"sorry i'm late- i was busy getting fired"

ten things i can do with my newfound free time

1. work on that best-selling autobiography i haven't had time to write yet.
2. travel the world with a rich sugar daddy (know any good ones? mine's broke.)
3. learn how to repair my broken swatches
4. finally clean my bedroom- rearrange books in alphabetical order
5. become "queen of the treadmill".....while listening my way through my cd collection- from ace of base through rob zombie.
6. catch up on bricotrout's lists of ten.
7. become a tennis pro- after digging the racquet out of the closet and practicing a hell of a lot, of course
8. perfect underwater basketweaving technique
9. watch my entire dvd collection- starting with "office space"- twice.
10. play in the elmo sprinkler- and not have to share it

feeling the burn

that was the title of this really great post i wrote earlier about getting on a treadmill for the first time in way too long and how the workout room at my apartment complex had changed and how i still listen to cds and how i was a little sore but will probably do it again tomorrow...but i'll listen to ned's atomic dustbin instead of the pet shop boys and it was really quite humorous....

(i guess you had to be there.)

....and then blogger went down for maintenence about 10 minutes before i hit "publish".

*sigh* dammit.

mining for gold

tonight's avon night, so this'll be quick.

let's say you're driving in your car and detect a large, annoying booger in your nose. what do you do with it, if anything?

(oh, come on- like you've never had this sort of thing happen......)

you searched for what??? (part eight)

i've had plenty of time today to obsessively check statcounter every ten minutes to catch all of the odd ways you new folks are finding me. some good, some unsettling- either way, i'm glad you found your way here.

here's how you found me:

"the one thing" inxs eating suggestive

nice to see the video made an impression. the band, hot chicks, lots of food, and one huge table. (a relic from before all the bells and whistles became necessary for a "good" video.)

there were only six results for this search, and i was at the top of the heap. (nyah nyah)

and on a somewhat related note....

picture of some one throwing up

whoever you are, you are more than a little gross.

biggest winter crow roost illinois

i knew about the biggest superman, but the biggest winter crow roost, too?
i'm afraid it's still not enough to convince me to live in illinois.

abandoned shoes

woo-hoo! i'm up to result #208. (cue the theme to.....crap- it's in my head. sherman helmsley's show....you know- "movin' on up......")

Current picture of Michael Hutchence's daughter Tiger Lily

i was the eighth out of nine results for this query, and i don't think any of the other eight had current pictures of tiger, either.

so, good luck finding one, mr. "new jersey dept. of transportation".

gorilla threw, zoo, woman, poop

ah, yes...i remember that post fondly. i find it interesting that someone would search for such a combination.

did i type "interesting"? i meant odd.

sumo wedgie

i've often wondered about the frequency of wedgie occurence among sumo wrestlers. since i'm the 364th highest result for this search, i suppose i'll have to look into this subject a little more seriously.

prescription drugs in nogalas, mexico (their typo, not mine, for once)

to the person in ohio who searched for this: head north instead. why? well, let's just say i didn't have the easiest time getting back into the u.s.

vh1.com.v spot the surreal life unseen photos

huh? i'm #14 for this one, even though i'm not quite sure what they were looking for.


if it helps any, i'm not quite sure what i'm looking for today, either.

1996 (or, music-related procrastination)

every now and then, i check in with this blog, as she seems to be every bit as fond of 80's music as i am. during a recent visit, i found this:

(i'm leaving the capital letters- just this once- since i'm cutting and pasting out of sheer laziness)

Go here, type in the year you graduated high school in the search box near the top left, and you have the Top 100 songs from that year. Its pretty simple. You bold the ones you like, underline your favorites, strike through the ones you loathe, and italicize the ones you can't remember. No opinion? Just leave it alone.

top 100 songs of 1996

1. Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix), Los Del Rio
2. One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
3. Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion
4. Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project
5. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey
6. Give Me One Reason, Tracy Chapman
7. Tha Crossroads, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
8. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis
9. You're Makin' Me High / Let It Flow, Toni Braxton
10. Twisted, Keith Sweat
11. C'mon N' Ride It (The Train), Quad City Dj's
12. Missing, Everything But The Girl
13. Ironic, Alanis Morissette
14. Exhale (Shoop Shoop), Whitney Houston
15. Follow You Down / Til I Hear It From You, Gin Blossoms
16. Sittin' Up In My Room, Brandy
17. How Do U Want It / California Love, 2Pac
18. It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Celine Dion
19. Change The World, Eric Clapton
20. Hey Lover, LL Cool J
21. Loungin, LL Cool J
22. Insensitive, Jann Arden
23. Be My Lover, La Bouche
24. Name, Goo Goo Dolls
25. Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel
26. Where Do You Go, No Mercy
27. I Can't Sleep Baby (If I), R. Kelly
28. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
29. You Learn / You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette
30. One Of Us, Joan Osborne
31. Wonder, Natalie Merchant
32. Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige
33. Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
34. Only You, 112 Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.
35. Down Low (Nobody Has To Know), R. Kelly
36. You're The One, SWV
37. Sweet Dreams, La Bouche
38. Before You Walk Out Of My Life / Like This And Like That, Monica
39. Breakfast At Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something
40. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New), Coolio
41. The World I Know, Collective Soul
42. No Diggity, BLACKstreet (Featuring Dr. Dre)
43. Anything, 3t
44. 1979, The Smashing Pumpkins
45. Diggin' On You, TLC
46. Why I Love You So Much / Ain't Nobody, Monica
47. Kissin' You, Total
48. Count On Me, Whitney Houston and Cece Winans
49. Fantasy, Mariah Carey
50. Time, Hootie and The Blowfish
51. You'll See, Madonna
52. Last Night, Az Yet
53. Mouth, Merril Bainbridge
54. The Earth, The Sun, The Rain, Color Me Badd
55. All The Things (Your Man Won't Do), Joe
56. Wonderwall, Oasis
57. Woo-hah!! Got You All In Check / Everything Remains Raw, Busta Rhymes
58. Tell Me, Groove Theory
59. Elevators (Me and You), Outkast
60. Hook, Blues Traveler
61. Doin It, LL Cool J
62. Fastlove, George Michael
63. Touch Me Tease Me, Case Featuring Foxxy Brown
64. Tonite's Tha Night, Kris Kross
65. Children, Robert Miles
66. Theme From Mission: Impossible, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen
67. Closer To Free, Bodeans
68. Just A Girl, No Doubt
69. If Your Girl Only Knew, Aaliyah
70. Lady, D'angelo
71. Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First), John Mellencamp
72. Pony, Ginuwine
73. Nobody, Keith Sweat
74. Old Man and Me (When I Get To Heaven), Hootie and The Blowfish
75. If It Makes You Happy, Sheryl Crow
76. As I Lay Me Down, Sophie B. Hawkins
77. Keep On, Keepin' On, Mc Lyte
78. Jealousy, Natalie Merchant
79. I Want To Come Over, Melissa Etheridge
80. Who Do U Love, Deborah Cox
81. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
82. This Is Your Night, Amber
83. You Remind Me Of Something, R. Kelly
84. Runaway, Janet Jackson
85. Set U Free, Planet Soul
86. Hit Me Off, New Edition
87. No One Else, Total
88. My Boo, Ghost Town Dj's
89. Get Money, Junior M.A.F.I.A.
90. That Girl, Maxi Priest Featuring Shaggy
91. Po Pimp, Do Or Die
92. Until It Sleeps, Metallica
93. Hay, Crucial Conflict
94. Beautiful Life, Ace Of Base
95. Back For Good, Take That
96. I Got Id / Long Road, Pearl Jam
97. Soon As I Get Home, Faith Evans
98. Macarena, Los Del Rio
99. Only Wanna Be With You, Hootie and The Blowfish
100. Don't Cry, Seal

