Wednesday, October 31, 2012

time warped

it was pointed out at work this morning that there are only 54 days left until christmas. i'd like to make an even more exciting observation:

there is less than a day left before halloween candy is 25% off*. 

let me share with you the happy dance i have already begun practicing, not only in celebration of this fact, but also because it's a great way for me to preburn all of the calories i'll be ingesting (at bargain prices!) over the next few weeks: 

granted, if i had a kid, i would have access to free candy....and free exercise!

i suppose i won't fully understand what it's like to be a parent until i have kids of my own, but i think i've worked out what a brilliant plan the whole "let me check your candy for razor blades" routine is.

i mean, really. 

when i was little, i fully believed  the stories my parents fed me about nefarious sorts tampering with my goodies. i know now that the annual "screening of the treat bag" always resulted in a dramatic decrease of reese's peanut butter cups, tainted not with poison, but with deliciousness. 

do you recall your parents ever "finding" pins/razor/blades/swiss army knives sticking out of those nasty hunks of wax that are wrapped in orange and black wax paper and passed off as "caramels"? of course not! the "tainted" stuff was always the good stuff. post-"screening", the ratio of mary janes, twizzlers* and those little pieces of bubble gum that lose all semblance of sweetness by about the third volley between the teeth to milky ways, caramellos, and the aforementioned peanut butter cups was dramatically different from the pre-"screening" ratio.

i'm pretty sure if i'd thought to check the trash can instead of spending my post-"screening" time sorting my goodies into little piles (inedibles vs. edibles- further sorted into coins**, stickers/toys, and candy by type/brand***), i would have learned the horrible truth:

the wrappers made it to the trash, but their contents made it into a receptacle of another sort- the warm confines of my parents' bellies.

(actually, knowing my parents, who knew that my sibling and i were relatively bright, precocious kids, the wrappers were probably hidden a couple of layers down in the trash can, under the eggshells and coffee grounds.)

perhaps i should ask for a kid in another 53 days or so. 

until then, you'll probably find me in the "bargain candy" aisle at kroger. 

* and about a week before it's half price. granted, most of the good stuff will probably be gone by that point, but still........

**good only for whacking people you don't like, in my humble opinion

***$2 in quarters was a great haul....and i can't say i'd turn it down today, either.

****m&m's, reese's pieces and skittles were further sorted by color, but that's not confined to halloween. i'm just a little weird like that. 

No comments: