never a dull moment

i'm such a sucker.




she showed up at work last monday, and i said if she were still around 24 hours later, i'd take her in.

my new roommate and i are still working out a few basic rules, but all in all, she's a good girl.

lesson #1: kittens are not allowed on kitchen counters. (the spray bottle has been an effective learning tool.)

lesson #2: it's just a cabinet door being opened. it's not that exciting. there's no need to sprint into the kitchen, leaving a trail on the carpet. finish whatever you were doing in the litterbox, instead.*

lesson #3: kitten food is in the kitten's bowl. it is not in the bowl of bermuda sand or on my plate, and it does not include any members of the cacti/succulent families.

still no name yet (wonder how the vet'll handle that tomorrow). i thought about setzer (as in brian- get it?), as well as shiva, the hindu deity ("detroyer of the universe"), but nothing's stuck yet. perhaps something will come to me this next week...and perhaps not. (frankly, getting the flying poop thing under control is a slightly higher priority.)

*the peals of laughter coming from the other end of the line as i tried to describe the situation to mama this afternoon in no way resembled the advice and support i was seeking.

antici......pation

five things i'm looking forward to


1. 50% off halloween candy at the grocery store in a few more days.
(hellloo, my many chocolatey friends.)


2. the morning after election day
(because every couple of years, i'm reminded that i'm a blue in a red state. however, i'm also a blue who can't stand nancy pelosi and thinks the democratic party would've been far better off without her in charge. it will be a relief to no longer hear ads talking about how (insert name of democratic candidate) is "a friend of pelosi". same goes for the negatively-toned mentions of "obamacare")


3. thanksgiving
(i need to run away from home every few months, or else i get a little stressed-out and stir crazy. my next solo trip won't be until the spring, but a change of scenery should be enough to restore sanity.)


4. the tron sequel, coming out around christmas
(i was too young to see the original in theaters, and given that i don't have a ginormous hdtv (SO's ancient tv still works, and i can think of other, more important things to fdo with several hundred bucks), this is as close as i'm going to get to recreating the missed experience.)


5. one day, probably in the far distant future, when katherine heigl will portray something other than an ultra type-a, demanding woman who picks a fight with the lead male character because he doesn't read her mind and conform to her schedule/plans and doesn't loosen up until 3/4 of the way through the movie.
(typecasting, anyone?)

excuse for not pounding out a real post this week #37

a pool table has mysteriously appeared at the radio station. after taking care of work-type necessities, i've been wandering down the hall to regain my mad pool skillz.....at least i remember being vaguely not-awful in high school, but it's a little fuzzy through the haze of, uh, the cigarette smoke in the bars.

i am nowhere near a pool shark yet; i am merely a guppy.

part of the secret to my success is having a helpful cue ball. it likes to show the other balls how to fall into the pockets.

(the preceding just sounds better than admitting i've sunk the thing so many times that robert ballard is thinking of putting together an expedition- i'm learning it's all in how you spin it.)

reason for not posting last weekend

i assure you, it's a good one:





i was busy playing in a photo booth during SO's cousin's wedding reception.

i'd never been in one before, and had to make up for 32 years of deprivation. (i have almost enough strips at home to give out with my holiday cards this year.)

sometimes, i'm not sure where i get this stuff, either....

wildly inappropriate random thought i had while driving today: do you think, after the dust settled in the lewinsky scandal, that hillary banned bill from using the phrase, "close, but no cigar"?

knowledge is power...or something like that.

i seem to learn things best the hard way. (in fact, i'm sure there are folks out there who are convinced it's the only way i learn- mama included.) i can tell you (from experience) that it's unwise to try to due that tom cruise sock-sliding thing on a freshly waxed floor.* i also know for a fact that you should always check to make sure the coast is clear before talking trash about someone, as they will inevitably walk into the room just as you really get going.

today was not only a monday, but a day of serious learning here in duffworld:

1. it is good to always wash one's hands an extra time or two after handling jalapeños, preferably before rubbing one's eyes. (thankfully, i only rubbed one.)

2. even pickled cauliflower goes bad. in fact, even if the jar is unopened and less than five years past the expiration date (but more than three), you should probably just open it, dump the contents down the disposal, and recycle the glass jar. **

3. it is possible to consume too many jalapeños in one sitting....and if the york peppermint patty i found in the freezer doesn't catch up to those jalapeños by tomorrow, i might regret it all over again.

all that learning was rather exhausting, so i'm off to bed. (i'll be stopping by the freezer en route, just in case i have another one of those york peppermint patties. i'm thinking it might be good for insurance purposes.)

*couch jumping, however, is a fun way to burn calories and get exercise- especially when you're under the age of ten.

**the shelf life for canned reddi whip is much shorter. trust me on this.

sorry about the traumatized cat, but i'd rather hear about the budweiser frogs

i can think of few things i'm looking forward to more than the end of the political ad season. in fact, i believe the list is basically limited to:

1. my next vacation
2. my next appointment with the hunky orthodontist
3. my next hot date (i'll settle for a lukewarm one, though.)
4. the creation of a jack lalanne power juicer in purple.*

no sooner did my favorite tv shows start gearing up for the fall season than the spaces between wound up filled up with mud slung between candidates. i'd compare it to the fuzzy grout i found in SO's shower a few weeks ago, but really, i think the fuzzy grout may be preferable to spending approximately 12 minutes an hour (after all, tv stations still manage to carve out a little room for their promos and teasers) listening to "regular americans" detail every wrongdoing of their least favorite candidates. i do not care if candidate x used to color his little sister's cabbage patch kids with sharpies. i do not care if candidate y hid all of her lima beans in the nearest potted plant during her younger years. i do not care if candidate x likes to prance around in his wife's crotchless panties. i do not care what candidate y did with a rubber chicken and some peach preserves on a dare in college.

i know it's a question that's been asked before, but why don't the ads ever focus on what a particular candidate is for, rather than the various flaws of their opponent?

i'm voting for the man/woman/hermaphrodite who worries about the environment, doesn't care who you marry, as long as you stay within your species, would rather have a splinter pulled out of their big toe with a pair of needlenose pliers than raise taxes on the middle class, and would rather spend 30 seconds of ad time stating the above than telling us what their opponent may or may not have done with a jar of manic panic and the neighbor's cat back when they were twelve years old.

failing that, i'm writing in jack lalanne, as i'm pretty sure one doesn't make it to 96 without having a little common sense....and then maybe he can hire an assistant to get crackin' on that purple juicer issue.

*i'm kidding. please don't buy me one.

you don't look a day over....

so there we were, at the most recent gathering of the thursday night club. one of the members brought his mother out for dinner, drinks, and crap- is there a "d" word for singing? i'm afraid i'm not awake enough to come up with it at the moment.

anyway, i was engaged in conversation with said member and his mother, when she paused, took a good look at me, and inquired as to my age.

"hopefully, still older than i look," i said.

"you look very young," she said.

"how old do you think i am?"

she hemmed. she hawed. she volunteered that she was horrible with this sort of thing. i pointed out that she brought it up.

"you look about 35."

it was pointed out to me that she'd had the better part of a bottle of white wine throughout the evening. this was small consolation.

perhaps i need my braces back.