as you can see, 1996 was a crummy year for music.

(has anyone else noticed this list seems a little fishy? i mean, "the macarena" twice?)

note: i went over to billboard's official website to try and get their list for 1996 (which i'm sure is a little more credible), but apparently you have to register to access that part of the site.

i don't like mondays

i was going to craft a monday evening haiku for your reading pleasure- an artistic way of summarizing my day.

however, i can't remember whether the syllable count is 5-7-5, or 3-5-3.

dammit.

hypothetically speaking, of course.

so let's just say (hypothetically, of course) that you're working in a studio fairly late at night with the door open and a group of guys walk down the hall and enter the studio next door with a dj from that station....except one, who calls someone i err...you assume to be a significant lady in his life and begins having a particularly heartfelt, intimate conversation with her in the hallway. do you stay as quiet as possible and try to catch all the details of said conversation, or do you go ahead and let out the cough tickling the back of your throat, which will surely give away my err..your presence and ruin the special moment he's having with his lady?

i have never been able to suppress my coughs, but i think i just set a record.

i'm not worthy! i'm not worthy!

so, the day after the big 200, and i've accomplished very little of noteworthiness.

actually, i'll take that back. since figuring out how to resize my digital photos and set them up for use on the web, i've been playing "catch up", mostly on bodhi's blog.

since i've been at work all day, my photo of the day is one that's also posted on bodhi's blog.....i've decided to let him meet famous people for me, as i tend to make intelligent comments reminiscent of that scene in "wayne's world" where wayne and garth meet alice cooper.

other than tinkering with photos, skimming the newspaper (it was a really slow news day), and being somewhat informative (and hopefully mildly entertaining) during my airshift, i have accomplished squat today.

i am totally okay with that.

the big 2-oh-oh!

it seems like just 7 1/2 months ago i sat down to write my first entry. hey, wait a minute- it has been 7 1/2 months. go figure...

....and here i am at 200. already.

so, in celebration of this milestone, here are some of my favorite posts from the past 200. (bear with me- have to add photos to two of them.....and it may take a day or two to find them.)

february highlights

you've got mail (not necessarily your own)
a fairytale character for the technological age
my bag has an appetite for destruction

march highlights

everyone else.......
notes from the road
blame the bugs, man

april highlights

don't try to marry me- please!
not so pretty- but my zit looked fabulous
don't yawn, or i'll be offended

may highlights

kayaks are my friends
let me back into my country!
whaddya mean i have to go home?
calories out, calories in
adventures in driving and devotion
look out!

june highlights

adventures in driving and devotion, part 2
not quite a poolboy, but you take your thrills where you can
dinner and a show

july highlights

wild kingdom
setting the footwear free
funny...i don't feel old.

august highlights

what goes in.......
i salute you!
looking for love in all the wrong places

september highlights

strange things happen.....
a dirty little tale
to bathe or not to bathe......

...and there you have it- the best (imho) of what i've pounded out so far. feel free to comment on any of them- i'm sure several of the posts are new to you, and it seems like most of the really good stuff happened before my current schedule took effect. (hmmm... perhaps i should look into the possibility of blogging in my sleep, huh?)

it's not about me, for once.

it's hard to believe, but my next post will be my 200th. in celebration, i'll be compiling a list of some of my favorite posts over the past seven months. (jeez- 200 posts in roughly 210 days? it doesn't seem like i've rambled quite that much.)

anyway, since my next post will be all about me, i think it's fitting for this one to be about you. so, since i haven't had a chance to check in lately, it's time for a quick trip through some of my favorite blogs to see what folks have been up to lately:

*the woman behind written in chalk, one of my college roommates (and one of the ones i'm still speaking to, more importantly), is just starting out in the wonderful world of blogging. she's had problems getting inspired lately, but i know she'd appreciate it if you stopped by.

*over on jurgen nation, kate moss' addictions are a hot topic this evening.

*one of my friends from high school, the blogger behind focus, click, repeat, has been spending quality time with her favorite relative- leopard-print pajama pants and all.

*my sibling just passed the 100-post mark.

*motherdear is still taking nominations for the latest blog awards. if you have a moment or two, stop by and throw in your two cents. (what? i'm not nominated for anything yet? perhaps i'll have to try to come up with something really good this weekend....)

*toby has found inspiration in clorox....

*nj's trying to convince christopher walken to read his autobiography on tape.

*larry's got high hopes for both his hockey team and the possibility of a raise (for himself, not the members of the hockey team).

*digi's still got some of that nacho cheese left. w're meeting at his place later for nachos- you should come.

*there's some sort of mysterious illness making the rounds at raven's place. i wonder if that's where i picked up this gut-wrenching cough.

*bricotrout's kicking off the latest edition of "sentence saturday"....well worth checking out. (anybody got a sentence for "tinkertweedle"?)

