having had both caffeine and adrenaline, i think i'll stick with the former.

sometimes, exciting stuff happens.

last night (well, technically, early this morning) was one of those times. 

i can only come to the conclusion that the universe knows my holiday letter is as yet unwritten and has therefore decided to give me more interesting experiences to add to it this year. unfortunately, the excitement from less than 24 hours ago was not of the "hey....i picked the right powerball numbers" variety. it was more of the "potentially pants-wetting" variety. 

there i was, minding my own business, thrilled by the fact that the incoming calls here at the answering service had finally slowed down, when i saw tail lights in between the cracks in the blinds covering the window in front of my workstation. since this neighborhood is mixed business/residential, i figured someone had merely gotten lost leaving the strip club down the road at 4am and needed a place to turn around. 

then, the banging started. 

i was 90% certain all of the doors were locked (there's one i never check, but no one ever uses it, so i trust it's secured), but after the second bang, i dialed 911.

i was on the phone with the 911 operator when i heard the crash. i assumed it meant someone had gotten in the back door- the one i never check. about a minute later, he was standing across the room from me:

he looked just like this, except he was black, a little under 6" tall, skinny, wearing black sweats, and too surprised to see me to say anything, much less "heh heh heh".

had i not been trying to determine whether or not he had a weapon*, i might have been tempted to inquire as to whether he was trying to find tp for his bunghole. 

thankfully, he was more scared of me than i was of him**, and fled back down the hall and through the window from whence he came. 

meanwhile, i was still on with the dispatcher, who was working on summoning help for me. i looked out the window to try and obtain the license plate number as they squealed out of the driveway, but all i could see was that it was a dark, pontiac grand am-sized car with a 90 day temporary tag. 

the cops showed up a couple of minutes later. naturally, i was a little hesitant to let anyone in without knowing exactly who they were, so the dispatcher had to confirm their identities before i unlocked the door. 

it took a few minutes to determine how the kid had gotten in- i could've sworn the crash was from the back door, but everything was locked. i think the officers thought i was making this up.....until one of them noticed that the air conditioner in one of the rooms down the hall had been shoved to the side and there was now a gap about a foot wide next to it. (did i already mention that he was a skinny little dude?)

after they gathered a little information from me, two of the officers left the third to dust for prints. (i was asked whether or not he'd been wearing gloves. i replied that i hadn't noticed. i was busy being relieved he wasn't brandishing a weapon.) i went back to my calls, while waiting for the owner of the business to show up. 

the last officer left before the business owner arrived, but he gave me a case number, as well as a number to call to have him redispatched, if needed. when the owner got here, he told me this was the only break in they'd had in the eleven years they've owned this building. the only other incident of any sort during that time was about a month ago, when the other girl who handles third shift was confronted by the stripper next door who was fleeing from her abusive, crackhead boyfriend. (she was pretty shaken up by that, so i can only imagine what this morning's incident would've done to her.)

the owner offered to stay if i was uncomfortable being by myself. i told him i was fine, but while he was here, i'd appreciate it if he'd unlock the back office, where the supplies were kept. 

the guy who broken in may not have needed the tp, but the roll in the bathroom was empty and i still had a couple of hours left in my shift.

*thankfully, he wasn't packing. otherwise, i assure you i would've been packing something in my pants.

**actually, we were probably about even on that

not a significant source of saturated fat or calcium....

howdy.

if the contents of my weekend were listed on a nutritional label, the ingredients would be: job #1 (formerly job #4), naps, job #2, vanilla coke, job #3, thanksgiving leftovers, exercise (less than 2% by volume)

so, i'm afraid there won't be any epic posts from me for a couple of days, while i try to get caught up with myself. hope you don't feel gypped. 

to entertain you while i'm gone, might i suggest one of my favorite sites, though it isn't recommended for children or those with sensitive ears....errr.....eyes:

www.theoatmeal.com

i'd like to thank the academy.....

i have always wanted to say that.

over on facebook, i've seen friends posting all month about the things they're thankful for. it's been a while since I last posted a list over here, so i suppose now is as good a time as any to take care of two birds (turkeys, perhaps?) with one stone:

ten things i'm thankful for at the moment

1. i've always been the "glass is half full" sort. 

sometimes, shit happens. however, it's usually possible to step over it and keep it from totally ruining your day (and those sweet new shoes you just spent a fortune on.)

