me, volume two

101. i semiseriously collect coins.
102. i'm a stick-shift kind of girl.
103. in fact, much as i hate to admit it, i consider stick shift/automatic a factor when deciding whether or not to date someone.
104. i get a little snobby about shoes, too....and no, that does not mean i look for the expensive, grown-up ones.
105. i like to cook.
106. no, really. in fact, i'll go on cooking binges if i know i won't be home for the next few evenings, due to babysitting/work/my stint with the pussycat dolls.
107. i was just kidding about that last part.....though a girl can dream, can't she?
108. actually, i'm probably a little too "girl next door" for the dolls. (at least i think so, anyway.)
109. remember that movie "never been kissed"? i'd love to go back to high school and actually get asked to the prom.....
110. i'm not ashamed to admit to being a damned liberal.
111. i've broken exactly one bone in my body......and earlier that day, i was involved in a conversation about broken bones....i was the only person who'd never had any.
112. the guy who took care of my root canal grew up with mama....which i didn't know until i mentioned his name to her later.
113. the first time i ever called a radio station to request a song was during whfs' (r.i.p.) "menage a trois" weekend when i was thirteen.
114. i looked up "menage a trois" in the dictionary....it said "house of three".
115. i didn't know about the other meaning until much later. (no, not from experience- so no need for therapy, family members.)
116. i told the dj i wanted to hear three songs from either the red hot chili peppers, or jane's addiction- he could pick.
117. i still have the tape i recorded the request onto.....no, i can't share it with you, as this was in my pre-duff days.
118. i constantly have cold hands, except in the middle of summer.
119. sometimes i try to warm them up on SO's stomach, which usually leads to shrieking...not by me.
120. i love saying "guacamole" almost as much as i love eating it.
121. i love eating chips, too...but i'm a little odd. i lick the seasonings off first, then eat the chip itself.
122. i also have weird little ways of eating spaghetti-o's (meatballs last) and pickles (too long to describe here).
123. my favorite color is blue....like my eyes.
124. when asked about it, though, i'll usually claim "plaid"
125. i never took those random surveys seriously in high school.
126. i'd have no problem whatsoever going to a nude beach. (SO is a different matter)
127. i'm a cancer like mama.
128. i love the ocean (except sharks and jellyfish), but am not confident enough in my swimming abilities to swim around much. i tend to wade out and jump around as the waves come in.
129. i'm glad i never had to take swimming lessons when i was younger- i don't like putting my face in the water, because i get water in my eyes and i'm scared of inhaling a bunch of water and drowning.
130. consequently, i still hold my nose anytime i'm underwater.
131. i don't really care how dumb that looks.
132. i love fondue, though i know i consume multiple thousand calories every time i go to the melting pot.
133. i don't count calories.
134. i sold shoes for five years.
135. i taught preschool for five years.
136. this coming january will be my seventh anniversary in radio.
137. in college, i had my own 5-hour retro show.i brought in my own cds, and played some of the records from the station's music library.
138. before that, i had no clue how to play a certain track on a record. (to this day, most of my friends have no idea.)
139. i'll take a comforter over flat sheets any day- even in the middle of summer
140. i can't sleep if i'm wearing socks
141. i haven't cut my hair in nearly two years.
142. it hasn't been dyed in a year and a half.
143. i have never suffered through titanic.
144. i carried one of mama's old grey purses evry day of fifth grade.
145. i have not carried a purse since....nor will i anytime soon.
146. i really miss ecto-cooler flavor hi-c
147. i call just about everyone "dude".
148. sometimes i really miss going out to bars/clubs.
149. i don't miss the smoke, and since i don't really drink, i don't miss dealing with drunk people, either.
150. my favorite book is the little prince.
151. i wish i'd paid a little more attention in french class, though i suppose i have what's called a "reading french".
152. i took spanish in college, but it gets scrambled with my french, and i'm sure i wind up sounding like an idiot.
153. i can still do the electric slide.
154. i am a terrible excellent procrastinator.
155. i'm not used to attention from guys. consequently, i'm never quite sure how to take it.
156. i like to quote 80s songs, and then see if anyone gets it.
157. i consider myself a pretty outdoorsy person.
158. i like being short.
159. i'm somewhat short-tempered, too.
160. i throw things when frustrated.
161. that's one of the reasons why i used to play tennis.
162. unless i have to share the juice, i drink from the carton.
163. i double dip when alone, too. (triple, if the dip's really good)
164. i grow cacti, because they're hard for me to kill.
165. i wander when talking on the phone.
166. i've lived in five different states.
167. i've visited all but eight.
168. i'm not sure how it happens, but i seem to attract lesbians.
169. yet a certain lesbian i know seems to attract all the guys.
170. i can't stand nirvana.
171. my second-biggest driving pet peeve: people who can't be bothered to signal. (i may be a little fast, but at least i let you know where i'm going.)
172. i rarely paint my fingernails, but my toenails are always polished.
173. i took all of my finals in college while wearing pajamas or boxers, and wore slippers to about half of them, as well.
174. my holiday card list is absolutely huge...but i like it that way.
175. i'm usually a few minutes late.
176. i didn't used to be, but i think SO has rubbed off on me a little.
177. my car has always been hand-washed.
178. i really hate the waxing part, though.
179. in fact, i tend to mumble "wax on, wax off", the entire time i'm doing it.
180. i don't think i've been photogenic since maybe high school/early college.
181. i firmly believe that canadians have far better potato chip flavors than we have here in the u.s.
182. i wrote a humor column in my high school newspaper.
183. i took my first photography class because not one, but two boys i liked were also taking it.
184. i prefer black and white over color.
185. except for photos taken in the grand canyon...i have a couple of rolls i wish i'd done in color instead.
186. i prefer low rise jeans- anything else makes my bellybutton claustrophobic.
187. i wonder on a daily basis when lindsay lohan's fifteen minutes of fame will be up.
188. i'm not so sure i would have moved to the south had i known about palmetto bugs and fire ants.
189. unless i stop to do the math, i still think daddy's 50, mama's 45, and sibling's about 18.
190. along those same lines, when asked how old i am, i have to stop myself from saying "23" and actually figure it out.
191. i joined a bunch of clubs in high school so i'd have a whole row of numbers next to my name in the back of the yearbook.
192. i wonder if that'll convince anyone that i was popular, though i claim not to care.
193. there are several movies i haven't seen because i'd like to read the books first.
194. i'm not a big fan of ice cream, but if you buy me ben & jerry's half baked with cookie dough and fudge brownies, i'll happily follow you anywhere.
195. i love road trips.
196. i'll admit it- i probably work too damn much. however, i want to be rich one day, and
197. i'll never marry someone for their money. i'd much rather earn it myself.
198. i have a hard time remembering to "sit like a girl" when wearing dresses or skirts.
199. one of my biggest regrets is sticking my entire collection of garbage pail kids onto notebook paper when i was younger. i wish i'd been smart, like sibling, and kept them intact.
200. i find it a lot easier to answer questions than to ask them.

