coming out of the closet

as i fired up the email this morning, i learned that i may have been onto something in my younger years.

(lest my parents think they finally have a "reasonable" explanation for some of the creative clothing combinations i wore in public in my awkward preteen years, let me point out that i said "onto something", not "on something". therefore, that mystery remains unsolved, as far as they're concerned.)

anyway, several times during my childhood in baltimore (generally during summers, when i didn't have much to do, as i recall), i hauled everything out of my closet, dragged in a pillow, a blanket or two, a flashlight, and several books. while i don't recall ever actually spending the night in my closet (are you kidding? i couldn't sleep with the closet open until i moved to south carolina- because of the monsters, of course), several afternoons were spent hanging out in there, reading and rearranging the blankets.

anyway, i share this testament to my incredibly active social life during my younger years because it seems i'm not the only one who's set up camp in a closet.

however, unlike today's newsmaker, i used my own closet as my hideout.

after reading the article, i was left with several questions:

~was the top shelf of the closet somehow reinforced? i mean, obviously, the woman wasn't exactly a 300-pounder, but still- i don't think the top of my closet could support my weight- especially for the better part of a year.

~when did she take her showers? did he not notice the extra towel on the bar in the bathroom? the condensation on the shower door? what about weekends, when he was home from work? or are we going to go with the stereotype regarding the workaholism of the japanese?

~am i the only one who immediately thought of lazlo hollyfeld while reading this article?

~while she was in his closet, did she take it upon herself to sort through his apparel and weed out some of his oh-so-stylish pieces, like the orange plaid polyester blazer, the tye-dyed hemp hoodie, and the heeled boots, a la prince?

which reminds me, perhaps when i get home tonight, it'll be time for a little closet-weeding of my own. after all, i need somewhere to hang the hammock.

i swear these things must be dusted with coke....

okay, not really, but somehow, i've managed to hoover down the better part of a bag of harvest cheddar sunchips during my ten hour p.m. stretch at the radio station today. i thought putting the bag in my car would help, in seeing as how i'm feeling pretty lazy, but i underestimated the pull of fake cheese powder. i'm like a large, wingless, blondish moth to a flame....okay, maybe not exactly a flame, but there's a picture of the sun on the bag, which probably counts for something.

when my hand hasn't been in the chip bag (as it obviously isn't right now, given that i've not yet mastered the art of typing quickly/accurately with my hand in the bag), i've managed to accomplish...uh....pretty much bupkis.

okay- maybe that's not quite accurate. yesterday, i worked 12 hours here at the station, including a six-hour stint where i could actually be heard on the (brace yourself) country station. even more interesting: i did well enough that i'm going to be back on the air next saturday (the 31st) from noon to 6pm eastern.

so, i just need to get hardcore rap and r&b out of the way, and i think i will have hit every major musical genre there is. i wonder if they give you a little certificate with some gold stars on it or something like that.

this morning's shift was spent... uh.... is it bad that i can't really recall what i did this morning? i mean, i was here, i went to the tea machine in the lounge at least three times, and the rest is a very fuzzy blur.

nice to know i spent my sunday morning doing something meaningful, isn't it?

i've been marginally more productive this afternoon/evening. i ate a couple of times (SO's in town and bought me a ridiculous amount of groceries on the way home from seeing the latest indiana jones flick last night, so i spent my break between shifts making bastardized chicken cordon bleu, tortellini with prosciutto and artichokes, and broccoli with horseradish sauce), scribbled on avon brochures, and figured out the invoices for the shipment that should hit my doorstep tuesday night.

so, i'm afraid i haven't had the most productive of weekends. on the other hand, after a week of packing the bosses' worldly possessions, maybe i needed a little bit of a break.

oh, yes- i had to actually use bubble wrap for a "grown up" purpose this week. do you know how hard it is for me to resist the urge to pop every single bubble on a sheet of bubble wrap? keep in mind that i was the creative genius who insisted on laying bubble wrap on the floor of our dining room before a college party we threw in maryville. (it seemed like an idea at the time, though i don't think anyone else realized the brilliance of my plan- even after a few uh, refreshments.)

unfortunately, we ran out of bubblewrap before i could wrap myself in it and climb into a box. (you might say i'm not taking this move well, especially since i've seen my sidekick on an almost-daily basis for over 4 1/2 years now, and now i'm unsure how often i'll get to see her- if at all. she, however, is somewhat oblivious to this change, as when i told her the other night that i was going to miss her, her response was, "my teacher says you have to move with us.")*

ah, what i wouldn't give to be blissfully ignorant.

i think most of the major tchotchkes were taken care of last week, including various vases and baskets with various fake plants contained within. (the first box was marked, "did someone demand a shrubbery?". by the fourteenth fake plant, i was calling them as i saw them. so, tomorrow, i think i can look forward to clearing out the spices in the pantry, the strangely shrunken backup towels in the linen closet upstairs, and whatever may be lurking in between the couch cushions.

maybe i'll get lucky and find a sunchip or two, since i sincerely doubt what's left of this bag will last the night......