*jamwall's up to his usual hijinks....guest columnists and all.

*minta's procrastinating....and somehow she missed hnt (then again, last week's offering is probably hard to top.)

*there's gratuitous nudity (and, of course, bad pick-up lines) over at rabbit's place.

*there's a great quote over at ghostwriters anonymous.

*kristi and charlitte are searching for inner peace.

*penny's battling with the airlines in an attempt to make it to a wedding this weekend. (may your plane's landing gear function as it should, penny.)

*meanwhile, mossy is busy entertaining himself with speculations about what's become of dirty gypsy.

*dani's planning her birthday celebration (just don't be that girl- the one sobbing in the corner, okay?)

*free writer's been getting a little too close to his cleaning supplies again.

*jo's celebrating her birthday today. (jo, if you're reading this, happy birthday. oh, and see my advice to dani.)

*carla's lost her gall bladder....and several hours were spent watching some high-quality television during her recovery.

*stef's over the moon about finally having a basketball team.

*kristin's giving dance lessons. (which reminds me- is "perfect strangers" out on dvd yet?)

*kunstemaecker's back in the confessional booth again (which i find far too entertaining for my own good).

*lab boy's playing chuck woolery in the o.r. (sans bunny suit)

*madge is celebrating her grandma's life....and terrorizing tony danza.

*bodhi is on his way back from his alaskan cruise in an attempt to meet ryan cabrera and ask him the age-old question:

"a hoedown? what the hell was your woman thinking?"

*finally, i've just noticed i really need to add the social alchemist to my links. first thing tomorrow- i swear.

(oh, and on a side note, my photos from the week will be up over the weekend- hnt included.)

you searched for what??? (part seven)

the latest offerings from statcounter:

first and foremost, let me announce that i'm finally #1! (for "technological fairytale", that is)
i'm taking over the internet, one subject at a time. (by the way, you can stop with the searches for hilary duff's feet- im sure they're quite lovely, but you won't find them here.)

rollerblades of rich and famous

hmmm...i have a pair rattling around the trunk of my car- i suppose they could be comnsidered "rollerblades of the future rich and famous". (somehow i don't think i would have ranked any higher on that sort of a search.)

www. ask what to do for tooth ake

this search was undertaken in kentucky.....i'm guessing it was very rural kentucky.

slimey the worm t shirt

i came in sixth for this search- probably because, unlike the cool kids ahead of me, i have no idea where one can get their hands on a slimey the worm t-shirt. (if they do, in fact, exist, i'd like to have three, please.)

duran duran's john taylor wore braces

really? i had no idea.

i came up as the fourth result for this search, which means that if john taylor ever searches for himself wearing braces, there i'll be.... and then he'll leave his wife and marry me and we'll live happily ever after and.....

or maybe not.

what does cheeseball mean

i am the number one result for this search...but does that mean i, myself, am a cheeseball? (stop shouting- it was a rhetorical question.)

(by the way, if you're reading this, happy birthday, cheesehead. (i know, i know- the sub in our keyboarding class was a cheesehead, but let's not get technical.))

hairy duff

i am also number one for this search.....i some countries, that might not necessarily be a good thing.

two babes oil wrestling free mpg

another number one result.

if anyone has any video of me oil wrestling some babe, please let me know. while i doubt they exist, i'll admit there were a couple of evenings in college i didn't remember the next morning.

my hot little sister

i'm number four on msn for this search. too bad i'm neither hot, nor a little sister. (though i'd willingly pretend to get a higher ranking.)

finally, because of this post, i am in alta vista's top 10 for wet pants.

there you have it- more weird ways to find me. topping this list will be hard, but i have faith in you folks. (while you eagerly await the next installment, check out refer madness.)

squished a rotten peach in my fist.....

actually, it's more like trying to soften up underripe peaches- anyone up for a game of peach softball?

little woman's daytime nanny sent us home with a pile of peaches last week, and a couple of them are finally soft enough for the little woman to eat them.

so, i'm typing with sticky, peach juice covered hands.

i have many fond memories of peaches- from the peach tree we planted in our front yard in baltimore (though mama swore repeatedly that if one more squirrel rolled a peach pit down our sloping roof, it'd be the last thing he/she did), to the giant watertower we saw on the way to disney world when i was seven, to the prince song i loved in college. (it's on his "b-sides" disc, if i remember right.)

we used to.......

(as you may have guessed, this was where i went to get the little woman into the bathtub......and somehow never made it back.)

i lost my train of thought- perhaps it'll pick me up on the return trip.

in the meantime, however, i'd like to take this opportunity to thank the driver of the tunaboat that nearly redesigned my front end this evening for enlightening me.

ma'am, i'd heard rumors that assholes were becoming an endangered species. however, i am relieved to see that your kind is alive and well- because i don't want my donation to the world wildlife fund to save you instead of the giant panda.

sure, i had a stop sign.....and i was parked well behind it. perhaps you would have noticed this little fact had you not been too busy moving your mouth and speculating about my ancestry. (AM NOT!)

however, i will not beg your forgiveness for not recognizing that the freaking road was included in the purchase of your large, luxury vehicle.

*sigh*

i will not get angry about this.....i will think warm, fuzzy thoughts.

like thoughts of peaches on a summer day.

to bathe or not to bathe......

so there i was, typing a post on peaches for the evening while the little woman ate her dinner. i'd just finished a charming story about mama versus the peach pit rolling squirrels when a loud banging summoned me to the kitchen. little woman was satisfied and alerted me to the fact she was done consuming anything that didn't run away from her by banging her sippy cup against the tray of her high chair. since she was covered in sticky peach juice (the inspiration behind what will be tomorrow evening's post), i figured it would be a good time to throw her into the bathtub.

bath time is the little woman's favorite time of day. as soon as she hears me running water into the tub, she drops whatever she's doing (or throws it, if she happens to be finishing her meal in the high chair) and sprints to the bathroom. she spends quality time with rubber duckies, and i get the remnants of her evening meal hosed off of her. in short, everyone wins.

well, most of the time.

out of her last 5 baths with me, the little woman had left a little something extra behind twice. the first time, she made what is known as (if you're eating, come back to this about an hour after you've finished) "poop soup".

ah, yes. there we were, splashing around without a care in the world. suddenly, there was an extra splash, and just as suddenly, i really cared about getting her out of the tub.

