know what's wrong with the alphabet?

so, i post about not having anything to post about, and then a couple of hours later, i'm posting again. go figure. (i'm pretty sure it's too early in the month for pms-related moodswings, but hey- i'm a cancer...life's expected to be filled with moodswings, according to the horoscope book i have in the back of my closet, lurking somewhere beneath the pile of jeans that haven't fit since high school and the rubberband-bound piles of holiday cards from years gone by.*)

which reminds me (bear with me- this may actually wind up making sense, which doesn't happen often around here), over the holidays (you know, when i wasn't furiously scribbling out holiday cards) i bought a new book (or eight, actually)- the it's happy bunny astrology book....which reminds me of the book SO bought for me last week- the it's happy bunny book of love.** the latter is an indispensible guide for getting into (and back out of) a relationship. why it isn't at the top of the bestsellers list is beyond me.

warning: that website's dangerous- i've already found four things in the shopping area i can't live without, like this. we now return you to your irregularly scheduled reading.

anyway, with valentine's day on the horizon (c'mon hon- tell me what you want already, or else i'll have to resort to the same boring apparel from that store that starts with "fred" and ends with "hollywood". (not that you'll ever get me to come right out and name names, of course- i'm a good girl, and i wouldn't be caught dead in a store like that.)), i've got love on the brain.***

which naturally leads to a discussion of


useful ways of attracting the opposite sex

1. when in the presence of the object of your affection, get so insanely nervous that you are unable to speak in full sentences or even conjugate simple verbs. (hey, caveman-speak is sure to win them over. after all, it worked for cavemen, didn't it?)

2. playfully punch the object of your affection whenever they're near. (sadly, this was actually a favorite tactic of mine for longer than i'd care to admit.)

3. call the object of your affection while less than sober and tell them how much you love them. (i have never done that. however, i have, while slightly less than sober, found myself crying about a crush for no apparent reason...which is one of the many, many, many reasons why the strongest thing i drink anymore is 0 proof.****)

4. buy him/her a drink*****, and follow it up by introducing yourself and laying one of these snappy pickup lines on him/her:


crickets.

hmmm...that's not good. i mean, how are you going to attract the future love of your life****** without a good pickup line?

i have one main source of pickup lines- my journal. (you want to know why, don't you? admit it- you do.)

when i was in high school, the object of my affection was a boy who i have to be somewhat careful talking about, since i have reason to believe he checks my blog at least twice a day, and therefore will recognize himself immediately. anyway, this boy and i had all sorts of phone conversations, including a third-and-fourth person conversation involving a hypothetical relationship******* and several discussions of pickup lines that don't work on me, but make me laugh, which does work....so i guess they were effrective after all, come to think of it.

anyway, being the typical teenager of the female persuasion, i dutifully recorded everything in my journals, and i know in at least one of them, i have an exhaustive listing of every pickup line andy he used on me.

somewhere.

however, that somewhere isn't here, and therefore, i need to enlist your aid in compiling an exhaustive list of bad pickup lines. in order to give hopeful romeos (and juliets, i suppose) adequate time to practice these lines in front of their mirrors before the big day, i'll post the best suggestions by monday evening, at which point we can vote on the most original, most effective, and most whatever else i can come up with, with meaningless prizes to be awarded on tuesday.

sound like a good plan? is anyone not confused? please leave your offerings in the comments section below.********

*not counting this year's cards, of course- only half of those have been put up on the wall, and the other half are on the back of the couch, next to the roll of scotch tape.

**titles are approximate, as i'm at work and don't exactly have the books in front of me.

***and by "love", i mean "bad pickup lines", but we'll get to those in a minute.

****not counting cough syrup, of course

*****wild cherry pepsi for me- thanks.

******or meaningless fling- your choice.

*******yes, i've always been mature for my age, relationship-wise. thanks for noticing

********did i mention that, since i'm on the air this weekend (10-3 est), i may share some of your lines with my audience?