*sidekick's other little nugget of wisdom fell out of her mouth friday night, when she told me (and then her parents, over dinner) that they should be paying me a lot to pack. their response? her dad told her they were going to let her pay me, which frustrated her a little because, as she pointed out, she doesn't have any money.

a long lost friend returns, and i'm too excited to focus

i have all sorts of things i've been contemplating posting about lately- but first, i need to share a couple of things with you:

thing one: i was thrilled to find out a favorite radio station from my childhood is back. i've been listening to their stream all day. where else can you hear the cult, jack johnson, siouxsie and the banshees, depeche mode, temple of the dog, and that timeless classic- "detachable penis"- all in one day? okay- without raiding my cd collection, smartypants.

thing two: through the whfs2 website, i found the new nine inch nails album- a free download. now, all i have to do is figure out which song to take off of my ipod to make room for "discipline".

okay. now that that's out of the way, onto bigger and better things......forgive me if i'm a little scattered this evening- i think i've had a little too much baja blast during the course of the day, and i'm too hopped up on caffeine to sit still for long or stick to one thought for any length of time.

~i've had a whopping nine hours of sleep this weekend, counting my hourlong powernap between shifts today. however, this does not count whatever length of time i wound up dozing in front of monty python's life of brian yesterday. (right now, i'm sure about four of my readers are saying, "how could you...?", but when you've had 3 1/2 hours of sleep, a footlong sub, and are laying comfortably on the couch, things happen.)

i was more than a little startled to wake up to the sight of graham chapman.... naked. in fact, i think that may be part of the reason why i had such problems getting to sleep before 12:30am.

needless to say, i'm hoping i timed my last sip of baja blast so that i'll have no problems getting to sleep when i get home at a quarter after midnight.....but preferably not a minute earlier, as i really would prefer to make it home before dozing off.

~i'm thrilled to report that i've finally finished putting together SO's photo album from our whitewater rafting trip in the Grand Canyon last October. now, all i have to do is get my album done, and then i can print out and assemble the bahamas, ireland, and last summer's big western trip. (a little behind? moi? surely you jest.)

~i am also thrilled to report that, though i'm more than a little unsettled about the bosses' impending move (2 weeks), i think i've arranged my work situation so i won't have to take up stripping to pay the bills. this is a very good thing, as i'd have to find an establishment far enough out of town so as not to run the risk of accepting $20s from anyone i know (okay- maybe only $10s, since i haven't worked out in awhile and i did eat junk food all weekend), yet close enough to civilization that if some drunk tried to forcibly persuade me into giving a private session, there would be poeple around to her me scream and kick him in the nuts.

also, i'd have to find a sense of rhythm and stiletto-walking skills, and i don't think you can pick those up at walmart or target.

~i was a bad, bad girl at best buy last night. so bad, in fact, that i had a store employee stalking me, asking if i had a reward zone card. the cashier told me to come back soon, and the security guy asked if i'd bought enough dvds. the next time i get the urge to "pick up a couple of movies", someone needs to stage an intervention. the kicker is that i even took a list with me. three things wound up crossed off of it, despite the fact that i had about ten items in my bag as i wandered out of the store in shame.

damn you, best buy. damn you.

on the bright side, a three pack of the indiana jones flicks was on sale, so now i can watch the temple of doom (all i remember from my last viewing was something about monkey brains) and the last crusade (the one with sean connery and the revelation that "jehovah" is spelled with an "i") before the latest installment comes out on thursday.

...assuming i can tear myself away from the audio stream for a couple of hours at a time, that is.....