thankfully, i was not alone. so, i called for backup. SO heard my cries, and came running- without baby wipes, which would have been quite useful at a time like this. so, he was sent running back into the other room to retrieve them. i held the child while he dabbed at her dirty derriere like a child picking at his plate full of lima beans. (however, i suppose it's only fair of me to point out that i deal with this sort of thing- minus the bathtub- on a daily basis while he.....does not.)

anyway, he was sent with the mostly cleansed child while i formulated a plan to get the poop out of the tub.

as you may know (and as i learned a couple of years ago when this happened while i was babysitting), the smell of poop is lessened when it is surrounded by water. (this explains why your toilet at home, if functioning properly, doesn't stink nearly as much as, say, and outhouse.) so, draining the water prior to poop removal didn't seem like the wisest idea.

that left going in after it. ugh.

you know what? you haven't lived until you've found yourself fishing for poop with a plastic bag over your hand, sincerely hoping that it didn't leak, lest poop-molecule-laden water wind up inside the bag.

sometimes hoping isn't good enough.

however, i like to think of the adventure as "building up good karma" by sparing little woman's daddy, a good friend of mine, the ordeal of fishing for poop.

he did, however, have to scrub the tub.

the second time it happened, a few days later (i figured "what are the chances of this sort of thing happeneing twice in a row?"), most of the water had already drained from the tub, so little woman's daddy was able to easily remove it from the tub. (i figured it was his turn.)

the next three baths came and went without incident, which brings us to this evening.

we splashed. we played with duckies. we got bubbles all over the place. we let the water out.....and then we heard, "squish".

yep- you guessed it.

from now on, she will take her bath after daddy gets home.

a dirty little tale

ahh...the weekend. time to rest, recuperate, and relax.

or, in my case, time to get up early, stay up late, and work in between.

lather, rinse, repeat.

actually, i did that this weekend, too.

since i couldn't begin to tell you the last time i washed my car, (though judging from the inch-thick "protective" covering of dirt, i'm guessing it was about four months ago), i figured it was time to haul out the ol' sponge and soap and go to town.

when i was little, daddy would let us help wash the car every couple of weeks. my sibling and i would each get to use a little sponge to clean whatever we could reach, while daddy was in charge of concocting the carwashing elixir (dishwashing detergent and water) and reaching the high places- like the roof. thankfully, he'd also take care of waxing the car- something i wish he'd do now, as paste wax and i are not friends.

as time passed and i went off to college, my carwashing routine changed. first, during my first couple of years of school, i was carless. since i went to a fairly small school in a fairly small town and lived on campus, i didn't really need a car. when i came home on weekends to work at the shoes store, i didn't really have much free time to haul out the soap and hose and go to town.

i finally got the sundance toward the end of my college career, and i recall washing it a couple of times....i'm sure i roped in a roommate to help once or twice.

(settle down boys- it wasn't quite the college co-ed carwashing depicted in movies of a suggestive nature. really.)

anyway, when i moved to south carolina a few years ago, the sundance was washed twice that i can recall- once with a former flame (he was still a flame at the time, though not for long) who informed me that my technique was all wrong and that i should wash from the roof of the car down, as the dirt tends to collect at the lower levels. (i still use this helpful hint....though that boy is history, not to be repeated as long as i have good sense.)

then, i got my current chariot. when i bought my new car four years ago, i promised myself that i'd handwash it once a month.

so, two months later (i didn't get proper supplies until christmas), there i was. and there the car, the hose, and my new washing potion, bucket, sponges, interior protectant, chamois, and paste wax were. (and my tire cleaner, though i've never really understood why one really needs tire cleaner. tires touch the ground- they get dirty. having sparkling clean tires just says "i'm a neat freak with way too much time on my hands." but i digress....)

you know what? using paste wax is a royal pain in the ass. i soon understood why ralph macchio reacted with less than exuberance when pat morita instructed him to "wax on, wax off" back in the 80s.

all right. i'll wash my car every other month, then. i mean really, how dirty can a car get in a couple of months?

so, about six months later (i really dreaded dealing with the paste wax again.), there i was. and there the car, the hose, and my almost new washing potion, bucket, sponges, interior protectant, chamois (which was "like new", as i'd given up using it the first time and gone with a towel instead), and paste wax were.

two and a half hours later, my car was clean again. however, during the cleaning process, i discovered that my paint job already had a few little nicks in it, which left me distressed. so distressed, in fact, that two hours and thirty five minutes after i'd started, there was fresh touch up paint drying on my car. (i have since decided that in another year, when my car is five years old and totally paid off, i will splurge on a new paint job.)

in the past three years since that cleansing, i think my car's been washed about five times. (i'm a bad, bad owner.)

today made washing number six, which was long overdue, since during washing number five, i accidentally left some wax on the car which turned bright white after just a few days.

so, there i was again. and there the car (complete with fossilized bird crap, bug guts, some sort of tree sap, little black spots that i have yet to figure out how to remove, and my bright white waxy reminders of my last carwashing attempt), the hose (with one of those fancy adjustable spray nozzles), my carefully aged washing potion, bucket, sponges (one in far better shape than the other), interior protectant, chamois, and paste wax were.

my bird crap covered vehicle

i only had about an hour to play with, so i decided right off the bat to spare myself the pain and agony of dealing with the paste wax. it was just as well, because it took three good scrubbings to get most of the other stuff (the black spots and some of the tree sap won that battle) off of my car.

since, as you've read, i don't wash my car all that frequently, i figured the act was worth capturing as my "picture of the day" on my other blog. so, i said, "hey- would you mind taking a couple fo pictures of me so i can use one as a "picture of the day"?" my accomplice was happy to oblige. perhaps a little too happy.

when i reviewed the pictures, a disturbing pattern emerged.







it appears my photographer was focusing more on my school spirit than the fact that my car was finally getting washed. (it is worth noting that said photographer has a slight obsession with asu.)
anyway, i told him to stop photographing my ass, and he came up with this:



which shows off my wet pants (which a couple of you folks have searched for lately- a disturbing trend that i thought had died out), as well as a decent looking thigh muscle. (sorry, boys- i probably should know it's technical name, but, alas, that section of my brain is devoted to memorizing the menu at moe's (in case i get hungry while at work) and recalling lyrics to obscure 80s tunes.)

