why i'm not a stand up comedian, pt.1

i've been working on a title for this for the past hour (starting when i hopped into my car this morning and couldn't seem to convince it to start. SO, of course, had absolutely no problem, further proving that some days i just shouldn't be behind the wheel, i guess.), and that ^ is the best i've been able to come up with so far- mostly because it's true.

i'm not a stand up comedian because i'm not good in front of people.

i know, i know- that may seem a little surprising, considering my weekend job. (i'm on from 10-3 today and tomorrow, in case you're interested.) however, when i'm in the studio, it's just me and a microphone (well, and the bratz doll who's currently missing not just a shoe, but her whole right foot, due to a design flaw, which sort of explains why she hasn't been able to shoot her rendition of "whip it" yet) and i can easily pretend that no one's listening, which is, quite basically, the only way i can do what i do because, sadly, i'm no longer four years old and fearless.

i was this way ten years ago, when i had to stand in front of my speech class (which, by some awful coincidence, included a bunch of popular people, which only served to make things even more nerve-wracking) every couple of weeks and try to remember to project, inform, entertain, and read my own last-minute scribbles which resisting the urge to run out of the room and hide in the girls' bathroom for the rest of the hour.

i liked the teacher, mrs. rogers, a great deal, but i dreaded that class. while it wasn't the worst class i took in high school (several math-based courses could probably take that honor, though i suppose i might be somewhat biased, since math and i have never been bosom buddies), i clearly recall dreading it on at least a biweekly basis.

my worst speech was the final one of the year- the "tribute" speech. this was the one where you were supposed to thank someone, and i recall writing mine about four people i considered to be my best friends.....

this assignment was notorious for causing female speakers to wind up in tears (because we're all emotional and stuff), and the entire time i spent scribbling out my index cards and finding quotable lines from the little prince, i resolved that i wouldn't fall into that particular trap.

right.

i should have used the ol' "lost my voice" excuse to postpone the speech, and the thought crossed my mind, but i just couldn't do it, mostly because i think i'd whipped out that excuse a few weeks before for one of my other speeches.

which reminds me- do you have any idea how hard it is to spend an entire day trying to remember not to speak because you've supposedly lost your voice?

i actually had to be reminded a couple of times that day that i'd "lost my voice". whoops.

(next time i try that one, i'll have to time it so that i attend some sort of concert the evening before...since i can be a bit of a screamer, i'm sure i can just kick things up a notch and wake up the next morning with not only a bit of tinnitus (always a fun time there....ugh), but a raspy, nearly blown-out voice as well. when's duran duran's next tour? how about poison? think maybe U2 could swing back through town for me or something?)

what brought all this up? well, believe it or not, it came to me this morning, as i packed tea bags and honey to bring to work to battle my sore throat....the same sort of sore throat i faked to postpone a speech ten years ago.