in which i name check the crypt keeper, gerardo, and a bunch of little known rock bands

fun fact #37: i used to have a subscription to "metal edge" magazine, back when rock bands had hair so big that you could practically smell the aquanet wafting out from the centerfold posters.

i was reminded of this first during last week's cleaning binge, and again just a few moments ago, when i ran across a photo of a truly awful motley crue tattoo. (i can't remember exactly where i found the thing, otherwise, i'd include the link. the only good part of it was that mick mars did not resemble the cryptkeeper wearing a black wig in any way whatsoever....a minor feat.)

since the new vacuum showed up about a week and a half ago (a refurbished dyson....very un-rock n' roll of me, i know), i have had the urge to not only vacuum the apartment, but to actually move furniture to do so, as opposed to the "straight up the middle" treatment i used to engage in with the old hoover, which smelled like a leather pants after one concert too many (for the past couple of years) and recently began screaming like axl rose during waxing session. furthermore, i'm doing a little decluttering before moving furniture back to where it belongs.

round one, a little over a week ago, resulted in the rescue of approximately eight balls and a dozen mice (i took apart the living room), as well as a sizeable donation to the vietnam vets. (sorry you missed it- i had a box full of 80s and 90s countdown cds, as well as two vacuums- the one mentioned above, and a handheld, multifunction vacuum whose only actual function was as a paperweight.)

a few days ago, after a less than stellar week, i spent my friday evening vacuuming my apartment (i swear, i dumped another cat's worth of fur out of my vacuum's bin) and semi-reorganizing my bedroom. admittedly, i was not very thorough in my decluttering (remember when michael hutchence died? no? really? would you care to look through the entire freaking box of printed material i got off the internet that weekend? no? well, let me know if you change your mind, as i still haven't sorted through it and weeded out all the sappy poetic tributes fans left in the guestbooks of the websites i visited.), though i did manage to finally purge the majority of the demo tapes from unsigned bands (early to mid-90s- mostly folks who hadn't gotten the message that seattle had pretty much killed metal and that their chances of getting record deals were about equal to that of the original metallica lineup getting back together) from my collection.

i started out with three boxes of cassette tapes....three! i managed to get it down to two, not counting (now that i think about it) the additional box that might still be sitting in my dad's garage in kansas city. some bargain hunter may soon be the proud owner of classic nonhits by bands like "pandora's lunchbox" (or maybe that was the title of the demo. given the fact that the tape was copied on someone's boombox and the insert was handdrawn and photocopied onto hot pink paper, it was kind of hard to tell...), "stinky* fetus", and a whole pile of stuff by david la duke.**

(my copy of "heart of a killer" by winter's bane is staying, due to its cultural/historical significance. i don't recall it getting heavy airplay in my house, but lead singer tim "ripper" owens did go on to replace rob halford in judas priest for a while......)

true, i suppose i could have thinned my collection even more, but that would have meant saying "goodbye" to cassingles (red hot chili peppers, mr. big, damn yankees, gerardo, right said fred- what can i say? i had pretty diverse musical tastes in the 90s), homemade mixtapes (oh, like you never sat by the radio, blank tape in the deck, fingers poised above "play" and "record", waiting for that hot new song the dj promised was "coming up next" about twenty minutes ago......), and little-known releases (undoubtedly plucked out of the bargain bin at sam goody's) from winger, every mother's nightmare and little caesar.****

i'm just not quite ready to take those treasures to goodwill. however, they are more than welcome to my copy of some random cassette by kix (not the cereal), which featured the timeless classic....uh.....uhm...now, i know there was a sticker on the packaging that motivated me to buy it.*****

perhaps i'll revisit those boxes around the time i clean out my closet and tackle the pile of posters ripped from metal edge (trixter, anyone?) that i suspect lurks within.

*i'm not sure it was really "stinky fetus". i know it was "(something) fetus", but i'm at work and the tape is at home, so we're just going to go with "stinky", which, as i recall, is pretty much what i thought of their demo.