finally, i took matters (and by "matters", i mean "the camera") into my own hands and snapped this:



in addition to my all-too-willing photographer, a couple of coworkers wound up outside while i scrubbed the bird crap off of my car. the first asked questions about my goals (uhm....to not have to live in a cardboard box with twenty cats...to have a torrid affair with val kilmer...to write my best selling autobiography...to get this freaking bird crap off my car), but the second commented (as i was bending over to reach a spot that my short arms couldn't get to otherwise), "just what a brotha needs- a sista to wash his car and look fine doin' it."

well, then.

so, an hour after i'd started, the car was clean, but i was both soaking wet and filthy.

perhaps i'll get around to waxing it next time- though by then, it should be about time for that new paint job.

boogie-dy, boogie-dy

ah, south carolina- what an oddly interesting little state.

gamecock fever is in full effect (and for the record, you can say "cocks" on the air here and no one bats an eyelash. however, "ass" and "damn" are certain to raise eyebrows and lead to a few phone calls....but i digress.), and i'm taking time out from decorating steve spurrier to post an item showing true team spirit.

(photo credit: juan blas for the gamecock)

you can read the whole story here.

now, tell me this story isn't enough to make "the streak" run through your head.

uh-oh- looks like someone was inspired by this story.

"hey, baby. my boyfriend's nowhere to be found. wanna give me a ride?"

"woman! what were you doing in the car with another man?!?"

"it...uh...wasn't me. it was my twin. you know i only ride with you, baby."

to be continued........

oh oh oh-oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh

oh oh oh-oh-oh, the right stuff.

(what did you think i was writing about? pervert.)

yep- i heard the new kids on the block on the radio today (i guess that means the backlash is officially over), and "the right stuff" has been stuck in my head ever since.

it's almost enough to make a girl haul out all her old mementos (momentos? it's late, and i'm too lazy to look it up.), throw on a "pepsi magic summer" t-shirt, and start digging through trading cards of the fab five (no, no- not that fab five).

it's almost enough to motivate me to bust out my 6" jordan knight pin (oh- like he wasn't the cutest.....whatever) and hang it on the wall. (i'd prop it up on my desk, like i did back in the day, but none of the piles on the desk are stable enough to guarantee the pin wouldn't wind up buried in a heap on the floor.)

i'm not quite to that point yet, but hearing "tonight" could send me running to the store to find a new strap for the official new kids on the block watch.

wait a minute- you're right. there's no need to do anything rash or potentially embarrassing.

so, the next time one of the new kids' classics comes on the radio, the person you hear singing along definitely won't be me.

(that's my story, and i'm sticking to it.)

happy birthday.....

....to this guy.

(photo taken from his official site here.)

yes, folks, it's hard to believe, but bowser is 58 today.

i grew up listening to mama's sha na na records (yeah- records), but that's a charming story for some other time.

things are getting a little hairy

i've got hair on my mind. well- hair bands, to be more specific. i choose to blame all the late-80s power ballads i heard on the radio today. (beginning with "to be with you", by mister big, which was early 90s, not late 80s, and i'm not sure it really qualifies as a "power ballad" as much as a pop offering from a rock band, but you get the point.)

anyway, because it's something bricotrout will never cover, here's my list of

ten hair bands that are near and dear to my heart

1. poison
2. cinderella
3. old guns n' roses (before izzy, duff, and slash left)
4. the cult
5. def leppard
6. van halen (with diamond dave, of course)
7. motley crue
8. bon jovi
9. slaughter
10. faster pussycat

can you match the above up to my favorite songs from each band (below)? leave your answers in my comments.

(more than) 10 "hairy" songs i dig

1. "beautiful girls"
2. "lil devil"
3. "photograph"
4. "shout it out"
5. "look but you can't touch"
6. "shake me"
7. "fire woman"
8. "mr. brownstone"
9. "bathroom wall"
10. "kickstart my heart"
12. "talk dirty to me"
14. "big dictionary"
15. "animal"
16. "lay your hands on me"
17. "don't go away mad (just go away)"
18. "pretty tied up"
19. "the more things change"
20. "you give love a bad name"

and on that note, i think it's time to hit "publish" and go tease my hair. (kidding....really)

hold the fort....

...it seems i may still be somewhat photogenic after all.

this'll be short, as i am forcing myself to be in bed by 11 p.m., but i wanted to share this:

it was taken last monday (that'd be labor day, for you folks following along at home), right outside the movie theater, and for the first time in quite sometime, it appears i was actually photogenic. (oh, happy day!)

i'm contemplating using it as my new profile picture- but that's something maybe better discussed over the weekend.

i have not yet begun to procrastinate!

once again, the weekend has flown by too quickly. here it is, sunday afternoon, and i still have several hours of work ahead of me, several projects to work on, and very little motivation to deal with any of it.

so, rather than taking care of business, i decided it was time to take the station's plastic rock star wannabe on an adventure.

after checking the weather forecast, our young rocker decided it was too hot outside for jeans and a pleather jacket.


i have a little modesty, but no feet.

excuse me- can you help me with my mini-skirt?

hey, baby! wanna give me a lift?

i guess not.

what's your name, big guy?

during other procrastinatory pursuits (probably not proper english, but i'm not going to let that stop me), i stumbled across a few more treasures:

antarctic guy 2005

bobi (en francais)

a room with another view

the social alchemist

and while we're at it, i found a little something for the truly paranoid.

note to self: refuse any panties that feature a flower on the hip and "thermistor sensors" in the crotch.

what will they think of next? never mind- i don't want to know.

what the....?

an odd thing happened today.

it seems i've won something.

when i wandered home after babysitting last night, SO rolled over long enough to tell me there'd been a love note from fed ex on our door when he'd arrived home from work.

we never have anything delivered by fed ex.

however, since SO's birthday is rapidly approaching, we figured it must've been an early birthday present of some sort.

it was decided that i'd retrieve the package after the birthday party i was heading off to after work. after all, i could just toss it into the car on my way home.

or so i thought.

when i wandered into the leasing office and told the employee that i had been sent to retrieve the package, we looked through all the small packages in the closet. nothing.

so, then we looked at the medium sized boxes...and then i noticed this large white box in the lobby.

yep- you guessed it. my name was on the address label.