sentence saturday #4

if you're a new participant, read this first.

otherwise, go ahead and scroll down to the last comment to find your word.

this week's first word is kiltear

still have the touch.....

dear monique*,

hi. it's duff. i know you remember me- we met this morning, when you came to my workplace to sell us listings in the talking phone book. (which reminds me- have you had that little talk with your coworker yet? someone's got to tell him that calling five times daily get's annoying after the first 6 hours. i mean, really....)

anyway, it's was nice chatting with you. i wondered why you asked so many persaonl questions about my background, since i wasn't the one placing the ad, but i assumed you were just a little nervous.

i had no idea.

i mean, sure, the boss had her suspicions, but i figured you were just being friendly. however, after you left, came back, and offered (three times, no less) to help carry the rather lightweight hunk of plywood i was hauling upstairs, it all became crystal clear.

sorry, monique, but though i am flattered, i still like boys.

sincerely,
duff

*name may or may not have been changed. i think it was, in fact, monique, but quite frankly, i wasn't really paying very close attention.

oh, you'll love this.....

so here i am, scribbling avon totals with one hand, clicking around my statcounter account with the other, and look where i've turned up.

perhaps there was something to that search, after all.

(i am almost tempted to turn this into a photoshopping contest, but i'm afraid then some of you wouldn't get any of your work done......)

running hot and cold today

i think i need an icepack for my face.