**which i might be taking out of the box, as i vaguely recall that his stuff was actually pretty decent. then again, it has been a good fifteen years (at least) since i last listened to him, so i could have him mixed up with one of those semi-decent 90s metal bands, like arcade***.

*** i must share, as it's been a while since i last threw a video up on the blog:

****you've never heard of them? i am not surprised. however, i'm keeping the cassette, as they did pretty good covers of "chain of fools" and "i wish it would rain".

*****oh yes, now i remember. it said "$1.99".

so this dust bunny walks into a bar....

i'm on a roll.....except when it comes to blogging, apparently, since i just realized (as i was catching up on comments) that it's been a month since i've attempted to pound out something mildly entertaining for your reading enjoyment. as usual, i have an excuse:

i've been cleaning.

i know, i know, it sounds lame. however, since i've been home more than usual lately, i've had time to become fully aware of the clutter in my apartment, right down to the embarrassingly thick dust on the baseboards- most of which, for the record, has been transferred from baseboards to vacuum, which finally experienced its first bag change since its purchase a couple of years ago....and i'm afraid i mean "couple" in a polygamist sort of sense.

with SO only up to visit a couple of weekends a month, i've had ample time on my hands to undo the grungier effects of long-term coabitation. i scrubbed the bathroom counters while on the phone after work one night. the kitchen counters were attacked another evening, though i think a more serious effort (involving clorox and perhaps an industrial-strength buffer) is needed at some point in the near future. probably before i borrow a hammer and chisel to take care of the petrified gunk resulting from five years' worth of spills between the fridge and the edge of the kitchen counter.

i hate to give the impression that we had housekeeping and cleanliness standards akin to those of your average cro-magnon, but after awhile, the little spills add up and quite frankly, after a day of cleaning at work (which is basically what my "personal assistant" position has morphed into), the last thing i feel like doing when i get home is scrubbing linoleum.

so, after a long period of uncertainty regarding its existence, i am pleased to report that i actually had a counter between my kitchen and dining room. i figured there must have been something holding up the envelopes, tax-related paperwork, halloween candy in various stages of petrification, random soda tabs (i knew someone once who was collecting them for a good cause. too bad i can't for the life of me remember who it might've been), george carlin 2005 page a day calendar, and jelly belly jellybean dispenser.

i'd provide photographic evidence, but i'm afraid the shock of seeing a clean horizontal surface in my apartment might finish mama off. she's too young to die, so really, it's in her best interest that i withhold such a photograph.

in addition to scrubbing and vacuuming, i've been decluttering. one of my goals before 30 is to give a box to goodwill per month. right now, i think i'm covered through roughly june 2009. furthermore, i've itemized everything i've parted with since early april.

i'm all over this.

this is a huge step for someone who, up until a couple of weeks ago, still had intact issues of metal edge magazine from the days when it was perfectly acceptable for boys to have big hair.

oh yes, it was that bad.

since i started the great decluttering, i've parted with five boxes of paper (old articles, posters, and magazines), the last four binders of patterns and project ideas from my stint teaching preschool, seven boxes and four tall kitchen garbage bags of possessions bound for goodwill, and three boxes of toys, books, et cetera that i toted off to the "surrogate parents" for their (and their kids') enjoyment.

i still have a long way to go, though. i have to finish numerous photo albums and buy negative sleeves in bulk before two bags of random photos (mostly doubles) can head out the door- and that's not counting the roughly twenty five rolls sitting on my dining room table, waiting to be developed. i have to evaluate whether or not i'm going to ever play a few board games that have been sitting, unopened, on the entertainment center shelf for the past few years. the oversized stuffed lobster and walrus have come close to heading out the door several times, but the lobster will look good in the lobster trap once i've finished cleaning it out, and really, who can deny the appeal of a stuffed walrus that actually groans when you push on its butt?

the appeal of carpeting that no longer crunches when you walk on it, however, is undeniable.