i checked the return address. funny, i hadn't ordered anything extra from avon. there must've been some sort of mistake.

since there was no way this big ol' box was going to fit into my little zx2 (as if i was actually going to be able to drag it to my car anyway), i drove back to the apartment in search of SO and his larger vehicle. while he was waking up from his slumber, i grabbed a roll of tape, figuring that there was no point in hauling the box home if its contents were unwanted.....and i could simply tape it back together and leave a note for ups to return the whole happy heap to avon.

i'm still considering it.

i have only won something once before. when i was much younger, i drew a poster promoting the "new" apple IIgs. (i think those were the right letters. at any rate, the machine's obsolete now.) in return for my entry, apple sent me a poster of the computer's keyboard. (i won fifth place, though i preferred the prize for sixth- a hat or t shirt or whatever sort of apparel it was seemed far more useful.)

anyway, since i had no real use for the poster (we were raised on ibms), i donated it to the computer lab at my elementary school.

well, once again it seems i've won something i have no real use for.

i'm still not quite sure how i managed to do it, but i won a tv.

to be a little more specific, i now have a rather large box in my living room. inside that box is another box. inside that box is a 20" sylvania "pure flat screen" color tv/dvd player.

i neither need nor want it.

i hate to sound ungrateful, but i have no use for it. we have two tvs only one of which is even hooked up....and that one gets very little use, because i'm never home to watch it, and when SO is home, he's generally either asleep or in front of the computer.

furthermore, getting rid of one of our tvs in favor of this new one would not exactly be an upgrade.

so, the question has become, "what am i going to do with this thing?"

my first thought was to donate it to the hurricane katrina refugees that are being housed in our complex, but i'm sure tvs have already been provided to them.

my second thought was to hold some sort of raffle and use the tv to drum up a little more avon business.

i am still trying to figure out what to do. in the meantime, i have another horizontal surface in the living room on which to pile my worldly possessions.

right in front of one of the tvs we hardly ever use.

perhaps i should slow down....but not today.

i think my brain just went numb.

one of these days, i'll slow down.

right now, however, i seem to be sleepwalking through my routine.....which is part of my explanation for not posting anything in a couple of days. i've been busy, as usual, and by the time i get home at night, my primary concern is making it to the bed before i fall asleep. (yes, it's been a close call a couple of times.)

besides, once i fire up the computer, it takes me a good hour or two to check email, other blogs, and then come up with something worth reading. (well, it's not always worth reading, but for some reason, you put up with me anyway. thanks)

my multitasking earlier this week got me into a little trouble.

let me start off by stating the obvious: i'm a klutz. at any point in time, there's a 99.9% chance that you'll find some sort of bruise, scrape, or scratch somewhere on my body. (i think i'm in a position to take band-aid expenses off my taxes next year.)

anyway, because of the labor day holiday this week, my avon delivery was delivered to the apartment office tuesday night....which meant i had to pick it up during my lunch break on wednesday.

i was in a bit of a hurry, so instead of walking down the sidewalk to the parking lot to load 12 boxes into my car, i decided to take a shortcut.



all was well the first couple of trips to the car, but then, as you can see by the unsettled dirt above, something happened.

that something would be yours truly, carrying two boxes, stepping right in front of the top stepping stone, which led to yours truly flying through the air, while still holding the boxes.

my leg scraped one of the stones (i was wearing pants at the time, by the way),



and my arm scraped against the curb.



either my swan dive went completely unnoticed by my apartment manager (did i mention i wound up looking like i'd been mudwrestling?), or she was just being polite. when i wandered back in for the last round of boxes, she greeted me with a completely straight face, so i'm guessing she simply didn't notice.

so, after running around the apartment like a crazed chicken (putting together a couple of orders for school, assembling bundles for four hurricane victims staying at the complex, taking a bottle of shout to my pants, finding new pants, et cetera), i headed back to school in search of my snazzy antiseptic swabs and some band aids.

in addition to my scrapes, my left leg's been sore- i think i hyper-extended my knee during my swan dive.

add that to the list of reasons why my parents didn't name me "grace".

---

it's going to be another busy day- i'm leaving work a touch early to attend a birthday party for one of my alumni, then i need a nap before this evening's date. we have a $50 gift certificate to a local restaurant that expires at the end of the month. fortunately, this evening's babysitting isn't until 8:00, so i think i can squeeze in dinner.

dinner...i still need to picture photos from earlier in the week.

however, my first hnt picture is up on the photo blog.

okay, time for a trip to the soda machine in an attempt to wake up.....

you searched for what??? (part six)

statcounter is a fine and beautiful thing. it allows me to find out how you found me, and let me just state the obvious: you people amuse me.

alice cooper cloones were all

what? what are you trying to say? clones? colonies? (as suggested by yahoo) colonics?

i was the only result for this search....and once again, it was because i can't type worth a damn.

(for the record, the movie was "attack of the clones". i can spell, which is why i don't proofread.....which is why typos get through and lead me to pop up as a result for interesting searches like this one.

in fact, my typos perform a public service. rather than this querier (is tha a word?)being disappointed when yahoo came back without any results for his search, it was able to offer something....which may have saved this guy/girl from becoming so depressed that they would have offed themselves.

yeah- my typo saved a life. go me!

get a job as a park ranger

people are looking to me for job advice? if i knew how to get a job as a park ranger, i'd be all over it. well, as long as i wouldn't have to deal with any bears. or snakes. or mountain lions.

random acts of duff

there were two seperate searches for this in the past 24 hours, and i figured i'd go with the version without capitals, just because i'm a little biased.

i do act randomly,......but not randomly enough, from the looks of it. hilary duff seems to be way ahead.

speaking of hilary duff......

Hilary duff's feet being tickled

ah- so the foot fetish has spread from amanda peet to hilary duff. (appropriately enough, there was an article on feet and the men who love them- perhaps a little too much- in the latest issue of details.)

what would joel madden say about all this?

riding a cow

theoretically, i turned up on this search, though i couldn't find myself on the page that popped up. does this mean my cow-riding skills are improving, or worsening? perhaps i should shedule a trip back up to prince edward island to practice some more.

roaches "down the toilet"

another one got the big flush in the apartment today- thank goodness i wasn't the one who found it.

