citing his current age (46- admittedly, a veritable relic from the days before the discovery of the wheel) and girth. i also get to hear weekly mumblings about val playing a gay cop a little too well (he's a hell of an actor- what can i say?), and kal has been echoing my sibling's sentiments lately, trying to replace val with younger, hunkier actors.

and then there's SO. when pictures surfaced showing val supposedly "making out" with paris hilton, SO was kind enough to forward me the link before our morning show covered it. any time val makes the news for some reason that might potentially make him less attractive, i'm the second to know, thanks to SO. so, i suppose his sending the picture my way is an attempt to convince me that val is now old and unsexy and should he show up at our front door, i should recoil in horror and slam the door in his face.

here's the flaw in his cruel and devious plan:

i actually like imperfections.

i mean, who wants to be with a veritable adonis? no, really. i'm afraid that if the val kilmer of 21 years ago (shit- has it really been that long since "real genius?") were to show up at my door, i'd be too obsessed with my bodily imperfections to speak, let alone shed some clothing. so, in a way, val's actually more appealing now that he's imperfect, because he's no longer a god- he's a flawed human.....who surely is going to be too busy thinking about his stomach to give my mildish cellulite issues a second thought.

kal and SO: 0 val kilmer (gut and all): 1


Shawn said...

Dear Duff,

I thought that was George W. Bush. A first glance, anyway....(no?)

I will forever be afraid to scrool down your blog.


Shawn said...


duff said...

f-stop? that's funny- i have a gnome by that name.

i am sure i have far scarier things elsewhere on this blog.

Shawn said...

Nothing that disgusted, scaried, and made me twitch at the same time. One of those quick panics, then i continued reading, Thank god

Kal said...

So, you like a man with imperfections? It's so sad that I'm perfect in every way...

Bite Me said...

I think I'm a bit of a celbrity! You could always sleep with me, someone once said that I kinda looked like a cross between Val Kilmer and Kip Winger. I was insulted at the time, more about the Winger reference though.

freewriter said...

Sounds like true love if you still want him with a big belly and all. But then he can afford a kickass personal trainer and could get that off in a month if he so chose.