Wednesday, May 02, 2007

it burns! it burns!

sometimes i think i take klutziness to a whole new level. (though, if i'm ever feeling litigious, i will deny that i ever felt even the tiniest bit responsible for my injuries....remind me to adjust this post before filing any lawsuits down the road, ok?) even at a young age, i had the ability to injure myself in ways most other folks could never have conceived.

i went through two pairs of glasses in less than a week in elementary school. i don't remember many details, but i remember the red pair i really liked met its end quite prematurely- one whole day after purchase- because i apparently had problems with the whole "left foot, right foot" concept.

early in my high school career, i wound up with trampoline burn after an afternoon trying to flip and land on my feet at a friend's house. considering how much my nose hurt, i promptly rescinded any fantasies i ever had involving trampolines and gratuitous nudity with the opposite sex.

later in high school, i wiped out running down some stairs at a wrestling meet and wound up with thriteen stitches and a shattered tooth......but you've heard that story already, haven't you?

i'm trying to remember if i had any major college injuries. i'm sure i did, though i think i can attribute most of my minor trips, falls, and stumbles on the typical college student's beverage of choice.

about a year and a half ago, there was the infamous "unintended skylight incident", where yours truly, while retrieving a ream of paper from the bosses' attic, missed a stud (then again, don't most of us, at one time or another?) and somehow wound up with 98% of my body on the upper floor, and the other 2% dangling in midair.

i've actually been pretty smooth since then (except for wrenching my ankle on the trampoline last year), so i figure i was probably overdue for tonight's ridiculously stupid injury.

when i was at the hunky orthodontist's office yesterday, he decided to rearrange a few things on my braces. nothing too major, mind you, but as a result of the change, i have an extremely sore upper jaw, and a mildly sore lower one. however, this evening was a little bit of a bummer (nothing like finding out you wasted multiple hours doing paperwork that didn't need to be done), and minor discofort was not going to keep me from enjoying one of those 50% off cadbury creme eggs i picked up right after easter.

the hard, chocolatey exterior was no match for me and my brilliant plan. i figured fifteen seconds in the microwave would soften the chocolate up adequately, and then i could bite off the top f the egg and suck out the filling as usual.

note to self: never nuke a cadbury creme egg for more than ten seconds.....and then let someone else test it for edibility.

had i had a willing guinea pig available, perhaps i would not currently have to suck on ice cubes in an attempt to soothe my fried tastebuds. you see, while the hard chocolatey exterior remains both hard and chocolatey during nuking, that delicate creme center (and what the heck is that, besides water and sugar?) gets very, very, very hot.

i'm not sure who exactly is responsible for this phenomenon, but i think that, like on mc donald's coffee cups, some sort of warning should be printed. perhaps i should retain a lawyer for this matter. i'm thinking pain and suffering....and perhaps even a little consideration for my loss of work and the troubling flashbacks i think i might have every time i eat or drink something hot.

since i know these things can take a while, i suppose i have time to determine whether i'd prefer my settlement in cash, or caramel eggs...............


Jo said...

Don't put jaw breakers in the microwave either. They explode....

duff said...

really? are we talking about a small "pop" before melting, or a larger "risk blowing out the glass door" sort of explosion? i am strangely fascinated by the possibilities, here.

Jo said...

pretty big was on mythbusters!

duff said...

hrm. this sounds like an experiment worth attempting on one of the high quality microwaves here at the radio station some weekend......