(in case you're wondering, i'm hardly the "go-to" girl for this sort of thing- i was result 390 out of about 631, according to google.)

will they let me back through the canadian border?

you? yes. the illegal immigrants you're smuggling in the trunk? probably not.

Wet Pants blogs

for once, i get to be #1....and it has to be for something like this.

forgive me if i forget to put this achievement on my resume.

(who on earth searches for such a thing, anyway?)

calories in french fries with gravy

throw in some cheese and you've got poutine....and a deal, as long as i can have half.

bon appetit!

a long-overdue musical post

it's been awhile since i last posted something music-related....and since the next "ten things" list on bricotrout's blog is music related, i'm feeling somewhat inspired.

ten tunes i cannot not sing along to

1. "take on me" by a-ha.

my favorite song in the entire world.....and i have to sing along when it comes on. however, i freely admit that morten harket can hit that high note far better than i do.

(oh- and i prefer the extended version over the album version, just for the record.)

2. "never tear us apart"....or anything else by inxs

i can come up with all the words to all their hits plus several extras off of "listen like thieves", "kick", and "x"....and probably a few others, though i don't want to seem too obsessed.

3. "the reflex" by duran duran

the album version only- i don't sing along with the remix because i think it sucks and feel the need to protest. i also sing along to several of their other tunes: "new moon on monday", "rio", "hungry like the wolf", "electric barbarella", "i don't want (your love)" (i can never remember where the parentheses go on that one- forgive me if i screwed it up), "all along the water", "too much information", and "meet el presidente" (because i can practice a whopping two words of spanish and it makes me feel....exotic...or something.)

4. "out of the blue" by debbie gibson

ah, memories. this was the first cassette i ever bought. can you believe she just turned 35? if i remember right, she was 15 when the album came out, which means....i'm old.

5. "animal" and "photograph" by def leppard

two favorites from my days at the classic rock station. if i'm driving while these are on, i'll probably speed up, too. (while respecting the speed limit, of course, dad.)

6. "kiss me deadly" by lita ford

went to a party last saturday night
i didn't get laid- i got in a fight
uh-huh...it ain't no big thang....

believe it or not, i don't have this on cd yet. yet.

7. the theme to the a-team

sure, i screw up the intro every time, but i can duh duh duh DUH duh duh duh with the best of them.

8. "somebody told me" by killers

i enjoy singing along to this almost as much as its predecessor in the same vein- "boys and girls" by blur.

9. "talk dirty to me" and "unskinny bop" by poison

i dig poison, man. cinderella, too. (i was first exposed to the latter at the tender age of 8. i can probably sing just about any thing off of their night songs album, which is something i should probably add to my resume.)

10. hmmmmm...only one more? the funky stuff is underrepresented on this list, isn't it? let me think....

does the aerosmith/run dmc version of "walk this way" count?

no?

damn.

okay.....how about "peach" by prince? is that funky enough for you? no? well, i'm working on the words to "rapper's delight", but i can't hold a candle to the little old lady in "the wedding singer".

yet.

make me wanna screeeeeeam!

as my punishment for that last post not being up to my own high standards, ashlee simpson has been stuck in my head for the past 9 hours.

if i can't get "you make me wanna la la...on the kitchen, on the floor...i'll be your french maid, something something something door...something alley cat, something something something something ending with "-or" out of my head, i will go stark raving mad.

i find it far more annoying to jave part of a song running through my head than to have the whole thing stuck in there.

worse yet, since i've never seen the video for the song, the visual i'm stuck with is her downright unsettling orange bowl performance.

egads.

what? a date?

plan a: after working a five-hour shift at the radio station, during which time i'll get my latest round of avon catalogs ready for distribution, pass out said catalogs on the way to some other money-making opportunity.

plan b: work my shift, then skip out early and go kayaking. take a bunch of fabulous pictures that i can share, since, well, photos from my last two vacations still haven't made it online yet.

plan c: stage a sit-in at a local gas station to protest the high prices that have kept me from spending the day in charleston, collecting cancellations on my national parks passport and picking up seashells.

plan d: prerecord shift, sleep in until 11, spend a couple hours getting caught up with friends (on the phone) while lounging around in pajamas, then crawl into shower before going out on a movie-and-dinner date.

sleeping in has never felt so good.

i finally saw wedding crashers (matinee, not dollar theater- i'm afraid i was a cheap date, but not that cheap) and went out to an actual sit down meal. (for once, by "sit down", i don't mean "sit the takeout container down on the counter".)

wedding crashers reminded me of this blast from the past.

ah, weddings. so far this year, i've been to two. additionally, there was one back in kansas city that i couldn't make it to. what's with my friends being grownups all of a sudden? it's very unsettling.

will i be the only single person at my 10-year reunion next year? that'd totally defeat the purpose of me being hot (well, i'm hoping to have it together by then), rich (though i'm told one has to play the lottery to actually win), and most importantly, unmarried.

why? well, so i can (with the utmost maturity) go up to every boy i had a crush on in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day and say, "see what you missed?"

i had a lot of crushes and a tiny number of dates in high school, so i believe the line should start forming in april for a june reunion.

anyway, back to my date. i finally had time for one. furthermore, halfway decent pictures were taken during this date, which i will have to share with you.....but not here or now, as i'd really like to get some more sleep.




(coming tomorrow: another list of ten, swiped from bricotrout. i'm sure you're waiting on the edge of your seats.)

is this thing on?

it's sunday evening, i'm listening to grown men driving around in circles, and i have ample time to post.

too bad my mind is a blank.

i've been through every blog i've recommended to you folks,
<-------------------- twice,

and while everyone else has come up with something interesting and entertaining to say, i'm afraid nothing's inspired me yet.

i'm trying to avoid the katrina issue. besides, i've commented enough on everyone else's posts on the situation that i've nothing new to say.

there hasn't been any major stupidity on the local news blotter lately, so i have nothing to share to that end.

i'm still working on my next "list of ten" to appease bricotrout. it's nowhere near ready for posting yet.

i've done nothing of interest today. i even resisted the urge to rollerblade around the building between songs.

and, since answering the phone about an hour ago, my mind is preoccupied with thoughts about how crappy people can be to their spouses.

whew.

so, for something a little more entertaining, you can either scroll down a little bit and read yesterday's posts, or check out lbseahag, jamwall, rabbit, or jurgen nation.

perhaps i'll have something that'll meet your entertainment needs tomorrow.

strange things happen.....

