in which i name check the crypt keeper, gerardo, and a bunch of little known rock bands

fun fact #37: i used to have a subscription to "metal edge" magazine, back when rock bands had hair so big that you could practically smell the aquanet wafting out from the centerfold posters.

i was reminded of this first during last week's cleaning binge, and again just a few moments ago, when i ran across a photo of a truly awful motley crue tattoo. (i can't remember exactly where i found the thing, otherwise, i'd include the link. the only good part of it was that mick mars did not resemble the cryptkeeper wearing a black wig in any way whatsoever....a minor feat.)

since the new vacuum showed up about a week and a half ago (a refurbished dyson....very un-rock n' roll of me, i know), i have had the urge to not only vacuum the apartment, but to actually move furniture to do so, as opposed to the "straight up the middle" treatment i used to engage in with the old hoover, which smelled like a leather pants after one concert too many (for the past couple of years) and recently began screaming like axl rose during waxing session. furthermore, i'm doing a little decluttering before moving furniture back to where it belongs.

round one, a little over a week ago, resulted in the rescue of approximately eight balls and a dozen mice (i took apart the living room), as well as a sizeable donation to the vietnam vets. (sorry you missed it- i had a box full of 80s and 90s countdown cds, as well as two vacuums- the one mentioned above, and a handheld, multifunction vacuum whose only actual function was as a paperweight.)

a few days ago, after a less than stellar week, i spent my friday evening vacuuming my apartment (i swear, i dumped another cat's worth of fur out of my vacuum's bin) and semi-reorganizing my bedroom. admittedly, i was not very thorough in my decluttering (remember when michael hutchence died? no? really? would you care to look through the entire freaking box of printed material i got off the internet that weekend? no? well, let me know if you change your mind, as i still haven't sorted through it and weeded out all the sappy poetic tributes fans left in the guestbooks of the websites i visited.), though i did manage to finally purge the majority of the demo tapes from unsigned bands (early to mid-90s- mostly folks who hadn't gotten the message that seattle had pretty much killed metal and that their chances of getting record deals were about equal to that of the original metallica lineup getting back together) from my collection.

i started out with three boxes of cassette tapes....three! i managed to get it down to two, not counting (now that i think about it) the additional box that might still be sitting in my dad's garage in kansas city. some bargain hunter may soon be the proud owner of classic nonhits by bands like "pandora's lunchbox" (or maybe that was the title of the demo. given the fact that the tape was copied on someone's boombox and the insert was handdrawn and photocopied onto hot pink paper, it was kind of hard to tell...), "stinky* fetus", and a whole pile of stuff by david la duke.**

(my copy of "heart of a killer" by winter's bane is staying, due to its cultural/historical significance. i don't recall it getting heavy airplay in my house, but lead singer tim "ripper" owens did go on to replace rob halford in judas priest for a while......)

true, i suppose i could have thinned my collection even more, but that would have meant saying "goodbye" to cassingles (red hot chili peppers, mr. big, damn yankees, gerardo, right said fred- what can i say? i had pretty diverse musical tastes in the 90s), homemade mixtapes (oh, like you never sat by the radio, blank tape in the deck, fingers poised above "play" and "record", waiting for that hot new song the dj promised was "coming up next" about twenty minutes ago......), and little-known releases (undoubtedly plucked out of the bargain bin at sam goody's) from winger, every mother's nightmare and little caesar.****

i'm just not quite ready to take those treasures to goodwill. however, they are more than welcome to my copy of some random cassette by kix (not the cereal), which featured the timeless classic....uh.....uhm...now, i know there was a sticker on the packaging that motivated me to buy it.*****

perhaps i'll revisit those boxes around the time i clean out my closet and tackle the pile of posters ripped from metal edge (trixter, anyone?) that i suspect lurks within.

*i'm not sure it was really "stinky fetus". i know it was "(something) fetus", but i'm at work and the tape is at home, so we're just going to go with "stinky", which, as i recall, is pretty much what i thought of their demo.

**which i might be taking out of the box, as i vaguely recall that his stuff was actually pretty decent. then again, it has been a good fifteen years (at least) since i last listened to him, so i could have him mixed up with one of those semi-decent 90s metal bands, like arcade***.

*** i must share, as it's been a while since i last threw a video up on the blog:

****you've never heard of them? i am not surprised. however, i'm keeping the cassette, as they did pretty good covers of "chain of fools" and "i wish it would rain".

*****oh yes, now i remember. it said "$1.99".

dead *hack**hack* *cough**cough* sexy

ribbit.

despite consuming ridiculous quantities of hot tea with honey, i have spent the past week sounding like i have a 3 pack a day habit. on the bright side, radio listeners (especially of the male persuasion) seem to dig the oh-so-sexy, husky voice produced by the change in weather, screaming one's head off at a def leppard concert, and/or smoking 3 packs a day.

since i haven't been to any concerts recently and i haven't smoked since a stray cigarette at some random frat party in college, i'm inclined to chalk this one up to the semiannual weather transition. we've been alternating between 85 degrees and sunny and 70 and raining. it's almost enough to remind me of missouri weather, minus the chance of snow.

another possibility occured to me last week, and i figure i'll know in another week or two whether or not it is, indeed, the case:

second puberty.

i'm actually kind of rooting for this one, mostly because it means i might sprout bigger boobs this time.....which solves the problem of what to be for halloween- add a little red hair dye to the husky voice and supersized chest, and jessica rabbit wouldn't be a stretch. (ok....maybe a little stretch)

if this scratchy throat thing doesn't clear up by halloween, i'm so there. what's more, i've found yet another career option. it has the flexibility i need (set my own hours, work from home), and at $2.99/minute, i should be rolling in the dough in no time. i just have to figure out how to control the urge to giggle while picturing some lonely guy sitting around the house on a saturday night picturing rebecca romijn-stamos (or, hey- how about jessica rabbit?) doing exotic things with a live chicken and some peach preserves.*

then again, i hear some guys are into that sort of thing......

*yes, i know that version features a weed eater and cool whip instead, but i'm too lazy (and too aware of my susceptibility to getting sucked into a youtube tangent) to chase down a video with the proper lyrics.