2. it doesn't take much to make me happy.

in fact, today i noticed there was mistletoe in my favorite tree, and that was enough to make me happy. seriously- seeing mistletoe was enough to do it. imagine what would happen if i had a winning powerball ticket....

 (on the other hand, i know people who are never happy, no matter how much they have. i pity those people.)

3. my parents raised me to have a decent work ethic

this has come in pretty handy on multiple occasions- especially with my recent job change.* my sibling and i were taught at a very young age that if we needed money, we needed to find a job. (in my case, that's usually meant adding on another job.) self sufficiency is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

4. i have very good friends/family.

they'd probably take my collect calls from jail, even if they might not actually pay my bail. were i to wind up in the hospital, seemingly unresponsive, they'd have the doctors checked to make sure i'm not actually suffering from "locked in" syndrome. they live in places i want to visit... and give me a place to crash when i darken their doorsteps. they look after my mini saber tooth when I'm out of town. they let me vent. they send me care packages. they keep my secrets. they warn me when there's something stuck in my teeth- and when i've gotten toilet paper stuck to my shoe.....again. they let me use their song pop accounts** when i feel the need to show off my musical identification prowess. they don't openly wince when i massacre those same songs on karaoke night. in short, they pretty much rock.

5. while I'm far from rich, i make enough to pay the bills and be able to travel.

life is short, and the world is a mighty big place. 

6. i've never been the sort to get drunk and wind up topless on film (or in pixels).

i will be even more grateful for this if/when i become famous- i have no doubt. 

7. i'm not allergic to cheese.

i know this sounds silly to you, but believe me, a life without cheese is something i cannot fathom- and not just because string cheese = instant happiness. 

8. like my dad, i don't take life too seriously. 

life is short....might as well have at least a little fun. when i get around to getting hitched, i can assure you it won't be to a stuffy grown up. it'll be to someone who appreciates my childlike exuberance and zest for life.***

9. i have my health and my youthful good looks.

the former is more important than the latter by far, and not just because i'm currently uninsured. 

10. i can spare a little to help out others.

warm fuzziness from helping others makes me pretty happy, too. (not as happy as getting kissed under mistletoe, mind you, but it ranks above both string cheese and those little baby cheese wheels that come encased in wax.)

*don't worry- it'll be in the holiday letter this year.

**i'd get a gadget and set up my own but, seriously, i'd become an addict and never get anything else done.

***and my puns. gotta be able to appreciate my puns, most of which are bad. 

stuffing: in me? yes; holiday letters in envelopes anytime soon? not so much.

thanksgiving is almost upon us, and you know what that means.

stove top stuffing (forgive me, but sometimes i'm just too lazy to whip out the family recipe) is on sale for dirt cheap at the grocery store.

retailers have had their christmas stuff out on display for at least a month now. 

so far, three holiday catalogs have come in the mail from the world wildlife federation, urging me to symbolically adopt animals.*

someone, somewhere, is playing "a message from the king". 

i have about six weeks to get my holiday letter written, printed, folded and mailed to a list of friends and relations that's approximately ten times the number of times "turkey" is mentioned in "the thanksgiving song":

 

the countdown has begun. the drafting of the letter, however, has not. i have several excuses at the ready:

       excuse #1: home computer on strike.

(it gave me the blue screen of death the other day, then went into a seemingly endless bootup loop. lacking the patience to deal with it, i'm not even touching it this weekend, in the hopes that the mini-vacation will inspire it to behave itself on monday.)

       excuse #2: too busy working.

(in the grand scheme of things, being able to pay the rent ranks higher than getting my letter out on time.***)

       excuse #3: planets poorly aligned

(seriously. i cannot get things done when the moon is in jupiter and pluto is no longer considered a planet. however, this alignment means that the best numbers for powerball this week are: 10, 25, 37, 45 and 56, with 3 as the powerball.****)

i swear i'll get started on it one of these days- most likely after i've figured out how to fit 27 boxes of stove top into my pantry. 

*aside from the fact that they send an annoying number of notices in the mail, i highly recommend them- and not just because some of their plush animals are stinkin' cute.**

**sea turtle excepted. one of my favorite animals, and somehow, they've made it look like it was squeezed out of a relish bottle or something.

***recipients of said letter, especially those toward the end of the alphabet, know that "on time" generally means "sometime before martin luther king jr's birthday". 