...did i mention the dust bunny wore shoes?

perhaps i'll get around to a real post later this weekend, but thought i'd share something i found whilst (i actually got an email last week that contained the word "whilst". perhaps after i finish the great decluttering, i'll even write him back.) clearing out my closet (needed more room for the skeletons).

if, like me, you are (slowly) recovering from a bad tennis shoe habit, and some of your older specimens are a little worse for wear (i.e. the soles have been hot glued back on a few times, mostly because hot glue isn't really designed to adhere rubber to foam and five minutes after they've cooled, the soles flop back off, yet for some reason, you figure that if you just maybe smear on a little extra hot glue, it'll somehow bond everything together and you can wear those lucky shoes, the ones that saw you get hit on by a pleathora of drunk boys (or girls, as the case may be) at mardi gras ten years ago, as you're training for your first marathon (or half....or just a really major trip to the grocery store)

where was i? ah yes- rather than tossing the old sneakers (i feel badly about clogging up a landfill with my tennis shoes, which is my excuse for not getting rid of them- even the beloved mardi gras veterans- a while back) onto the trash, send them here:

nike recycling center
c/o reuse a shoe
26755 sw 95th ave
wilsonville, or 97070

nike grinds up old sneakers (no matter what brand, which is good, since 3/6 of the pairs i sent were adidas) and uses the resulting material to make playground padding. pretty cool, eh? check out the details here.

i wonder if, given the advanced age of a couple of my donations, i should toss an air freshener or two into my box....or at least scribble "open in a well-ventilated area" on the outside......

so this dust bunny walks into a bar....

i'm on a roll.....except when it comes to blogging, apparently, since i just realized (as i was catching up on comments) that it's been a month since i've attempted to pound out something mildly entertaining for your reading enjoyment. as usual, i have an excuse:

i've been cleaning.

i know, i know, it sounds lame. however, since i've been home more than usual lately, i've had time to become fully aware of the clutter in my apartment, right down to the embarrassingly thick dust on the baseboards- most of which, for the record, has been transferred from baseboards to vacuum, which finally experienced its first bag change since its purchase a couple of years ago....and i'm afraid i mean "couple" in a polygamist sort of sense.

with SO only up to visit a couple of weekends a month, i've had ample time on my hands to undo the grungier effects of long-term coabitation. i scrubbed the bathroom counters while on the phone after work one night. the kitchen counters were attacked another evening, though i think a more serious effort (involving clorox and perhaps an industrial-strength buffer) is needed at some point in the near future. probably before i borrow a hammer and chisel to take care of the petrified gunk resulting from five years' worth of spills between the fridge and the edge of the kitchen counter.

i hate to give the impression that we had housekeeping and cleanliness standards akin to those of your average cro-magnon, but after awhile, the little spills add up and quite frankly, after a day of cleaning at work (which is basically what my "personal assistant" position has morphed into), the last thing i feel like doing when i get home is scrubbing linoleum.

so, after a long period of uncertainty regarding its existence, i am pleased to report that i actually had a counter between my kitchen and dining room. i figured there must have been something holding up the envelopes, tax-related paperwork, halloween candy in various stages of petrification, random soda tabs (i knew someone once who was collecting them for a good cause. too bad i can't for the life of me remember who it might've been), george carlin 2005 page a day calendar, and jelly belly jellybean dispenser.

i'd provide photographic evidence, but i'm afraid the shock of seeing a clean horizontal surface in my apartment might finish mama off. she's too young to die, so really, it's in her best interest that i withhold such a photograph.

in addition to scrubbing and vacuuming, i've been decluttering. one of my goals before 30 is to give a box to goodwill per month. right now, i think i'm covered through roughly june 2009. furthermore, i've itemized everything i've parted with since early april.

i'm all over this.

this is a huge step for someone who, up until a couple of weeks ago, still had intact issues of metal edge magazine from the days when it was perfectly acceptable for boys to have big hair.

oh yes, it was that bad.

since i started the great decluttering, i've parted with five boxes of paper (old articles, posters, and magazines), the last four binders of patterns and project ideas from my stint teaching preschool, seven boxes and four tall kitchen garbage bags of possessions bound for goodwill, and three boxes of toys, books, et cetera that i toted off to the "surrogate parents" for their (and their kids') enjoyment.

i still have a long way to go, though. i have to finish numerous photo albums and buy negative sleeves in bulk before two bags of random photos (mostly doubles) can head out the door- and that's not counting the roughly twenty five rolls sitting on my dining room table, waiting to be developed. i have to evaluate whether or not i'm going to ever play a few board games that have been sitting, unopened, on the entertainment center shelf for the past few years. the oversized stuffed lobster and walrus have come close to heading out the door several times, but the lobster will look good in the lobster trap once i've finished cleaning it out, and really, who can deny the appeal of a stuffed walrus that actually groans when you push on its butt?

the appeal of carpeting that no longer crunches when you walk on it, however, is undeniable.