.....when i get bored.

this doll appeared at the radio station a couple of months ago, along with a flyer touting the single the "bratz rock angelz" were releasing for airplay. (c'mon people, did jem ever release any of the music from her t.v. show? i think not.)

anyway, she's sat in her box since her arrival, and since i didn't feel up to working on any of the projects i dragged into work with me today, i figured i'd free her from her plastic prison and snap a few photos.

i'm free! too bad i can't stand on my own.

meeting one of my "fans"

hmmm...unless i want my stomach to accompany me, i'm going to need a snack.

i should probably wash the dorito cheese off my hands before i perform for my fans.

a little mischief.

wait a minute- where are my adoring fans?

perhaps if i throw myself on the ground, an ambulance will be summoned and i can play for the paramedics on the way to the hospital.

it's rough being a rock star.

missing.......

i have been scatterbrained lately.

yesterday, i lost my keys at school. they didn't fall anywhere unusual in the closet when i put my stuff up after lunch (i checked), they didn't fall out in my car (i checked twice), and they didn't fall out in my bag (i checked too many times to count). fortunately, i have spares. in addition to various fun and functional trinkets, my keychain holds my house key, my car key, one of the keys for school, and keys to three other houses i visit frequently. in short- nothing that can't be replaced. therefore, i was not freaking out so much as trying to figure out whether or not i'm old enough for alzheimer's to be setting in already. (as mama says, "the short term memory's the first to go.")

so, after an hour and a half of fruitless searching, i called the cavalry. since there are actually 4 keys to my car (mine, SO's, one with my surrogate parents here in town, and a spare for heating up my car in the middle of winter- because i'm not about to leave it unlocked with the engine running), and 3 or 4 to my apartment, i called the holder of both spares. after he informed me he wasn't done at work, i called the other holder of the spares, who found me reading the paper on the front porch at school.

lesson learned: always have spares, folks.

so, i was able to move my car around to the front of the building while i waited for SO to arrive. (long story involving babysitting)

several hours later, during the post-babysitting drive home, a box of avon catalogs (weekend project)tipped over in my car. i parked, walked over to the passenger side of the car, and started replacing the catalogs in their box, muttering unkind words the entire time. i stopped mid-expletive (it was a glorious combination i'd just created- glorious), as i saw something shiny between catalogs.

yep, the box i'd quickly checked not once- but twice- at school had purged my keys during its little bout of carsickness.

lesson learned: check everything three times. clearly, i am not obsessive enough.

it's just as well that i found them, because, as it turns out, the spae key to the apartment is actually the spare key to my old apartment, which is across the hall from the current one. i suppose i should do something to remedy that.

lesson learned: always have the right spares.

lately, i've also misplaced my headphones-located in another studio this morning- apparently they didn't want to leave work last sunday night and felt like "hanging out" at the country station. egads. sometimes, there's no accounting for taste.

i can't seem to find a bra that wishes to behave on my person (where did all my good, poke-free ones wind up? perhaps i should check SOs drawers, just in case he has develeoped a fetish i don't know about.), and i'd be able to drag my film to target for development....if i could figure out where the last two rolls went.

argh.

speaking of missing things, despite my frequent visits to bricotrout's blog, it seems i missed his pleas for me to attempt more of his infectious "10 things" lists. so, since i have a busy week ahead, i figure i'll take advantage of the easy material and appease his curiousity in one fell swoop.

can't wait?

well, if you ask nicely, i suppose i can post one list for you now:

ten people i wouldn't want to wake up next to

1. my most avid listener
2. someone twice my size...with boobs and facial hair.
3. a corpse....especially if blood and nudity are involved- that might be just a little hard to explain to the authorities.
4. a member of the ultrareligious right.....because that means i must've married them.
5. tommy lee (nothing personal, but there is such a thing as "too big". egads!)
6. gilbert gottfried- the thought of that voice talking dirty to me makes my skin crawl
7/8. the olsen twins (puh-leeze. mary kate's skinny enough to cause bruises. plus, i remember watching them as babies on full house. plus i am very secure in my fondness of penises, and as far as i can tell, neither twin possesses one.)
9. kevin federline- because some girls have standards. then again, i have no money, so i doubt he'd look at me twice anyway.
10. ron jeremy- i don't care how much practice he's had. he scares me a little.

on that note, it's time for me to abandon this in search of something else- lunch.

you searched for what??? (part five)

i can definitely say some of you websurfers out there are nothing if not creative. here's a the latest batch of odd searches that somehow led you here:

susan ballion phone number
susan ballion address

all right- which one of you is stalking siouxsie sioux? these two searches were performed within five minutes of each other by someone on aol.

dude, if she hasn't called by now, she's not going to. give it up.

crossing the canadian border with a ZX2 car

this was interesting, since my car has never been in canada- mama always drives when we go. perhaps i should check out some of the other results for tips regarding this matter.

music by O-zone and plus teeth-Squeeze box

my, what an interesting combination. even stranger is the fact that i seem to be the number one resource for this sort of information. (another of the services i cheerfully provide.....)

Michael Hutchence's jokes

ummm.......

"That’s the way it has to be" Dino

that's the way it has to be, 'cause that's the way i like it....... "i like it" was a hit for dino (i believe his last name was "esposito", for the record) back in july 1989.

crap- were that song a child, it'd be driving now.

The Song Detachable Penis

ah- another musical query. if this continues, folks might realize what a musical geek i am.

adult size "rizzo the rat" costume

where to start with this one? how about the obvious- that rizzo the rat is pretty small, so i'm not too sure how is spindly arms and legs would work out in such a costume.

furthermore, what sort of social event or promotion would necessitate the use of such a costume?

i think i need to see some pictures of this.

finally, the most disturbing offering of the past week was a search performed by someone in belgium who was looking for legal sex with preteen girls modeling bikinis.

you have no idea how glad i was to learn that i was way down on the list for that one. ew.

think you folks can top this list next week? for inspiration, check out refer madness.

you must be kidding....

gas here is as much as $2.99, and before i left work tonight, i heard it's already above $6.00 in atlanta.

you have got to be freaking kidding me. does the extra $3.50 pay for the chauffer?

let's see how long my last 1/8 of a tank will last, shall we?