(we'll get to that in a moment.)

first, let's start with an exciting announcement:

mossy stone was my 20,000th. (was it good for you, mossy?) i have yet to come up with a suitable prize, so i suppose this pat on the back will have to do.

also, on a somewhat related note, i knew i could count on the old fogies to recognize the moody blues.

okay...next order of business....both blog jesus and freud are available to answer your burning questions. (freud needs questions of the "yes/no" variety, but blog jesus is far more flexible (those are the rumors, anyway.))

finally, since i'm up to my eyeballs in makeup orders, i am reminded to whine about the quirkiness of my skin. somehow, through a twist of fate genetics, my skin is both oily and sensitive. with the change of seasons down here in sc, i woke up this morning with both zits and bright pink, highly insulted skin. (yep- just in time for that centerfold spread they keep hounding me about.) if i apply stuff to stop the oiliness, i wind up looking like (i assume) the recipient of a bad peel. if i slather on moisturizer, the zits multiply. i cannot win.

however, mossy won....uh...well...the privilege of saying he was my 20,000th. (maybe we shouldn't spread that around....it makes me sound a little slutty, don't you think?)

i know you're out there somewhere......

1. any idea what song that's from?
2. if you're responsible for my 20,000th pageload, would you leave me a comment? it'll save me from having to actually chase you down and thank you for stopping by...

you didn't see the smoke?

oh, how i wish i fully understood the power that sports have over men- like video games and hooters girls, for some reason, sports can hold the attention of most men like nothing else.

now, i know my readers out there with penises are screaming at their computers.

"duff! you women have shoes and shopping- leave men alone....and don't you dare take off with that credit card, either!"

easy there, big guy. remember how i said that being called a woman insults me? did i mention that i'm not the "stereotypical female"?

really- did i? i'm too busy looking through the frederick's catalog to double check.

(see- you guys think regular shopping is unpleasant, but if there's a catalog full of half naked women that you can tuck under your arm for a little "me time" in the john, then it's not so bad.....)

anyway, i have shoes, yes. however, i could care less about the $200 ankle-busters. forget heels- dangle a nice pair of adidas in front of my nose, and i'm yours.

as for the rest of the shopping experience- are you sitting down?- unless i'm at the grocery store, in the middle of best buy, or picking up things for my not-so-well-traveled friends, i generally don't care. (wait- i forgot bookstores.....i can do some serious damage in a bookstore. my parents can be held responsible for that one.)

anyway, as i was saying, it's hard to draw the stereotypical man's attention away from football. (i also need to throw in "college basketball", in some cases, including the one where i was wearing something

before i go on- dad, sibling: if either of you are reading this, just close the window or scroll back up while thinking happy thoughts of your most virginal daughter/sibling. i am too broke to pay for your therapy.

okay.

i mean it, sibling- the fragile psyche you save may be your own. get freud away from the computer, too.

is she gone? good.

so anyway, there he was, in front of the tv, watching his favorite college playing basketball...and there i was, standing between him and the screen, wearing a piece of apparel so powerful (think embroidered, blue, and accompanied by fishnets) that the mere mention of this item had the power to uh....inspire the desired reaction.

(i sincerely hope they listened to me for once and left.)

but, the reaction was horribly off.

i pulled out all the stops....yet the boys won.

furthermore, i was told that the boys won because i "knew it was the first game of the season", and was trying to make him miss his game. (please- like i even recall that part of the conversation- you were talking about sports, for goodness sake.)

but i digress.)

what inspired this evening's post involves neither basketball nor gratuitous nudity. (so far)

after a really good nap killed plan a (which was to go out to a decent restaurant and possibly take in a movie, since we hadn't seen anything since wedding crashers), plan b was put into effect. the meat was thawed, put into a pan on the stove, and i wandered off to throw in a load of laundry, lest i find myself going to work naked tomorrow, due to a lack of decent, clean clothing.

that made him sort of vaguely in charge of the stove, as well as the items thereupon. (i didn't have to tell him- it was understood. )

after throwing in the last soiled t-shirt, i turned around and saw this:



however, SO was so engrossed in watching a college football game that he didn't notice the thick white smoke creeping across the ceiling. (for the record, he didn't notice my screams at first, either.)

so, guys, what is it about watching grown men running around, playing some sort of game that, let's face it, fantasy football pools and betting aside, affect you in no way whatsoever? furthermore, why must you hurl a string of expletives at the tv when "your" team fumbles, runs the wrong way, or fails to score in some other way?

finally, and most importantly, what man in their right mind turns down a willing female in this?:


what? you can't get the picture to load either? there must be something wrong with your monitor.....

a snack...and slightly early sentence saturday

because sometimes you have to do a little test for quality control purposes.

go throw a batch of your own in the oven, and then come back to play sentence saturday. (i know, i know- i'm starting early, but i need to get to bed before midnight, for once this week.)

this week's first word is yorguntz.