but seriously......

the braces are about to come off after 4 1/2 years (what can i say? i haven't exactly been in a hurry), and tomorrow's my first visit with a periodontist to figure out if i'm getting an implant next, or if i'll wind up the proud owner of a maryland bridge.

unfortunately, i am having a rather hard time with a mundane task- filling out the preliminary questionnaire.

normally, these things are so general and boring that i have no problem regurgitating the usual stock answers.

unfortunately, I was unable to stop myself from answering "spouse's name" with "i am way too young for that"....though i am pleased to report that i refrained from putting down my first response, which was "first, i've got to convince val kilmer to return my calls".

somehow, not only my name is listed after "person responsible for account", but also "(unless i have a rich uncle no one has told me about)"

(they brought it upon themselves, giving me a blank line that stretched all the way across the page. it's like pointing keith haring at a blank wall in a subway and then leaving him there with an unattended can of paint.)

thus far, i have not answered "have you ever been instructed in caring for your gums?" with "i skipped the day we covered that in class", though "only in heavy traffic" has mysteriously appeared next to "do you habitually clench your teeth during the day or night?" and i had to explain that i checked "yes" next to "do you have to go to the restroom more than six times each day?", because i don't really keep count, but if i'm on a green tea kick, i'm wearing tracks in the carpet by 2 am. (i think that's why they say it boosts metabolism- look at all that extra exercise!)

if this guy dosn't have a sense of humor, i may be meeting with my hunky orthodontist's second recommendation next week.......