Sunday, March 18, 2007

a little post-st. pat's bathroom humor

*though it was hard to see the humor while doing the "pee pee dance"

st. patrick's day is a huge affair in most college towns, and little ol' columbia, south carolina, is no exception.

for the past 25 years, five points (near the usc campus) has been the place to celebrate with a parade, live music, and the traditional green beer. i braved the crowds six years ago, when i worked at the classic rock station in town and wound up onstage with the other part-timers to introduce a local band.*

i am still feeling the festive spirit six years later, and consequently i haven't made my way to the celebration since.

this st. patrick's day, i worked a few hours at the radio station, played tennis for a couple of hours, and then SO and i spent the afternoon/evening together. in addition to lunch at quizno's, $200 worth of grocery shopping, and another $130 at vickie's (during my recent spring cleaning, it became apparent that i needed to purchase a few new dainty underthings.....besides, i had a coupon.), we managed to take in not one, but two movies.

in between flicks, i found myself regretting being what our friends scott and karen would call "well-hydrated". remembering that last weekend the women's facilities at our neighborhood movie theatre were out of order (which makes me wonder how many people had to get overzealous with the toilet paper to completely shut down our private 18 hole sanctuary), i was a wee** bit nervous about my situation.

while i was thrilled to see the "restroom closed" signs had been removed from the women's restroom, i was also surprised to see that new signs had been tacked up both on and next to the door.

it seems that someone, in their great wisdom, decided that it would be a good idea to have a little gender-bending fun in the movie theatre. suddenly, the men were using the women's restroom, and the women were using the men's. all things being equal, there probably wouldn't have been a problem. however, when it comes to such facilities, all things are very rarely, if ever equal.
you know how there are often lines in women's restrooms, yet the men's restrooms are wait-free? i can't remember whether or not i posted about that particular phenomenon after finding myself sneaking into a men's restroom in a bar back in december.....but if i didn't, i should have.
anyway, since there's always a line for the women's restroom, but never the men's, you would think that if rooms were swapped, the line would be diminished, if not disappearing completely, right?


the einstein who concocted this cockamamie plan forgot to take into account the inability of most women to sidle up to a urinal and let fly, preferably without getting their knees and/or ankles wet. furthermore, i'm not sure how many guys are open to sharing bodily waste receptacles, but somehow we went from having 18 seats to having six, plus a whole wall of "standing room only".
however, as i understand it, things could have been worse. back at the st. patrick's day festivities in five points, not only did one have to pay $10 to enjoy the music and crowds, but the port-a-pots were roped off, and the only way to gain entry was to pay a $5 fee. alternately, you could pay a $2 or $3 cover charge to get into one of five points' many drinking establishments, which would entitle you to use their facilities for the low, low price of "free".

when i was told about all of this, i pointed out that even in the pay toilets in europe, one does not have to shell out $5 to take a whiz.that said, i would be interested to know how much money was brought in with the "pee fee". i mean, a college town filled with drunken revelers who no doubt had to "break the seal" sooner or later....had i thought of that deviously brilliant plan, i'd have enough money to fly to europe just to pee.

*please note: that was my first and last time onstage in public as a "radio personality". in addition to the introduction of the band, we threw out souvenir t shirts and various other trinkets. as i understand it, i managed not to seriously injure anyone with my spectacular aim, though one guy appeared to take a guitar pick in the left eye. thankfully, he wasn't exactly burdened by sobriety at the time.

**ha! bet you thought i'd be able to resist that one.

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