****let me know if that actually works out for you, so i can tell you where to mail my share of the winnings. 

lost....and found

it's been quiet around here......almost too quiet. 

for that, i apologize. 

i used to post religiously, and then i went on hiatus, and then i posted sporadically, and then i went back on hiatus, and then i had a streak of posts and then i disappeared for a brief period (during which i ran away to florida to, well, run, actually.)

and now i'm back. 

looking at my little stat tracker thingamajig*, it appears a couple of folks missed me, including the person in peru who searched for "gerard batler look" and found me, as well as the individual somewhere in texas who was trying to find a picture of "gerard depardieu skinny".

i don't think they found exactly what they were looking for here, but how often does one really find exactly what they're looking for? i mean, i've yet to come up with the violet velvet doc martens one of my tennis partners sported in high school. (black velvet? yes. purple? no. allanah myles would be satisfied. i, however, am not.)

on a vaguely related note (believe me, it's a stretch, but at 1am, you should expect such things from me), i'm really looking forward to finally being able to witness a celestial event later this evening. the leonid meteor shower is supposed to peak just before dawn, and for once, the skies are clear here. since i'm working, i won't have long to look, but if i can find just one shooting star, i'm going to declare it a success.**


*yes, that is a technical term.

**hey- at least it puts me ahead of the person looking for "gerard batler"....

in which i rock and roll all night....

actually, i haven't decided how i'm going to be spending my extra hour this evening.

for most folks, this is a non-issue, as the hour we* fall back happens at 2am, when most of the population is fast asleep. of the past 12 years that i have lived in south carolina (i know- it doesn't seem like it's been that long to me, either!), i have reaped the rewards of an extra hour of sleep a few times, but i have enjoyed getting paid for an extra hour of work a greater number of times.

most of that pay came from one radio station or another. the first time we "fell back" after i moved here, i was working overnights at a rock station. i can't, for the life of me, remember whether i pulled the saturday night overnight shift over at the classic rock station or the "modern" rock station, but one way or another, i assume i was able to either play this:

or else i was trying to figure out if i could get away with playing this**:

by the following year, i was gainfully employed by the top 40 station in town, where this might have been on the playlist:

more likely, though, i was stuck spending part of the extra hour talking to the "marble mouthed man", who liked to call local radio stations in the middle of the night and try to hit on female djs. (i know i've talked about him before, though it was a long, long time ago. if you search for "marble" on here, he'll probably come up toward the top of the results, especially since it's not like i've devoted posts to extolling the virtues of fancy countertops or anything like that.)

after a few years at that station, i found myself across the hall at the country station. i'd give you a "night" song i might have possibly played over there, but given that i spent my time at the country station feigning a fondness of country music, i prefer to give you a more current guilty pleasure of mine:****

by last year, i was no longer working the overnight shift at the country station, so i'm pretty sure i got that extra hour of sleep that most folks will enjoy this evening. 

this year, however, i'm back to working overnights on the weekends- this time for an answering service. there won't be any real rocking or rolling this evening, unless i get bored between calls and decide to burn calories rolling around the building in one of the "less than stable chairs" we have floating around. (while most are perfectly normal, there's one that no one warned me about. i sat in it and almost immediately wound up on the floor. i believe my reaction, aside from laughing my head off, of course, was to declare that it was not a chair, but a thrill ride.)

fortunately, at this job we answer for a lot of hospitals and medical practices, so when i injure myself, at least i should be able to get medical attention within a reasonable amount of time.*****

*except for arizonians, of course

**answer: probably not. sadly, in 2000, slaughter didn't really have a niche in the current music scene, despite the fact that they toured that summer with danzig, cinderella and poison***

***i know, because i went to the show in kansas city that summer, just before i moved out here. unfortunately, the other two musketeers and i miscalculated the line-up at that concert, and instead of missing danzig's show while we were at the local tattoo/piercing parlor, we inadvertently missed slaughter's performance. while jamie and lisa were relatively unfazed, i was almost as annoyed by this miscalculation as i was at the drunk concertgoers who kept talking about my blue hair. (it was purple, dammit.)

****holy crap- when did corey feldman and debbie gibson become old enough to be believable parents of someone over the age of ten? that's just not cool. it reminds me of that "star trek" reboot, where winona ryder was cast as spock's mother. :~(

*****thank goodness there are folks in the medical profession who aren't getting that extra hour of sleep, either.